Attack on Sex Ed

So obviously I don't own Attack on Titan.

This is my first Attack on Titan fan fic, and it's a one shot comedy that was requested, or rather jointly thought up with one of my friends. Anyhow, this is for Gina, who loves anything and everything Levi.

Eren stood on the top of Wall Rose watching Mikasa work. She was efficient and focused, no matter if she was only unpacking ammunition from a box. Eren's own work lay forgotten as he watched her slim form bend at the waist, reaching for the last of the ammunition at the bottom of the box giving him a nice view of her rear. He snapped himself out of staring as she turned around. He pretended to be busy, when it was obvious that he hadn't been working.

"Eren, do I still have to pick up your slack? We're adults, I'd have thought you'd learn by now." Mikasa brushed past him and he was too distracted to respond, especially when her hand brushed his.

"Eren?" Armin's high voice broke Eren's trance and he shook his head.

"What Armin?"

"You've been staring at Mikasa for five minutes and it's starting to make me uncomfortable."

"Ah, yeah, I need to go talk to Hanji." Eren turned on his heel, walked to the edge, and jumped off using his 3DMG to get down from the wall.

"But Eren the ammo!" Armin yelled before Eren's head disappeared but there was no response. Eren was already distracted again, and almost plowed straight into the ground. He ran to headquarters where he knew it was about time for the officers to be taking a break. He thought and rethought of how to ask Hanji his awkward question, but by the time he reached headquarters and found the officers break room, he had nothing.

Eren plowed through the door, not realizing how hard he had pushed and the door smacked into someone.

"Oof, ow. Dammit Eren, you're not even supposed to be here!" Hanji rubbed her forehead where a red spot had appeared.

"I'm sorry Hanji I really needed to talk to you about…something." He trailed off, his eyes drifting out the window to stare at the wall.

"Did you see some new titans? An abnormal? What is it?" Hanji fired off questions as Eren raised his hands in protest.

"No, nothing like that."

"Oh." Her disappointment was obvious.

"But it is…I believe it is scientific, but I don't know how to ask. Agh!" Eren's frustration got the better of him and Hanji leaned away, her eyes wide. What could possibly be scientific that made him angry?

"It's about Mikasa." That's as far as he got before his face turned red.

"Mikasa? What about-" Hanji stopped when she saw his face and started laughing. She covered her mouth in an attempt to stop the sounds, but the sound escaped in bursts when she uncovered her mouth to gasp for air.

"I-I can't- Levi!" Hanji squeaked out between bursts of laughter. Levi had been studiously ignoring them both until this point and had not heard any of the conversation.

"What is it Hanji?" He looked between Eren's red, embarrassed, and angry face to Hanji's red and laughing face.

"Never mind. What is it Eren? Shouldn't you be on the wall?"

"Yes sir, but I-" Eren stopped to gather his courage. "I have a question about Mikasa."

"What about her?" Levi knew where Eren was going, but he didn't have to make it easy.

"I- I find her attractive sir." Eren balled his hands into fists at his side, his face turning a deeper shade of red.

Levi did not relent. "And?"

"And I don't know how…things…work." Eren pressed his lips together, hoping Levi would relent. He did not.

"Things. You'll have to be more specific." He calmly sipped his tea as Eren boiled and Hanji's shoulders shook harder with barely contained laughter.

"How things between a man and woman work. How they…have sex." Eren squeezed his eyes shut and waited for another sarcastic question.

"Ah, you should've asked in the first place." Levi put his tea down and leaned back, folding his legs leisurely.

"I'm surprised they didn't teach you this in training since you were often in close proximity to many women."

"They didn't." Eren said through gritted teeth, the redness in his face creeping to his neck and ears.

"Well, I suppose since Hanji is indisposed I'll have to teach you." Levi glanced at Hanji who had curled up on the floor, still laughing.

"You obviously already know about attraction. Do you know how babies are made and brought into this world?"

Eren's eyes widen. "No," he cleared his throat. "May I sit down?"

"Yes," Levi flicked a wrist at the seat across from him and Eren sat down gingerly. Hanji drug herself from the floor into a chair and laid her head on her arms, shoulders still shaking.

"So the purely biological way to describe this is that a man and woman find each other attractive they usually start by kissing and undressing," here Levi took a sip of tea and cleared his throat before continuing, "They take off their clothes and the man, well, he…Hanji why don't you take over?"

"Lost your nerve have you?" Hanji chuckled, barely breathing. "So, where did you leave off?" Levi makes a motion with his finger. As Hanji realized where he left her she glared.

"Coward." She turned to Eren who continued to sit silently in confusion and embarrassment. "So a man's penis gets aroused and he puts his penis in the woman and they have sex. If the man ejaculates into the woman it is very likely that they will have a child." She slid another glare over at Levi before asking, "Does that answer your question?"

"Yes, mostly?" Eren shifted uncomfortably in his seat, but Hanji waited patiently.

"I've never seen…a woman. Where does the man put it?"

"Ah, I see. So, on a woman there are three holes: the one in the front is the urethra for peeing, the second is the vagina, and that is where the man's penis goes and where the baby comes out, and the third is the anus where solid waste comes out. Is that sufficient?"

"Yes Major, I understand now." Eren pushed out of his chair and saluted them, his face no less red than before.

Levi sighed, "Good, now don't abuse this knowledge. If Mikasa were to become pregnant we would lose a valuable soldier and only you would be to blame." Eren froze, anything he was about to say stuck in his throat.

"Ah, Levi, don't be too hard on him! He's just a kid!" Hanji jumped up and threw an arm around Eren's shoulders. Levi just took another sip of tea and flicked his wrist as a dismissal. Eren wasted no time escaping from the room, but Hanji followed hot on his heels, asking questions and making observations.

Eren sighed, regretting even asking her for advice.