This Is Not The World
Rick had been looking for Michonne for at least three hours and no one had seen her. She wasn't at home. Not on watch. Not working on any of the many projects she had started from Deanna's plans. The fact that she could take care of herself helped him not to worry about her, but this was not normal. Someone would have seen her or maybe she would have left word where she had gone. He went by the brownstone on his way back home thinking that maybe he had just missed her. Now that Negan was in charge, it was easier for them to move about outside the walls, but still, Michonne would have left word somehow.
She seemed a little preoccupied this morning, he recalled, and she barely said five words to him. It finally dawned on him where she might be.
Over a period of time, the group noticed a pocket of walkers that always accumulated near an abandoned house half a mile away from Alexandria just past the bridge. He took a car and drove close to where he was hoping she would be and got out of the car. Getting off the road and walking into the woods, he saw her. She was surrounded by walkers, cutting them down like a hot knife through butter. She was covered in blood and screaming at the walkers. He slowly approached where she was, making sure he was not spotted by any walkers himself. He knew she was not trying to get killed, but she was out here for a different reason.
"I know you're here Rick. Go back home."
It startled him that she spoke to him, but he was not surprised. Michonne was a first rate warrior and always aware of her surroundings.
"I couldn't find you. What are you doing out here?"
She didn't answer and continued to kill walkers. He was getting concerned about her state of mind. All of them were affected by what has happened to them over the past couple of years. So far, Michonne had been the one least affected, but this was a small indication that she may have been keeping everything inside.
"Michonne."
Still she did not answer or acknowledge him further. Rick's patience at this point was thin after searching for her and finally finding her. Against his practice of only using his side arm as a last resort, he pulled his weapon and killed the last of the walkers in front of her. He quickly walked over to her before any more walkers appeared.
"I told you to go back home."
"Not without you. What's wrong?" He asked gently.
She looked at him breathing hard from swinging her sword. She was exhausted and barely standing. There was a heartbreaking look in her eyes that he didn't understand.
"You need to talk to me, either here or at home. Please come with me before any more walkers come. You're in no shape to fight any more of them."
She finally conceded and followed him back to the car. He felt an ache in his chest that would not go away. For a moment he thought that maybe he was losing her; that she no longer wanted to be with him.
She got in the car and said nothing. When they drove through the gate at Alexandria, she got out of the car and walked toward their house without waiting for him. Aaron walked over to Rick who saw Michonne get out of the car covered in blood.
"Is she alright?"
"No. None of us are really."
Aaron nodded in agreement.
Rick walked up the street to their house. When he walked in the door he heard the downstairs shower going. He went in downstairs bedroom where she was and sat on the bed and waited for her.
"Dad?"
He heard Carl come in the house.
"In here."
Carl walked to the bedroom door.
"Take Judith to the brownstone. I'll come get you later."
"Okay." Carl said leaving.
Michonne stepped out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel with her locks dripping wet. She was not expecting to see Rick waiting for her.
"What do you expect me to do?"
"Exactly what you're doing."
"What is it Michonne?"
"I'm tired." She said plainly.
"I wouldn't wonder after all those walkers you killed."
"No Rick. I'm tired." She said pointedly.
He was afraid to ask her what she meant. Although he knew her very well, she still could surprise him so he waited for her to elaborate.
"I'm tired of everything. The fight, the constant struggle to survive."
"This is the world now." He said feeling the pain of her words.
"If this is the world then I'm done."
She dropped the towel and started getting dressed. Rick got up and walked out. He had never seen her like this. She was totally defeated. What brought this on?
After she got dressed, she sat down on the bed and cried. She needed that man she was hurting, but she was hurting more. For some reason she couldn't talk to him. It was never a problem before, but this she couldn't handle.
Rick went in the living room and paced the floor. He couldn't bear this change in her. He won't let her tear them apart. Not after all they had been through together. He walked back in her room just as she was wiping the tears from her eyes.
"Are you done with me then? With us?"
She stood up and walked over to him.
"This life is affecting me more than I thought it would. If it had not been for you, Carl and Judith, I would be mad by now."
She started to cry and he searched her eyes to see if he could figure her out.
"Please tell what's hurting you."
"You can't do anything about Rick. I really wish you could."
"You said you're done. What did you mean by that?" He said sounding angry. "Are you going to leave us and wander again? Are you going to end your life? What? I need to know because your decision is going to affect me and our kids, and I need to know how I'm going to tell them that you're a coward after all."
She looked up at him feeling as if he had slapped her, but she understood. He was hurting and he wasn't expecting this, neither was she.
"I've been trying to get pregnant."
Rick's eyebrows lifted. He wasn't quite sure what to say. This was not what he was thinking at all. They had talked about having children. They decided the time would be up to her. Apparently, this was the time.
"I've been trying for months now. The stress of the constant danger and everything that's happened. I thought when we came here, the world was settling down and becoming stable enough for our family, but this is not the world I had in mind. The world we're in now is run by an unstable dictator." She was starting to cry. "He's ruined all my hopes and my dreams for us."
He approached her to hold her. She gently pulled away and slowly shook her head.
"Since when do you let some bully who doesn't play well with others make you turn tail and run? He's no different than the others, and there may be still others."
He moved away from her since she would not let him hold her.
"You need me."
She stopped shaking her head and looked up at him.
"Do you remember telling me that once?"
She nodded slowly.
"I did need you. Not to just help get Glenn and Maggie out of Woodbury, but I needed you for me. You never needed me until now. Don't shut me out Michonne. That's not how to handle this."
She stepped forward with her arms folded, and leaned her head on his chest, and he put his arms around her.
"I wish I could tell you that things will get better soon, but you know I don't believe it will happen in our lifetime. That's no reason for you to give up. I'm not giving up. That ass has tried to destroy me by killing members of my family. He's not going to get away with that. I can't let him break me. I have to be here for you, and everyone else. Let's not lose hope now. There is a reason you're not getting pregnant. Unfortunately, we have no way of finding out why."
"What can we do?"
"Find a way to deal with the stress and keep trying."
He held her tightly and kissed her head.
"It might not be you that can't get pregnant. The problem may be with me."
She looked up at him and frowned. He shrugged his shoulders.
"We have no way of knowing for sure, so there's no reason to stress over it. We'll just keep trying with getting pregnant in mind."
"That sounds ridiculous." She said smiling sadly.
"It did, but you know what I mean."
"Yes." She said smiling without the sadness. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"Loving me like you do, and not jumping off the cliff with me."
"You do the same for me." He said smiling. "Speaking of trying, I've sent Carl and Judith to the brownstone for a while."