I'm really not sure how love works. Seriously. All I know is that a boy's brain is located in his penis, and a girl's heart is located in her vagina. That's all I learn from the horrifying high school years that I had to go through. Of course, I have learned from those cheesy romcoms that my fucking roommate adores and makes me watch. But I seriously doubt the fucking quality of how real those motherfuckers are. It's just a girl with big tits who falls in love with a boy with a six pack. Or at least… That's what I think they're about. But I could really give a fuck less than KK. I don't understand how he can stand to watch those shitty movies all day, on his laptop. It just doesn't make sense to me. Well, him and FF being together doesn't make sense, but oh well. The world doesn't make sense either way.
When Karkat and I moved from New York to Detroit a few months ago, things started changing a lot. I guess you could say that new relationships—ah, lovely college—began to develop. Yep, Karkat fell for Feferi like any sucker would. He used to follow her around everywhere, and talked about her all. The. Fucking. Time. It annoyed the shit out of me, but it was nice to see that my little KK was growing up (sort of). He described everything about her, and freaked out the first time she asked him for a fucking pen. She had thrown his pencil bag at her face and told her that the pens are hers. Then, out of embarrassment, he absconded from the classroom quicker than I've ever seen that little fucker run. That night was full of sobs, cheesy romcoms, a feelings vent, and ice cream. I'm too nice of a friend. Well, the next day, Feferi had walked up to Karkat, and gave him his pencil bag back. He was frozen on the spot until I thanked Feferi for him, and steered him toward our room. He skipped school that day, and stayed in our room until I came back from college with Chinese take-out and The Notebook, the only romantic movie Karkat doesn't have. Soon enough, Karkat had grown a pair and asked Feferi out. She had said, and I quote, "It's about time you asked, Karcrab!" It all went uphill from there.
And from then on out, I was the third wheel in that weird relationship.
I really don't mind being the third wheel. Whenever Karkat's out with Feferi, I usually get some coding done, along with pestering random people on the internet. It's fun to annoy this dick named caligulasAquarium (a.k.a.: ED. He thinks I don't know that it's him… idiot). Man, he's a fucking riot. He acts all high and mighty, but he's really a huge, egotistical asshole who can't code worth shit. Maybe he and Karkat should meet up sometime, for the 'We-Suck-At-Coding' club. That sounds fun, but not brag, I would not be in that club.
Since Karkat is my best friend, and Feferi is his girlfriend, I know a whole fuck-ton of people. With Feferi, Karkat and I—unfortunately—know Eridan. God, what a stupid asshole. Not to mention, he hates Karkat with a dying passion for "stealing Feferi away from him." God, how stupid can he be to not realize that Feferi doesn't like him like that. God. Eridan's platonic hatred goes toward Vriska Serket, whom Karkat isn't very fond of as well. Vriska knows—for some reason—Karkat's old girlfriend, Terezi Pyrope. Vriska also knows Tavros Nitram, who knows Gamzee Makara, whom Karkat Is close to ask well. See? It's a large circle of friend, except there are many more people than that.
Basically, we are one big disaster-fuck group waiting to happen. It's soon going to be where we're going to kill each other and are going to get our heads ripped off by insane clown…. I do not know where that thought came from…
Well, basically, the point of this is, I'm a freshman in college, who has a lisp. My roommate is Karkat Vantas, who is grumpy all the time, and has a girlfriend obsessed with Marine Biology. I am studying Computers, and I rarely get enough sleep. I am single, and have never been laid.
My name is Sollux Captor, and I am going to grow up to be the real 40-year-old virgin.
Pretty pathetic, huh?