Hell~o dear XS shippers. Yes, so this my XmaS XS fanfiction. The story is taking place three years after the Craddle affair. Of course you have a younger Squalo (I've always wanted to imagine one). I'm sorry if there is some mistake in the story, I don't really remember what exactly happened in the anime/manga (shame on me), but I wish it won't disturb your reading... I wish...

So I don't own anything, only the plot. Enjoy!

My Best Christmas Present

Scene 1 – I walked ten thousand miles, ten thousand miles to see you

It was already 5a.m when I finally finished clearing my area, the last one in a series of numerous zones lost in the infinity of the Slovakian part of the Carpates. My mission was one quite easy to understand: some trashes from a low-level mafia of the Eastern Europe tried to fuck with the Vongola famiglia (a territorial matter or shit like that). The highly ranked Vongola officers' order was simple – search and destroy; and that was my specialty.

'Voi. Section 14D clear. I go back to the base.' I said into my earphone. I was tired and sleepy. Although the mission itself was easy, I had to spend on it almost one week, lain in the cold for the ambush, and my entire body was screaming with soreness.

'O-oh! Signore Squalo!' A lisping voice beamed in the small device. 'As I expected from you, a job briskly done, as always! Just wait for the rest of the team. I'm sure they're…'

'No. I'm going back home right now. Let your fucking cleaning team come here if they want to lose their time. I'm through.'

'Aa… But wait, please, wait a mo…'

Click. I turned the earphone off before throwing it on the snow-covered ground; it landed with a dull sound under a pine. As if I was going to hear for that fucktard's bitchery anymore; my job was finished, finished with it were the sickening bowings to that idiot from the Eastern branch of the Vongola. I pulled the customized Sparta from my mechanical hand. Fuck. I had been wearing that shit for three years but I still couldn't get rid of the kinks; it was disagreeable and sometimes a bit hurtful, and even more when exposed in coldness as at that time. Swiftly I reached at my hair with my right hand and proceeded at knotting it back into the pony-tail it should had stayed during the previous battle. Having long hair cascading all over your shoulders wasn't something you can't easily get used at, most of all when you've been wearing short hair since the very first day of your existence; still I had to go through that since one or two years. One or two years they didn't stop growing like hell; one or two years I, not once, thought about cutting them and putting an end to the nuisance. I couldn't, that's all. No more comment needed. Nemmanco per sogno.

I sighed a colorless puff in the air. One more time another year went by since that incident; for me another year of cold memories, memories of me waiting like a fool for someone I didn't even know if he would come back some day, memories of me still waiting, waiting, keeping on waiting, keeping on hoping…

Cut that crap. That's why I hated that season; it only reminded me on useless thoughts.

I turned tail to the battle field and the unrecognizable corpses I left on my pace. Their blood was tainting the immaculate snow with a huge, unsightly scarlet stain shedding all over my way. Che, I thought, even dead only a huge pile of scum of the world. I walked without giving a sight to the dead men; those kinds of trash didn't worth a dignified death. I continued moving forward, the next inhabited hamlet was still far away down of the mountains – as I had to look for a mean of conveyance there, my snowmobile lost somewhere in the forest; and at what I could see, soon I would have to face a fucking snowstorm. What a shitty pain in the ass, that mission. After all I had been right not bringing with me the other Varia members, it only would had been a waste of staff for such a trifling job, and they had already been affected to other works. So I had been the only one left to be sent into that no man's land.

Though that wasn't as bad as that seemed. First because finally I didn't had to babysit all of those brat-minded idiots, and lastly because, lately and unless for work related matters, I started finding it really gross to chit-chat with everyone. Every time I couldn't help but getting upset and arguing with people. I mean that was already something occurring quite often (or often, a lot, or always), it was just that at that time, talking with other people was truly disgusting for me. And to crown the all the others of the Varia (I swear that was Levi and Bel) began to call me a drenched mouse behind my back.

As a result I was all alone, lost somewhere in hostile lands, an icy wind whipping my cheeks and ruffling my knotted hair and snow beginning to fall silently upon me. I was crossing the pines wood, my feet leaving deep prints in the snow under, my sword waving on my back. The scene surrounding me was nothing agreeable; only the whiteness of the snow, the shadows of the trees; a real embodiment of what you call the winter. No sound, no voice anywhere; the silence was almost deafening.

Tristemente deprimente.

But as I said before, at that point I was tired and my body was numb with the cold. After some time, I stopped in my march and, for some unknown reason (or perhaps I was starting feeling too cold that, once the adrenaline from the battle gone, I was starting to look for – should I say – a source of comfort), I looked at the sky above. Only a great disappointment was waiting for me: everywhere were spreading dark clouds threatening me with their promise of a frozen storm. No a bit of blue anywhere, only chilly white and grey. Then the first flake fell on my forehead.

Time really was something you can't erase.

Stupid. What was that? Something wet but warm was dripping on my face… Stupid, stupid! Voi, I was fucking glad no one was there to see that miserable state of mine.

Scene 2 – And every gasp of breath, I grabbed it just to find you

Annoying flight, slow and boring as fuck. The plane I used to go back home was a public one. Just forget about the jet for some time. It had been shit to get the air inspector to agree letting my sword in (for that, I had to be particularly convincing, in all the deadly way a tired and actually upset Mafioso could).

The landing wasn't better. Winters in Sicilia are always rainy. When I left one week earlier, it was raining; when I went back it was still raining, as if time hadn't passed since that. Yet I didn't loathe rain – otherwise I would have spit that role as Rain guardian at the Vongola's face and rubbed it all over. It was just that sometimes I wished for it to be less cold and merciless for those beneath it, mostly for me at that time.

After I left the landing stage I directly went out of the airport, looking for a cab under the torrents (Forgot my umbrella. Yes, you can laugh at my babyish omission), one hand pulling my coat's collar up and another carrying my case. Fortunately, for once luck didn't play against me as a car tooted at me from behind.

'Vooi. Haneuma? What the heck are you doing here?' I asked, disconcerted, as I saw the blonde's head appearing from the opened back door. We still kept contact after I left school and saw each others from time to time, but not that often; so I was quite astonished to see him there at that time.

