(minor revisions, 18th October, 2013)
Disclaimer: I am not J K Rowling. I do not own Harry Potter. I am not Roger Donaldson, Dennis Feldman, or anyone else to do with the 'Species' films, and I don't own them (or any associated novels) either.
Note: The following is set in an alternate universe where the world of 'Species' collides with that of 'Harry Potter'. For the sake of the story I've assumed that the species escape mentioned here occurs in the summer of 1996. I'm aware that this is probably earlier than the project would be up and running by the canon of the species films, but this story is a parody. Assume Luna's called a meeting somewhere with Ron and Hermione in August 1996, whilst Harry's supposed to be in lockdown under Dumbledore's orders.
"This," Luna Lovegood tapped the board with her wand, "is our prey."
"What? A king-size tomato and pilchards pizza with extra oregano?" Ron Weasley was practically drooling.
"What? No? It's these glasses. I put them on because people who give these lectures always wear glasses, so you can tell they're scholarly and serious types. Wait a moment whilst I recalibrate the lenses." Luna tapped her wand to the spectacles perched on the end of her nose, and muttered something. Then she peered at the board, and tapped the pizza. "That, is a leaflet from the place with which I placed our lunch-order, because I gather that pizza is important to such meetings. This is our prey." She tapped a slightly blurry photo of a seemingly cute looking little girl with curly dark hair and green eyes.
"She looks a bit like Harry." Hermione observed, peering at the image carefully.
"That's because she's related to Harry." Luna said.
"I thought he was the last of his family." Ron objected.
"He was." Luna concurred.
"Then how can she be related to Harry?" Ron concluded triumphantly. He looked around. "Where is Harry anyway? Threats to the school are his business, although I think she looks too cute to be a threat."
"Ron. Harry is not here, because we – 'we' being my father, on whose behalf I am reporting to you today, and I – suspect that he is dead. We think that this," Luna tapped a photo of a beautiful young blonde woman with curly hair in some sort of muggle science lab, "person is part of an experimental muggle secret weapons program from the United States. We think she escaped the laboratory the muggles were keeping her in at the end of July, fled the States, and ended up jumping out of a muggle flying machine over Surrey, and landed in Harry's back garden in Privet Drive. Or rather his aunt's back garden. Well the place he lives over the summer, anyway. We think she mated with Harry and then killed him, and that this girl," she tapped the photo of the slightly blurry cute girl, "is the result. The girl is Harry's daughter. We're still waiting on the results of DNA tests from a muggle supermarket she raided for food supplies, but we're fairly sure what the result will be. The woman who escaped from the American secret weapons program has an ability to reproduce at an astonishing speed, and we think she's probably passed that onto her daughter with Harry. We don't actually know the girl's name, but for now we're going to refer to her as 'Harriet'. The point is, if she's inherited magic from Harry and is a witch too, she's a threat to the world too big for the muggles to handle."
"Luna." Hermione said. "It sounds to me as if you've been watching one too many muggle science-fiction programs over the summer, and have fallen for some sort of prank Harry's set up with Fred and George. I'm sure he'll turn up in a day or two, delighted that you were taken in by it. You say the woman who escaped did so at the start of August, and the blurry green eyed girl in that photo looks seven or eight, at least. Unless muggles have discovered time-turners, there's no way the person who escaped could have a daughter by Harry who looks that old. The blurriness of the image says it's probably been faked with a computer."
"The blurriness is because she's moving exceptionally fast." Luna protested.
"Come on Ron. I'll help you with that homework you've still got to do." Hermione said. She gave Luna a pitying look. "I'm sorry you've been taken in by a practical joke like this."
"They didn't believe me, daddy." Luna returned home to her father. "Despite the fact that I wore glasses and had a board with leaflets and photos fixed on and everything. They effectively said that I'd been taken in by a practical joke, and that muggle cameras lie."
"The vast majority of the wizarding public are too narrow-minded to appreciate the things which muggle science can achieve. Never mind, Luna dear. If she wipes out the wizarding world, we can always leave for elfland." Xenophilius Lovegood said, ruffling his daughter's hair.
"Maybe the Death Eaters and Lord Golgaboard would be inclined to take a threat involving Harry more seriously." Luna said thoughtfully. "I wonder how one contacts them?"
"It's Volgamortar, my dear, not Golgaboard. Or something similar, anyway. He tried to make it an anagram of 'I am one bad egg', you know, but he wasn't very good at spelling. And you can always take out a full page ad in the next issue of The Quibbler to them and I'll make sure we owl Lord Volgamortar a complimentary copy. I'll give you a special staff-rate discount on the price of an ad. I would let you place one for free, but that could look like nepotism, and our readers do have very high moral and intellectual standards."
Author Notes:
Because it was something I felt had to be done. Luna Lovegood trying to convince the remaining two members of the golden trio, Ron and Hermione, that the wizarding world is under threat...
(October 2012) At least that was how it started out. It looks like there might be more to it.
As a reminder, this one is identified as both humour and parody, it's in an alternate universe, and I really don't care too much about the minutia of either canon for the purposes of this piece.