April sat in her old bedroom at Meredith's house. It was unsettling being back here. She took a deep breath. There were painful memories all over this room. Moving into this room after losing Reed. God, she missed Reed. It seemed as if she couldn't escape the pain these days. Long gone were her carefree days where her biggest concern was whether her new peers would accept her. She almost chuckles to herself when she realizes her peers probably accept her more than ever now as she probably doesn't talk enough anymore to be deemed "annoying."
She looks around the room and thinks about the nights where she cried herself to sleep missing her best friend. Her heart races as she remembers the nights where Jackson would come into her room and they would grieve both Reed and Percy. He would even fall asleep some nights. While it seemed strictly platonic at the time, April knows she had deep feelings for him even then.
April lets a few teardrops fall as she feels the pain of the destruction she has caused in her marriage. She stares at her wedding ring. While her and Jackson were in a tough spot, she prayed they would make it. She truly didn't mean to hurt Jackson the past year. To be honest, she felt as if she had been having an out of body experience since her son died. She was aware that Jackson wanted her home, but there was something that kept her in Jordan.
April has replayed Jackson's word in mind over and over. If you go, I won't be waiting when you get back. The words were like a knife in her heart. She didn't want to lose Jackson...She couldn't lose Jackson. After sobbing next to Arizona for hours after Webber and Catherine's wedding, April went back home. She couldn't lose him. She just couldn't.
Jackson sat on the couch with some whiskey. He was staring in the direction of the tv, but the screen was black. He drank a bit too much at the wedding, and he was tired from plastering a smile on his face for his mom's sake. In some moments, he felt a bit relieved that he finally told April how he felt. Almost relieved that he might not have to constantly think about ways he could get through to her in her robotic state.
Although, the momentary relief was followed by his heart breaking. The ultimatum just came out. He stood by it, but he was used to be April's protector and it did hurt to see it cause her pain. That thought almost made him laugh to himself when he thought about how her absence of over a year affected him.
He had cried and drank and cried and drank. Before losing Samuel, Jackson couldn't remember the last time he cried. It was probably when Percy died. He still thought of Percy often and missed him. However, the pain of losing Samuel was unexplainable. He missed his little boy with every fiber in his being.
He missed April. Jackson missed that light. It hurt knowing he couldn't relight it. Unfortunately for him, apparently only freaking war could relight it. Jackson just knew he couldn't spend another year laying in bed night after night praying to a God he didn't believe in that she was still alive.
All he knew was that he couldn't do it again. He took another drink of whiskey in hopes of numbing the pain.
He looked at the clock. 10:40 PM. Apparently, she wasn't coming home. Jackson didn't know why he wasn't surprised.
Jackson was about to get off the couch when he heard the front door unlock. His heart raced.
"Hey" April said simply walking into the living room.
Jackson looked at her puffy eyes. "Hey" he said awkwardly back.
They both just stared at each other in silence for a minute. Both unsure of what to say. Jackson finally chose to path to self-preservation. "So, when are you leaving?" It came out a bit more bitterly than he intended. The alcohol didn't help.
Another tear fell down April's face. "Jackson. I'm not going. I can't go...I" April said as more and more teams streamed down her face.
Jackson's heart skipped a beat. "April, I don't want you to stay if you don't want to. I don't want you to be miserable and to stay here. It's become clear that I don't make you happy anymore." Jackson was shocked he was being so open. He didn't have much to lose he thought to himself.
April shook her head and sat down by Jackson. She took his hands in hers, which he resisted a bit initially. After a few seconds, it felt like the most natural thing in the world holding her hands. "Jackson. I love you more than you'll ever know…"
"April. I love you too, but apparently it's not enough. I can't do this anymore. Us tip-toeing around each other.." Jackson's anger eased a bit, and was just replaced with sadness. A type of sadness that could swallow him up whole.
"Jackson. Please let me say what I want to say" April said a bit more sternly than she intended. "Okay. I'm sorry that I haven't been a good wife for the past year. I'm sorry, okay? You're everything to me. You'll never know how sorry I am. You can't give up on me. You can't give up on us! If we give up, what was the point of anything?"
Jackson felt his anger come back. "I didn't give up. It was a freaking long year, April. I tried to get to you come back. I wanted you to come back. I was the one who had to walk back his room every single day. At the hospital, I had to walk past the room where he died" Jackson kept going. Year's worth of anger coming out. He wasn't even sure if he was making sense at this point. He just wanted April to know he wasn't the one to give up on them.
"Jackson. I know. I know. I know that i hurt you. I'm apologizing for hurting you. Although, why didn't you express how hurt you were sooner? I've been back for nearly three months and you didn't say anything about this!" April wasn't expecting to get mad. She knew she was in the wrong, but she also knew she didn't have to be blindsided by him.
"April. It's because you have barely spoken to me in the past three months! Then, today, you actually seemed happy for once. I saw the light back in your eyes, but then it led to you wanting to leave me again. I don't know how to win with you anymore."
Tears started falling again, and April grew silent. "Again, I'm sorry. All I know is that I want you in my life. If we don't try to work this out, what was the point of San Francisco, you stopping my wedding, working through our different looks on religion" Her heart raced.
Jackson felt like he could see their lives running in his mind in images. He remembered their first time together in San Francisco. Watching her about to get married to another man. The wrong man. So many memories.
"Jackson. I know I haven't said it enough recently. I love you. You've been my best friend for so long. I gave you my virginity. We made a perfect little baby boy. You're everything to me" April said simply.
Jackson gazed at her with such an intense stare that it made her skin feel like it was on fire. "I love you" she repeated. "I love everything about you." Her words brought them back to her other wedding.
After what felt like an eternity, April couldn't stop herself from pressing her lips into his and he couldn't resist. He didn't want to resist. All of their emotions and love poured into this moment. No more words were spoken. Before they knew it, clothes were coming off. The lovemaking was fast, but tender. They needed each other in those moments like they needed air.
Afterwards, they just laid on the couch for awhile. Both nervous to speak. So many thoughts running through their minds. April finally spoke, "Jackson. We are going to be alright. Maybe we can try therapy or something. All I know is that I want us to get back to where we were"
Jackson didn't want to be feel hopeful, but he let out a hint of a smile. "Okay. I want that too. It's just going to take some time"
"Yeah, it will. Jackson. I think I should stay with Arizona for awhile" April started to say.
Jackson looked confused. "What? Why?"
April held his face in her arms. "As you said, things need to change. I just think we should take a little time apart. So that we can work out things"
"How would that help us?"
"Because clearly what we have been doing isn't working. I think it's great we opened us this line of communication, but we can't just have a bandaid fix our issues. I think we should just try to start fresh. I'll look for a couples therapist and we can work this out"
Jackson sighed. While the thought of living in the apartment alone again didn't seem appealing, he also knew they needed work and tip-toeing around each other at home wasn't conducive toward healing. "Okay," he said simply.
"Okay" she repeated with a hint of a smile.
April had packed a few bags, and driven herself to Arizona's house. Since Alex had moved in with Jo, Meredith and her three kids had moved in. It had been a few weeks with the Full House. April and Jackson were kinda at a stand still. They typically ate lunch together, but both were hesitant to bring up their issues. Instead, they focused their conversations to casual conversations about their days and medical news.
As April stared around her old room, she knew she had a lot left to fight for. She picked up an old picture she loved of her and Jackson from Mercy West. They were barely friends then, but their arms were happily around each other. They were so young and excited for their respective futures. While nothing could erase the pain, April knew they could be happy again.