Einherjar Envy

"Aghhhh! No! Gods!"

A piercing cry wailed out from Frederick's bedside. The great knight stood upright, at attention, and crawled out of his linens, his armor clanking as he did so. He walked over to the other side of the bed, where his wife was sleeping.

"Cordelia, my love! What appears to be the matter?" he asked, gently shaking the redhead awake. Her long hair was half tucked underneath the pillow, so when she shot upright, her hair got caught and yanked her head back downwards.

"Ow!" Cordelia whined. "Frederick, why did you wake me?"

"You were screaming in your sleep, milady. You must have been in a nightmare."

Cordelia groaned and turned on her side. "Frederick, we've been wed for weeks now. You can call me on a first name basis, you know."

Frederick sighed. "You know I try, mil-Cordelia."

"Yes, I do. Now come back to bed and try to get some sleep."

Frederick began to walk around the bed and stopped when he got to his side of the sleeping area. He laid down on the covers, his metallic armor indenting the bed. His eyes remained open.

Cordelia groaned again. "I thought you were going to sleep."

Frederick pointed to the open window. "Look at the amount of daylight and listen to the birds' songs. It's almost time for me to get up and begin my training routine."

Cordelia rolled over to face her husband. "I see what you mean. I also see a very handsome man with a few minutes to spare." She grinned and began stroking his hand. Aside from his face, it was the only part of his body that wasn't covered in heavy armor.

Frederick's stoic façade cracked, and he let a smile envelope his face. "I do know you are perfect, Cordelia…"

The two began to kiss, their metallic chest plates clanking against each other as they engaged in weird, overly-armored love.

"Oh, Cordelia!" Frederick cried out.

"Oh, Chrom!" Cordelia shouted.

Frederick stopped his naughty motions and proceeded to stare at Cordelia.

"What? Why'd you stop?" she asked.

"You said 'Chrom,''" he informed her.

"O-Oh."

"Indeed."

They proceeded to lie in bed awkwardly, the mood ruined. Frederick broke the silence. "Do you still have feelings for him?"

Cordelia scoffed. "No, of course not. It was just a heat-of-the-moment thing; that's all. I love you, Frederick, truly and forever." She planted a kiss on his cheek.

He turned away, facing the wall. "I think I'll get started on my training regimen early today."

"No, Frederick! Don't be like that! Let's talk about-"

But the knight had already left their quarters.

Cordelia brushed the pillow aside and sat up, her hair still a mess. She looked over to her husband's bathing area.

He didn't shave. He never forgets to shave… she thought. This must be really bothering him… What can I do to apologize?

"Hah! Hyaah!"

Frederick's battle cries rang throughout the halls.

"Gods! Won't he shut up?" Chrom said, stuffing a pillow on each of his ears. "It's four in the morning, for Naga's sake!"

Sumia mumbled from under the covers. "He's usually not this loud."

"I wonder if he's alright?" Chrom asked.

"PICK A GOD AND PRAY!" the voice boomed from the hallway.

Sumia rolled on her side, facing Chrom. "Eh, he's landing critical hits. He's probably fine."

Chrom pursed his lips, thinking. "Perhaps. Still, I should probably go check on him. I wouldn't be much of a king if I didn't care for my vassals."

Sumia groaned. "But you said this day would be for special and just for the two of us! It's a weekend, Chrom! Don't worry about work."

Chrom turned onto the other side of the bed and tumbled out of bed. He stretched his arms above his head. "I'm sorry, Sumia, but I have a duty to the citizens of Ylisse before my friends."

She sat up in bed, glaring at him, death in her eyes. "Friends?" she shrieked. "You think we're only friends?"

The Ylissean king grimaced. "Uh-oh."

"Do friends let you do THIS to them?" the queen said as she turned around, showing Chrom her neck, which was decorated with red bite marks.

"I-I… Sumia, I didn't mean…"

"Do friends let you touch these?" she screamed, ripping open her nightgown's top and exposing her breasts to the cool morning air.

Chrom frowned in response. "Wait, are you actually mad at me, or-"

He didn't get a chance to finish before Sumia dove at him, bombarding him with an assortment of kisses.

