Friends like his

by Shamenka

Joxer is in crisis - Ares comes to the rescue ... and then the real fun begins! Oh, and someone should have told Aesclepius it wasn't supposed to be a real baby! Mpreg, Ares/Joxer and a lot of chaos... here comes mischief and mayhem bwahahaha!

Disclaimer: All copyrightable characters etc belong to the show's creators, not me. No money is being made from this fan fiction, just writing for the fun of it.

Friends like his ...

by Shamenka

Sitting in his Olympian home Ares, God of War, felt the intrusion into one of his temples. Whomever it was, was now sitting on his throne no less! Looking around himself, seeing nothing, no one, never a soul to talk to there, nothing to stop him from investigating, and frying, whomever had had the temerity to invade his temple in such a manner, he left for his desecrated temple. It would fill a moment or two in his eternal loneliness, he thought.

On arriving there, he found Xena's inept friend Joxer, more dead than alive. The amount of alcohol he had consumed almost enough to poison even Bacchus! It was little surprise then, that the mortal was slipping into the hands of Hades, even as the War God watched. Yet, as he watched and waited for the inevitable end to the mortals life, the bored, and if truth be told, lonely God of War wondered what had brought the man to this end. In his temple of all places too!

Prying into the defenceless man's mind, the images that he found triggered a little fellow feeling in Ares' heart. Unrequited love, and worse, the constant ridicule of his achievements, his desires, even of his feelings, by enemy and friend alike.

The God sighed, and filled the mortal with healing energy. Freeing Joxer's body from the poisons inherent in all that alcohol, but leaving the hangover, that he knew Joxer would not forget in a hurry! Once assured of his patient's survival, he relocated them to one of the private chambers all his temples had. Relocated them the only way he could, with Joxer being a mortal. He carried the comatose mortal there, and dumped him on a bed, stripped him by his own hand, wiped the vomit up, when Joxer's stomach finally showed more sense than his brain, and he threw up the remains of the alcohol he had consumed. After all that, all Ares could do was sit and wait.

As oblivion gave way to pain, nausea, sweating and shivering, Joxer realised that he had to still be alive! He groaned and tried to move, but his stomach decided that that wouldn't be such a good idea. Joxer only vaguely recalled the previous day or two. Every memory that came to the fore, just served to remind him that he was a waste of space, a failure. Now, to add to his failures, he had failed to drink himself to death.

"Ah, you're awake." A deep, dark voice, whispered in the darkness. "Body aching, stomach churning, brain throbbing. Yup, you've got a hangover alright, a good one. So, young Joxer, let this be a lesson to you. I might not be so benevolent next time!" And Ares stepped out of the shadows and into the faint pool of light surrounding the bed.

"Ares? Shit, fuck!" Joxer whispered, wishing he could swear, wishing he wasn't going to do what he had to do next!

Joxer leaned over and hurled!

"I suppose, I'd better see to that lot too then!" Ares muttered, zapped the mess from his floor and his own feet and legs. He zapped the sheets clean, but washed Joxer with warm water and soft cloths, by hand.

"Again?" Joxer whispered, after he had rinsed and spit the taste from his mouth.

"What? Now? Already?" Ares asked, creating an empty basin for his house guest.

"What?" Joxer was wondering at the basin, then slowly realised that Ares had thought he was going to throw up again. "No, you said, you'd better see to that lot too.. did I do that on you before?" Joxer asked, spying the basin with the look of a man meeting his best friend after years of separation.

"Here, have fun!" Ares handed over the basin and retreated. Once Joxer was done, he zapped that away with the others he had already disposed of, and began to reassess his idea of leaving Joxer with his hangover.

"So, why did you do it? Why try and drink yourself to death like that?" Ares created a chair next to his bed and sat down, more on eye level with Joxer now anyway.

Ares exerted his powers once more, and sped along his guest's recovery, slightly. To the trembling, shivering stage that comes right after the violent throwing up stage and before the true, sobered up final stage with all its added remorsefulness thrown in.

"No one wanted me, no one really cares whether I live or die. I got fed up being alone." Joxer managed between shivering chills.

Ares gave him another blanket, and a hot stone wrapped in a thick blanket to warm him.

"Thanks!" Joxer sighed. "Why did you save me then?" He ventured.

"Because, I care if you live or die? Maybe, I just had a brain storm and decided to go with 'warm, loving, squishy' feelings for once." The amount of ire Ares could get into the words 'warm, loving and squishy' impressed the shivering Joxer.

"Oh!" Joxer replied. "I suppose I should say thanks, but the way I feel.." He drifted to silence, fighting tears and self pity.

"Hey, don't push yourself. I wouldn't say thanks either." Ares grinned, not a superior grin, not evil, not even slightly calculating. Of all things, the War God look friendly. Joxer just smiled as he fell asleep again. Ares sat where he was, watching his patient recover. It was certainly more 'fun' than watching the walls of his home temple growing old. Not by much, though!

The next time Joxer awoke, he was less surprised to see Ares, this time he actually remembered the God had been there before. He groaned as daylight assaulted his eyes, and then his brain by default. The aching mortal tried to sit up, only to be helped up by the suddenly, in Joxer's experience, solicitous War God.

"Ready to face the world again, Joxer?" Ares asked, smirking as pain flashed like Hephaestus' flames through the mortal's nerve endings.

"You sure I'm not dead and in Tartarus?" Joxer asked, then winced as he instantly regretted his harsh words. "Sorry, don't kill me." He groaned.

Ares laughed, it was such a turn around from the desire to killed himself of only a few days before. The God had to conclude that Joxer was well on the way to recovery. This made him feel inordinately pleased with himself.

"Had enough to drink for one day, huh?" Ares asked, grinning.

"And some!" Joxer pulled himself together and eased himself to the edge of the bed, only to discover that his feet had no intention, what so ever, of supporting his weight, and secondly, he was naked. "Where are my clothes?" He squeaked.

"Gone, they have ceased to be, they were offensive, and not just to my dress sense." Ares waved a hand and the mortal was dressed in a simple pair of leather pants and a plain white shirt. Ares held out a comfortable pair of plain black boots for Joxer's now besocked feet!

