If I Just Lay Here
Stacy
Category: Major Angst/Romance
Pairing: Sparky
Summary: John and Elizabeth prepare for a funeral…
Warnings: Character Death
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I don't own Stargate Atlantis, MGM or anything like that. I don't even live on the same side of the world as it, therefore I guess it's not mine…
Author's Notes: I have made a promo for this story (http://media. but be warned it may ruin the story if you watch it first. The song used is 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol which originally had nothing to do with the story but it went so well with the promo.
John felt a strange warmth spread through him as his body slowly registered consciousness, a pair of arms wrapped securely around him gently nudging him awake.
'John, it's time to get up.'
He closed his eyes savouring the feeling of her soft body pressed up against his own.
'… just a little longer.'
'If you don't get up now, you're gonna be late.' She withdrew her arms taking the blanket with her as she stood up.
He shivered as the cold air came into contact with his skin, 'So I'll be late…'
She shook her head, 'Doesn't work that way.'
Something in her voice caused his eyes to snap open fully and although he had yet to move, he couldn't stop the seriousness that crept into his voice.
'I don't know if I can get through today.'
She moved around the bed and knelt gingerly on the floor beside him, 'That's why I'm here remember? You don't have to go through this alone.'
He let out the breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding and forced himself into a sitting position. 'Right, so what's on the agenda then?'
She smiled pulling them both up and pointing towards the bathroom, 'One step at a time, first you shower. '
'I think I can manage that,' He formed a small smile of his own, 'But you're coming with me.'
She raised an eyebrow letting herself be pulled towards the door, 'You drive a hard bargain Mr Sheppard…'
He smirked as he led her through the doorway and into the small bathroom, letting go of her hand only to turn on the water.
She dropped the sheet that had been covering her body, letting if fall to the floor and turned towards him, 'You coming?'
He could only manage a nod as he slipped out of his boxers, relishing in the feel of the water as it soaked his body, warming him through.
She felt him relax behind her, his arms snaking around her waist securing her back firmly against his chest. 'What are you thinking about?'
'You.' He answered almost instantly.
She leant her head back wishing she could see iside his mind, to know exactly what he was thinking but apparently he was willing to give her the answers.
'I guess I was just wondering how you were feeling...'
Her brow creased in confusion, 'What do you mean?'
'Well…' He leant forwards turning of the shower apparenly having finished, 'I know you said you'd be here for me and you are…'
'But…' She follwed him out of the small cubicle reaching for a towel and wrapping it around herself.
He did the same wrapping his around his waist, 'But is that it? Are you just here because I need you, do you still feel things for me or are you somehow… detatched?'
He turned to leave but she grabbed his arm effectively stopping him.
'John I'm here for you, every part of me.'
When he still didn't look convinced she stepped forwards brushing her hand lightly against his cheek.
He leant into her touch and she reached up gently kissing him on the lips.
'Did you feel that?' She asked pulling away slowly.
He nodded and she finally felt satisfied he believed her, 'Good because so did I.'
'I'm sorry…' He said leading them both out of the room, 'I didn't mean…I just…'
'It's okay.' She rubbed a hand along his arm as they both came to stand in front of his dresser.
God, it wasn't meant to be like this. Technically she shouldn't even be here but she was, and she had to believe there was for a reason for it. 'Lets just get dressed okay?'
He nodded opening his draw before looking up at her reflection suddenly, 'What are you going to wear?'
She thought about it for a moment, did she even have anything appropriate? 'I think I've got something back in my room. Stay here and I'll go look.'
She moved over to the bed looking for the clothes she'd been wearing last night, figuring they'd be a little more respectfull her current attire.
Changing, she gave John a quick kiss before heading to her room hoping there'd be something burried in the back of her closet she could wear.
By the time she returned he was, with the exception of a tie, fully clothed in his dress blues eyeing them spitefully in the mirror.
'I hate this.'
She picked up his tie off the bed moving to stand beside him. He didn't say anything as she placed the object around his neck, fiddeling with the knot until it was perfect.
'There, now you're ready.'
He sighed doubting he'd ever be ready.
Turning towards her, he took in her appearance for the first time. She was wearing a short black v-neck dress that ended just above her knees, a dress that under different circumstances he would have definitely approved of, 'You look nice.'
She gave him a shy smile, 'Thanks.'
'I guess we should…' He glanced towards the door but couldn't bring himself to say anymore. He didn't want to go out there, not now not ever.
'It'll be okay.' Elizabeth gave his hand a reasurring squeeze, 'Besides hiding in here isn't going to change anything. '
He merely shrugged, 'Maybe not but it might buy me a few more seconds.'
'To do what, just sit and wait for the inevitable?' She raised her eyebrows questionably, 'I know you John you need to meet thing head on.'
If it was any other situation she might have a point but right now he'd never wanted to run and hide from something so badly in his life. Unfortunately that wasn't an option this time.
'Once we go out there, there's no turning back.'
She nodded, 'I know.'
'What about you?' He turned to face her doing his best to avoind the situation, 'Are you sure you can do this?'
She rubbed a hand over her face, trying to deflect from the fact they were going round in circles. 'I've told you John I can do this, I'm ready to do this.'
He felt a sudden wave of guilt wash over him as he realized how selfish he was being. God knows she had enough to deal with without him holding her back,'Okay lets do this.'
