The carriage rattled its way down the rough road, away from the abandoned and ruined orphanage from which the murderous circus children came. All the loose ends were tied up, and Ciel was anxious to put the ordeal behind him; it had awakened old traumas. Sebastian sat across from him, cloaked in shadow and his dark overcoat. Ciel wished that the butler was sitting beside him…touching him…which of course meant Ciel was doing his best to ignore him. He stared gloomily out the window, cheek resting on his hand.
"Something wrong, my lord?" Sebastian asked.
"I'm just tired," Ciel lied. "I'll be fine once we get back to the manor." God did he wish to be cradled in Sebastian's-no. Enough of that.
The sun had nearly disappeared beneath the horizon when they made it back to the manor. Sebastian leapt lightly from the carriage and offered a gloved hand to help Ciel climb down. As the carriage drove away he looked up to see Mey-rin, Finny, and Bard were running down the front steps towards them.
"Sebastian…Master…you're back!" Mey-rin cried.
"We missed you!" Finny said.
"We did, yes," Mey-rin agreed.
The three Phantomhive servants stopped in front of Sebastian and Ciel, ridiculously cheerful smiles on their faces.
"I trust things ran smoothly while we were gone?" Sebastian said.
"Well, the kitchen is still in a state o' disrepair…" Baldo muttered around his cigarette.
Ciel felt rather than saw Sebastian's eyebrow raise.
"Is that so?" he said.
"I 'ad to use that new high-tech firearm the Master acquired!" Bard said, holding up his hands defensively. "It's got incredible destructive power. And then, y'know, there was an explosion."
"Of course there was," Sebastian sighed wearily. "I'll see to it in the morning. I trust all other damages have been taken care of?"
"Yes sir!" the three of them said in unison.
"Is Elizabeth still here?" Ciel asked.
"She has refused to leave until she's seen you, yes," Mey-rin said.
Ciel heaved a shaky sigh. "Do not tell her I've returned until tomorrow, understand?"
"Yes sir!" they said in unison once again, and hurried back into the manor.
Sebastian followed them, walking a pace behind Ciel
"What would you like to do now, bocchan?" Sebastian asked.
"I'm tired. Bring some tea to my room, and don't let Elizabeth see you."
"Very good, my lord."
A few minutes later Ciel was sitting on his bed, sipping the chamomile tea Sebastian had brought. It was quite good, like everything else Sebastian made, but he couldn't enjoy it properly. He could feel one of his lonely moods coming on, a crushing, suffocating feeling that could last for days.
Sebastian knelt by the bed and began removing Ciel's shoes and socks, gloved hands moving deftly over the buttons and clasps. Then on to his jacket and shirt, removing every garment with the same rhythmic efficiency with which the butler did everything. Ciel felt the eye-patch that concealed the demon seal fall from his face, then the teacup was swept from his hand and a nightgown was draped around his shoulders. As Sebastian's hand brushed against him, Ciel's breath caught in his throat. He wondered if Sebastian had noticed. Surely he had. He noticed everything—every glance, every shudder, every sigh. No matter what, he was always there, noticing. But had he noticed how Ciel felt?
Sebastian reached to button Ciel's nightgown, but the boy reached out and grabbed his butler's wrist, holding it tightly.
"Bocchan?" Sebastian said questioningly.
Ciel's mismatched eyes raised to meet Sebastian's scarlet ones. "Take off your gloves," he ordered.
Strange order though it was, Sebastian didn't question it. He simply smiled his supplicating smile and slid the white fabric from his always-capable hands and continued to button Ciel's nightgown. Ciel watched his progress, the graceful movements of his butler's fingers comforting. An inexplicable lump formed in Ciel's throat, getting bigger every time Sebastian's bare fingers brushed his skin.
Ciel's mind was raging. What was the reason for the lump in his throat? Why did he feel the sting of tears behind his eyes? Why did he want his butler to hold him tightly and never let him go? What was the reason for any of it?
As Sebastian reached the top button Ciel grabbed his hand, holding it there against his chest as—despite his best efforts—he began trembling. The crushing loneliness was upon him, and he needed to reassure himself that there was something—someone—to hold onto.
