A/N: I've been working on this story off and on for about a year and I think I'm finally happy with it. It takes place several months after Aramis has shown up on Treville's doorstep, which was in December of 2011. This takes place in November/December 2012. He's been in steady counseling for a couple months and has been living with Athos and Porthos at Athos' place. Tim is 7, Ben, 5, and Meg less than a year old. There's no d'Artagnan in this story (he's still in college and only Aramis has met him). The story is complete and I'll be posting Wednesdays and Saturdays, with the final posting on Christmas Eve. In my mind, the story is a Christmas story even though it doesn't directly deal with Christmas. I hope you all enjoy.
Aramis has been allowed back at the Treville's for a few weeks now. It wasn't Treville or Sarah who prohibited him from coming over, but himself. Still, these last weeks, he's stuck to being there when Sarah or Treville was around so there was back up if something happened. Every time he looks at, thinks about Tim and Ben he thinks of nothing but their terrified faces in the days that led up to him leaving. Treville and Sarah understood his need to leave. Ben hadn't and still doesn't quite. But he's happy to have Aramis back. The now-five-year-old easily forgives. Not so for seven-year-old Tim, who's always been more distant and fearful of Aramis. Aramis hasn't pushed the kid. He doesn't want to force him. He can only imagine what it's like from the eyes of a small child to understand the moods of a person dealing with PTSD.
It's strange then, unexpected, when Tim asks him to be a chaperone to his first grade's field trip to the Christkindlmarket mid-December. Aramis hadn't expected to be looking after the kids today, but it's a rare snow day thanks to a combination of heavy snow and extreme cold. Still, the Musketeers never closed, so Treville had to report in and Sarah had to take Meg to a doctor's appointment. Aramis was the closest person available who was familiar and comfortable with the two kids.
"Dad's busy at work and mom's busy with Meg. You're the only grown up I know that's not busy," Tim explains. "If we don't have enough grown-ups then we can't go and I really want to go. Mom and Dad always say they're going to take us but something always happens."
Aramis imagines he was the something last year that stopped them from going. It's been years since Aramis went to the Market himself but remembers it was always quite enjoyable. He would hate for Tim to miss the experience again.
"Sure, just let me know when. I might be heading back to work next month, but I don't think it's full time yet," Aramis says. It's not until he signs the form saying he'll be a chaperone that he fully realizes what he's agreed to. He tries to go back to entertaining the kids instead of thinking about it. He's not entirely successful.
He intends to stay until Treville comes home, helping Sarah manage the three kids during the day. Aramis doesn't have a car and isn't driving right now, so he's stuck until someone can take him back home. He's forgotten about the field trip until Tim runs in the kitchen as they're getting lunch together to tell Sarah he got a chaperone. She takes the form and sends Tim back to play with Ben in the living room.
"Are you sure about this, Aramis," she asks, looking at the younger man who's steadfastly refusing to look up.
"I don't know," he says quietly after a pause.
"I know you've made a lot of progress in the last few months, but this is a lot."
"To be honest," he begins, finally looking up at her, "I wasn't really thinking. Then I guess I was kind of hoping that I wouldn't be allowed to and that might resolve it."
"Why wouldn't you be?"
"My past, my present, pick one." Aramis shrugs his shoulders. "I'm not family, so I got to thinking I might be barred from being a chaperone."
"Well, that is true. They don't allow non-family members unless they've been added by family members and Jean and I both added you as an emergency contact as well as pick-up person. In the school's eyes, you're approved for activities involving kids."
"Oh," Aramis says. That was a lot of trust to place in him and it makes his stomach uneasy.
"Now, of course, if you don't want to go, I can just tell Tim that you're not available."
Aramis thinks for a moment. "No," he pauses again. "No, I'll go. I don't want to disappoint him."
"Are you sure? Your health is more important. Tim won't be happy but he will understand."
"I know, I know." Aramis nods. "But I can't hide away for the rest of my life because of it. And how will I be a Musketeer if I can't go on a field trip?"
"How often will you directly encounter all of your triggers as a Musketeer," Sarah asks pointedly, voice calm.
"True, but I refuse to be held captive by them."
"You're not being held captive by them, as you say. You're dealing with them. But if you're sure."
"I am," Aramis says, trying to insert as much confidence into those two words as he can. He returns to making the sandwiches.
Sarah doesn't say anything more about the field trip as they finish getting lunch together. Aramis keeps Ben and Tim occupied, playing with Meg some, as well, when she's awake, giving Sarah a break.
After Treville comes home and after dinner, he drives Aramis home. Sarah must have spoken with Treville at some point during the day because the field trip is nearly the first thing he brings up on their drive.
"Tim will understand, Aramis," Treville says.
"I don't want to disappoint him." Aramis keeps his eyes out the window, watching the brightly lit houses as they pass through the dark streets.
"You don't have to do this to get him to like you. He's a child and doesn't yet understand what you're going through."
"That's not why I'm doing this." That sounds weak even to Aramis.
"Then why." Treville lets that one pass. Aramis isn't the sort to go to great lengths to get people's friendship, but he knows the younger man has a guilt streak a mile or more long.
