This is certainly not my first story nor is it my first fanfiction but it is however the first Doctor Who fanfic I've ever written :) Just a little one-shot about the doctor remembering Rose and missing her. WARNING: Angst ahead ;) Set in Series 5 in my own little pocket of time, probably between Amy's Choice and The Hungry Earth, where Rory has gone home for a little while.

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who

Remembering is Suffering

The Doctor smirked, successfully conjoining two ebony wires without so much as a spark. He very rarely managed to find two compatible cables in the sea of wires that curled and swung under the console of the TARDIS and couldn't help but be proud of himself. With a short chuckle, he lept from the swing and landed on two feet with a beam.

"Wow, that's two things you've managed to not mess up today, shame Rory's not here to witness it. No one's gonna believe me" Amy grinned, sitting on top step of the metal staircase. The TARDIS hummed causing the Doctor to furrow his brows in annoyance where as Amy just laughed. "Even the TARDIS agrees with me!" she scoffed.

The Doctor stuck his tongue out and stepped around her towards the console. "Whatever, Pond!"

The TARDIS whirred loudly and Amy jumped to her feet, skipping towards the Doctor and watching over his shoulder as he furiously typed in co-ordinates and pulled leavers. When he gestured to the zig-zag plotter, Amy beamed widely and raced towards it, stepping twice to the right before using it. The TARDIS calmed and, with a deep rumble, announced their arrival.

"So, where are we this time Doctor?" Amy flirted, reaching over and grabbing her leather jacket.

"Somewhere new" he smiled like a child as he bounced down the steps towards the door.

With a cheerful laugh, Amy followed him outside, stepping into a viscous current. Wrapping her arms around herself, she closed the TARDIS door and looked around, the wind whipping around her and sending her hair in all directions.

The view was amazing. They were currently parked on a large cliff overlooking a large city, blinking lights and bright blue skies overhead. To the far right was a smaller piece of land surrounded by water and detached from the rest of the city. It was a large white building, several stories high with a large symbol on the side. The symbol was a green moon, something that made Amy question the buildings purpose. Looking up, Amy spotted the several hundred car flying above them, souring over the sky of their home. The cars were quite big, certainly bigger than any car she had ever owned or seen, and poured generous amounts of gas from the backs, yet the air was seemingly clear. The wind sent a strong aroma in their general direction and Amy laughed with delight as she recognized the smell. "Is that apple I smell?"

She waited for a few second, gazing around her in awe, when she realized the Doctor had yet to answer. When she turned back to him she noticed his vacant gaze. His hair was been swept into his eyes yet they were still visible enough to see the tears pricking his eyes. His hand was pressed to the door of the TARDIS as though he was preparing to run back inside yet his gaze continued to wander across the planet. "Why would she bring me here?" he whispered to himself, but Amy could hear, and assumed he was talking about the TARDIS. To Amy's surprise, when he looked past her shoulder at a grassy patch over looking the planet, he froze. His lip trembled as he took rapid and uneasy breaths in an attempt to hide his tears.

"Doctor?" Amy whispered nervously as she moved back towards her friend.

When the Doctor heard her, he shook his head and awkwardly coughed away what must have been a horrid memory and turned to face her, plastering a smile on his face. Yet Amy could still see a single tear lingering in the corner of his eye. "Yep" he smiled halfheartedly, popping the 'p'.

Amy frowned. "Doctor what's wrong? Have you been here before?"

By the look on the Doctor's face it was clear that the answer was yes. With a shake of his head the Doctor seemed to slip back into his normal facade and leaped over to join her. "Come along Pond" he cheered, dragging her along towards the city, purposely avoiding a particular patch of grass.

Amy smiled; she loved this part. "So where are we?"

The Doctor turned to her and grinned. "This is New Earth" he gestured out with his arms, letting her take in the full view. "And that is New New York", he added, pointing to the city floating in front of them.

Amy squealed with happiness, her arm in his as she jumped up and down on the stop. The Doctor closed his eyes for a second, remembering how she had done much the same thing. Instantly, a million memories and imagines flung into the Doctor's mind and his eyes began to burn. He had never felt a stronger urge to cry.

"Its actually called New New York?" Amy gasped in disbelief.

The Doctor sighed, her voice bringing him back to reality. "Well, actually its the fifteenth New York"

"So, what? That makes it New New New New, New New New New New Ne-"

"No" the Doctor immediately interrupted her. "Don't do that, no. Just... dont" he sighed, rubbing a hand over his face in exasperation.