"Er, thanks, er, Ares.." Joxer tried calling the God by name, to see what happened. When the God in question did nothing more evil than nod his head, Joxer sighed deeply and took the boots, and finished getting dressed. "What now? You'll be wanting your bed back, I'd imagine.." He drifted off to a halt once more, now that he thought about it, it was Ares' bed he'd slept in. Ares' feet he'd hurled on. Ares' clothes that covered him.

"I got plenty beds, use it as long as you need. Now, how can your God help solve your troubles? Correct me if I'm wrong, but, you tried to kill yourself when Gabrielle told you she loved you, but as no more than a friend or the brother she never had. Am I right?" Ares smiled, a genuine smile, it clearly showed the dimples in his cheeks. "To add to your troubles, that idiot, half brother of mine told you what he really thought about your fighting skills. Then, my equally stupid daughter, Xena in case your wondering, tells you she accepts you as a 'family' member, but only if you have nothing to do with your brothers? Hmm? Am I right?"

"Basically.. but there was more to it than that.." Joxer looked at his new boots, rather than his God. "I guess it was just everything, a lifetime of loneliness, why should I have to choose between friends and my family?"

"Believe me, I know just how you feel!" Ares sat beside Joxer and looked at his own boots.

"Yeah." The mortal agreed. "What we need are either new friends, or new families!" He laughed, the irony of his statement not missing him.

"Well, we're stuck with our families, let's you and me go find some new friends for you, can't be that hard, you're a nice enough person; for a mortal." Ares shrugged, not fully appreciating what he was getting himself into.

"Gee, thanks, and you're pretty okay, for a God an' all!" Joxer looked at Ares and smiled. Suddenly confident that the War God wouldn't fry his ass.

"Dinner then?" Ares asked.

"Dinner? What happened to breakfast and lunch?"

"You slept through them, of course. Several times in fact."

"Of course!" Joxer mumbled as Ares' words slowly sunk in.

Joxer moved after Ares, like a puppy dog, following with blind faith, a new master. Yet, truth be told, Ares was not actually being 'masterful' at that moment.

"Through here, take a seat, a light snack I think, I don't think you'd be able to stomach anything else." Ares pointed across a huge, almost empty dinning room, all there was in that empty space were two seats facing an enormous, blazing fire. Each chair was comfortably cushioned and had a small table to left of one, and to the right of the other. They nestled together, at such a counterpoint to the vast empty room.

Joxer walked slowly to the right-hand seat and sat down, timorously, on the edge of that great chair. While Ares, lounged back in the other seat, at once comfortable in that echoing room.

"It's rather empty in here? Why do you have such a big room?" Joxer couldn't help asking as he looked all around him.

"Rules, my father insists that all temples have identical assembly halls, dinning rooms, call them what you will, they're just a dig to those of us who are vilified by the others." Ares shrugged and materialised dinner for them, on their little tables.

"So, if you threw a party, I guess nobody would come, hmm?" Joxer asked, feeling braver than he ever had before.

"Got it in one, Joxer. Now, eat up, but slowly okay?" Ares tucked into his own meal.

"Sure." Joxer replied, picking up the least revolting looking morsel, his stomach was telling his brain that all food was disgusting at that moment. He had to close his eyes to get the dry bread into his mouth, in the first place, the automatic heaving didn't help. Then, he felt a warm glow within, and the nausea was settled. "Thanks Ares." He whispered.

"Yeah, sure." Ares replied, lifting his goblet of wine to take a long draft from it, then he looked at Joxer's goblet. "Em, fruit juice, I think!" So saying, he changed Joxer's wine into juice.

They settled into a pleasant silence and relaxed into their chairs and watched the fire as the flames danced up the chimney.

Meanwhile, in the inn that had sold Joxer all the wine, the wine he had tried to kill himself with, a group of weary, dusty, travellers plodded up to the bartender. Two men and two women attracted the man's attention and ordered four ales.

"Anything to eat here?" The shorter of the two men asked.

"Yeah!" The shorter of the two women seconded him.

"Later, there will be hot food, later. Only cold for now." The bar tender told them as he took the copper coins from the taller of the two men. He wasn't rude, just busy.

"Food for four, meat, bread, whatever you've got." The tallest man asked the bar tender. "And, while you're here, we're looking for someone, a friend, he was heading this way a few days ago. We were wondering if you had maybe seen him?" The tall man turned to the short woman. "Gabrielle, the drawing, if you please?"

The woman, Gabrielle, showed the bar tender the drawing, a very accurate drawing of Joxer the Mighty. A much happier Joxer than the bar tender remembered. He looked at the group before him and tried to smile, tried to be gentle, but he was a bar tender not one of Asclepius' acolytes.

"He was here, you really missed him, he killed himself two or three days back." Then the bar tender remembered all that the sad man had told him over the evening. "Hey, if she's Gabrielle, then she has to be Xena, an' you two, Hercules and Iolaus?" He watched as four very stunned people nodded, slowly. "Then, get out of my bar!" He took back the partly drunk ales and slammed the coins back down before them.

"Now, you wait a minute!" Xena snarled. "What do you mean, he killed himself? How?"

"He drank solidly for a night, a day and half the second night. Enough to kill a man twice his size." The man snarled back.

"And you sold all that wine to him?" Xena grasped the man's shirt., and as he went to pull free, Hercules reached over and grabbed him too.

"Answer her!" He shook the bar tender.

"Hey, it was his dinar, his life, his choice. And don't you think you got a nerve questioning me? I at least listened to the man. I wasn't the one that called him a liability to his face, poor shit!" This time he pulled free and turned away from them, only to have Gabrielle lift a hand to his arm.

"Where did he go? Where would a body be taken?" She tried to look him in the eyes, but failed.

"Try Hestia's temple.. try any of them!" This time, he managed to retreat from them.

"Dead, Joxer's dead?" Gabrielle said, somewhat redundantly.

"Who would call him a liability to his face, poor guy!" Iolaus asked.

