Author's Note: It just came to me, and I was forced to type it out even though I really didn't want to. I reject Shonda's reality. Spoilers for 9x01. As always, I own nothing.
She hears about it on the news first, the mention of Seattle doctors catching her attention as she flips through the channels. She doesn't think twice about it, though, ignoring the gut feeling something is wrong. Callie is the one to call her, some odd month later, to tell her what was happening and offering to fly her out to say goodbye (she declines, forgets to mention where she's at or what she's doing).
She decides last minute to go. She tries to tell herself it's because she's in the area (only a 45 minute drive from Tacoma, where she had been staying with friends as she stumbled her way through community college classes and a part time job) but she knows the truth. Knows that if she doesn't go, she'll feel like the worst person ever to grace the Earth. Because this is the man who stepped in and tried to fix a wrong, the man who offered to turn his whole life upside down and inside out to do the right thing, the man who showed her what it was like to have a real parent figure in her life. She goes because it's the right thing to do, but she doesn't prepare herself for it at all.
She simply assures her friend she'll have the car back by the end of the night with a full tank of gas and heads off to Seattle (thankful that it was so close, that this wasn't happening somewhere else - say, New York). Arriving just as everyone else is piling out from cars into the cemetery, she parks and tries to smother the instinct to run like she had been since she turned eighteen. Her nerves are tingling like no other as she ducks in back of everyone else; not wanting to be noticed, not wanting to see Callie or anyone else that would make a big deal out of her coming, not wanting to be anywhere near where the coffin would be brought by.
It's there, the urge to run, itching under skin through the entire service but she makes it through. She listens as the preacher talks and the crowd sniffles and there's a baby gurgling somewhere near the front which makes her stomach turn. There's an older woman that she can see through the mass of bodies, clinging to a woman with red hair and she swears she knows who it is but they won't turn around and she can't put her finger on it. Derek is beside them though, she can tell by his hair, and she assumes it's his wife/girlfriend/whatever beside him with a child on her lap. She doesn't see the one person she looking for, the one person she's avoiding the most.
Maybe she didn't come. It's a fleeting thought, one that gets pushed away immediately because she knows better. Knows that, without a doubt, she's here somewhere. But it's time to pay last wishes and everyone is making their way out of the cemetery. She waits until almost everyone is gone, keeps her head down as she snatches a rose from some bouquet. She's glad that she missed the viewing; glad she doesn't have to see him all cold and made up. She tosses the rose on the coffin, turns on her heel to walk away - only makes it a few steps before her eyes register on the grave marker beside his and her whole world feels like it's tilting. And maybe it is, because she's not entirely sure both of her feet are still on the ground as her throat closes up and her vision grows fuzzy.
There's a hand at her elbow when she shakes the fog, when she learns how to breathe again. She looks to see who it's connected to, almost stumbles yet again when it's Callie and she can see the tear tracks. Her own tears finally make an appearance then, falling down her face in a steady stream as she realizes exactly where she's at and who she's saying goodbye to and exactly why Lexie isn't there. There's a million questions on her tongue, a million apologies and excuses but none of them want to come out and she's allowing the other woman to pull her into her arms as she chokes on everything. Allowing the comfort that comes from another human being as her entire world crashes in that moment.
Unsure of how long exactly it is that she stays in Callie's arms, she pulls back when she finally manages to get herself together - refusing to let her eyes wander to the grave marker and the name and the emotions that crash around inside of her.
"Sorry," she mumbles with a nod to the spot on Callie's shirt, her eyes glazed over and her voice cracking. She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, tries to think of how to get out of there.
"Sofia's done worse," Callie assures her with a comforting smile, her head turning and eyes confirming that her daughter is still okay - that she is still in Derek's arms where she left her.
It's a quick flick of her eyes but she knows that there's someone else missing, that there's something missing in the way the woman in front of her is holding herself. She feels her stomach revolt, feels her breathing quicken as she swallows down the lump in her throat. She almost doesn't want to ask, doesn't want to know the answer. But it's going to suffocate her if she doesn't, so she does on a strangled breath, "Arizona?"
Brown eyes dull even more, if that's possible, and Callie's lips turn down as she straightens out the wrinkles in her skirt. Avoiding the question, avoiding the truth. And it's not like she's sure she can handle the truth, not sure if she can stand her world tilting any more than it already has so she's ready to push the question aside and try for something easier but she's cut off before she can begin.
"She's at home." But there's more to it, she can just tell. She waits a beat, and sure enough more follows. "She lost her left leg in the accident."
"Oh," and that's all there is to it really. Just that one little sound as she nods and tries to wrap her head around all of what she's learning. But it's too much and the urge to run is back again, the urge to get as far away from emotional attachments as possible. Her shoes dig into the ground, her eyes straying to study the grass as Sofia babbles in the background - the only comfort she can take from this place, the sound of an innocent child. And because she feels obligated, because she knows it's what someone is supposed to say, she mumbles out "I'm sorry".
Callie doesn't say anything to that, doesn't acknowledge and it's obvious that it's worse than what she's saying but they both leave it at that. "Are you staying in Seattle?"
It's a shake of the head, the smallest of smiles. "I'm staying with friends in Tacoma, got a job and started to go to school."
"That's good," Callie smiles as she nods, shifting on her feet and it's obvious there's something not being said. Something that she doesn't want to say or something she isn't sure how to say, something that's eating up the silence and turning it awkward. "You're in his will," she finally manages a moment later.
And there it is again, the feeling like her world is turning and she has to blink twice before the words actually register and she shakes her head. No. She doesn't want anything from him, doesn't want to be yet another charity case. She forces herself to breath, opens her mouth to decline but Callie is already two steps ahead of her and spewing information out.
"You don't have to come to the reading, he set it up so that I could do it all for you - I guess he knew that you wouldn't take it willingly. But he wanted you to have something, wanted to make sure you knew he still cared even after everything, wanted you to know that even after Sofia he still loved you just as much." She stops long enough to glance at the little girl once again, seeing that she's getting antsy and Derek is failing at calming the girl. "You're welcome to come see her, if you want to," Callie finally says as she turns back to the conversation, tears in her eyes once more. "He would've wanted you to know her, eventually."
She shakes her head again, swallows hard and allows her eyes to fall on her half-sister for only a moment before she's focusing back on the woman in front of her. It feels as if someone's clawing at her throat, forcing the words to bubble just under the surface as she tries to deal with everything she's feeling. But it's not working and she feels like she's eighteen again and giving her son away. With a sound that's between a whimper and a sob, she forces a smile and moves to step around Callie. "Just keep it, for Sofia."
Without letting her get any other word in, she takes off across the cemetery to her friend's car - to her temporary safe place. She knows that Callie is calling after her, knows that she would probably follow if it wasn't for her daughter being there. She finds comfort in that as she slumps into the driver's seat, breathing heavy and working hard to keep the tears at bay. It takes her a moment but she's finally able to control herself long enough to start the car and drive out of the cemetery. She doesn't think, refuses to think, knows that as soon as she does it will all be downhill from there.
But it doesn't matter how hard she tries, how hard she wishes, the tears come and she's forced to pull off at a gas station not ten minutes later. She sobs into the steering wheel; eyes clenched shut and white knuckles gripping at some form of reality. Her world crumbles as she realizes the two closest things that she's ever had to parents (or in Lexie's case, someone who actually just cared) are gone.