"Frederick," the king whispered as his wife cuddled him like a woman possessed, "I'm sorry I couldn't assist you..."

"Lucina, it's five in the morning! What are you doing up?"

"In the future, we did not have time to rest." She took a brush from the top of her dresser and began to stroke her hair with it.

"Yes, but we're in an alternate timeline now, one with no Grima. Can you please come back in bed with me?" Robin sighed. "I have trouble sleeping without you by my side."

"Ooh, let me help with that, father!" Morgan shouted, barging into the room. "You can cuddle me instead!" She jumped on the bed, next to Robin, and hugged him.

Lucina stopped brushing her hair and looked over at the young girl. Good thing I'm still in my nightgown, she thought. "Morgan, don't enter without knocking!"

Morgan squeezed her father harder.

"Help…me…" Robin mimed.

Lucina stopped brushing her hair and threw the brush at Morgan, who groaned in response.

"What was that for, Mother?"

Lucina frowned. "Your father mouthed to help him, so I did. Don't hug him so hard, dear."

Morgan looked at Robin, who was rolling his eyes good-naturedly.

"Mother does NOT get humor all that well, huh?" she whispered.

"I don't think she gets your humor, kiddo," Robin replied, shaking his head and grinning.

"I can hear you two, you know," Lucina said. She stopped brushing her hair and turned around. "And I will have you know that I do too get humor! I can be funny!"

Robin rolled his eyes. Morgan snorted. "Hah! Mother, I love you and all, but you're about as funny as Frederick."

Lucina turned to face the bed. "Frederick is funny."

Robin and Morgan stared.

"I-I'm sorry," Robin said. "What did you just say?"

"I think I need to clean out my ears," Morgan commented. "I'm not hearing things right. I'm gonna get some hot water."

She jumped out of the bed and ran out of the bedroom.

Lucina frowned. "All I said was that Frederick is funny."

Robin continued staring. "You think Frederick…is funny. Frederick."

"Yes."

To this day, there are still those that claim you can hear the echoes of a man cackling gleefully in amusement if you wander the Ylissean Castle halls.

"I'll show him to laugh at me! I'll prove to Robin how incredibly funny Frederick and I can be!" Lucina said, stomping through the Ylissean Castle halls. She pushed open the door to the training room.

"Princess L-Lucina!" Frederick huffed. The knight was glistening, drenched in sweat.

He had eviscerated all of the training dummies, and the beans used to fill them were spilled everywhere. The room and Frederick himself were both a mess.

"W-what are… How may I serve...you…" he managed to get out, before his feet slipped and he slammed onto the ground. His body lolled and he fell over, but not before the speedy princess managed to catch his head and gently set it on the ground.

"Will he be alright, Aunt Lissa?"

"Yeah, he'll be fine. He just overexerted himself," Lissa said, "…somehow."

Chrom shook his head. "I've known Frederick my entire life, and he's not one to physically exhaust himself. Usually, he manages to keep himself just below the levels of over-exhaustion."

"Perhaps he's sick?" Lucina asked.

Lissa shook her head. "Nope. He's the pinnacle of health. I think he just overworked his body."

"I'll call in Robin, see if he has any ideas," Chrom replied.

Lucina's eyes widened. "No, Father! You can't do that!"

Chrom raised an eyebrow.

Lucina looked downtrodden. "He and I are…in a fight."

"Oh? What about?" Chrom asked.

"My husband thinks I'm not funny."

Chrom shrugged. "I think you're funny!"

Lucina perked up. "Really?"

The king nodded. "Of course. You came from an alternate timeline, pretended to be a man, and killed a dragon god. Then you married the dragon god, sort of." He chuckled. "I would say that's pretty funny."

The princess groaned. "Father, that's not what I meant. Am I humorous?"

"Oh, would you look at the time?" Chrom said, pulling out his wind-up pocket watch. "Six in the morning? I think I have an event of some sort planned around this approximate time!"

"Father, wait!"

"Bye, Lucina!" Chrom cried out. "I'll see you later!"

Lucina exhaled. "Aunt Lissa, do you think I'm funny?" She turned her head around. "Hm? Aunt Lissa? Where'd you go?"