"I did." Hercules looked ashen, he turned away from Iolaus, unable, unwilling to face his friend. Almost revelling in the feelings of guilt flooding his mind.

"You and me both!" Gabrielle muttered. Remembering all her harsh words to Joxer over all the years she had known him.

"Don't light the pyre until you've got the body!" Xena turned back towards the door and before she walked away she spoke, not looking at any of her companions, that gesture alone spoke volumes of her guilt. "Let's start at Hestia's temple." Then she walked out.

All the while Ares and Joxer sat quietly, watching time drift by. The mortal was beginning to feel remarkably better, now that he had something solid in his stomach.

"I think you might want a breath of fresh air, before going back to bed." Ares stood, stretched and turned to help his guest rise. He had few, if any, visitors that didn't mean he did not know how to be a good host.

"Thanks." Joxer grunted as he stood. "Where do you want to walk?" He asked his host.

"Dunno'" Ares replied, shrugging.

"How about the night market? That's usually good for a laugh." Joxer walked back to the door, side by side with the God of War. "Only..." He hesitated. "I think you might want to change, dress down a little.." He thought his end had come, not by his hand but by Ares' hand!

Instead, Ares just stood there, looked a Joxer, himself, then Joxer again, made a slight 'oh' sound, nodded once, and changed appearance, slightly. He stood before his guest, still wearing his normal, tight, leather pants, but a billowing silk shirt, as plain and white as Joxer's and an unadorned belt around his slim hips. Ares had lost his beard too.

"Clean shaven, you reckon?" He asked the stunned Joxer.

As the mortal looked at his God, smooth of cheek, slender, impossibly young looking, innocent.

"Who did you say you were?" Joxer smiled, letting the normally volatile God know he was joking.

"Hey, I'm God of War, not God of Thieves and Liars.." Ares grinned.

"Maybe no one will notice.. you could always say, I dunno', that your parents chose your name, not you?" As he spoke, Joxer stepped slightly back and away from Ares, as if ready to run. Fearing his instant, painful demise he was unprepared for Ares' true laugh, a high pitched squeal of delight assailed the mortal's ears.

"It has the benefit of being true anyway!" Ares finally managed to say. Together they walked out of Ares' temple, just as the priests, who had been exiled while Joxer was ill, re-entered their God's place of worship. Finding no God, no mysterious warrior, they settled in to re-open the temple for general worship.

Ares and Joxer headed for the hustle and bustle of the night market. All the bright, interesting stalls, filled with trinkets and sweetmeats, delights for the adults out and about at night. As they strolled around the stalls, they never noticed the frantic group of four heroes, as they almost ran through the market towards the temple dedicated to Ares' Aunt Hestia. Nor did those same heroes notice either Ares, or Joxer.

A brightly coloured leather vest attracted Joxer's eye and he pointed it out to his companion. To Ares' eye, it was a hideous vision that reminded him of Joxer and his detox from his death attempt.

"Yeah, well, does remind me of you, like your basin to be exact." The God screwed his face up and showed his disgust at the offensive item.

Joxer paled as he looked at it again, this time with Ares' eyes, and he had to admit the God was right.

"Look, over there, that black one, much better!" Ares pointed towards the item of his choice, on a neighbouring stall. As he did so, someone ran into his back, bounced away, muttered something only Ares' Godly hearing caught.

"Sorry!" Iolaus muttered as he chased after his best friend, trying to reach him before Hercules did something stupid. As it was, Iolaus was grateful the young man he hit into wasn't going to pick a fight with him.

"But, it's black, you always pick black, try another colour for a change. Like this one!" A near hysterical voice squeaked in delight, distracting the young man in question.

"It's green!" A squeaky, scandalised voice announced, only to be followed by a loud burst of laughter..

In Hestia's temple, Xena and Gabrielle had asked the priestesses if they had any unidentified bodies brought in, in the last few days. They were dismayed to be told that, yes, they had. The group were lead towards a cold, marble clad room, where the remains of several people were laid out, covered by thin sheets.

One of them was a woman, definitely not Joxer, one of the others was no taller than Iolaus, not Joxer either, the third was as big as Hercules, yet again, not Joxer. The last one had no face, no clothes, brown hair .. It was at that point Hercules turned from the temple and ran through the lively market place, awash with guilt. It was left to Xena and Gabrielle to formally identify the body as not Joxer, it didn't have any of the scars they both knew adorned Joxer's body.

Not knowing whether to be delighted that the body was not Joxer, or just grieved that perhaps Joxer's body was still laying somewhere, unmourned, food for the carrion eaters; they too headed out the temple, looking for Hercules and Iolaus.

By the time Xena and Gabrielle reached the market, Ares and Joxer had found the dance area, and all the young women that stood around the edge, wishing someone would ask them to dance. Joxer tapped Ares' chest and nodded in the direction of two particularly attractive women.

"Come on, let's dance!" He dragged the surprised God towards the women he had targeted.

"I don't dance! Joxer, you listening to me?" The startled God squeaked in protest. Joxer halted in his action long enough to look at Ares and quiz him.

"You don't dance? My mother always said it was good for warriors to be able to dance. Good for their fighting, seeing as how dancing involves balance, rhythm, intricate movements and stamina." Joxer challenged the God with a look.

"I can't dance, okay? My mother never taught me anything but hate!" Ares was looking like Ares, God of War again. If the mood was not to be spoiled, Joxer had to act fast.

"Read my mind then. I can dance, if you read my mind then you'll be able to dance just like me!" They stood, face to face, Ares looking into Joxer's mind, his heart and soul.

And the God knew how to dance.

So they did. They made their way to the women Joxer had singled out, they asked, politely, lead them onto the dance floor and danced. For the first time, in so long a time Ares couldn't remember since when, Ares was enjoying himself. Enjoying a normal night out, doing normal, mortal, things, and having fun!

Meanwhile Hercules had been caught by Iolaus, who had in turn slowed them up enough for Xena to catch up too. The only one yet to join the little grief stricken group was Gabrielle, she had been drawn to the sounds of delighted squealing from the dance floor.