'Yo, Squalo.' Dino said in his usual annoying way, all teeth shown out. 'Of course I came here to pick you. You didn't bring your umbrella?'

Idiotic brat. His smiling face was something I didn't want to see at that moment. 'Che.' I went back. 'I'll wait for a cab…'

'Aa-! Wait!' He half-got out from the vehicle and grabbed at my hand. 'Don't be so stubborn and come here! We're giving you a lift…' He abruptly pulled me in. Strano. Was I that tired? Or when did the Cavallone become that strong? And fuck it, who cares? I sat sluggishly at the back bench, not giving a fuck to my soaked clothes on the luxurious leather; nor was Dino, as it seemed. The car moved off.

'So, you've just arrived from Slovakia? I heard about your mission from the other Varias. Not too tiresome?' he asked kindly – nauseatingly kindly, while giving me a towel.

'I don't know who among that bunch of idiots found it very wise to blabber about confidential things, but I swear I'm going to skin them alive.' I took the towel from his hand and started drying my hair before taking off the dripping coat.

Dino only laughed happily. 'You're so mean. I only didn't want you to catch a cold.'

'Ah? So that means you're allowed to skip as you want from your training?' I sneered at the panicked blonde. So that fearsome professore was still tutoring him, though I'd only heard the Haneuma talk about him.

'Aaa! Squalo! Please, don't talk about him! It'll jinx me!' Dino vividly shook his head whilst pressing both his hands on it. The sight was actually quite comical indeed. At least it got the merit of cheering me up, even if just a bit, and at the same time royally exasperating me.

As the Haneuma always did.

Outside the rain was still falling on Sicilia. How wearisome.

'Ne, you're not hurt anywhere, are you?' Dino suddenly asked, his worried puppy eyes looking for traces of blood on my face.

'You really are stupid. How could those low life scums even touch me? I'm not one to die that easily, unlikely to you. I'm sure you still are tripping and slipping everywhere you're going, aren't you? I'm right, no?' I guessed when I saw the blonde blushing a deep red. 'Voooi. Yes, I'm right. That's a part of you that'll never change, Cavallone.'

'Y-y-you're wrong!' He stuttered, incerto. 'Right now I'm working on it… Lately I'm not that clumsy, anymore…'

'Ah ah! Who are you kidding? Sometimes you can't even go three meters without falling at least three times!'

'Tha… That was because my shoelaces weren't… And look who's talking!' Ah? 'Now you exactly look like a wretched mouse fallen in a river!'

I grinned at the blonde's daring. 'Voi, Haneuma. You really did it.'

'I… What? I did what?' The idiotic blonde asked, dumbfounded.

'Shut up! I'll kill you!'

The way until we arrived at the Varia mansion went by with the same childlike atmosphere.

Scene 3 – I climbed up every hill to get to you

'Ku… Fucking eye rings.' I swore when I saw my overly emaciated, worn-out face's reflect in the bathroom's mirror. Pugno nell'occhio, vero. Recently I didn't have enough time to stop and look correctly at my face, and the result was there: I wasn't hurt anywhere, instead my face looked strangely pale, as if I was ill, and few wrinkles were starting to show up – though lightly – between my eyebrows. Just add to this drained, grey orbs and long silvery hair entangle in a shambolic way, and then you can easily understand why everyone was referring to me as a mouse. For the last years, I indefatigably tried to put on a strong and determined expression on my features while leading the Varia squad, and kept on doing the work with no complaint and the minimum of shouting (one of the biggest realizations in my life), but I guess stress still did pool up.

I took hold of at a towel and went out in the dim hallway.

My steps were hushed by my bare feet as all I was wearing was my pajamas and the towel that was thrown carelessly on my shoulders. Fortunately my room was quite near the bathroom, right after the first corner, so I took my sweet time to get there. After all it was almost four in the morning, and even in a group of psychopathic assassins no one was crazy enough to get up that early.

I felt a tug at the bottom of my hair. 'Ah, yes.' I recalled. 'Some one sure was crazy enough not to sleep all over the night.' I turned back to pick at the second tuft of blonde hair since my arrival, but that time with a tiara perched on it.

'Voi, Bel. Why are you still awake? Go to bed already.' I said to the royal new recruit.

'Shi shi shi.' The answer came from the grinning child. 'Peasant doesn't have to tell the Prince when he is supposed to go to bed.'

Back then, Belphegor still was a ten year old little shrimp that didn't even reach my shoulders yet he would continuously keep on picking fight with everyone, and I was always the one left to calm down the brat (always in all the deadly way a Mafioso could).

'Che. Do as you want.' I moved on and walked some time before I snapped. 'Voooi, fucking brat! Quit on sticking with me everywhere I go!' Bel was following me on my heels, his hand still fastened to my hair. He started to wave it as to whip me with.

'Second-in-Command Squalo has long hair, ha molto di una ragazza~'

'Shut it, stupid brat!' I shouted. 'And I ask you one more time why the fuck are still awake!'

'Ee~ Squ-chan is angry~. Is he going to redden like a tomato and explode like a dynamite stick? Aa, I wanna see it! I wanna see it!' The brat was still waving my hair.

Crap. Why did I have to take care of that moron? I facepalmed and decided to ignore the brat still hanging on me. At least he was getting used to talking aloud but… Vooi fuck that fucking shrimp!

I came into my bedroom, Bel always on my heels, after that took a sit in a couch facing a lighten fire place before starting rubbing my wet hair with the towel.

'What, now?' I hissed at the blonde who nonchalantly sat on the opposite chair. He had pulled his feet up and curled up on his spot, slowly balancing himself forward and backward, from his position face and hair barely lightened by the bright flame. Bel wasn't saying anything, he just stared at some point unknown to me because of the curtain of golden bangs hiding his eyes. Seeing him silenced like that and knowing that a kid like him had been able to slaughter his entire famiglia could be creepy, sometimes. Well, we also have a baby that can use high-level illusions so I think Bel's age wasn't quite the problem.

I sighed. 'You should go to bed.' I stated the most composed way possible for me. 'If you don't you won't make it for tomorrow's training…'

'You were gone.'

Ah? That was supposed to be the problem?