Robin frowned. "Why is Frederick unconscious?"

Lissa bonked Robin on the head with her healing staff. He rubbed the spot. "I just told your wife this! Maybe if you hadn't gotten into a fight with her, I wouldn't have to explain it twice! I have a job to do, you know."

Silence wafted through the air.

"So," Lissa said, "does Lucina really think Frederick is funny?"

Robin snorted. "Apparently so."

"Hah! That's great!" Lissa giggled. "Frederick…funny! Haha!" She snorted.

"I'd appreciate it if the three of you would not gossip about me," Frederick murmured.

"Ah, look who's finally up!" Lissa walked over to the medical bed. "So, sleepyhead, what's got you all worked up?"

Frederick scowled. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Lissa rolled her eyes. "Puh-lease. You never over-exhaust yourself. When it comes to physical fitness, you're almost as perfect as Cordelia!"

Frederick gripped the bed sheets. "I still maintain that I have no idea what you're talking about."

Robin noticed Frederick's tightened hold. Pursing his lips, he looked between Lissa and Frederick. "Lissa, could you please head out for a second? I want to talk to Frederick. Alone."

Lissa shrugged and exited the infirmary.

Robin put his hand on Frederick's shoulder. "Listen, Frederick, I know we haven't exactly had the best relationship in the past, but if you'd let me, I'd like to help you-"

"Oh, Gods!" the knight cried out. He grabbed Robin's shoulders and pulled him into a crushing embrace. "Cordelia doesn't love me anymore! My marriage is ruined! My life is in shambles!"

"Frederick! I…can't…breathe…" Robin wheezed.

"Oh. I apologize, Robin," he said, easing up.

Robin took in a deep breath. "Let's start over. What happened with you and Cordelia?"

Frederick sighed. "My wife screamed milord's name while we were engaging in coitus."

Robin gave a blank stare. "Wait, that's it?" He shook his head. "She said Chrom's name while you two were having sex?"

Frederick nodded solemnly, tears gushing down his face.

Robin put his hands on his face. "That's…sad."

Frederick continued sobbing. "Isn't it? She's fallen out of love with me!"

Robin slapped the knight. Frederick suddenly stopped sobbing and instead scowled. "You dare to-"

"Get ahold of yourself, man!" He slapped Frederick again. "It's just a passing fancy! Naga knows Lucina's said weirder stuff to me!"

Frederick scowl raised upwards into only a frown. "They couldn't have been as strange as this," he mumbled.

"Once, she cried out 'Oh Naga, yes! Give it to me, Grima!'" Robin said. "This kind of thing is normal, Frederick."

Frederick shuddered. "That is not only weird; that is absolutely horrific."

"Eh, Lucina's been through some absolutely horrific stuff. I can excuse it," Robin said, shrugging. "Are you feeling well now, Frederick?"

The knight nodded. "I think so, Robin. I appreciate this little chat." He suddenly pulled Robin into a hug, making Robin's eyes widen. Robin patted Frederick on the back.

"And if you ever slap me again," he breathed into Robin's neck, "I'll make sure Grima's final battle seems like a pleasant memory with all of the torture I'll put you through."

Robin gulped.

The Next Day

"Wahhhh!" Frederick cried, storming into Robin and Lucina's room and jumping onto their bed, fully clothed in his metal armor.

Fortunately for Lucina, she was sleeping in an adjacent room and wasn't crushed by the metal giant.

Her husband was not as lucky.

"Doesn't anybody knock?" Robin cried as he was squished against Frederick.

"She did it again, Robin!" Frederick cried, sobbing into Robin's neck.

"Oh, Naga," he breathed, waving his arm. "Frederick, get off of me!" Robin cried, pushing the knight off to the side of the bed. "Sheesh!"

"Father!" Morgan cried, running into the room. She hesitated and then ran back outside the doorway again.

Robin sighed. "Yes, Morgan?"

Morgan paused for a second and then knocked on the door.

"You can come in, Morgan," Robin said, exhaling. "The door's open."

Morgan ran up to the bed and started examining her father for injury. "Okay, you're good! Nothing looks broken."

