The Start
Someone once said to destroy what destroyed you. So I guess that means I have to destroy myself? I've done a pretty good job not gonna lie. My arms were covered in scratches and burns from my cigarettes. I hate myself for doing this. If baby Spencer could see me now she's hate me. She's think I'm a loser a nobody. An asshole. A waste of space. I'm an only child. I wasn't always I had an older sister. But she died a few years ago. Drug overdose. Sad isn't it? She had everything to live for. But I guess she needed an escape. I can't say that I hate her for it. But it made things weird because I used to live with her. I went back to my parents house after that but I guess I caused too much trouble so I live alone now. But they found me a roommate. Not the best for my anxiety people bug me. The doctors call it anxiety. I call it allergic to stupidity. Dumb people make me sick. Not dumb as in unintelligent. But dumb as in ass holes to other people. It makes no sense to me. Why would you try to bring someone else down just because you're unhappy with your shit life? I don't get it. And it pisses me off. I want to punch the mirror but I don't think the roommate would like that. Not that I care. I hope she's pretty at least then I will have someone nice to look at while I'm here.
The next day
This girl is supposed to be here by now. Her name is Aria. I don't care what her last name is. All I know is her name is Aria. It's a nice name I guess. I sit in the living room my armchair that's across from the door. I have Catcher in the Rye in my hands. It's one of my favorites. It makes sense to me. Which is strange cause most things don't make sense to me. I've stopped trying to make them make sense. It's like trying to fit a square into a triangle hole. That's just stupid. The door turns. I don't put my book down. I don't want her to think I was waiting for her. She walks in. And I look up even though I don't want to. She is wearing some worn converse high tops. And a flowery dress. Her stuff must be in the military bag she has on her shoulders. She has brown hair that falls about her shoulders like ocean waves. I'm stunned she is beautiful. She has brown eyes. I've never loved the color brown as much as I do now. It might be my new favorite color. What is this feeling? It's terrifying. I hate it. I hate her. No I don't I love her. Fuck!
"Are you Spencer?"
"Yes." I feel my throat drying.
She doesn't say anything but she looks surprised.
"We're you expecting someone else?"
"No... I just didn't know you were..."
"A girl? The name is unisex." I snort.
"No! I didn't know you are my age!"
"Oh..." Now I feel like an ass. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."
"It's fine." Her tone is harsh.
We aren't off to a stellar start great job Spencer!
"How old did you think I was?"
She drops her bag to the floor "I dunno I just thought older than me."
"Oh. Ok." I don't know what else to say. There isn't much else to say is there?
"Do you um... Do you wanna see your room?" I ask hoping to change the subject.
"Yeah." She picks up her bag again.
"I can carry it?" I offer. She nods and hands it to me. It's kinda heavy I wonder if that's the only bag she's brought? I start down the hall towards the bedrooms. I stop at the end of the hall.
"Ok this is your room." I point to the room door, "there's a bed and dresser and high boy low boy inside the basic stuff." I open the door. It's not. Huge room but she steps inside and seems to like it.
"It's nice," she smiles at me and I smile back. I can't help it. I like her smile. I will do anything to keep it there. Dear god I love her so.
"Well um... I live right next door. If you ever need anything you know where to find me."
She nods. No smile this time. I feel a bit sad. But I feel like she wants to be alone so I put down her bag and leave. I go to my room and close my door. I lean against it. Dear god I'm in trouble. If only Melissa could see me now. She'd laugh and say "I hope she likes stupid puppies, cause you sure are one." I feel sad thinking about her. So I go grab her old red hoodie and put it on. I lie down on my bed and curl up hoping that sleep will come. And be dreamless tonight.
Hours later
I'm not sure how long I've been asleep. But it's night time when I wake up. I look at my phone. 11:30 pm. Great. I slept too long. I head to the kitchen I'm hungry for some reason. I find some Chinese food I bought last weekend. Hopefully it's still good. But even if it isn't who really cares. I heat it up and take it back to my room. It's nothing like Melissa's teriyaki chicken bowls. But it will do. I see a light under Aria's door. I can't help myself I knock on the door.
"Yes?" She answers.
I open the door. She is sitting in an old t shirt and some shorts. Her legs are really pale and her hair is messy. I think she looks beautiful. Her knees are to her chest and she's holding a cigarette in her hand.
"Those will kill you, you know." I state as I pop some chicken and rice in my mouth.
She smirks, "maybe I want to die."
I tilt my head, she wants to die. No one has ever said anything like that to me before. It only makes me want her more. I want her so badly right now more than I've ever wanted anything. I walk over to her bed and put my food on the floor.
"You're suicidal." It's a statement not a question. I know she is. I don't need to ask.
Her eyes widen. I guess most people aren't that direct. But I'm not sorry. I love her and love is honest. She nods finally. I smile at her and she puts her head on her knees. I frown I didn't mean to make her sad. I take the cigarette out of her hand and stub it out on the bed post. She starts to shake. She's crying. I want to make it go away. I want her to feel better and smile again. I put my hand on her shoulder, she doesn't tense up.