Amy raised her eyebrows and huffed, allowing herself to fall onto the grass. She lent back on her elbows and happily watched as the cars flew over her head, mingling with the countless others that crossed their path.

...

The Doctor slid both hands tiredly over his face, rubbing his eyes roughly with his fingers as he lent back on the against the TARDIS console. Today had been terrible. After insisting the Doctor join her on the grass, Amy had asked to visit the 'big white building', or so she had put it. So not only did he walk inside and get hit with a wave of familiar memories and feelings back also saw a startlingly familiar face. It must have been before he first came here for the cat-nun-nurses were still running the facility and, although the Doctor wanted to stop their testing and flesh-growing then and there, he knew he had to leave it up to his younger self in the future. Not only that, but the Doctor had therefore seen the Face of Boe, and it was something in the creature's face that proved to the Doctor that he was well aware of their adventure that had yet to happen in this very place, and the reason it haunted him. The Doctor hadn't questioned the Face of Boe further, you know, time-lines and all that.

Even though his mind was now plagued with a thousand painful memories, he found himself smiling, even if only slightly. It hadn't been his doing when they had arrived. He had set the co-ordinates for Kikatchune, a distant planet inhabited by humanoids with eight legs for over 9 centuries, but apparently his sentient ship had other ideas.

A part of the Doctor was hoping, praying, that it was a sign from his ever faithful ship. Maybe his impossible Rose Tyler had found a way back to him and she was there, right under his nose, and the TARDIS was trying to acknowledge him.

Instantly, upon so much as thinking her name, the Doctor withdrew from the console, hands sliding off the main controls to hang uselessly by his sides as he unceremoniously stumbled back into one of the captain's chairs. It sounded so artificial but his hearts were clenching, almost as though her name was being seared into his heart over and over again. And he had worked so hard to dull the ache by blocking the little pink and yellow human from his mind.

With a strangled sigh, the Doctor hoisted himself up using the console and hurriedly scrambled up the TARDIS staircase and down a dimly lit, vacant hallway. Since these floors had not be walked on for years, the Doctor found his fists clenching and his teeth digging into the skin of his plump lower lip to gain composure. He knew, vividly, what was down this forbidden corridor. Passing various rooms, doors ranging in both size, color and texture, the Doctor ventured further and further into the depths of his memories.

He came across a certain door, pale. Golden tendrils of color spread across the expanse of the wood and etched into the paint, swirling around until they stopped at the corners of the door. In piercing, golden circular Galifreyan was one simple word; Susan. And yet, the power that word had over him made the Doctor tremble. He rarely though of the people he had lost that had been as close to him as Susan was. He missed his granddaughter greatly but knew, that somewhere, she was happy.

Sighing, the Doctor moved further, purposely avoiding the doors of 'Romana', 'Sarah Jane' and countless others. When he began to reach the doors of his more present companions, he stopped and smiled.

The door in front of him was red and looked almost battered and tired, certainly compared to the rest. The knob was newly polished, reflecting the Doctor's face as he looked down curiously. He was somewhat tempted to go inside but knew that he couldn't and wouldn't be able to bare it. She had been such a big part of the Doctor's life. She had cheered him up and made him smile whenever she could. Yes, there were times when tears were inevitable but she was always one to be snarky, quirking and snappy. She was amazing, in her own way, just as all of his companions were, ranging from Ian and Susan to Amy and Rory. And then, the bright and wonderful memories filled with smiles and laughing were replaced by a single image. The look on her face when she realized. The last meaningful gaze she sent his way before she forgot who he was completely. Softly tracing the circular Galifreyan equivalent of 'Donna', the Doctor moved on.

And then there it was, right at the end of the corridor, all by itself for more reasons than one. Each of his companions had had a special place in each of his hearts but, she was evidently the most powerful of them all, at least when it came to the Doctor's heart.

The door itself was a soft shade of pink, matching and contrasting shades milking their way into the middle of the wood, where paths began to spiral in all directions. The door was framed, only not with the same golden tinge the rest of the doors had, but rather with the natural coral of his previous desktop theme. The coral was thin but it was obvious what it was and, looking at it, the Doctor knew that the simple coral was so much more important and valuable than any gold. The coral TARDIS was where their adventure both began and ended. The thought made the Doctor shed a tear as he studied it for a second more.

This door, again unlike the others, had no Galifreyan inscription on it. No writing what-so-ever. To an outsider it may have looked as thought the Doctor hadn't cared enough about this companion to make a simple inscription but that was the complete opposite of the truth. The Doctor refused to have any words on the door merely out of the knowledge that no word, not even in the long lost language of the Time Lords, was enough to convey the shear power and love he felt for the human. Not even the TARDIS dared to put so much of a plaque above the door. Both the Time Lord and the sentient ship knew who the room belonged to and since no one else had to know, there was no point in any sign of identification.