Robin nodded. "Thank you, dear. Now can you please leave Frederick and I alone for a few minutes?"

"What for?" Morgan asked.

Robin sighed. "Frederick wants help with…"

"I would like Robin's assistance with coitus-related matters," the knight informed the girl, interrupting Robin.

Morgan gasped and slapped her father.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?"

"For cheating on Mother!" she screeched. "I never knew you had it in you!"

"I'm not cheating on Lucina! Gods!" he cried. "I wouldn't dream of it; you know that! I'm helping Frederick with his love life!"

Morgan scrunched her face. "Ewwwwww."

Robin sighed. "You said it. Actually, do you want to assist me? I think if you helped me out, it'd make this a bit more tolerable."

Morgan shrugged. "Sure. I've helped with weirder."

Frederick frowned. "You'll let your daughter assist me with this issue?"

Robin sighed. "I might as well. If I didn't let her in, she'd spy on us and figure it out anyway. And besides, she's an adult, despite the way she may act."

"Hey, I resent that!" Morgan cried.

"No," Robin said, shaking his head, "you don't."

"Point taken," she said, grinning. "I really don't!"

"Look, Frederick," Robin said. "If talking to Cordelia didn't assuage your fears, and you can't get over this, then we'll have to do it the old fashioned way."

Frederick pursed his lips. "And what is that?"

Robin grinned. "Einherjar."

"I'm still not completely comfortable with this," Frederick said. "Are you sure this is the only way?"

"Yep!" Morgan said. "This is the way to go unless you want to wear a Chrom mask and perform…poorly. Gods, this whole scenario is disgusting."

"You don't have to tell me twice," Robin said, sighing. He set a card emblazoned with Chrom's portrait onto the ground. "Chrom, king of Ylisse, we summon thee!"

Nothing happened.

"I don't get it," Robin said, scratching his head. "That should have worked."

"Hm," Morgan said. "I thought I drew the portrait well-enough."

Robin whipped around. "Huh?"

"Yeah!" Morgan said. "I spent, like, half an hour drawing him! I think I did a pretty bang-up job."

Robin sighed. "Morgan, you can't just draw someone's face on cardstock and expect the card to come to life. You have to actually capture their soul in the card."

Morgan frowned. "Oh." She scratched her hair. "But wouldn't we have to kill Chrom to do that?"

Frederick's eyelid twitched.

"No, no," Robin said. "You have to make a copy of their soul. Otherwise, no one would make Einherjar."

"Huh," Morgan said. "Well, what are waiting for?"

"And then you stand here," Morgan said. "I cast the enchantment, and then the card should be able to summon a clone of you that will obey our every command!"

"That sounds unethical," Chrom said, frowning. "Are you sure they don't have feelings?"

"Yep!" Morgan chirped. "Inigo told me so!"

Chrom frowned. "How would he know?"

"Chrom," Robin said, "would you just let her cast the enchantment? It certainly wouldn't hurt to have a solider that never sleeps."

"Very well," Chrom said. "Hit me, Robin!"

Frederick twitched.

Morgan began to whisper in an ancient tongue, talking in nonsense syllables and gibberish. "Mariana Nee Hem Jerk!"

"Is that really the spell?" Chrom asked, scratching his head.

Morgan stared at Chrom and grinned. She turned to Robin. "Father, it worked!"

"Great job, Morgan!" Robin said, patting her on the shoulder. Morgan jumped up and down.

"Why are you all looking at me like that?" Chrom asked. "And where's the Einherjar?"

"Oh, this is awkwaaaaard," Morgan said, shaking her head. "Should I tell him?"

Chrom tilted his head. "Tell me what?"

He looked at Morgan curiously. She was staring at him and grinning. Robin was shaking his head, muttering something or other. Frederick looked bewildered, gaping at both instances of his Lord. The other Chrom had an expression of other bewilderment on his face.

Wait, other Chrom?

"What the hell is going on?" Chrom asked, taking a step backwards. He pointed a finger at the Other-Chrom, who was standing adjacent to Frederick. "Is he the Einherjar? I thought they were supposed to stay inside their cards!"

"See?" Morgan said. "Told you this would be awkward."