The music was lively, the dancers were energetic, she couldn't see much, she was too short to see over the people gathered around the dance floor. She did hear a laugh she thought she remembered..

"Ares!" She hissed, her quest for Joxer forgotten, she tried to imagine what perfidy the God of War could be up to on a dance floor!

She pushed through the crowd, traced the source of the laughter to a young man whirling around the dance floor, with a giggling young woman in his arms. She didn't recognise the cheerful young man, but he reminded her of someone .. someone Hercules had introduced them to.

Turning away, she left the area, just as Joxer danced towards the young man she had been watching, swapped partners and danced off with his friend, much to the ladies delight. The level of laughter rose, annoying Xena and Hercules, didn't these people care that they had killed their friend, and couldn't find his body?

"Where next?" Iolaus shouted over the noise from the dance floor.

"Asclepius' temple? If he was found even only just alive, he'd have been taken there." Hercules pointed out the temple which was in the other direction from the dance floor. It would be quieter over there anyway.

Ares pushed the laughing mortal away from himself and looked at their erstwhile dance partners, he grinned at the women, who grinned right back and came over to reclaim their dance partners. They danced some more, until Joxer's stomach threatened to rebel again.

He leaned into his partners ear and begged her forgiveness but he had to sit down. Looking at him, she saw it was the truth, her new acquaintance did seem green round the gills. The woman indicated for him to follow her as she lead the way over to the tables set up to cater for those eating and drinking.

Ares, being omniscient, well, almost omniscient, felt Joxer leave the floor. He also knew Joxer was feeling rough again, so he tried to excuse himself politely and follow the other two. Not being well versed in polite brush offs, and feeling that turning her to dust would simply ruin the mood, Ares had to put up with her following on behind. He rationalised his not killing her as her justified right to check up on her friend's activities. He had long had a soft spot for nosy busy bodies. They rather reminded him of his late nephew, Strife. Not that Strife ever looked good in a scarlet dress. Then again, he couldn't actually recall Strife ever wearing a scarlet dress, he might have actually suited it.. at which point the God of War tried to stop the image forming in his imagination.

Luck, or possibly his aunt Fortune, was with him, they found Joxer and his companion before the image of Strife and the dress in question fully formed in his head. The sight of the shaking again Joxer knocked everything else from his immediate thoughts.

"You look bad. Shakes again?" He asked, gently.

"Yeah!" Joxer mumbled from between clenched teeth, even then they chattered.

"Is he sick?" Joxer dance partner asked.

"Na, hungover, big style!" Ares told her and grinned, a somewhat impudent expression. The woman laughed at Joxer's discomfort.

Joxer just glared at the lot of them. Ares touched the mortal, he tried to curb this bout of the detoxification of Joxer's system, nothing happened. Ares looked as surprised as Joxer. He tied again, again nothing happened.

"Damn, think you've absorbed as much of my energy as you can tolerate for now, look, wait here and I'll go find my nephew Asclepius. He's got a temple the other side of the square. Don't move, don't drink okay?" Ares pushed himself to his feet and thought about using his powers to relocate himself. Then he realised, rightly so, that it would just terrify the mortal women for no apparent reason. So he walked over the square.

Having reached Asclepius' temple the four guilt ridden companions entered, wishing in turns that they did finally find Joxer's drink sodden corpse, and that they didn't find said corpse. A living healthy Joxer would maybe be too much to ask for.

As they watched the tall, young man walk away towards Asclepius' temple the women finally got around to introducing themselves.

"I'm Alecia, and this is Helen .. not the Troy one!" They giggled at the appalling joke, Joxer nodded, smiled somewhat strained, but smiled and pointed to himself.

"Joxer." He managed, taking a deep breath to calm his queasy stomach. Seeing his distress the ladies refrained from quizzing him about his friend's name.

In Asclepius' temple Hercules was shouting at the head priest. Shouting was certainly making him feel a bit better. The more the priest refused them, the more he felt that everything wasn't his fault.

"Look, it's a simple question. Do you have any dead bodies here, unidentified ones?"

"And I told you already, it's the day shift that deals with corpses, come back in the morning." The priest had had just about all he could take from this bunch. "Why don't you go bother one of the other temples, huh? Hestia, for one.."

"We've just been there!" Hercules snarled, shaking the unfortunate priest.

"Well, what about Ares' temple? Or Apollo's? Or Aphrodite's?" His teeth were clashing together with such force it was getting difficult to talk, so he finally shut up.

"Argh!" Hercules gave up in disgust and headed for the temple door, leaving the others to follow behind.

"He really does do the storming out in disgust bit remarkably well." Gabrielle observed.

"Yeah." Iolaus agreed and shrugged. "Years of practice." Then he turned to the priest. "Sorry about that, but Hercules doesn't take loss and grief rationally like you or I would. Probably a God thing." He smiled, shrugged again and felt the priests hand on his shoulder holding him back as the women left the temple after Hercules.

"Th.. that w..was Herc..cules?" The now terrified priest stammered.

"Yeah. Didn't he introduce himself?" The priest shook his head. "Oh, he forgets his manners when he's upset, sorry, again.." This time Iolaus broke free from the now nerveless hands that had stopped him.

"We only got three women and a man around sixty here." The priest whispered. "But I didn't tell you, right?" He held Iolaus' eye for a moment or two before bustling away on temple business elsewhere.

"Ok." Iolaus reassured his retreating back. "And thanks.." Then he too turned for the door and went to find his companions. In his rush to leave he bashed the door into the chest of the man entering the temple.

"Oomph!" The man hissed as the air was knocked out his lungs.

"Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to do that." Then he looked at the man before him. If he didn't know that Iphicles was a couple of weeks travel away in Corinth, he would swear the young man before him was Iphicles. "Look, do I know you?" He asked.

Ares rubbed his chest, if he were mortal that thump would leave a bruise. He wasn't paying too much attention when Iolaus asked him if he knew him, so he gave the hunter one of Aphrodite's 'duh' looks, and smiled, then caught himself and answered Iolaus verbally.