'Voi, of course I had to. It was for work.'

That's why I say he still was a brat, a fucking brat who never wanted to be left alone.

'I hate that.'

'Just shut up and take it like a man. Or else you'll never survive here.'

'I still hate that.'

Shit. I'm not some sort of bambinaia who can deal with all of your childish fears. And just tell me when did I become your fucking mama? Quale che

'Vooi, brat…' I was growing irritated.

'You should hate it too. So why are you still doing this?'

'Aa? Now what are you talking about?' I almost yelled at the Prince when I saw him getting up from the chair without answering me then heading to the door, but just let him go. After all I was tired of all this and I wanted to sleep, even a bit. So I thought as I was rubbing my eyes, but once more the brat called at me.

'I can't understand it, Squalo.' His voice was dry and abrupt. 'Why are you still waiting for him?'

I murderously glared at him. Wasn't the answer obvious?

'Kid. That is something you have nothing to do with. Go to sleep already.'

Bel got out, and I think I heard him mutter something like 'Non capisci' between his teeth before he closed the door.

I looked at the clock above the hearth. Twenty two past four. Yet again I was left alone in my bedroom.

Scene 4 – I wandered ancient lands to hold just you

Morning hadn't been gentle, neither. Outside the wind was blowing wildly, carrying away the remaining leafs from the fall. I woke up more annoyed than when I went to bed as I knew some job more wasteful than my last trip in the Carpates was waiting for me. I cast a glimpse to the clock to see it was barely 7 o'clock. Nice, the meeting was at eleven so I still had some time left before heading to the Vongola's quartiere generale. I slowly got up and went to the restroom.

'Oh! Squ-chan, you really are back!' Lussuria sang as he saw me leaving my bedroom, beaming like a madman near the staircase. I supposed he was preparing breakfast at that moment because of the pink apron the Brazilian man was always wearing for that occasion. 'I was talking about you not showing up at yesterday's dinner. There were some leftovers in the fridge, did you check on it?'

As always the Varia's Sun guardian was a real mother-hen, always cooking and caring for everyone in the mansion. I greeted him behind my messy silvery bangs, skipping his own question.

'Oh, Luss. Did you see the stupid Prince this morning?'

'You're talking about Bel-chan? That little one is truly too~ cute! You saw him yesterday? I told that kid to go to bed but right after I saw him sneaking out running to your room! Bel-chan actually did become attached to Squ-chan…'

'Voooi, Lussuria. I asked you if you know that shitty runt went this morning.' I cut the motherly ranting.

'A-Ah! Of course! I think Bel-chan is playing somewhere outside… At least he was there very early in the morning. I indeed told him to go back home because it was very windy, but he only threw his knives to me.' He added quite sadly. That was supposed to be a cute child?

'Voi. Later I have to attend some shitty meeting with the highly-ranked with Levy and Mammon so be sure the brat won't do something rash while I'm out.'

'Aye, aye, sir. By the way, Squ-chan.' Lussuria waved his hand frenetically but then stopped, face truthfully worried. 'You look awful, recently. You aren't ill, are you? Beside it seems you've lost some weigh… Did you eat regularly during your last mission?'

'… Your complaining about everything is noisy, fuck it! I'm not a child anymore and I'm fed up of everyone telling the same shit to me!' Not surprisingly Lussuria saw clear in my play, as I thought from someone who had known me for years. I sighed unenthusiastically. 'Just do what I said, okay?'

I went back in my room to put my Varia uniform.

Next was the breakfast which elapsed at a snail's pace. Everyone but Lussuria was quiet and bleak. They finally found out Bel (he was cutting curtains with his knives), and so the entire Varia minus their boss was silently eating in the gigantic dining room. The gloomy sight of a horde of assassins wasn't in fact what one wanted to see first in the morning. I quickly finished the baked custard and took a last sip of coffee before I got up, ordering Levy and Mammon to do as well.

At nine we were off. Twenty minutes later we arrived at the quartiere generale, the Nono's palace. What a weird feeling, going back to that place after everything that happened three years earlier. Now I recall about that it really seems twisted. Moreover I said previously we were attending a gathering of the Vongola's officers… But guess what? All we had to do was to secure the entire place, as it would have be the perfect timing to attack the famiglia whilst all of their officials were in there.

Don't you forget: following our orders will grant the Varia's mercy, both your team and your leader.

Yeah, sure I wouldn't forget that. So I was pondering as I was standing in front of the manor, both the other Varia members posted at some invisible places behind the mansion's décor. I didn't have to look after them; they were already supposed to know how to do their job. I yawned, back leaned to the front wall. It was going to be a very long day.

The next hour I, together with some other pawns of the security, were welcoming an endless line of Mafiosi from everywhere in Italy, each one bringing their own trusty men, a procession of cars following them. They all went in and stayed there for almost the rest of the day. It was mid-afternoon when they went out for a break; that was when I met the Bronco.

'Hi, Squalo. I didn't know you would come here.' Dino remarked with the same jovial grin. Without any invitation he came at my side.

'That's my line, Cavallone. I thought only officials from the Vongola would come here. Why is your famiglia attending to that meeting too?'

'Well, for various reasons… And it isn't as if we are really participating.' We both silenced and stared at the sterile scena del inverno. All around the place the forest was spreading into an ocean of dark and wizened branches reflecting into the puddles on the grounds. The wind was still blowing wildly, ruffling my hair still in a ponytail. That was quite funny to notice how I was melting in the scene without even camouflaging. At least it had stopped raining, or else I would have died from hypothermia since that morning. However the air was incredibly heavy.

'… So, you, why are you here?' Pertinace cavallo.

'Che. To look over the freak show.' I sneered at the suit-wearing pompous geezers and stretched my arms. Dino laughed. I frowned. I didn't like that place and the atmosphere was weird. All I wanted was to go back home and sleep and perhaps never wake up. I rubbed my eyes.

'But…' He hiccupped. 'Looking at you like that, it only reminds me on… You know… As if you were their hound.'

As if I was their hound.

The word echoed in my head. It echoed. It echoed, and then popped. Wait. Is that how everyone here sees me? Like a fucking dog of theirs they keep on their leash and walk everywhere it pleases them?

