Title: It Only Hurts When I'm Sober
Author: snarkysweetness
Rating: R
Pairing: Emma/August (Brief Appearance by Rapunzel)
Summary: August slips off the wagon and Emma is there to pick up the pieces.
Warnings: Alcoholism, minor violence, swearing, and tons of August self-loathing angst.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Notes: In my headcanon August spent most of his adult life wasted on either the drink or some kind of drug and sobered up for Emma before he came to find her in Storybrooke and stayed sober because of her. I'm also calling it now: Jefferson own The Rabbit Hole. If you're going 'the what' don't worry about it, spoilers are not your friend.
Amber liquid sloshes within his glass as he swirls it, his mind foggy, trying to gather his bearings. After a long moment of contemplation he tosses back the rest of his chosen poison back before slamming his glass down.
"Another?"
August raises his head to greet fucking Goldilocks or Alice or whoever the Hell she's supposed to be, opening his mouth to respond when a familiar voice cuts him off.
"No, Rapunzel, he won't be having any others and if The Rabbit Hole plans on keeping its doors open, the next time Mr. Booth here finds himself in need of a drink you'll be calling the Sheriff's station, got it?"
Rapunzel gives the Princess a small nod.
"Of course, Your Highness."
Emma watches as the blond walks away before turning her attention towards her wayward lover.
August averts her gaze, wishing he had another drink.
"I thought you hated that royal bullshit?"
"Not when it means making sure you're not off getting wasted somewhere. Jefferson called me to tell me you were stashed away in his establishment, depleting his stock. "
He scoffs. Of course Jefferson would call her, not that he was surprised; Jefferson would find any excuse to chat up Emma, because kidnapping and drugging a woman was the way to win her heart.
August should have killed him when he had the chance.
"Right, our old friend, Jefferson, tell me, have the two of you been playing any bondage games la-"
Emma hits him, hard, right across the face.
August reaches up to touch his cheek and grimaces.
"Okay, I had that coming."
He has the tendency to be kind of an asshole when he's on a bender. The jealousy doesn't exactly help.
"You think?"
August watches as she throws down money for his drinks and heads out of the bar, not bothering to look back. He knows her better than to think she's abandoned him in anger; in fact, he knows that if he doesn't promptly follow another slap across the face will be the least of his troubles.
With some effort he manages to get off of his barstool without breaking anything and grabs his jacket, following Emma outside, the cold air striking him like knives.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"
"So, what in the Hell is this all about?"
Emma cuts him off angrily and August turns to find her standing near the corner, pissed off. Not that he blames her; she has every right to be. Hell, he's surprised she's still speaking to him. He takes a small step towards her and stumbles, falling back towards the wall of the bar, holding it to keep himself upright.
She gives him a disgusted look but beneath it he can see her pity and it eats at him.
"You know what this is about."
Emma scoffs, shaking her head.
"August-"
She sighs and steps toward him, reaching out to touch his tender cheek.
"Does it hurt?"
"A little bit."
She smiles.
"Good."
Emma leans in to kiss him but August turns away. He doesn't deserve her kisses or anything from her, really. His guilt eats away at him. It had been bad before but now? Every day it gets worse. He hates himself and it doesn't matter how many times she claims that she's forgiven him, it didn't change the fact that he abandoned her once, when she'd needed him most, what was to stop him from doing it again? Now, when it mattered most?
"August."
Emma's voice is gentle. She places both hands on his face, turning it so that he can't avoid looking at her anymore.
"How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not mad at you. I was at first, but not for that, just because…I didn't want to believe any of it, but I wasn't really angry with you. When are you going to stop punishing yourself?"
"Maybe you don't hate me but your mother? Your father? Hell, my father? I see the way they look at me. I left you alone in this world and I didn't come back until it was too late. They should hate me. You should hate me. I hate me."
No, the Charmings hadn't blamed him for coming to their world with their daughter, but he knows they blame him for the lonely life she'd lived. Painful life was more like it. She'd grown up thinking they'd abandoned her, being bounced around to different foster homes, fighting neglect and abuse, before finally winding up pregnant and alone with Henry because he'd failed her.
He should have stayed trapped in his wooden prison, he deserved nothing less. Instead one kiss from his True Love had brought him back and her acceptance of his actions fed his self-loathing. If she could hate him maybe it would make all of this easier but Emma loved him too much for that and that fact killed him, because he didn't deserve that kind of love.
He doesn't deserve her.
"They don't hate you, August, and even if they did? It doesn't matter to me. Or to Henry. We love you."
The mention of Henry sobers him up a bit.
Fuck…
Emma knows how to read him and she nods, crossing her arms.