"Well, if you count running into my back and thumping my chest with a door as formal introductions, I guess you do know me!" Still slightly winded his voice was much softer than normal. "Now, if you excuse me I need to speak with .." He pointed in the building and lifted one eyebrow in disdain.

"Oh, right, sorry, about the door and earlier. Look, let me buy you a drink later, but I gotta find my friends, they're around here somewhere..Bye!" Iolaus took off like a scalded rabbit, leaving Ares to enter his nephew's temple in peace.

As he stepped over the threshold Asclepius couldn't fail to feel the presence of another Olympian in his temple. Oh, he had felt the presence of Hercules and Xena, but after Xena's messing with his priests he felt disinclined to speak to the woman, Hercules' temper precluded him too. Now his uncle was there, but Ares was a lot calmer than the others. Given that Asclepius had spent sometime dead as a result of pissing off Zeus somewhat royally, he tried to avoid angry Gods. It was a positive pleasure to attend his uncle in person. If Hercules came back, Ares could be relied upon to distract him till he could get safely away.

"Ares, to what do I owe this honour?" He asked, smiling welcomingly at his uncle.

"I got a friend over by the tables near the dance floor. He's seriously hungover, all but killed himself with drink a few night ago, but he's no longer responding to my powers. You got a potion or something to help along the recovery. The idiot doesn't want to die anymore.." Ares shrugged, smiled and waited.

"By all means." Asclepius held out a vial with a green liquid in it. "He'll have to drink it all, and avoid alcohol for a couple of days, but otherwise, it'll sort him right out!" Asclepius' mind was reeling again, Ares was dressed in white, clean shaven, smiling.. and had a friend. A friend? "So, is this some big league Warlord that had a bit too much?" Asclepius smiled too, as if making conversation.

"Nah, just a friend. Thanks!" Ares held up the vial and walked back the way he'd come. If Iolaus was there, you could bet your last dinar that Herc the jerk and Xena and Gabrielle would be there too. Well, they were not getting to rub salt into Joxer's wounds, not this time. He hurried back to the table with Joxer and the two women.

As he approached the table he saw that the women were keeping Joxer's mind occupied, talking, laughing, distracting him from how bad he felt. It was a nice gesture to someone they'd only just met, positively friendly.

He slipped into the fourth chair and handed over the vial.

"Here, drink it all down. And no alcohol for a few days either!" He unstopped the vial and all three watched Joxer drink the foul substance. Joxer screwed up his face in disgust at the taste and waved his hand at Ares, miming something.

"A drink, Joxer needs a drink!" Alecia said.

"Oh, right!" And without thinking, Ares produced a goblet of fruit juice from nowhere, right in front of the women's faces.

Uncaring of their shock, Joxer gratefully accepted the juice and drained it, finally taking in a deep, cleansing breath.

"Thanks Ares, that stuff was worse that the hangover." He spoke entirely without thinking.

"Ares?" Helen enquired. Looking at the pleasant man she had danced with earlier. This was a God, that she figured out with his magic, but this was Ares, the evil, maniacal God of War. The sweet, caring guy she had danced with earlier was, in fact, the horror she had heard the hero Hercules decry on his last visit there? "Like the God of War, Ares?" And of all things, Ares blushed, and nodded. "Aren't you supposed to be a psychopath or something?" It was Joxer who answered her.

"You've been listening to Hercules, haven't you?" He accused, but gently, more ribbing her than anything.

"Yeah, sorry Ares. Well, he never said you could dance like that, did he?" She laughed at herself, for believing Hercules, and Hercules for his blind bigotry.

"To let you into a secret, ladies, I've never danced with Hercules, he wouldn't know about that skill." Ares leaned over the table and whispered his pseudo confession. The women laughed.

"Alecia, Helen meet Ares, God of War, Ares, Alecia and Helen." Joxer indicated one to the others, formal introductions done they all settled back and, of all things, chatted for a couple of hours. Ares didn't mind creating more fruit juice for them all, nor light snacks for them to eat. He was actually having fun, something he simply couldn't believe he was doing. Talking, gossiping, with ordinary mortals.

Finally, he decided it was time Joxer retired for the evening, and he thought that the longer he sat there, the more likely Hercules would come along and disturb them, accusing him of all kinds of evil.

"We must be going, ladies, it has been a fun evening, but Joxer is still not fully recovered. Anyway, the longer I sit here the more likely 'A Hero' is to come along and rescue you from my evil schemes." Ares stood, smiled, helped Joxer up, and smiled again. The more he did that the easier it became.

"Oh, well, will you be at the night market tomorrow night?" Helen asked, perfectly willing to put up with Ares' form of corruption, if that was what Hercules would call it. Although two roast chickens and some lightly boiled vegetables didn't really seem all that evil somehow.

"Probably, till then, then?" Ares lead the now swaying with exhaustion Joxer back to his temple. Joxer staggered, even with Ares' help, and before they could blink, Alecia and Helen were there helping support Joxer's weight. "You don't have to do this." Ares pointed out quite seriously.

"Well, what are friends for?" Alecia asked.

"Oh, right." The dumb struck War God let them help him, all the way back to his temple. "I'd better take him from here. You'd risk your reputations coming in this temple, even in day light." Ares grinned, shrugged and looked momentarily sad.

"Sweet heart, if I worried about my reputation, I wouldn't have gone to the night market to dance, would I?" Helen pushed open the door and came face to face with chaos.

An elderly priest was nursing a broken nose with a blood stained square of cloth, he looked up at the group of young people entering the temple. Somehow he recognised his master right away.

"Oh, Lord Ares, your brother Hercules was here, looking for dead bodies. When I told him our honoured dead were none of his concern, he did all this." He indicated the mess he sat in, blood still trickling down his face.

Without a second thought, Ares reached out his powers and healed the priest, then he cleaned up the mess, all the broken statuary rebuilt itself, glassware, ornate candle sticks, ripped fabric, all of it.