'Voi. Cavallone.' A trembling in my voice denoted a rising anger. 'Get out from my sight. Now.'

It left Dino speechless. 'Eh? What's wrong, Squ…'

'I told you to get out from my sight, fucking Haneuma!' My voice rose frantically at the end of the sentence, it resulted in everyone in the yard watching oddly at me. Like I could give a fuck. I simply left my post and head to the portico. Fuck all that security shit; I was going back to the mansion. However I still could hear the blonde running after me.

'Wait! Squalo, wait, I say!' He pleaded. 'I'm sorry for what I said… I shouldn't…'

'Ku… You fucking moron of a horse.' I paused in my pace and glared at him. 'Quit following me, I'm fucking fed up with all that shit. If only you can know how much I'm fed up with all of this…'

'I'm sorry' Dino firmly took a hold of my right hand. 'I'm sorry, Squalo. I shouldn't have told you… That was something… I'm sorry. Forgive me…'

'Let me go.' I threatened.

'I can't… I won't. Squalo, I'm…'

My artificial hand went slapping the blonde as I ran out of patience. It left a huge, red mark on his skin. 'I thought I told you to leave me alone.' Astonished by the move he unconsciously freed my hand; I took advantage of the moment and left him behind. I almost reached our car when I felt a stronger grip pulling me back. Fuck it, Cavallone. Why was that man always so…? I was on the point of punching him back when suddenly we slipped on a puddle and fell down, the blonde topping me, his face buried in my nape.

'Shitty…'

'Squalo.' He said in a desperate tone. 'I love you. I loved you for years, since we met… Until now. I love you.'

Ah? What the fuck was that? A love confession? It seemed, in any case. I started seriously asking myself about the boy's sanity, wondering if I hit him too hard earlier, and if that was what was making utter nonsense.

'Squalo…' For some time we didn't move, looking certainly stupid in that isolated place, if someone saw us. At last the blonde timidly raised his head, searching for some approval; he only met a scorching glare.

'Vooi, shithead. Are you nuts?'

Scene 5 – And every single step of the way, I pay

I was pacing up and down in my bedroom, unconsciously biting my thumb's nail (a habit I developed when I was truly exasperated), and eyes bulging with anger. The weird sensation in the Ninth's castello still was remaining in my mind. I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all, voi. Or rather than hating it – although the impression was very alike – it was bothering, disturbing, distressing… That place brought back to my mind hurtful memories that had never been erased but at the same time they stabbed me at some point I didn't know that it was there before.

Memories of him, memories of both of us and that day and then his own body trapped in there…

'Shit!' I kicked a chair next to me.

Fucking morons, fucking Haneuma and fucking world. Was everything in that God-forsaken place going to be the same for the rest of my life?

Hours earlier, Mammon and Levy came back from the meeting. Apparently nothing really serious happened so they didn't need my assistance. Great. That would have done some vacancy for me. I was already locking myself in when I heard them come in.

'The second in command has come back? We couldn't find him at the Ninth's house.' I heard Mammon's baby voice talk downstairs.

'Humph! How unreliable. What would have occurred if we needed him for an emergency?' Fuck you, Levy.

'Maa, maa, nothing happened, didn't it? So it's not the point of bringing it on the table… Plus Squ-chan is very tired, right now. Maybe he had a breakdown?' Shut it Lussuria. Stop making up such stupid tale.

'Mumu. That's quite odd from him. Did Levy back-talk about him again?' You're all doing this! I can hear you from here!

'Wh-Why would I do that? I've more decency than that…' The sound of their quarrel was silenced by a knocking on my door. This time was Bel?

'What do you want?' I bellowed at the blonde when he came in. Bel shuddered. For once he didn't have that shitty principesco attitude; he just stood on the door-step, playing awkwardly with the doorknob. As he didn't answer, it only made me fume more. 'Well?'

'You're angry.' Bel just stated.

'Hell yeah no wonder I'm angry with this entire planet's idiots fucking with my head every single day!'

'They're making a ruckus, down there. You should go stop them before they destroy the house.'

'Vooi. I don't care about this. I don't give a flying fuck about this. Le'hem burn everything and everyone in a 5km radius, I wouldn't even raise an eyebrow.'

The kid still stood there, unmoving and quiet, before:

'… What happened at the meeting?' My life's a shit, everything I try to fulfill ends up like shit. Fuck. Did I also have to explain myself in front of a ten-year old psychopath? My head started aching; I sat down on my bed.

'Nothing…' I massaged the juncture of my eyebrows. 'I already said. Brats don't have to meddle with my problems.'

Finally Bel closed the door then went to sit next to me, body so light the bed barely creaked beneath its weight. He didn't say anything. He just sat there, eyes unfocusedly cast somewhere in my bedroom. It surely was the unique time we just sat side by side without arguing with each other, without trying to kill each other. I knew Bel wasn't the kind of child who seeks for human comfort – quite the contrary, so I couldn't make up why the brat was still lingering there; and his muteness was also troubling me.

'Voi, kid.' At last, I gave in, my hand stroking carelessly the thick tuft of golden hair. 'I'm alright, so stop worrying about me.'

Bel shrugged his shoulders. 'Who says I'm worrying about you? Princes aren't worrying about no one else but them.'

'Aye, aye.'

'I'll kill you.'

'Just try and do it. Fate come vi pare.'

'…'

Beyond doubt babysitting is a pain in the ass.

Scene 6 – Every single night and day, I search for you

I turned round in my bed for I think the nth time, eyes bright open.

'Non puoi dormire.' I muttered in my pillow. Insomnia had become something very ordinary for me. When I was on mission, it didn't bother me at all; but when I was back home and too tired to think about anything else, it sure could be greatly annoying.

The rain was falling outside, a real deluge. The wind was hitting pitilessly at the outside walls, twisting the dead trees' branches. Further, a peal of thunder could be heard, incessantly, indefatigably, the lightings' gleam blooming seconds before it. It seemed as the sky itself was unleashing its wrath upon the poor human beings.