She took his hand in hers once again and lead him to the door.
To his surprise the world didn't shatter into a million pices as he though it might when he stepped out into the hall but it was quiet.
Too quiet.
'This feels wrong.' John said looking arround trying to assertain the situation.
Elizabeth just shook her head, 'It's normal, trust me.'
His heart started beating faster as they made their way to the control room. The quiet he could deal with, even the emptyness. It was when they finally ran into people that he wasn't sure he could handle.
'They're not going to judge you.' She said almost as if reading his thoughts.
'I'm not worried about that.' And he wasn't. He didn't care what they thought of his personal feelings on the matter, it was more their feelings he was worried about.
The sympathy they'd show, their concern, would be nothing but a constant reminder in their eyes of what he had lost and he'd have to face that everyday.
For a man wanting nothing more than to live in denial, for whatever short time he could, that wasn't a good thing.
'You should really go see Rodney.'
'No.'
His answer was short and curt, not what she'd been expecting.
'John he may not show it but he needs support right now.'
For a moment he felt a wave of empathy for the man but quickly dismissed it. Rodney was a part of their team and seeing him would make everything that much more real. He couldn't do that, he needed more time.
'Just… not yet, okay?'
She nodded understanding his motives and mentally chasting herself. She shouldn't be asking so much of him so soon. It was obvious he was trying, and barely managing, to hold himself together.
Entering the control room she was surprised to see so many people there, even more surprised to feel sudden wave of loss that hit her.
Glancing at John she could tell he felt it too, and would have asked him if he was okay only she was innterupted by Caldwell who by all measures looked nearly as bad as the man standing beside her.
'Preperations are nearly complete, we should be ready to start soon.'
His voice was gruff and sounded thick with emotion but all John could manage was a vague, automatic reply.
'Preperations…right.'
'Colonel I know what you must be going through…'
'I need to get some air,' John quickly cut him off, not wanting to hear what the older man had to say, 'Excuse me…'
Elizabeth quickly followed after him not bothering to give Caldwell a second glance, she had more important things to worry about at the moment.
'John…' She followed him out onto their balcony, where he put his hands against the rail to support himself.
'I can't do it Liz. I can't…' He stopped short not really knowing what else to say. He should of just made them stay in his room. Fuck it, anything would have been better than this. Where were they Wraith when you needed them to attack?
'Don't think like that,' She moved towards him once again seeming to know exactly what was going through his head, 'It's just one day at a time remember?'
He shook his head addimently, 'I can't…'
'Yes you can.' She moved beside him lowering her voice slightly, 'You've been through worse John, you left an entire planet behind to start a completely new life…'
'A life that I'm not ready to give up yet!' He hadn't meant to sound so angry and when he turned around he was surprised to find nothing but understanding in her eyes.
'You don't have to give it up John.' She reached out and brushed his arm gently, 'I won't let you and they wont either.'
He closed his eyes letting the sound of the ocean wash over him. He could hear the waves crashing loudly below them and he felt stangely calm.
'John.'
The instant hope that this had all been some horrible nightmare was crushed when he opend his eyes to find Ronan standing beside him, Elizabeth nowhere in sight.
'They're ready to start.'
He nodded mutely, following the rouge warrior inside, somehow drawing strength from his calm exterior.
The gateroom was filled with what looked to be the entire of Atlantis, not to mention various cultures that had come for the farewell.
With all his remaining strength John took his spot beside Caldwell in front of the gate, listening as the man started to speak.
'Today we are here to mourn the loss of Doctor Elizabeth Weir, valued member of this expidition, a leader to the people stationed here and most importanly a friend…'
John continued to listen to the speeches although barely registering what was being said and by whom, and when it was his turn to speak he did so accordingly.
He didn't notice when Carson broke down in the middle of his turn, or the shattered look Rodney wore as he tried to deliver his words from the paper his hands couldn't keep steady.
He didn't notice much of anything, time moving mostly as a blur only slowing when the reality of what was going on hit him so hard he couldn't breathe. It was only the fact that he could see her standing in the control room, smiling down at him as if they were the only two people in the room that kept him from falling a part.
And when the proceedings were over, when her ashes were scattered from their balcony he retreated to his room, not uttering a single word to anyone on his way.
'See, you survived didn't you?' She lay next to him on the bed both on their backs staring up at the ceiling.
He merely shrugged his shoulders, 'I guess.'
Propping herself up on one elbow she turned to face him as best she could, 'It is going to be okay, I promise. '
He blinked a couple of times trying to comprehend her statement, how could it possilbly be okay when she was leaving him?
'I can't say goodbye.'
'So don't…' She shifted closer to him and felt his arm automatically wrap around her shoulder, '…You should try and get some sleep.'
'Will you still be here when I wake up are you?'
She shook her head sadly.
'In that case why don't we just lay here for a while.' He felt her nod into his chest and relaxed slightly closing his eyes, tonight was just for them he'd deal with the world tomorrow.
If I just lay here, if I just lay here?
Would you lye with me, and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told, before we get too old.
Show me a garden that's bursting into life.
All that I am, all that I ever was…
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see.
I don't don't know where, confused about how as well.
Just know that these things will never change for us at all…
If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lye with me and just forget the world?