"Don't worry yourself Philip, you get yourselves and Alecia and Helen here safely home. I'll deal with Hercules later." He bid them all a good night and went through the hidden door, that somehow Hercules never found, and put Joxer to bed.. this time the God left him there, confident that the mortal was no longer a risk to himself.

When he left the private quarters the rest of the temple was clean, tidy, quiet and empty. Securing the place against even Olympian intruders, he retired to his own chambers for some much needed sleep.

Back at the dance floor, Alecia and Helen were telling their friends about Ares, how he had been there, dancing, reminding them of who they had danced with. They told them about Joxer being sick, and Ares walking to Asclepius to fetch medicine. They didn't tell them Joxer was hungover. They did give a graphic description of the mess Hercules had made of Ares' temple, and of how the hero had beaten up an aged priest. By the end of the night a major ground swell was forming, in favour of Ares, and all but baying for Hercules' blood.

The following morning, found Joxer waking to discover, breakfast on a tray by his bed, and a scrawled note accompanying it. Sitting up, he reached for the fruit juice and read the note. Somehow he knew this was Ares' own hand writing. That fact impressed him more than the content of the note ever could.

Morning Mortal ... it began... Those four, well at least Iolaus and Herc the jerk, were in town last night. If you want to avoid them, stay put and rest up for this evenings search for new friends. Oh and follow the plan on the back and you'll find the temple's garden, I know, me with a garden, hey it's quiet, try it!... and was signed with a scrawl that looked like it ought to say Ares, but might have said Alvin, or Axx. But why would Ares initial a note with two kisses? Putting the note to one side Joxer finished his breakfast and dressed, ready to choose what to do with the rest of his day.

In the main hall, Ares, still clean shaven, but with his normal attire again, was dealing with more petitioners than he normally saw in a week. They weren't all asking for power for this and favour for that war. On the contrary, there had been several enquiries as to the well being of his elderly priest that Hercules had assaulted the previous night. There had also been a couple of invitations for himself and Joxer to attend parties. Even a dinner invitation from the local Magistrate. The man currently before him infact.

"Lord, are you sure you will not change your mind and prefer charges of assault against Hercules?" It was the strangest offer Ares had ever received.

"Positive, but thank you for the offer, Magistrate." The God of War was looking at the Magistrate in a calm way, what the man took for gentleness was in truth utter shock. No one, in all his long life, had ever offered to sue his relatives in the courts before. He himself had been sued, but never defended... it was somewhat unnerving.

His next petitioner got the full, bearded God of War look, it was Hercules himself.

"Busy day organising your carnage I see!" His half brother snarled, not actually bothering to find out what was going on, happy as always to prejudge the War God. The, still in shock - but not totally lost to reality, God of War looked at him.

"Not really. How about you, attacked any more unarmed sixty year old priests lately?" Ares asked, serenely.

"That's why I'm here. I didn't mean to hit him that hard. Now you stop all this business with these innocent towns people!" Hercules snarled again. It was obvious to the God, his priests and those townsfolk not allowed into the private audience, but amazingly able to hear it, that Hercules did infact mean to hit the priest to some degree. Obvious too that Hercules didn't want Ares to continue what he had been doing the previous evening. Since the towns people knew all he had done was go dancing, chat to a couple of town girls, and eat a meal with them; a meal he created no less, they wondered why Hercules would deny his brother some lively fun while out for an evening?

"You've lost me, stop doing what with them?" Ares asked, sweetly, gently.

"Whatever it is you're doing with them. Stop it or I'll stop you!" With that threat, Hercules left the temple.

"Stop what?" Ares called after his retreating half brother. Looking around himself, he decided it was lunch time, and that he would join his house guest for the midday meal. Loosing the beard again, and remembering to change his shirt too, Ares re-entered his private apartments, and sent word to the main hall that it was lunch time and he would be back to listen to more petitioners in two hours.

A quick search revealed that Joxer had elected to sit in the shade, in the garden and enjoy a quiet day, away from the outside world.

"Lunch?" The God asked, half distracted by Hercules' odd threat. "You'll never guess who just threatened me, and for what?" He challenged Joxer with a grin, as lunch materialised before them.

"The who would have to be Hercules, he's always threatening some God or another. The why, I can't guess. Sorry, you'll have to tell me that part." Joxer grinned, reached for an olive bit into it, bringing the stone out with his teeth. "I've always wondered why you Gods don't just swat Hercules?"

"In reverse order, he's daddies very favourite and he's allowed to 'swat' us but not us, him. And I've to stop doing what ever it was I was doing with the poor towns people, and he did mean to hit poor old Philip last night." Ares removed the stones from the olives with the power of his mind, collecting them into his hand and firing them off at the leaves of the tree beneath which they sat.

"That's unfair!" Joxer exclaimed. "He's so bloody opinionated, his way or he hits you, emotionally, physically whatever! Because your father lets him? I always knew he was a bully, but I never realised he was such a spoiled brat into the bargain." Joxer snarled. "Over grown two year old, spoiled brat, should have had his arse tanned a damn sight more often as a child..." Joxer mumbled himself to a standstill, still impugning Hercules' parenting, and his paternal lineage.

Ares just laughed, the very idea of a spoiled, bratty Hercules stamping his feet, declaring he wouldn't have his butt wrappings changed, Zeus said he didn't have to not stink of stale shit if he didn't want to!

Into their quiet lunch, chaos descended, in the shape of the God of Healing, Asclepius joined them.

"He's doing it again. Even after my night shift man broke the rules and told them who we had in the halls of the dead. That pea brained, lump of a hero is wrecking my temple!" he sat down beside his uncle and sighed deeply.

"You could always try complaining to Zeus, I know I won't bother though. It's not as if he'd listen to me, is it?" Ares created extra portions of lunch and handed them to his upset nephew. "There's the slim chance he'd listen to you though."

"I want nothing to do with Zeus, he's just as likely to kill me again as act on my worries." The Healing God noticed the mortal sitting quietly beside Ares. "Oh, didn't realise you had company, sorry!" He smiled, shyly, at Ares then Joxer.