"Yeah…what were you planning to tell our kid when you showed up at home in the middle of the night, wasted?"
August hasn't had a drink in well over a year, not since his leg, not since he made the decision to find Emma. It had been hard, at first, but the second he found her, it was like someone had turned the light on and he found himself not needing a drink to get through the day. So for Emma and Henry, his slipping completely off the wagon was a big deal.
"I didn't-"
"Think? Yeah, I figured that out."
That look on her face, the disappointment, did it for him. August's eyes fill with tears and he somehow manages to despise himself even more than before.
"Emma, I'm…I just couldn't take it anymore! It's bad enough everyone in this town knows you're wasting your time with me, but now this-"
She pulls him into her chest and rubs his back, whispering soothing words to him. August knows he doesn't deserve her comfort but he hugs her back anyway, burying his face in her chest.
"Screw the town. Screw everyone.
Baby, you have to stop blaming yourself. You were only a few months old, in a new world, terrified, and charged with protecting a baby! Older and wiser people would have bailed; it's not your fault. It was unfair to ask all of that of you, you need to accept that."
It was true that while he had occupied the body of a normal seven-year old he'd only been alive a few short months when he'd been sent through the cupboard with Emma, but it didn't excuse his behavior. He should have known better.
"And what was my excuse for the following twenty-eight years? I never came back for you. I spent my life lost in booze and drugs, trying to avoid the thought of you and my father. I only came back when I couldn't avoid the memory of you anymore."
"You came back when it mattered."
Emma pulls away from him, holding his face in her hands. She presses a kiss to his forehead before pulling away to meet his eyes.
"You're my own personal lost boy, August. It doesn't matter how long it took you to find your way, you eventually did, right to me. Everything you did after deciding to fix things was to help me. You've more than redeemed yourself and everyone can see it but you."
He wasn't sure if anyone but she and Henry saw things that way but she was right that he couldn't.
"Just because you think I've redeemed myself doesn't mean our kid needs to be subjected to having me as a father."
"Is that what this about? You go off on a two day bender because you can't handle the responsibility of bringing a kid into this world? I hate to break this to you, August, but it's a little too late to run away now."
Okay, he'd been wrong before; this was a look of disgust.
"No, Emma!" The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them. "I don't deserve it! Don't you get it? I don't deserve any of this! You, Henry, this kid, none of it! Your life was shit because I left you! Why should I be allowed to have a happy fucking ending when I didn't do anything to deserve it?"
And there it was; the fear and guilt that had been eating away at him for days, pushing him right over the edge and head first into the first bottle he could find.
"Let me tell you about what you deserve, hey! Look at me, dammit!"
August stops trying to look anywhere but at her, he knows better than to piss her off when she uses that tone of voice.
"I love you. Henry loves you. And our kid, she's going to love you too.
You're a wonderful man, August. You're kind, respectful, compassionate, and you'd do anything for your family. I know you think that you ruined my life by leaving but deep down you know that it would have been crap even if you'd stayed. We would have ended up in different homes eventually and knowing about my parents and our world would have only made things worse for me. I don't see how anything would have been different."
"If I'd stayed I could have been Henry's father instead of that bast-"
"Maybe," she says, cutting him off. "Or maybe not. And if not then do you really think we would have ended up together? Things happened the way they were supposed to and I've spent enough of my life contemplating the 'what ifs' and it was a waste of time.
We're both finally in a place in our lives where things are good. We have our parents, Henry, we're happy. Don't dwell on the bad shit that's in the past and let it ruin our future, that's what Regina's for.
Plus, we need you. All of us. I can't do this without you. I barely know what I'm doing with Henry half the time and I had to do all of this alone last time and I can't go through that again. So I need you to pull it together, August. I didn't make this baby by myself, after all."
August isn't used to seeing her so vulnerable and it's the look in her eyes that begins to chip away at his doubts.
"What if I'm a bad father?"
"You're the best father," she whispers. "He may not be biologically yours but you're already Henry's father and you're going to be great with the new kid, trust me, I'm the Princess, and I'm never wrong."
She leans in to kiss him and this time he doesn't pull away. He knows he smells like a distillery but he wraps his arms around her anyway, returning the kiss. When they break apart he moves one hand down, covering her belly.
"You really think I won't fuck this up?"
Emma nods, smiling.
"I know you won't."
"So…maybe I should…make the most of this second chance?"
"Maybe. Maybe we also should get you into a shower and sobered up a bit."
August leans down and kisses her again.
"Yeah, maybe."
Emma takes his hand and leads him towards her bug.
"I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, aren't I?"
"Yup."
August smirks.
"Thought so."