"I'll handle this," the Other-Chrom said, taking a step forwards. "I feel as if it's my duty. Not to mention that I feel bad for him."

"It," Morgan corrected. "You feel bad for it."

"It?" Chrom asked. "You don't mean that…" He frowned. "No. Robin! Don't tell me…"

Robin nodded solemnly.

Chrom looked his hands over. Sure enough, they were enveloped by a blue light.

He sighed. "Dammit. I'm the Einherjar, aren't I?"

"Cordeliaaaaa!" Morgan sang. "We've got a surprise for you!" Robin, Frederick, Morgan, and the Chrom Einherjar all stood in the center of the training room.

Thwack.

"Ow," Morgan moaned, clutching her head. "Why'd you hit me with a stick?"

Cordelia stood up. "That was a practice lance. Morgan, you walked straight into my line of fire. The training dummy is right behind you."

Morgan turned her head, surprised to see said practice dummy. "Oh," she said quietly. "Anyways, we brought you a present!"

"I'm not a present," Chrom mumbled. "I'm a person."

Robin sighed. "You're not a person. You're an Einherjar."

"Yes, I'm an Einherjar," Chrom corrected.

Cordelia put a hand on her hip. "You made an Einherjar of Chrom?"

Robin nodded. "We thought it'd be useful to have a copy of our strong, capable leader."

"Not to mention that he's hilarious," Morgan added, grinning. "Father, hand me the card!"

Chrom frowned. "I'm not sure I feel completely comfortable being in Morgan's cont-"

"Yes, you do!" Morgan said, grabbing the Einherjar card. "You want to obey my every command."

Chrom nodded. "Indeed. I feel completely comfortable in her control and want to obey her every command."

Cordelia pursed her lips. "Are you sure giving your daughter control of the card was wise?"

Robin turned his head. "Cordelia, I don't need you second-guessing me. I can handle myself, as can my daughter."

"Punch yourself in the face!" Morgan whispered to Chrom. He obliged without hesitation, leaving a minor bruise on his cheek.

Frederick's eyes wandered over to Morgan and Chrom. He sighed. "Forgive me, Robin, but-"

Robin turned to face Frederick. "Frederick, I can handle myself."

"No, I simply noticed that your daughter-"

"Frederick, my daughter is the sweetest, kindest young woman I have ever met."

"Now slap your butt!" Morgan whispered. Chrom quickly smacked his hand on his posterior, making a smacking sound. She giggled, putting a hand over her mouth to muffle the sound.

"She's incredibly intelligent," Robin continued, "and has an intellect to match some of the greatest minds of our generation. She's also adorable."

"You think you're a dog!" Morgan whispered into Chrom's ear.

Suddenly, Chrom's tongue lolled out. He got down on his hands and knees, bouncing up and down, and smiling goofily. He nuzzled Morgan affectionately, as if he were a puppy.

Morgan giggled, petting his head. She looked around, spotting a nearby stick on the floor. An idea sparked in her mischievous little head, so she ran over to said stick and picked it up.

"Want the stick, boy?" she asked, waving it around with her hand.

Chrom began to jump up and down on all fours. He started to shake his butt like he had a tail attached.

"Go get it!" Morgan cried, throwing it quite a way off. Chrom ran after the stick on his hands and knees excitedly, as if it was the most interesting thing in his line of vision. Morgan clutched her stomach, doubling over with laughter.

Seeing this display, Frederick's eyes widened. "Robin, I think you should-"

"Of course you do!" Robin cried, throwing his hands up into the air. "You always try to micromanage me, even when we're trying to help out your sex life!"

Cordelia shook her head. "I'm sorry, I must have misheard you. Did you just say-"

"Oh, for Naga's sake!" Frederick said, grabbing Robin's shoulders.

Robin frowned. "Wait, what are you-"

He turned Robin around.

"Arf!" Chrom cried, wagging his butt, the stick now in his mouth. Morgan gleefully tried to grab it, but Chrom wouldn't give up, his teeth holding onto it. "Hey, give it back!" she cried, chasing after him.

Chrom was having none of it, however, and crawled around on all fours, running away from her, his imaginary tail wagging as he did so.

