Hate Me, a steven universe fanfic

Lars' P.O.V:

It hurts so much to do, but I have to do it every day. I blocked out images of her, her smiling face, that kiss...everything. I had to do it so I wouldn't lose my head. They were always crawling back to me, eating away at my mind until I was sobbing. This was normal for me. I had lost the only girl I ever loved and yet, she was still here, everyday reminding me of what I no longer had. And every day, I would take it. I would wish for her to go away, to never deal with me again. She deserved so much better than me and yet, every day, she reminded me of what I couldn't give her. She gave me all she had and I kept blowing her off. I just wanted space...that was all. Maybe being alone would make me a better person...a better man for her...was that even possible? It burned all pride I had in myself to think back to the way I treated her. I was so mean to her. I acted like I was the best person on the planet when, all along, it was her who was holding me up. All I want for her now is someone who can do the same for her.

I want her to hate me for that. I want her to hate me every day of her life for the way I treated her. I would never wish something so horrible as such on anyone else other than myself. I want her to hate me the way I hate myself right now. I want her to realize what's finally good for her. I want her to be happy.

She has helped me through so much and with things I could never accomplish on my own. I work harder and harder, trying to keep myself above water on my own. I always find my way back to her, though. She's always cleaning up the mess for me and I can't stand it. She never seems to doubt me, going along with whatever crazy thing I have to say. When I let my self-loathing show, she immediatly steps in to stop it. She reminds me of the things I could be and the things I want to be for her. She's my drive for a goal I know I will never accomplish. One day, maybe soon, I'll just drop off the face of the planet...maybe then she can finally leave me behind...

It makes me sad to have to say goodbye to the only love I've ever known, but it's the only way we can both gain closure. I can't look at her without looking at every mistake I have ever made. I keep thinking of every time I've ever made her cry...every time I've ever made her sad, angry, lonely...

The most sobering moment was when I watched her cry for the first time. She held my hand while I tried my hardest to find the words, unable to talk.

"Does that mean I could have been anyone..."

Watching her eyes tear up the way they did made me want to drop to my knees, wanting everything to just go away. I wanted those tears to go away and that smile of hers that I've adored since the moment I met her, that smile that has held me together, made me think that just for a moment, I could be happy too, to come back to her face, lighting it up in a way that I never could understand.

Somewhere in those tear filled eyes, I can see her disappointment in me. It tears me apart, but I know I deserve it. It burns into the back of my mind and when I think of those eyes now, I break down. That smile of her's does nothing for me anymore. It only reminds me of the anger and frustration I had made her feel.

And maybe when she's finally gone, I can see how to be the person I never could be for her.

Disclaimers: I own nothing