"Like I told Sarah, I don't want to be beholden to these problems my entire life. How can I be a Musketeer, if I can't take some kids on a field trip?"
"Most days as a Musketeer you're not going to run into things that might trigger you," Treville counters. He knows it's the same argument Sarah gave Aramis but it's the truth.
"Sir," Aramis says, exasperation clear. Treville knows by the tone and formal address to drop it. Aramis has always been rather stubborn. They finish the drive in silence until Treville pulls up into Athos' driveway. Aramis and Porthos have been living here since summer after being evicted from Porthos' apartment.
"Aramis," Treville says, voice serious before the young man opens the car door. "Do a test run, at least. Go with Athos and Porthos, see if you can handle it. If something happens when you're there with the kids, I worry about the effect it'll have on you."
"I'll talk with them about it," Aramis says, nodding. He thanks Treville for the ride and gets out to walk in the house. In the past, Athos and Porthos would've been waiting at the doorway for him, but he's gotten them to back off some. Instead, they're waiting as patiently as possible in the den.
"How were your days," he asks them before they can get a word out.
"Cold and slow," Athos answers with a grumble from the armchair. The building used by the Musketeers is an old brick building, Dearborn Station. It's been renovated a lot in the last few years, once it became clear the taskforce was sticking around, but it's still rather difficult to heat. In cold weather like today, it wouldn't be uncommon to wear a jacket and gloves inside. Athos and Porthos were well accustomed to layering, which helped a lot.
"If they got that heating thing sorted, fewer officers would be getting sick," Aramis says. He takes his usual seat on the couch, grabbing a blanket to wrap around himself. Since the massacre, he's been more sensitive to temperatures, especially extremes. Heat he wasn't surprised by, but the cold was an odd one. Athos and Porthos kept telling him to adjust the thermostat, but he refused because it was just him. He didn't want to make them uncomfortable by turning the temperature up or down too much.
"I think it's Richelieu's way of trying to put an end to us," Porthos says, smiling. He's on the other side of the couch, TV remote in hand. He's put the TV on mute until they're done talking with Aramis. The man in question sits in between them.
"Don't think you guys are going anywhere anytime soon."
Porthos wants to correct Aramis to include himself in that, but he stops himself. Aramis worked some two months before being put on administrative leave. Even those two months weren't steady as he often missed days or went home early as a result of his illnesses. It's no surprise that he doesn't count himself a part of the Musketeers, yet. If he gets the all-clear from his physiatrist, though, he'll be back for part-time, probationary duties sometime in December.
"How was your day with Tim and Ben," Porthos asks, instead.
"Good," Aramis says quickly.
Porthos and Athos give each other a quick look. They may have known Aramis for just under a year, but it's been a hard year and they've had a crash course in Aramis-speak. Speaking that quickly means something happened, but pushing won't get them anywhere.
"How was Meg's appointment? Did Sarah say anything about it," Athos asks.
"I think it went fine. Sarah didn't say much about it. It was just a routine appointment. Meg is quite active though."
"She's crawling isn't she," Porthos asks, abandoning the remote in favor of more important things. "The Captain commented that she was getting into everything now that she was moving around."
"Yeah, she's crawling and quite curious. Ben and Tim and I kept her busy while Sarah got caught up on housework and took a few hours to herself. Those boys really enjoy having Meg around. I know they're going to like her even more when she's fully mobile."
"That's good." Athos nods. "How is Ben doing?" He and Porthos knew how upset the young boy was when Aramis left. He'd become quite attached to Aramis. Treville told them Ben asked daily how Aramis was doing, worried that the man might start feeling too lonely again.
"He was rather upset he couldn't go outside, but we built a fort in the morning and he seemed happier about that."
"Sarah can't have been happy to see that when she came home," Porthos says.
"I think she expected it with me looking after the kids. We did take it down before I left," Aramis says.
"And how was Tim?" A couple of years older than Ben, Tim knew it wasn't a case of loneliness afflicting Aramis. They'd each taken time to explain it to the older boy, but it still hadn't made much sense. It left Tim seeing Aramis more as a potentially dangerous stranger than someone dealing with issues beyond their control.
"He was good," Aramis says quickly again. And then Athos and Porthos pinpointed the problem.
"He had a good time playing," Porthos asks.
"Yeah. He was a bit hesitant at first, but he soon got busy playing and forgot about things. I think the last couple weeks have helped." Aramis plays with a stray thread on the blanket.
"That's good," Athos says. "You ate there, I'm guessing. Treville said he was going to try to get you to stay."
"Yeah. They tried to get me to stay the night, but I told them I'm better off here." There's nothing Aramis has against staying at the Treville's overnight, but he's found that familiar surroundings are best when he wakes from nightmares. And, if he's really bad off, he has Porthos and Athos who either offer a part of their bed or sleep on the other half of his. Sarah and Treville know this, but they wouldn't be good friends if they didn't at least offer. He appreciates it anyway.
The room descends into silence for a moment. Then Athos speaks because he is the only one Aramis will accept this question from.