Robin pinched the bridge of his nose and inhaled slowly.

"Morgan!" he shouted. She stopped running, tripping over herself and landing in a mud pool.

"Yes, Father?" she replied with her head upwards. Her coat was now dirty, and she was lying belly-down in the mud. Chrom stopped running, turning his head around and looking quizzically at Morgan. He was still biting on the stick.

"Give me the card back," Robin said, placing his palm out. Morgan scrambled upwards, brushed herself off, and placed the Einherjar into Robin's grip.

Robin shook his head. "Chrom, I order all the commands my daughter gave you to be nullified."

Chrom's tongue shot back in. He shook his head, getting up off his hands and knees. He frowned and reached inside his mouth, pulling the stick out. "Why was I eating a stick?" he asked, looking quizzically at it.

Robin exhaled, handing the card to Cordelia. "Here. The card will do anything you ask of it." He pointed to Chrom. "It looks and talks like Chrom. Go wild."

Frederick frowned. "I don't feel comfortable abusing the likeness of milord for such activities. And besides, doesn't it have milord's memories? Won't it object?"

Robin shook his head. "Order it not to have his memories or something similar. I'm sure you and the missus can figure something out. You're smart."

Cordelia stared at the Chrom Einherjar and began looking it over. "Amazing. It looks identical to Chrom, right down to his thighs."

"I don't know if I'm comfortable with you scrutinizing me like this, Cordelia," Chrom said, pursing his lips. "Could you, uh, maybe step a few feet back?"

Morgan elbowed Frederick. "Freddy!"

"Don't call me that."

"Freddy-bear!" She grinned. "Order it to be comfortable!"

Frederick sighed. "From prior experiences, I know you're not going to relent until I do so, correct?"

Morgan beamed. "That's right!"

"You're comfortable," Frederick said half-heartedly.

The Chrom Einherjar slumped his shoulders, letting his hands fall down to his sides. "You know what? I take it back. I am pretty comfortable right now!" he proclaimed proudly.

"Even with Cordelia leering at you?" Morgan asked.

Chrom nodded. "I hardly care about that at all now."

The ghost of a smile began to creep up on Frederick's face. "Milord, tell me what a great liege I am."

Robin facepalmed. "Oh gods."

Chrom nodded. "You are a fantastic liege, Frederick."

"I'm not overbearing at all, am I?" Frederick asked. "You secretly enjoy everything I do for you."

"I do!" Chrom said, nodding. "I also secretly love it how you clear the pebbles in the road for me, Frederick! No other retainer would do such a thing."

Frederick nodded, his lips curling upwards into a full-blown smile. "As you say, milord. Your flattery is much appreciated."

Cordelia continued examining Chrom, stopping when she got to his head. He was grinning dopily. "I-Is it OK if I touch you?" she asked hesitantly.

Chrom nodded. "Of course, Cordelia. Anything for a friend."

"A f-friend?" she squeaked. "I'm your friend?"

"Of course you are! Everyone in the Shepherds is my friend!"

Cordelia's smile drooped. "Oh."

"Especially Frederick," Frederick whispered into the card. "Your best friend is Frederick."

"Especially Frederick!" Chrom proclaimed. "He's my best friend!"

Cordelia glared at her husband.

"Chrom said it, not I!" Frederick offered. Cordelia rolled her eyes.

Morgan giggled.

Robin's eyes widened. "Frederick, do you know what you just did?" he asked, in awe.

Frederick tilted his head. "I simply had milord reveal his true feelings about me."

"I don't think Cordelia is the only one that's going to be using that card for marital relations," Morgan murmured.

"No!" Robin said. "You cracked a joke! Twice now, in fact!"

Frederick nodded slightly. "Yes, I suppose I did. What of it?"

"That means Lucina was right! You can be funny!" Robin said. He shook his head. "I need to apologize to her."

"Escort my wife to her room," Frederick commanded. Chrom swiftly picked Cordelia up bridal-style, her heavy armor posing no issue for the pseudo-prince. "Gently strip her of her armor and then wait for me to arrive."

"Well, this just got weird," Morgan said.

