"Where does addiction come from? Everything we need or want comes from something deep inside of us. A subconscious desire for something. It's scary to think about though because sometimes the hardest thing to do is turn around and actually take a good look at yourself. Because deep down in the pit of your stomach you know you're not going to like what you find." Paul speaks out loud to the rest of the group the words he needs to hear.
It's been a little over a year since he stopped drinking and yet it wasn't like he expected. He didn't feel cured. He just felt like he learned to ignore that nagging voice inside his head. It's true the voice was very weak now. He could hardly hear it but that didn't mean it was gone. He really had come a long way though.
Paul was always a little uncomfortable in his own skin and always dealt with anxiety. He started having trouble sleeping years ago and he figured a drink would calm his nerves. But when drinking til you black out becomes the only way you can get to sleep at night you start to wake up every morning wondering if getting out of bed was really worth the effort. It was his drinking that got him into trouble at his old job and he wasn't going to let this illness bring him down.
He can only vaguely remember horsing around with a 14 year old in a parking lot near the church. He can't remember what it was exactly but the boy dared him to do it and kept insisting that Paul couldn't do it. Somewhere in his drunken state of mind he just had to prove the kid wrong. Next thing he knew he'd inadvertently punched a minor in the face and had to be relocated to the sleepy town of Broadchurch to save his reputation as a responsible ordained minister.
Paul took this change of scenery as a chance to start over from scratch. He'd drive over an hour away from home every Tuesday night for Alcoholics Anonymous. It wouldn't be anonymous if he ran into someone he knew. Broadchurch was a small town. Imagine the talk if it's discovered the local vicar has a drinking problem.
A vicar is held to a standard above everyone else and he understood that going in. You don't become a priest without a fair amount of soul searching. Whether or not someone is religious; they see you dressed in that dog collar and they automatically look to you for moral advice. All Paul can do is pray to God he's doing the right thing. "God can speak through anyone no matter how flawed their life might appear." he speaks out loud to the group again the words he needs to hear.
Paul had come to know everyone at his AA group except for one new face. She introduced herself as Alice.
"Hello Alice" everyone said together.
"Hi" she looked at the ground and shuffled her feet looking uncomfortable. "I'm here because I was arrested for being just a little disorderly while drunk one night. Once!" she holds up a solitary finger "I'm not addicted to drinking . I'm just overly friendly when drunk. Overly friendly, overly loud and overly forgetful about what is and isn't considered appropriate in public. I've never been in a situation like this before and definitely will not be making the same mistakes again. Thank you very much."
"Well, hopefully you'll take something good out of your time here." the group leader replied trying not to sound annoyed by the way in which the new member seemed to speak. This meeting was a joke to her.
She was young. Early twenties, short black hair and big brown eyes. Her cupid bow lips quietly sipped through a straw as the rest of the group talked. One of the newer members was dealing with night sweats from her withdraw. Paul remembered he used to shake. He couldn't grab hold of anything for nearly a week when he first stopped drinking.
Alice had never felt anything more than a slight hangover headache after a few too many tequila shots on her 21st birthday. There was also that one time she had one too many at a karaoke bar and had to barf in the bushes. It should be noted she'd also recently eaten some chicken strips at McDonalds so it could have just been the McDonalds that made her barf in the bushes.
Alice's skirt was short and her stockings were sheer but she wore a v-neck sweater because it was a little chilly outside. Paul had noticed when she sat across from him how short her shirt was and how well her push up bra was working. He'd made it a point to look at her from her shoulders up only. He wasn't dressed like a priest at the meeting but he'd been trained on how to make priest appropriate eye contact at all times.
The meeting ends with snacks and chit chat and everyone slowly meanders back to the parking lot and into their cars. Paul sees Alice drop her keys and quickly picks them up for her.
"Thanks" she says as she fiddles with the lock on her car door.
"What did you think of the group? Think you'll be coming back?" Paul had a habit of bombarding people with questions all at once when he wanted to speak with them.
"Well, I have a court ordered agreement to come here... so yeah I have to come back" she chuckles and opens her car door.
"But it wasn't too bad, right? Did you feel welcomed?" he asks lots of questions again.
"I don't think I was very welcomed. I'm not a real alcoholic. I'm just a stupid kid taking care of some community service bullshit and they know that" Alice starts to get into her car.
"Well, since you are going to be spending some time here I thought I'd try to make you feel better. I mean, if you ever feel like you need anyone to talk to.." Paul was the sort of person who sincerely wanted to help people. If he ever felt someone was in pain he felt an overwhelming urge to help. To him that was the best thing about being a reverend; being able to help people.
"Yeah, sure. Thanks" she smiled and shut the door of her car. "Oh, hey!" she rolled down her car window and stopped Paul as he was walking to his car. "What was your name again?"
"I'm Paul." he smiled kindly.
"Here's my number, Paul. If you ever want to talk about anything too." Alice hands him a small piece of paper with her number on it. He hadn't had a girl give him their number like that since he was a teenager. He wasn't sure if she was being forward of simply being friendly. Paul figured it best to assume the latter.