"I... I know I can't make it go away. And I'm sorry I can't. If I could I would. I would take it all away for you. But I can't."
She sobs and I feel my heart clench.
"But if you'll let me I can wait with you until the storm passes?" She raises her head and looks at me. She doesn't believe me. I know she doesn't. I can see the doubt in her eyes. I smile and gently wipe her tears.
"Will you let me to wait with you?" She throws her arms around my neck and sobs into my chest. I put my arms around her back and pull her into my lap. I rock her until she falls asleep whispering words of comfort. Once she is asleep I lay down and pull the blankets over both of us.
"Please don't go Aria. I just found you. Please stay." I feel tears forming in my eyes. I force them closed and press my lips gently to the top of her head. She stirs and I'm afraid I ruined it and she's going to push me away. And hate me. And leave me. But she doesn't. She grips my shirt in her hand and shifts so her ear is over my heart. I feel myself melting. It's weird I'm home now.
The next morning
It's morning. I feel a weight on my chest. I smile to myself I know its Aria. She's real. She wasn't a dream. She's real and I love her. I turn my head to look at her and see her steady breathing. I want to kiss her again but I don't. I don't want to do anything she doesn't want me to do. A bit of hair falls in her face. I reach down and brush it away. That doesn't wake her. I slide out from under her and pull the blankets over her again. I grab Melissa's hat and leave quietly. I start pulling things out of the kitchen, honestly I only have cereal. I don't eat much else when I remember to eat that is. I pull out two bowls and a few boxes. I don't know what she likes so I pull out a few varieties. I put them. On the table and walk back to get the milk. I pull it out and hear Aria walking into the room. I turn to her.
"Hey, you're awake?"
She nods.
"Um I don't know what kind of cereal you like but I have a couple here. If you want some?"
She doesn't say anything. I guess this is gonna be awkward. She lifts her arms and pulls her shirt off. She only has on baby blue briefs under it. Her pale white stomach is flat and littered with scratch marks. She is beautiful. Her breast aren't scared though, they remain untouched. They aren't too big and not too small. They're perfect. I raise my eyes to meet hers. She's watching me… I put the milk down and walk to her. I pull off my sweater and hold it in my hand. We stand there in silence. I know she is waiting for me to make the first move so I do. I put the sweater over her head. She seems surprised but puts her arms in. I have to smile a bit the sweater is big on her and she looks adorable.
"You don't have to do that," I cup her face in my hands. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I won't make you."
She puts her hands over mine, "but what if I want to?"
I shake my head, "then we will. But we both know you don't want to right now. And that's ok." I pull her into me and kiss her forehead closing my eyes. Savoring her porcelain skin against my lips. I stand like that afraid that if I move I will break the spell and she will dissolve into dust and I will be alone again. Finally I pull back and rest my forehead against hers.
"So is cereal ok? I'm not much of a cook I'm sorry."
She laughs, "well maybe I can help you with that."
I smile again "I would like that."
She buries her face in my shirt and wraps her arms around me.
A week later.
"Can I ask you something?"
Aria and I are laying beside each other on the floor in my bedroom.
"Yeah you can ask me anything."
"Why do you live by yourself? You're only seventeen. What happened to your parents?"
I don't really know how to answer that. My relationship with my parents is complicated. And that's putting it lightly. We don't talk much. But they pay for me to live here as long as I do certain things like eat dinner with them once a month. Take the meds dad gives me. Stuff like that. I don't want to lie to her... But I'm not sure how to answer her either.
"My parents are alive. They just. We aren't exactly close if that makes sense?"
She rolls over and looks at me.
"Why?"
"We just butt heads a lot. My mom and I don't get along at all and my dad... I don't know but I don't like the way he looks at me. Like..like I'm an experiment that he's keeping track of. "
She doesn't say anything. I hope I haven't freaked her out...
"What about you? Where's your family?"
I can feel her tense beside me. Maybe I shouldn't have asked that...
"They are all dead."
"Oh... I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault. You didn't kill them."
"They were killed?"
"Yes. There was a massive shooting at the school my mom taught at. The shooter killed her and my little brother. Dad didn't last too long after that. I didn't want to go into the system so I emancipated myself and lived in the house. But everywhere I looked they were there. I could hear Mike laughing over some stupid video he found online. Dad talking with mom about one of the papers that his students tried to turn in that was obviously done an hour before it was due. Mom laughing and reminding him that they were once those students... It just never ended. I couldn't tell what was real anymore. I felt like I was losing my mind. So I left and came here."
I don't know what to say. I never know what to say in these types of situations. I don't know if I should hold her or just lay there. I look over at her, she looks far away. Like she's not really here… And this person I see is just a place market for the person she once was. Maybe I'm over thinking it. Maybe I just need to let her know I'm here. I reach over and intertwine our fingers. I rub my thumb over hers' just to let her know I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. She squeezes my hand to let me know she's here too. And she's staying.