"Bocchan…" Sebastian said again, "what is wrong?"
Ciel took in a ragged breath, trying to form the raging emotions inside him into words. "S-Sebastian," he stammered, "I…"
Traitor tears fell unbidden from his eyes and Ciel bowed his head low, his hair falling forward over his face, in a useless attempt to hide them from Sebastian's watchful gaze. He felt Sebastian's free hand cup his chin, lifting it up so he was forced to meet the scarlet eyes again. Sebastian's brow was furrowed, the corners of his mouth pulled down in an expression of concern.
"Yes, master?" he prompted
"I-I'm…alone," Ciel spoke around repressed sobs.
Sebastian frowned, looking almost irritated that Ciel would say such a thing. "You are not. Not since the moment you called me."
That sparked anger in Ciel. With a wordless cry his hands shot out and snatched the front of Sebastian's jacket, jerking him forward. The butler's eyes widened in shock as they met Ciel's pained glare.
"Then why do I feel so alone?" Ciel shouted. "Why do I feel this way? What have you done to me?"
Sebastian looked shaken—but nothing could shake Sebastian—and didn't offer an answer. How strange…Ciel had never left his butler speechless before.
"Do you notice how I feel? Have you ever…noticed…?" Ciel trailed off, his anger dissolving back into tears. Slowly he released his grip on Sebastian's jacket, withdrawing them into his lap. It was ridiculous, this need… this longing… for physical touch. Sebastian wasn't even human.
"What is wrong, my master?" Sebastian asked, grasping Ciel's hands in his own. "What is it I've done to make you hurt like this? I do wish you'd tell me."
"Answer my question…that's an order," Ciel said without looking up.
"I notice everything, my lord. Every disturbance that rocks this mansion, and every emotion that crosses your face, no matter how small. And while I can't actually read your mind, I feel confident enough in my understanding of you to make my deductions."
Ciel glared at the demon. "I don't believe you. If you knew what I… you would have done something already.
Sebastian glanced away from Ciel, his brow furrowed. "Done something…" he repeated. "Done what? I do not understand human emotion."
"And Demons cannot feel," Ciel said bitterly.
Sebastian looked back at him. "Perhaps not in the same way humans do. Like I said, I do not understand. The closest I can ever come is this…"
Sebastian reached up to touch Ciel's face, catching a tear on his finger. Then he put the same finger in his mouth, licking the tear away. "Mhhhh," Sebastian sighed in enjoyment. "I can taste your soul…it's lonely."
Ciel made a sound like "tcha", then said, "I know I'm just a soul to you…I know that's all you want."
Sebastian laughed quietly. "Just a soul? What a degrading word to describe it…just."
"Shut up," Ciel said, choking back a sob. "Just shut up. You don't understand, you don't…" Ciel couldn't continue, his repressed sobs forcing their way out.
Sebastian stared at Ciel in alarm. What…? He grasped Ciel's face between his hands, forcing his master to look at him. "Then explain," he implored.
The boy blinked up at him, tears streaming from his eyes. The proof of his lonely soul. But what could Sebastian do?
Ciel put his right hand over Sebastian's, holding it in place as he leaned into it. "I'm lonely, Sebastian," he whispered.
In that moment Sebastian remembered a human need he'd neglected; the need for physical touch. Understanding rushed over him.
"My lord," Sebastian said, moving his hands to the boy's shoulders. "I am sorry. What kind of a butler am I?"
He sat on the bed beside his master and pulled him to his chest, wrapping his arms around the slight frame and squeezing. He felt Ciel's sobs begin to subside.
The relief Ciel felt at finally being in Sebastian's embrace was almost overwhelming. His mind stopped raging and his emotions stilled.
"Tighter," he said.
Sebastian obeyed, taking it a step further by lying on the bed, curling his whole body around Ciel and clutching him to his chest.
"I noticed, my lord," Sebastian said. "But I didn't understand. I am sorry."
Ciel relaxed into the demon's embrace. And he noticed that, for the first time in three years, his loneliness was held at bay.