"What happened with Tim, 'Mis?"
"Nothing." The answer is quick with an edge of panic.
"Please, 'Mis, tell us what happened," Porthos says. He's not angry and he's careful to keep his voice steady. When it comes to issues surrounding his PTSD and other illness, Aramis has always responded better and connected more with Athos. In many ways, Aramis is closer and more comfortable with Athos than he is with Porthos. On the whole, Porthos is okay with that because Aramis will at least confide in one of them but he won't deny that it hurts when Aramis seeks out Athos instead of him.
"It's nothing," Aramis says, looking down at the blanket. "Just a simple field trip. A simple field trip." He sounds like he's more trying to convince himself.
"Where to," Athos asks.
"The Christkindlmarket."
It's a testament to his awareness of what will set Aramis off that Porthos doesn't say what first comes to mind, that Aramis can't go. He doesn't know how Aramis got roped into going, but concern for Aramis' well-being is the first thing on his mind. The Christkindlmarket is nearly always packed, with long lines everywhere and people milling about in large groups. Aramis still has problems going shopping with them. They were finally able to go out last weekend thanks to Athos knowing the manager of a nearby store. He let them in early, keeping the store closed for much of their shopping trip. Still, Aramis had some rough moments.
And then the kids.
Aramis can't go. Porthos is convinced that no matter how much progress the younger man has made in coping with his illnesses, there is no way he's ready to look after the safety of kids.
What was Aramis thinking in agreeing?
Porthos glances at Athos, the concerned look on his face telling him that Athos is thinking on the same lines.
"Treville thinks I should go on a trial run," Aramis says, still playing with the blanket.
"That would probably be a good idea," Athos says, starting to look through his calendar on his phone. He's not sure when they'll find the time, but he and Porthos will definitely accompany Aramis on this trial run. He would like to think that the young man is ready for such an adventure, but he's seen the progress he's made and knows that it's not enough. It is only recently that he's allowed himself back around Treville's kids, despite not being banned from seeing them by anyone but himself. Aramis never has said why, but Athos knows it's not related to the massacre itself. More likely, it's the severity of his PTSD back in April. It got worse and more erratic after the birth of Meg.
And today's morning alone with Tim and Ben had sparked a short panic in Aramis when Sarah called to see if he was able to look after them. They, fortunately, were there to help him through it, but Athos had had more than a few worries when he dropped Aramis off at the Trevilles this morning.
"We'll go with you," Porthos says.
"There's no time," Aramis says. "You two are busy clear up to the 13th when the field trip takes place."
"We'll make the time, 'Mis."
"I don't want you two to have to take any time off of work."
"For you, we'd gladly take time off," Athos says. "But I don't think that'll be the case. How about we go next Saturday?" That was the day he thought they'd get the tree out and start decorating but it could easily be put off. If things go bad, a week and a half should be enough time to notify the school and hopefully find someone different.
"Saturday?" Aramis' voice rises, worry clear. "That's going to be a busy day, isn't it?"
"Yes," Porthos says. "But if you're going to be a chaperone, you have to handle the crowds without a problem." He's not trying to frighten Aramis into not going but he needs to know what to expect both with the crowds and himself.
"I know, but…"
"You don't have to do this, 'Mis. Tim will understand. It's not worth it for your health."
"Yes, I do have to do this, Porthos." Aramis throws the blanket aside, standing so that he can pace the length of the den. Porthos and Athos have seen him like this and know that he just needs to work it out without interference. "I have to do this. Don't you see that? I have to try, at the very least. What kind of Musketeer will I be if I can't take crowds? Kids? Strangers? I have to know." As he spoke, his pacing was quick and angry, but now he stands in front of them, voice low. "I have to know if I can be a Musketeer."
"Do not think that whether you can or can't take a group of first graders on a field trip determines your ability to be a Musketeer," Athos says, working to keep his voice even. He's not angry at Aramis but frustrated by his logic. "Treville may be an old friend of yours, but he wouldn't offer you a spot if he didn't think you capable. You may not be next month, but you will be. It takes time to recover from PTSD and depression."
"I know." Aramis nods. "But I still want to see if I can. I want to know."
"I understand that need," Porthos says. "Let's go next Saturday then. Find out how things go."
"Thanks."
"We're here to help you how we can, Aramis. Sometimes you just have to tell us what you need," Athos says. Aramis nods.
"You ready to sit back down and catch up on TV from the week," Porthos asks.
Aramis nods and resumes his seat on the couch. Porthos turns the volume back on as they settle in to watch TV. He notices that Aramis is less tense now. There's still some worry he can see in the younger man's shoulders and face.
"Don't think about it, 'Mis." He stretches an arm over to rub Aramis' shoulder gently. "It's not for another week. Focus on the here and now."
Aramis nods and Porthos sees him trying to make more of an effort to calm down. Aramis knows that there's little point in worrying about it now and two years ago, he wouldn't have. But that Aramis isn't him anymore. Part of what his therapist has been working with him on is accepting the new version of himself. It hasn't been easy. He hasn't fully accepted the new Aramis, but he's working on it.