I looked at the ceiling: it was blank and cold. Crap. That wasn't what I needed. Finally I decided on closing my eyes and concentrate myself on the other sounds: a trickle in the other room, the tic-tac of my clock, my own heart's thumping… That was no good. Fortunately, I didn't have assignments anymore until the next week – all thanks to Lussuria and his nonstop motherly anxiety about me. So at least I could lie abed late for the next week… Though it would be in no way useful if I couldn't even sleep correctly!

'Vooi! That's fucking bothersome!' I briskly drew myself up in my bed, but instantly fell back in the sheets as, anyhow; I was lacking several days of sleeping.

Tic-tac, tic-tac, tic-tac. This was all one could here in the room. I sighed. How could I even succeed in staying awake with such a boredom, I didn't know. Fatigue, weariness and solitude, those three had become my best road companions, but I've never wished so much to be with someone than that night. Not with those bloody idiots who always kept on hanging with me; rather with… Shit. I was starting to think like the fucking girl Bel assumed I was. No way. Tic-tac, tic-tac, tic-tac. That's it. Concentrate on that sound only, only that sound, just forget about everything…

Tutto …

I finally fell in a sound sleep.

'Voi, Xanxus…' I hear myself speaking, but it's much more like an echo. 'I'll become… The sword emperor for you…'

At that moment I feel I'm falling down, down into some unfathomable part of my subconscious. It's a while before I open my eyes again in a tiny hospital bedroom that is lit up with a brutal halogenous light.

'What?' Mmh? What what? 'What are you talking about?' Ah. That's still my voice. But where am I?

'You have to accept it, Superbi Squalo. Your boss is just as you saw him yesterday: he isn't dead, but he can't feel anything anymore.' That highly disdainful voice… I know him. Ganauche, one of the Ninth's Guardians. What is he doing here?

'That's… a lie! It must be nothing but lies, voi! Xanxus can't be… In no way…'

Ganauche frowns and suddenly grabs a tuft of silvery hair down, and I can see where I am: tied with a strait jacket in something looking like a hospital bed, though the inside of the prison room I'm locked in isn't nothing as welcoming as that.

'Face reality, kid. The coup d'état failed. The one you've been following has fallen, everyone in the Varia with him, and this is also your case. If I were you I'd rather worry about myself and the trial which will decide about the Varia's punishment.' The Guardian then releases my hair and gets out of the room, leaving behind a disorientated boy.

Ah, I understand where I am. That scene has happened three years ago, right after the Cradle affair. Accigliato. I nearly forgot the details of that day, and mostly how I looked like at that time. What an unsightly view: I was smaller than now, of course, my hair shorter, and my face covered with dressings. I still remember the pain in my members, my head feeling heavy and dizzy, and my mouth filled a ferric and salty taste.

And I also remember the bitterness and the despair of the loss.

'Fuck.' I hiss, eyes – I suppose filled with tears – hidden by white bangs. 'Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.' I keep on swearing. I think that, if that time they didn't tie me to the bed, I'd have hit my head on the wall so much my hatred was immense. 'What the fuck is that? How could that even happen? This is a nightmare, isn't it? This must be a fucking nightmare…' How ironical. A nightmare in my dream (I assume I'm dreaming)? 'Xanxus… He isn't…'

Next a sharp cry tears the dullness of my lips and resounds desperately in the silence. Time is slipping so slowly.

Another frame, another memory. I'm waiting in a dim corridor, body still tied with the same strait jacket, two guards with me. Behind the enormous door at the end of the passage, people I don't know, people who don't understand anything about the Varia are decreeing about Xanxus' fate and by the same time, ours, and I fear. I, Superbi Squalo, the one who brought down hundreds men, I, the dreadful Varia's second in command, I, the Sword Emperor, I'm waiting in fear. Nonetheless I'm not terrified of what they would decide about me, for once I don't give a damn about my little person. No, what I'm afraid of, what I'm scared of is what those leccapiedi are going to settle about my boss. As we are the heads of the putsch, it's normal we're the first to pass under the guillotine, but with Xanxus in his ice prison, I'm the only one waiting on the accuseds' bench. No need for you to attend at your sentence, they said, and consider yourself lucky to have a trial. If it weren't for the Ninth's son, you all would be dead by now. I mentally spit on that fucker's face; I would have really done that if I still had some energy left, and even more, but unfortunately that isn't the case. So I'm waiting, I've been waiting here for hours (I've lost time notion), and I surely will have to wait for a long time before they finish it.

Nonetheless, they finish it, at the very last. Or, wait, that's not it. That man who just has got out isn't one of the officials, he's just a lackey and he tells me to follow him in to listen at the debate's conclusion. What a magnanimous attention from them, I'm so grateful I think I'll send them flowers with a lovely card if I get out from here; I mean head still knitted with the rest of my body.

The room is large and full of scrutinizing eyes, it makes me feel uncomfortable. The Ninth is here too; they're all here, he, sitting behind a desk, and his Guardians surrounding him. But there aren't only them: a lot of much less familiar faces are also here, each one sitting on chairs turned toward me.

I've been sent into le fosso delle leone.

A man I know he's called Coyote Nougat is standing up next to the Nono, blabbering shit like:

'… Do you understand the gravity of your sin, traitorous? As a Mafioso your loyalty should go first to your capo. However you chose to show your fangs and turn against your master! Aren't you ashamed of yourself, you who bear the name of the superbia? …' And some other crap like that. Fuck you. As if I would care about you, dickheads. I didn't vow my sword to any one of you so shut up and die already. '… We've decided on both you and Xanxus' punishment. Are you prepared to listen to it?'

I nod silently, as slowly as if my head is supporting a truck's weight. 'I don't care about me so, first, what are you fu-… are you going to do about Xanxus?' My mouth was dry and my voice low, I notice.

The Guardian casts a glance to the Ninth, who nods sorrowfully, then back at me: 'The traitorous Xanxus, son of Timoteo Vongola, the Ninth boss of the Vongola, for the crime of high-treason, is condemned to dwell in his prison of ice (sharp pain in my throat), locked in the catacombs of the Ninth's manor, and this until his sins are pardoned by the famiglia, no matter of how many months, years or decades it would take.'

