Chapter I
A/N: So here's the thing, I've been slacking on my writing for a good two or three years as of writing this. But that ends now, at least I hope it does. I wish I had a good answer as to why I haven't been uploading or updating in so long. Truth is: I'm lazy. I don't know if I'll go back and update my previous stories, I feel I should or at least finish them. Problem was they burned me out creatively, that and my laptop on the fritz and I don't really have the money to get it fixed. I'll probably update my old stories, but first want to get back into the swing of things.
Now with that said here's dumb parody story about Skyrim. Enjoy.
The road was rocky and charts were on their way to Helgen. In one of theses charts sat our hero: The Dragonborn. Even though you're not suppose to know that yet, but I'm too lazy to think up a name for him.
Anyway, the Dragonborn awoke in the chart unsure as to how or why he got there. Come to think of it, what was he doing before getting captured? I guess that shall forever remain a mystery.
"Good you're awake." said one of the Nords inside the chart with him. "How is that I'm a prisoner. I don't even know how I got here." the Dragonborn said. "Listen friend, we are on our way to Helgen, where we'll be executed." the Nord said.
"Yeah, that's not how I roll. I'm getting off" the Dragonborn said about to leap out the chart. "Be my guest. But the Imperials will run you down before you can get far." the Nord explained. "This some bull shit." the Dragonborn said sitting back down.
He turned to his right and saw two other Nords with him. "So what are you in for?" he asked the nord next to him. "Stealing a horse." he answered. "Really, doesn't sound like to get executed over." the Dragonborn said. "After having sex with it." the Nord said.
The Dragonborn stared at him and felt best not to ask him anymore questions. Arcoss from the the horsefucker was the other Nord. Although he was dressed a little fancier the rest of them. "Who that?" the Dragonborn asked pointing to him. "You idiot, that's Ulfric Stormcloak. Leader of the Stromcloak rebellion and the true king of Skyrim." the Nord across from replied. "Geez, didn't mean to upset you about your boyfriend." the Dragonborn said. "If you lot don't keep quiet back there I will turn this chart around!" the driver shouted.
They arrived at Helgen while the Stormcloak soldier was rambling about so boring expansion type stuff the Dragonborn didn't really care about. As soon as the chart stopped they all got off. Ulfric and the soldier were brought to the chopping block. Horsefucker try to run for it until he was shot down by arrows.
"Anyone else feel like running?" the Imperial captain asked. "You could've gave him a head start." the Dragonborn said. "Who the fuck is this asshole?" the captain asked. "Yeah, who are you?" the soldier next to her asked. "I'm [name redacted for story purposes]." the Dragonborn said.
"That's a fucking stupid name." the captain said. "Captain, he's not on the list. Should we let him go?" the soldier asked. "Fuck no, I've got a wicked ladyboner for killing people today. He's getting executed with the rest of them." she said. "The fuck!?" the Dragonborn shouted. "Yes captain, I'm sorry friend." the soldier said. "No, it's cool bro. You're just doing your job." the Dragonborn said getting pulled away.
"Ulfric Stormcloak, at least your day of reckoning is at hand." the Imperial commander said to him. Ulfric just gave an angry grunt. "What's that? General Tullius is the best general in the land with the biggest dick, and you sucked off every one of your men?" Tullius asked knowing all to well he had a gag over his mouth. Ulfric shouted in protest but couldn't say anything, you know what with the gag and all.
"Well I don't hear a no, so it must be true. I wish we could execute you first, but we have to follow, 'procedure'. Give them they're last rites." Tullius said to the priestess. "Oh eight divine, we ask you show good will towards your children and may they peace and..." the priestess began. "For fuck sakes. Just do it already!" a Stormcloak shouted going to the headsman.
"Fine, impatient sacreligious piece of shit." the priestess muttered. the Stromcloak was brought to his knees and decapitated. "Alright, now the jackass in the rags, who's most likely the hero of this story." the captain said pointing to the Dragonborn. "Hey I have a name, it's..."
Before he could finish there was what sounded like a roaring noise. "What was that?" the Imperial soldier asked. "Probably the wind and not obobvious foreshadowing." General Tullius said. "I said next prisoner!" the captain said. "To the block prisoner, nice and slow." the soldier said dragging our hero to block.
"This bullshit! I didn't do anything! I want out! I'm expecting a letter from the jarl! Ow, quit pushing!" the Dragonborn shouted. He was brought to the chopping block and he knew this was the end. 'Am I really going out like this? I wanted die doing something cool, like killing a giant mubcrab or having a threesome with a couple of Redguard whores. I wish a dragon would could come out of nowhere and attack the town.' the Dragonborn thought.
"What in Oblivion is that!" General Tullius shouted. As luck would have it, a dragon came down landing on the tower right next to them. It shouted at them and the whole sky began to rain fire. "Holy shit, thanks convenient dragon." the Dragonborn said.
"Quick let's get to the tower." the Stromcloak he met earlier said and dragged him to the tower opposite them. The Stromcloak threw the Dragonborn inside and shut the door behind them. "Ow, why must you do this?" the Dragonborn asked getting off the ground.
"Jarl Ulfric, is that a dragon out there?" the soldier asked Ulfric who was looking at himself in a handmirror (how he got said mirror is a mystery). "No, it's a flying Argonian. Of course it's a dragon idiot." Ulfric said. "Well if you both are good with things. I'll see myself out." the Dragonborn said. "Up the tower let's go." the Stromcloak grabbed the Dragonborn and headed up the tower.
When they reached the top another Stormcloak was trying clear some rubble. Until the dragon smashed through a wall killing him instantly. It sprayed fire into the tower and flew off. "Jump over to the inn on the other side." the Stromcloak said. "Are you fucking seriously!?" the Dragonborn shouted. "Yes." the Stromcloak said and kicked the Dragonborn out of the tower.
Luckily the Dragonborn landed in the inn, though not safely. "Ow, I really hate that guy." the Dragonborn said. He left the inn and found the soldier he met earlier. "Still alive prisoner?" he asked. "Barely." the Dragonborn answered. "If want to get out of here, come with me." he said. "Better than staying here and roasting alive." the Dragonborn said. Right next to him was a boy with a sad look on his face. "Uh...too soon?" the Dragonborn asked.
The Dragonborn and the soldier went in and of the smoldering ruins of the town. When they came across General Tullius. "Hadvar, into the keep soldier we're leaving!" Tullius shouted. "This way prisoner!" Hadvar shouted heading to said keep. They almost made it inside until they ran into the Stromcloak from earlier.
"Ralof you damn traitor out of way!" Hadvar shouted. "We're escaping Hadvar." Ralof said grabbing the Dragonborn. "Fine, I hope that dragon takes you all to Sovngarde!" Hadvar shouted running into the keep. "This way friend we're leaving." Ralof said dragging the Dragonborn. "The fuck we are!" the Dragonborn shouted and pushed him away running after Hadvar. "Oh, I get it this is because of the whole kicking out of the tower, right?" Ralof asked.