Preface:
These Characters do not belong to me, (unfortunately) I am only borrowing them. If you do not like slash and/or Wincest, turn back now!!!
Flamers will be publicly mocked and defenestrated!!!!
This story is set just after Heaven and Hell, in an A/U where Dean never slept with Ana, but did try to save her…
Castiel knows about Dean's relationship with Sam, but deigns not to intervene…
Strong rating given for future Wincest encounters….
Ok….And now…I present….
More Than Words Can Ever Say…..
Chapter One: The Valentine Gift…
Sam's waking body registered that something was…off…he stretched out his lengthy arm, blindly running his long-fingered hands over the rough plane of cotton beneath them…
The realization of what was missing hit him then…he turned his head to face the direction of the empty expanse of space normally occupied by the warm, comforting presence of his brother's body next to his…Sam fought to clear sleep's cobweb's from his mind and open his eyes to look upon the rest of the hotel room…he called out his brother's name….empty…no response…he turned and looked to the bathroom…door was open and it too was empty…he slid his hand over the scratchy surface of the unoccupied space…no trace of warmth lingered…Dean had been absent from the bed for quite some time…Sam was officially worried now…Dean never woke up before him and stayed up…he might grab a snack or go to the bathroom, but he always slid himself back into the warmth of Sam's arms so that he could awake in them…it was their ritual…one they both cherished. They relished being the first thing the other would see when they awoke….
Sam sat up in bed and began to get dressed…his brother was gone and his worry tumbled in a dizzying fashion through his stomach, churning up knots within it…his chest tightened at the thought that something had happened to Dean…tears threatened to cascade down his face…he couldn't lose him…not again…he'd only just got him back…he jerked on his shoes and grabbed a shirt from the duffle tucked into the corner…he headed to the table to grab his jacket off the back of the chair when something unexpected caught his eye…there…on top of his laptop lay a singularly deep red rose and folded sheet of paper…Sam was struck for a moment by the sheer nature of the scene before him…he was confused and awed by it…he went to his laptop, plucking up the rose…it's sweet scent drifting delicately into his nasal cavity, he gingerly lifted it to his nose and inhaled it's soft essence, a smile gracing his lips as his eyes drifted closed for a moment. He carried the rose and paper to the edge of the bed and settled himself there, gently laying the rose beside him…he opened the paper and began to read…
It was his brother's stolidly messy scrawl…the familiar sight of which made Sam's lips lift in a smile…he focused himself and started reading…
"~Sam~
I know I don't tell you how I feel very often and I know, that for you, that is a difficult thing to understand…words mean everything to you…thoughts, emotions, ideas…they are all so closely tied in with who you are and I love that about you…I have never been like you in that way and I know it makes it difficult for you to love me because of it…I must seem cold and hard-hearted and for that I am truly sorry…you deserve better than that…you deserve better then me…I know this and I try my damndest to be a better person…for you…to make myself worthy of you. I wanted to try and express what you mean to me…don't laugh…I know this is going to suck, but it's the best I can do…cause I'm not you and words never come easy to me, but here goes nothing…
Sammy
You mean more to me than words can ever express…
You keep me warm…
You keep me sane…
You are the light I look to when my world feels so very dark…
You are everything beautiful in the world to me…
I don't deserve such beauty, though I crave it terribly…
I know I don't tell you often enough…
The way you make me feel…
I know I am difficult and childish and a pain in the ass…
I know I am distant and that it hurts you when I am this way…
I keep myself locked up so tight…
So afraid you'll leave me…
So afraid this is Hell and I am dreaming…
And in moments this beautiful dream will slip away…
And then I'll see I never left and then I'll die inside…
Because I'll never have you back…
I am sorry I make it so difficult to love me…
Sorry I am so damn broken and lost inside…
Without you, I am nothing…
Without you I am just a tainted, unworthy man…
All the good I possess is wrapped up in you…
I Love You Sammy…with all my heart…"
Tears had broken free of their lash-enclosed cages and coursed steadily down Sam's face, he shook as he read and reread the words on the paper until his eyes were finally too bleary to focus on them…he closed them then and let the racking sobs come for the moment…he sought his brother's image in his mind's eye, Dean…ever a man of few words and gruff demeanor…emotions always reigned in until they threatened to overwhelm him and then and only then would he release them…and Sam knew he was ashamed to do so even then, convinced that he was weak for letting himself feel, for letting himself express them…Sam was always so saddened by how much anguish and pain his brother refused to let out…he always tried to be tough, to brush off the confusion and madness that could be found in emotions…
It broke Sam's heart to see him suffering, his own private Hell was ever present in his mind…to torment him for all eternity with the transgressions he had committed after enduring unimaginable pain and suffering long after it should have been possible for him to bear…he knew Dean thought himself a monster and he probably thought Sam thought it of him as well, but he couldn't be further from the truth…Sam knew Dean was a good man…he could never hold him in that light…Sam knew he himself would have broken…he would have succumbed to the darkness… because he could never be as strong as his big brother…
Sam heard the hotel door close…a whispered curse escaping his brother's lips as he set the bags in his hands on the table top…Sam raised his eyes to look upon his brother…Dean's whole frame sagged and his head was down-turned, eyes closed…he carded his hand through his and sighed, as if to steel his nerves…he looked up and caught Sam's eyes…his eyes declaring his pain, even when he would not…he opened his mouth for a moment then snapped it closed…he took a deep breath and tried to put on a mask of sarcastic humor…his own way of pushing his emotions away before they could hurt him…."That bad, huh?" he said, his voice shaking just the tiniest bit to betray him…
Sam let out an exasperated sigh…his brother was maddening at times…he stood and crossed the room in 4 long strides, capturing his brother in a breath-stealing embrace…his brother's body, at once so tense, began to ease as the tension ebbed from him slowly…he lowered his head to rest on Sam's shoulder, his eyes closed so Sam wouldn't see how vulnerable they were…Sam's large hands released him as they raised to rest on either side of Dean's head…his thumbs stroked the solid line of his jaw and he tilted Dean's head until he could look Dean in the eyes…Deans' eyes remained closed, as if he feared to open them…
Sam kissed the flesh that enclosed them softly, murmuring into the tender flesh… "Dean…look at me…" …Dean reluctantly opened his eyes…they glimmered with unshed tears…Sam's heart swelled all the more…Sam bent to kiss his lips, capturing Dean's deeply, willing all his love into their locked embrace…when he withdrew them, a single tear had broken free and coursed down his brother's cheek…Sam stroked it away…
"Dean…you can't fathom how much this means to me…I know how much it took for you to write this and that makes it all the more incredible and beautiful to me…and so very proud of you, as well. Thank you…from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I love you. You are everything to me…I am forever yours and I hope you want to be forever mine as well…"
Dean felt the relief flood through him, tears coursing steadily, despite his best efforts to quell them…he couldn't speak…he wished he could…love like that deserved a far better answer then he could give….he could only nod…he reached to embrace Sam, finding such relief and peace in his brother's arms…he never wanted to let go…he whispered into the solid flesh of Sam's shoulder…"I Love You, Sammy…Happy Valentine's Day…"