"This is Joxer, he's the one I got the potion for last night. Joxer, Asclepius, my nephew." Ares pointed from one to the other.

"Joxer." Asclepius nodded, smiling shyly again. "Erm, feeling any better then?"

"Fine thanks, that potion did wonders. Thank you Lord.." Joxer's thanks were interrupted.

"No, no, don't bother with the Lord business. Can't stand that rubbish and pomp anyway." Asclepius' face lost its smile, he frowned instead. "You've been listening to that lame brained Hercules the hero, haven't you? 'The Gods only want your total obedience, the Gods only want you to paint all your sheep purple, the Gods only want to rule the world!' And all his other crap." Ares laughed at his nephew, not derisively, but in sympathy.

"He was here too, told me right off that he meant to hit my elderly priest last night." Ares lifted his drink to his pouty lips, eyes wide open, eyebrows attempting to merge with the back of his head. "Ha! Ha! Hitting a sixty year old priest, so heroic - I don't think!"

"Are you going to do anything with that trouble maker?" A new voice asked, and an elderly woman, or rather a Goddess appeared. Joxer was getting kinda used to it now.

"Aunty!" Ares cried in delight, jumped up and kissed his 'Aunty' on the cheek. "Don't tell me, you've had a visit from Hercules .. he didn't hit you did he?" Ares' voice took on a hard edge.

"Yes, I had a visit, no, he didn't hit me. Terrorised my temple staff however." She too created a chair and sat down. "Hello Asclepius, how are you my dear?" She asked the other God.

"Fine, now I've got away from HIM!" There was no doubting who HIM was. "This is Joxer, one of Ares' friends. He wasn't well yesterday."

"Yeah, right, Aunty Hestia, this is Joxer, Joxer, my Aunty Hestia." Ares indicated from one to the other, again, and sat back. Ares created even more lunch, seeing as how it looked as if he were going to have guests for the remainder of their meal break. "Help yourselves to food." He indicated the overflowing table. Asclepius and Hestia didn't require any second bidding, they tucked in.

"What's peeved him so much, all this business of looking for a dead body, has he developed a taste for cold, clammy, sex partners? Or rigid ones? Or gas ridden, exploding ones?" Hestia asked, quite disgusting Joxer with the mental images she was creating. Luckily, the God of Healing noticed.

"Uh, Aunty? I think you're upsetting Joxer, he's only a mortal, they have foibles about dead bodies.." He blushed and fell silent, thinking he had maybe upset one of the more powerful Goddess in the Pantheon.

"Oh, my! Joxer, do forgive me!" Hestia patted the mortal's hand, and settled his stomach for him into the bargain. Then she turned to her nephews. "Sorry boys, I didn't think, so Ares, why is Joxer here? I didn't know you had any mortal friends.." The way she said it left no one in doubt that she meant she didn't think he had any friends.

"He's the corpse Hercules is looking for, I think. He was insufferably rude to Joxer, him and Xena and the blasted Gabrielle... Joxer tried to, well, he tried to go move in with uncle 'H' a few nights back." Ares smiled over at the mortal that was rapidly turning into more than just his follower, but his friend too. "I saved him and he's been here ever since." The War God blushed, finer feeling were never expected from him, and normally his family would decry him for showing them.

"Quite right too, my dear. And I take it Hercules doesn't know Joxer is alive.. well, he wouldn't would he, if he's looking for a corpse. So, what did they do and say to you? Do you mind?" She waved a hand in Joxer's general direction, somehow conveying her desire to read his memories of what lead up to his suicide attempt.

"Go ahead, if I don't tell you, I'd bet Ares would." The mortal sat back and looked at the elder Goddess. She looked right back at him, and she knew all that had been said and done.

"The pompous ass!" She screamed. "Oh, my dear, poor fellow, what can I say? But apologise for Zeus never keeping his dick to himself. If he hadn't screwed that mortal trollop, then Hercules would be but a bad dream in our collective subconscious's... My dears, we have to fix his wagon, but good!" She glared at her fellow Gods, patted Joxer's hand and thought hard.

"I agree, but how? Father dearest would never sanction us lifting one finger to hurt him! And I, for one, am getting sick and tired of letting him win all the time! Spoiled, bloody brat that he is!" Ares leaned forwards, elbows on the table, head resting on upturned hands.

"I was told to never let him get sick, not one days illness has he known. Mark you, he actually has little patience for those not obviously injured. You know? If it ain't stabbed or broken or burned there's nothing wrong with you!" Asclepius also leaned forwards, echoing Ares' pose.

"Elbows!" Hestia slapped the table and both younger Gods jumped back, automatically. As they sat there thinking, yet another God arrived, unannounced, and totally unexpected.

"What is it with that man?" Hades stormed, pacing around Ares' private gardens. "I told him I did not know his precious friend, I didn't have the mortal, and if I didn't have him then that meant either he died outside Greece or.." He was interrupted, by a mortal no less!

"I'm still alive." Joxer said calmly.

"Hercules?" Ares asked?

"Shrine or Underworld?" Hestia asked.

"Have some lunch, it'll help settle your stomach." Asclepius pointed out, calmly, certainly much calmer than he actually felt. Hades stopped his pacing and looked at the group.

"Yes, you are alive, congratulations, being dead's not all it's cracked up to be. And yes, Hercules, and Shrine.. totally messed up the shrine on the road north of here. And, thanks, I think I will have some lunch." Hades created himself a chair and he too sat down.

"So, what's everyone doing here?" Hades asked, looking at the unusual group sitting in Ares' garden.

"Well, a few days ago, Joxer.. Oh, this is Joxer, Joxer, my Uncle Hades...Anyway, a few days ago Hercules, and Xena and her annoying friend Gabrielle drove him to try and move in with you.." Ares watched as his Uncle realised what Joxer had tried to do. Hades opened his mouth to speak but Ares rushed on. "Anyway, I saved his life, found out what had happened, and Joxer has been here ever since! And Hercules has been terrorising Temples ever since he arrived in town. About the only ones he hasn't upset yet are 'Dite and Apollo..." No sooner had Ares spoken, but another glow announced another arrival.