Taking a deep breath, the Doctor swallowed the lump in his throat as his hand fell to the door knob. It was cold, considering the door lay untouched for several years. Round and shining in his hand, and yet the Doctor hesitated.

From what he could remember from his countless nights sleeping or simply whimpering in the confines of her room at his loss, it had not been touched by anyone but her, or maybe him, since she left. He wanted it kept the way she left it, whether that meant clothes laying about, the bed untidy or make up across the counter, he didn't care. He wanted everything perfect; the perfect imagine and memory of her to hold onto. She had never been overly-tidy. Even though the Doctor had made fun of her messy room countless times, she had brushed him off and simply claimed it was 'the way she liked it'. And if this was the way she liked it, it was the way the Doctor loved it.

Brushing his palm against the wood once more, he slowly moved into the room. His mind was swarming with memories as he stepped into the overflowing room of clothes, make-up and bed sheets.

Strewn over her bed were the last pair of pajamas she had worn on the TARDIS, something that, for some reason, made the Doctor's heart swell. He remembered that night well; she had wanted him to read to her so they had finished the final Harry Potter book together. Reading books while laying together was something they loved to do. She had the proceeded to fall asleep against his chest half way through the last chapter, which made the Doctor laugh. Later in the night he had moved from under her carefully and left her to sleep. Thinking back to it now, the one thing he regretted was not staying the whole night and watching her sleep, or even sleeping beside her.

Scattered across the expanse of her make-up table was a collection of perfume bottles and several make-up products. Her eyeliner and mascara were open, the brushes crisp and dry. The entire floor had clothes scattered everywhere and the wardrobe door was swung open, dresses and jeans hanging out.

"Who was she?"

The Doctor gasped, turning to face the intruder. Standing against the door frame, arms crossed and a soft smile on her face, was Amelia Pond. Her eyes were on the Doctor and it was clear that the look she was giving him was one of love and sympathy. It was then that the Doctor noticed something wet and warm against his cheek. Bringing a hand to his cheek, the Doctor felt a single tear gracing his face and wiped it away.

"Doctor, who was she?" Amy asked again, looking around the room quickly before looking back to her best friend.

The Doctor sighed and rubbed his eyes dry before gesturing for Amy to move inside the room. She did so and closed the door gently.

"Her name was Rose" the Doctor choked slightly, throat tight. He slowly lowered himself onto her bed and rest a hand against the pink sheets. Amy sat on the chair at the desk and watched as the Doctor contemplated ways to explain his feelings for the human that hurt him the least. "I loved her" he croaked sadly, tears now streaming down his cheeks. "I love her" he corrected quickly.

Amy nodded in understanding, urging him to go on.

"She wasn't a princess or a goddess.. she was human, and normal. But she was so beautiful Amy, so beautiful. She was my pink and yellow human. She was-" choking on his words, the Doctor rubbed his red face urgently. Amy only smiled sadly. "Oh God Amy, I miss her so much. It was right after the Time War that I met her. She just, I dont know, changed me, she saved me from myself. From the moment I met her. The first ever word I said to her was "run" and we never stopped."

As the Doctor continued to explain the story of the Oncoming Storm and the Bad Wolf, even going so far as to explain, in as much detail as he could manage, the events of Canary Warf and his metacrisis-human twin. Amy simply sat and listened, her heart breaking for her Raggedy Man. She had never seen him so upset. It was probably a good thing Rory wasn't on board at the moment, since the Doctor probably wouldn't have told her the tale otherwise.

Whether she cared or not about the possibility of River Song being his wife in the future, it was clear to Amy that the Doctor's hearts belonged to Rose and would for a very long time. She was sure he knew that too.

"Doctor", Amy whispered gently when the Doctor had finished. Both of them were now crying, only Amy was doing so quietly. The Doctor was sniffling and choking on his breath as he clutched the bed sheets. "I am so sorry. I know you love her, and I'm sorry you lost her. But if there is anything we can do to get her back to you, I'll do it. Just tell me, and we'll get her back."

Yeah I know it wasn't great but I just wanted to do an angsty kind of one-shot, although I'm not sure if I want to turn it into an actual story. If you liked it, review and let me know if you want me to carry on and maybe I'll make it a reunion fic or something. Anyway, I hope you liked it.

Let me know what you think :) Means a lot.