I'm shuddering, tears at the brim of my eyes, but I won't cry. No way I'm gonna show to those fucktards that miserable side of mine; so I settle on breathing in heavily before exhaling with the same vigor. 'And what are you going to do to me and my men?' That's funny that a fourteen years old teenager is referring about a squad of deadly assassins much older than him as 'his men', but however.

Coyote frowns and crosses his arms. 'You and the Varia members' case is quite different, so it took a bit more to deliberate about it. Squalo, as one of the revolt's leaders, it goes without saying your head is to fall. Or it should be so. Nevertheless, you're still the Varia's leader, and a bright one, and you're young. So how about staying at your previous post?'

You slapped me, puttana. You slapped me and you're taking pleasure in doing it, I want to scream, but I keep it to myself. What? That was supposed to be the dreadful Vongola's court? You're kidding me, puttana. "As one of the revolt's leader" you say? Don't fuck with me! Isn't there a gigantic gap between Xanxus' sentence and mine? This is only done to say: that one is just a pawn; the other one is the real threat for us, but as we can't kill him, let's wedge him in his ice cube – after all, for him it's a fate worse than death. But this is just… That sort of thing is just…

'Mmh? Did you say something?' Coyote asks.

'… I said…' My voice is broken but the next sentence is much more audible because I'm shouting it to all the fucktwits gathered in the Ninth's room, and this is what I trash at the Vongola boss, Guardians and officials: 'A fucking… Colossal… Masquerade, you shitty pieces of trash! What's that kind of verdict? Every single scum in this room… Is that what you've argued about for so long?'

I take a step forward but instantly the two gorillas are flattening me on the ground. The stares on my back are burning, however I continue berating. Pagliacci, impazzite in sogni dorati. 'You stupid trashes who know absolutely nothing at all about that man! Fucking bureaucrats who not a single time in their trashy life had stood on the battlefield, and fucking bastards who don't even have the guts to properly… Ugh!'

I can't finish because something has hacked violently on the nape of my neck.

When I wake up, I'm in the same room with the same bed, but not the same persons in here.

'You're awake, Squalo?' The Ninth said with his very soft voice. Too soft, I think.

'As you can see, Ninth.' I acknowledge the visitor. Fuck, my head hurts more now, and I think I threw up during my sleep. The Vongola boss smiles a little and tells his Guardians to wait out. They try to oppose, but finally give in.

After that the old man doesn't say anything anymore. There is no chair in the small room, so he has to sit down on the bed, both hands resting on his knees. From the point of view I am at the moment, I see how much the man seems old (well, of course he is) and tired, his face's wrinkles deep and numerous and his back bowed with age and all of the dilemmas he had to deal with in his entire life. I can't help but feel a bit of compassion for the vecchio.

'Six years, Squalo. Perhaps eight, perhaps ten. But no more.' He states in the end, but I don't understand what he's meaning. He sees I didn't get it. 'No more than ten years, Squalo. I won't let my own son caged in the ice for that long for the only purpose of pleasing… How did you call them, again?... Ah. "Stupid trashes who know absolutely nothing about Xanxus". I'm right?' Nono still smile fondly, but I don't take it as a joke. I rather avert my eyes from his.

'… Voi. Your son, huh?' I mutter cynically and I don't believe that this time the old man understands what I'm implying.

'Yes, my son.' He only answers whilst getting up. 'And you too. Tomorrow you'll be sent back to the Varia's quartiere generale. So (he opens the door) see you soon, Sword Emperor.'

Slam.

The last sensation I recall from that time is the wetness of my tears – tears of anger or of joy though, I don't remember anymore – tears dropping on my cheeks.

Scene 7 – Every single night and day, I search for you

Gasps. I woke up in the middle of the night, my forehead covered with sweat and heart throbbing.

'Was that a nightmare?' I asked myself, wiping the beads of sweat with my artificial hand before noticing it also was hurting a bit. 'No, that wasn't.'

Everything thanks to that fucking security job at the Ninth's manor… I sat on my bed, arms circling my still shaking knees. That's right, it was almost three years; my hands found their way to my hair. Three years of unwearied waiting, three years of blind hope and loyalty. Yet, I was no superman, no brave guy with an exemplary patience, I wish I were, but I wasn't.

'And even, all I could do at that time was watching…'

Wounds from the past didn't seem they would heal by themselves. Take it like a man and camminare o morire, that was what I repeated to myself again and again.

'But now, it isn't enough. I was supposed to stay by your side until I'd die or you'd get fed up of me… Not like this, shit!' My fists contracted. Until when would that foolish situation go on? Although I was so tired of it… I straightened.

'I want to see you.'

That phrase seemed to be the conclusion of those entire nights deprived with sleep and days I was ghosting from a place to another with that bitterness in my mouth. I wanted to see him, that was simple and frank. I watched outside to see everything left from the previous torrent was a mere drizzle, then I checked my clock: half past ten. I had plenty time to go there and back without being noticed by anyone, so got up and went to the bathroom. I didn't bother wearing my uniform and just settled with casual jeans and coat, I knotted my hair and left.

The Vongola quartiere generale were something quite impressive by day, by night they were purely lugubre, so I thought whilst going along the surrounding wall. There was no way in hell they were going to let me in if I asked them, so I made my way, sneakily, by jumping incognito beyond the wall, avoiding all the security system's cameras and the guards scattered almost everywhere. Before our coup d'état, the manor had never been facing a serious front attack, so they were totally distraught when we lashed in. But that time it seemed they learnt a bit from their errors – despite it still had no effect on me.

So I easily went in the house. Vestibolo was dark yet it didn't bother me as I already was acquainted with the manor from top to bottom. I took a corridor leading me to another before I arrived in front of a stairway I knew it would take me to the building's basement. I went down.

However, starting from that point, I commenced to have an odd feeling of apprehension mixing with nostalgia, more than before. They hadn't change anything: it was the same slippery steps spreading to the infinite in the darkness, the same cold bricks plastering the wall, and the same chilly draught blowing from the end of the way. The more I was nearing the end, the more the discomfort in my stomach tightened, but I preferred to ignore it.