"It was weird initially," Robin countered. "It simply became weirder."

"He's…touching me…" Cordelia muttered, her eyes glazed over. "Chrom…touching…me…"

Chrom walked commandingly out of the room, Cordelia in his arms.

Shrugging, Morgan exited the training room. Robin and Frederick followed.

Sumia and Cordelia were sitting in the royal chambers, seated across from one another on the king-sized bed. Sumia had a book titled Conquest and Fate in her hands and was reading it aloud.

"The gorgeous prince Takumi got down on one knee, proposing to the princess of two kingdoms, asking her to be his. They embraced and kissed, and the kingdom rejoiced. The kingdom of Hoshido, though it had endured many trials, was finally at peace."

Sumia closed the book, humming. "That was a very sweet ending."

"Why is it always siblings or cousins in these stories?" Cordelia muttered. "I just don't think that's realistic."

Sumia huffed. "It doesn't matter if they're truly in love! Prince Takumi and Lady Corrin were meant for one another!" She paused. "And besides, there was a letter."

"I don't think a letter can undo two decades of reverse sexual imprinting," Cordelia said.

Suddenly, the door from the royal steam room burst open.

"Sumia, have you seen my clothes?" Chrom asked, clad in only his smallclothes. "I checked directly outside the steam room, but they weren't-"

"Ahhhh!" Cordelia screamed, the blood rushing to her face. She whipped her head quickly in the opposing direction.

"C-Cordelia?" Chrom said quickly. "I thought you'd left!"

"Obviously not!" Sumia said. "She's still here! Now shoo, Chrom! Get out of here!"

Chrom frowned. "Sumia, I'm still in my smallclothes!"

"Get ooooouuuut!" she screeched, pushing him out into the hallway and slamming the door shut.

The door guard looked Chrom up and down, quirking an eyebrow.

"Don't ask," Chrom muttered, slumping down against the wall.

"Are you alright, sir?" the guard asked, eyeing Chrom's almost-naked form. "Should I call for Sir Frederick to fetch you a new pair of clothes?"

"N-no!" Chrom cried, waving his hands. "Anything but that!"

The guard quirked an eyebrow. "As you wish, sir. You are well?"

"I'm fine…Joseph?"

"It's Joshua, sir," the guard corrected. "But I'm flattered you remembered the first letter!"

"Say, Joshua," Chrom said, "you ever try sword fighting?"

"No, sire! But I am particularly proud of my juggling abilities!"

"Really?" Chrom asked. "Why don't you show me? It seems I have time to kill."

Joshua nodded, reaching inside his pockets. "Then it's a good thing I keep my juggling balls on me at all times, sir!"

Sumia sat back down and crossed her legs, sitting across from Cordelia on the bed. "S-Sorry! I know how you feel about him, Cordelia. I hope that didn't make you uncomfortable!"

"It's okay," Cordelia said, her face still burning. "It's not like I haven't seen that before."

Sumia frowned. "Don't tell me Frederick kept one of those 'inspirational posters' around."

"No," Cordelia muttered.

Sumia raised an eyebrow. "Did Chrom walk in on you bathing? He has a tendency to do that."

"No!" Cordelia defended, waving her arms up. "Not this Chrom!"

"Not this Chrom?" Sumia's eyes widened. "No! You didn't!"

Cordelia looked downwards. If it were possible for her face to become any more red, it would have.

"Don't tell me you and that Einherjar… Cordelia, you didn't!"

Cordelia said nothing.

Sumia stood up, fuming. She slammed the door back open, completely ignoring Chrom, who was wide-eyed, sitting with his hands on his knees, as he watched the door guard perform his act.

She began to march through the halls, her feet making the ground shake in fear. She cupped her hands over her mouth.

"ROOOOOOOOOBIIIIIN!"

Author's Notes:

I've always heard jokes about Cordelia and Frederick sharing a love for Chrom, but I'd never actually seen any stories written about it.

The original idea was for Frederick to go to the Outrealms and recruit a younger, stereotypical college-aged "jock" version of Chrom, but…meh.

I've had this fic half-completed for a while now, and it seemed like a good exercise to get my creative juices flowing.