A few more stairs further and I were arrived in a huge excavation where the air was much cooler than upstairs. It was so cold that my puffs went out with white steams. And there, there I saw it: a gigantic porta finestra as high as the ceiling, tenebrous and as austere as a churchyard's entrance – though it was almost the same thing for me. I approached it, stinging crossing my left arm as electricity, then I froze. The gate was sealed, of course, but still – and I don't know why – I had kept some hope it wasn't.

'So this is a dead-end?' I sighed, but I didn't want to go back yet, so I sat down on the ground.

I think a stayed like in the same position for maybe ten minutes, there on the dust and cheeks freezing, staring naively at the Door before me.

'How stupid.' At last I realized how fool I might look like. I stood back up and turned tail.

Or rather I was on the very point of turning tail but at that moment I heard a dull 'Puff!' followed by my vision clouded with pink smoke.

'What the…?' Was the only thing I could say before an unknown flying object went crushing on my head before pouring down on my hair – was that truly tequila? – and fuck did it hurt.

'Ugly piece of trash!' A harsh voice roared at me. 'This isn't the brand I asked you!'

It made me shiver with disbelief. How was that possible? Dio. How on holy world could that even be possible?

The pink clouds finally cleared before me, and afterward I saw that spiky black raven hair – a bit longer than what I used to know; those dark red eyes filled with that oh well-known wrath; those red feathers hanging lazily on his neck; I saw him and I think my voice cracked because of the shock when I finally opened my mouth to greet the apparition.

Scene 8 – Through sandstorm and hazy dawns I reach for you

'Xanxus….' I managed to say. 'It's really you…'

Xanxus looked at me like at a madman. He was sitting into a throne-like chair, legs crossed on a wide desk in front of him. The room we were in was half-lighted, only moonlight was lighting from enormous windows. The raven-haired Mafioso was watching at me with perplex eyes, but after that I don't know why he threw at me another bottle.

'Voooi! Why the heck did you have to do that?' I shouted in indignation, and I subsequently paused. Where was that place? It was like I knew it, it was on the tip of my tongue, but at the same time I couldn't put a name upon it… At that moment I remembered the huge creepy office in the Varia mansion that I didn't want to use – no need to.

'Feccia. It's your fault for bringing me the wrong booze in the future.' He fumed. Of course he was angry, Xanxus is always angry, I recalled with a flash of happiness. Another glimpse at the man in front of me taught me he wasn't exactly the same Xanxus I knew: he looked older, bigger and strange scars were darkening some part of his face and arms… Could that be because of the Ninth's flames? I pondered, as I would never directly ask that to that man. I chased away the dim-witted smile I thought I was making.

'In the future, you said…'

'You brainless shark, it's obvious this isn't the time you used to live in.' He took some more of the liquor on his desk and he stared at me, and man I swear I missed those dark red orbs' gaze on me. 'Don't worry for your sorry ass, you'll get back ten years earlier by five minutes. By the way what the fuck is that shit?' Xanxus lifted his chin toward my direction.

'Che?'

'That shitty thing on your head, scum. What's that? It looks like a rat nest.'

'Vooooi, that's my hair, you fucktard! What's your problem with it?' I roared. That bastard sure hadn't changed a bit. Always such a pain in the ass.

'It's shit. It's even worse than shit. How can you even show up in public with such shit on your head? Or are you waiting for people to throw tomatoes at your face and tell you to lock yourself in your room for having such low-level fashion style, mostrosità voi?'

That asshole… I pointed an accusing finger at him. 'Fuck off, stupid boss. This is only because of…' Words remained glued in my throat. This is because of me waiting for you, this is because of you imprisoned in the ice, this is because of that foolish pegno I would never break, even if I had to give my life to fulfill it. So I wanted to scream, but I dared not. I only stood there stupidly mute, with tequila dripping from my ponytail and my hand hesitantly retreating back. No, I wouldn't fight upon such childish question as hair or booze. I passed that age, and time was too precious to be wasted for that.

I cleared my voice. 'Voi. So this is how things are. You're the Xanxus from the future… So… How… How are you? I'm glad you've stayed the same old bastard you were.' I'm glad you've been released from your prison.

'Shut it, shark trash. No matter when, you're equal to yourself: a fucking trash always bitching about the smallest details.'

'You've hit my head, bastard!'

'That's exactly what I'm saying.'

I frowned. I didn't want to argue with Xanxus, though I didn't know how to talk to him like… Um, you know, like the friend I was supposed to be. However, as spontaneity wasn't one of my strong points and would never be, I just awkwardly bit on my lower lip and clenched my fists. Fuck. About what could I talk about for both of us not to end up screaming on each other like children? I really did want to see him, but I had never actually thought about what I could say to a man – and a fucking bastard into the bargain – I hadn't see for years.

'Trash, stop fidgeting like a high school teenager. That's creepy.' Xanxus finally demanded.

'I… I wasn't at all, you scum! Just why the hell would I?' Did I really look like that idiot at that moment? I couldn't say since I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I wasn't aware anymore of my own acts.

Though the brunette didn't appreciate it. He tchicked. 'Su via.'

It startled me, but I complied with Xanxus' order and, without saying a word, moved toward his throne. 'What?'

He beckoned me to his lap. I didn't get it; I stared at the tanned man for some time before realization hit my mind, and it got me fucking annoyed.

'The fuck? Voooi! Do you think I'm a neonato or whatever? Holy fuck I'm not doing this! That's just degrading; go find someone else to do it… I know, Levy is here too, no? Go ask him if he… Nah, I'm fucking sure he would beam like a child in a toy factory, if you were the one to ask that…'

A hard tug on my coat made me lose balance, and then I ungraciously landed on my boss' legs.

'Vooi… Xanxus, you fucker!' I was struggling as hard as I could to get off, but with no result. Xanxus held a tight grip on my clothes, and all my effort for escaping from the raven-haired man only ended in me straddling him, dark hands on my waist forcing me to stay in that position. 'Cut that fucking joke off, you jerk! That's fucking embarrassing! What if someone come in and find us like th-… Humph!'

And that was when, holy fuck in the world, my fucking bastard of a boss, the same asshole that was some time earlier throwing tequila at my head, that was when said bastard kissed me, harshly and hungrily, to the point of giving me suffocation.

Scene 9 – I'm tired and I'm weak but I'm strong for you

'Xanxus… Mmh! Che fai- Anh…'

Strong arms on my hips and my back were preventing me to move freely as thick lips were crushed on mine, bruising, sucking, brushing against mine. Just how the fuck did we end like that?

Slowly, Xanxus' hands secured on my hair, pulling at the knot, undoing it, and started playing with my flowing hair.

'I like it better like that.' He said between two kisses. That bastard, do you think I've grown them for that purpose? I frantically pushed the large torso away, trying to articulate something, but it only encouraged the brunette to pull me closer.

Really, what was that? Was that another mean Xanxus found to tease me, some sort of ragging he found very funny to do to a younger me? Or – and my back froze when I thought at that possibility – was that truly what we used to do together in the future? Quasi che … Quasi che …

'Xanxus!' I finally tore my lips from his. I was panting and out of breath, face as red as the carpet covering the ground. 'What's… What's the meaning of all that shit? I mean, what's up with you? Doing that kind of thing… That's just like… Just like lovers, doesn't it!?'

'What?' The raven was still placid and all-mighty. 'You don't like it?'

'Hell no! I'm your sword, not a girlfriend or a fucking wife of yours! Go find one for yourself and do that with her!'

He leaned on the chair's back. 'So you're giving me orders now, trash? You sure have some guts.'

'Vooi! That's not what I want to say!' Fuuck. How much I didn't like how the things turned out to be. Not only I wasn't spontaneous, but at the same time I didn't feel at ease with the subject. I reddened more, if it was possible. 'If you have such urges, why don't you find a woman and then… and then…'

'And what if I didn't want to?' His crimson eyes were sending daggers. However seeing I didn't want to pursue the conversation, he quieted, but after some time, tugged hurtfully at my hair, closing the distance between so that he was plainly facing me. 'Trash, do you think I'd really do things like kissing you if I didn't want to? I'd never, scum. Instead I'd blast your head and wish your stupid face farewell. Or you'd rather me doing that?'

'V-voi. Of course, no.' I mumbled. Bastardo.

Xanxus smirked and fondled at the silvery mane. 'So everything is right the way it is, isn't it?'

For the second time, his lips brushed mine, but that time it wasn't as forceful as before. He leisurely took his sweet time, licking at my lips, asking for entrance, entrance I faintly gave him – just like everything in my life I ended up giving to that selfish blockhead.

'Mm… Ngh. Aa-'

The tanned man's hands were back on my hair, caressing or applying soft tug on it from time to time. That's why I wondered if Xanxus hadn't developed a hair fetish, and if it could be my fault.

Later though Xanxus regained his forceful personality revealed by the way he harshly bit on the inside of my mouth and tightened his grip on my waist. At some point I was even so engrossed with the kiss I didn't notice that my own arms had locked firmly behind his back and that my nails had started to dig in his skin. Yet, the dark haired man didn't complain. As if he would complain for such a thing, because that's was how that man was made: a rough, untamed, beautiful Cielo which tantrum would correspond to the Trump of doom. That was why I was his Rain, the Rain that would sing their requiem for the poor souls swept by his tempesta. Xanxus was, is my everything, the reason of my being. He captivated me; he's the one who created me, who made me real.

I moaned when his tongue wiped a sweet spot at the back of my mouth before withdrawing as swiftly as he came in.

'Hey trash… Did you miss me?' The raven whispered right beside my ear shell.

Oh Lord, how couldn't I miss Xanxus' presence, his voice, his warmth, his shitty way of bullying me? Perhaps the heat pooling in my veins was due to the air charged with alcohol steams around us, I didn't know. But if I was sure about something, it was undoubtedly the fact that I've never felt as complete as when I was with the dark-haired man, and no one else but him.

'Certainly not.' But my pride wouldn't allow me to admit it.

'Humph. Piece of trash.' He lapped on my cheek. 'Buon Natale.'

'Voi, boss. That's weird from you.' I smiled knowingly.

'I don't care. Time is almost over.' Xanxus added while resting his head on my shoulder.

I shuddered. Shit. I didn't want it. Just a bit more, just a little bit more would be enough, but I didn't want it to end like that, I wanted to scream.

Oh, and fuck time limits and other shit like that. I embraced the raven head, practically throwing myself on him, and initiated another kiss, more desperate, more afflicted. Miscuglio d'amore e odio. I kissed him as if there would be no tomorrow – no tomorrow for me, at least – taking up his musky scent in my breath, enthralling myself with his charm for the last time before long. As awkward and unsure I was, Xanxus gave back each touch, each caress, each demanding solicitude.

In few minutes you won't be here anymore, in few minutes I'm going back to my empty daily life, I chanted in my mind. Dio, almeno una volta abbi pieta.

My fears confirmed themselves when I heard the same dull 'puff' as before and saw the same pink cloud blinding me and isolating me from my surroundings.

And then I knew I was back in the previous cave with no one else but maybe ghosts of the past around me.

Scene 10 – I want to go home but my love gets me through

I had slumped on the dusty ground, breath still heavy and laborious, hair and clothes a mess and I think a trail of saliva was dripping on my chin. I didn't quite understand the time-travelling concept, so I wondered if what I saw had actually been reality or a hallucination from the lack of sleep.

'Gee. I really have to go home now.' I said while rubbing the back of my head; that was until I noticed it was gone. 'Ah? Where has that fallen? That lace…' The lace I used to knot my hair with. I tapped in the dust for some time, trying to find the piece of cord, but strangely it remained undiscoverable.

'Huh? Could it be…?' I turned at the giant door. 'Was that… real?' I came closer and eyed at the gate. Putting my right hand on it, I leaned my forehead on the cold wood; my swollen lips parted.

'It's alright. It's alright, Xanxus. No matter how long you'll stay locked in there, I'll wait for you. Until the very end, I'll stay by your side.' I left a light kiss on the door. 'But don't make wait too long, you bastard.'

Sull' isola arsa dalla malvagità.

Yeah! Finished it! So did you like it? Please review! Reviews make me want to write more and better!

Sorry if I've made some characters OOC, but this is how I perceive them... So... Review please!