"Ar, you have to do something about Herc, he's gone totally loco. See, he ripped my dress!" 'Dite showed them all the tear in her dress where Hercules had grabbed her. "He's accusing me of hiding dead bodies.. it's so groddy, whose dead body is it anyway?" She sniffed, created a chair and spied the rest of the growing group in Ares' garden.

"My dead body." Joxer told her. "They were all very hurtful the other day, and I was very upset by it. So when I tried to drink myself to death, Ares found me and saved my life." The Goddess squealed in delight at Joxer's tale.

"Awesome Ar! You saved Joxie!" Aphrodite reached over the table and hugged both Ares and Joxer. "So why are you hiding from Hercules? Never mind, I can guess.. just how rude was he? Never mind, I can guess that too!" She sat back and looked at the food and drink on the table.

Ares created yet more food and wine and so on. He even had to extend the table quite a bit too, just to accommodate them all. This was an unusual occurrence, so many of his family hiding out in his garden, all at the same time.

Hestia patted her niece's hand, repaired the torn dress with a thought and passed onto her and Hades what Hercules and his friends had said to Joxer .. and what she thought they should do about things.

"Damn right!" 'Dite agreed, then fell silent as all the Gods tried to think of some way to get their own back on Hercules that wouldn't attract the wrath of Zeus. The warmth of the noonday sun, even in the shade of the trees, lulled them all, Gods and mortal into a calm, almost sleepy, state. Inevitably, they all fell asleep, reclined their chairs, including Joxer's chair, and dozed off. Ares was the last to notice himself dozing, such an activity was so just not him that he got up, left his family sleeping and returned to his temple and his duties there. He eventually returned to check up on them, and wake them up.

It was evening before they were woken up. Just in time for the night market to start ... but first dinner! For once in its existence Ares' great hall had more than himself and Joxer in it. For once in their lives, the other Gods didn't fail to notice that Ares' hall was empty, other than two lonely looking chairs before the great fire. The table he created was functional rather than ornate, but filled with food and drink. The chairs, however, were very ornate.

"Cool, Ar, what next?" 'Dite asked her brother.

"Well, Joxer and me are going dancing, if you change your dress, like a disguise, you can come too. Well, if Herc's there, it'll piss him right off, he told me this morning to stop what I was doing yesterday. All we were doing was dancing!" Ares sat and ate his meal, as did Joxer, one by one the others settled and changed, disguising themselves. It looked like they all wanted to dance and have fun, especially if it was at Hercules' expense.

"Since when do you dance then Ar? You always claimed you couldn't or just didn't or whatever!" 'Dite asked the clean shaven War God.

"Since Joxer taught me to dance. Ya' know, I hav'ta wonder why no one bothered to teach me how to dance before this though?" Ares muttered between bites.

"We tried." His Aunt Hestia told him, "For some reason, you are willing to listen to Joxer where you weren't willing to listen to us, ever!" She looked at him, long and hard, causing the defensive God to blush slightly. That blush made Ares look like a young child, almost.

"You obviously didn't show him right. It only took a minute, and then he could dance!" Joxer scowled at Hestia, remembered who he was scowling at and blushed too. Hestia, however was delighted at Joxer's spirited defence of Ares.

"You are no doubt quite right my dear. So, where is this 'night market' you mentioned?" Hestia asked.

"Who mentioned the night market?" Ares asked, suddenly suspicious.

"Sorry, sweetling, I think that was one of Joxer's memories I picked up earlier. So where is it anyway?" She asked, patting her nephew's wrist to soothe the God of War. As she did so, she realised, from his memories, how infrequently he was actually touched, unless it was a physical blow. "And I demand the first dance, my sweetling." She smiled and withdrew her hand from Ares' wrist, so as not to upset him too much.

"The other side of the big town square, and if you want the first dance, you can have the first dance Aunty." Ares tried a smile, just a little one, and was paid back with a broad grin from his aunt.

"Good boy, you were always such a good boy to your Aunty, weren't you?" She laughed and turned back to her meal.

"Well, Joxie, looks like I'll be able to claim the first dance with you then. Think we can out dance them then Studmuffin?" She nudged Joxer in the ribs and laughed at the shocked look on his face.

"Erm, I suppose, our friends Alecia and Helen might be there, should be a fun evening." Joxer tried to eat something, but panic had a hold of his throat muscles, either that or the image of the God of Fire holding him by the throat demanding to know why he was dancing with his wife.

The meal came to an end, along with it their sanctuary from Hercules' ridiculous behaviour. In more ways than one, it was now time to go face the music. Ares got up from his position at the head of his table and turned to assist his Aunty Hestia to rise from her place on his left. On his right Joxer was offering his hand to assist 'Dite to her feet. For their part, Hades and Asclepius cleared the table and settled the fire, generally tidied up, payment for Ares' graciousness as a host.

In the night market Hercules and his friends were having a rough time. They were constantly being knocked against, elbows digging in as mysterious voices giggled, their drinks spilt, feet trod upon. What was worse was that everyone who did something admitted their fault and begged forgiveness. Hercules felt his patience being drawn out almost too thinly, and something was going to snap.

"What is it with everyone tonight?" Iolaus demanded for the fortieth time that evening.

"Do you suppose that bar tender told them about Joxer?" Gabrielle asked, then thought silently for a few moments. "So typical of Joxer, isn't it? Even dead he's trouble!" Then, realising what she had said she tried to apologise. "Sorry, I didn't mean that the way it sounded.."

"What other way could you have meant it?" Hercules demanded.

"Hey, Joxer was our friend before he was your friend. You didn't even like him!" She replied in a spirited defence of herself.

"You didn't like him either!" Iolaus interjected, in Hercules' defence.

"And you did?" Xena asked.

"Yes I did. He was a sweet natured guy, and he loved just about everybody. Too naive to be a real fighter, but the determination to at least try. And that meant trying a lot harder than you or Hercules. You were both born with advantages, seeing as how you're both Demi-Gods and all that!" Iolaus realised he'd given away too much there.

"And how do you know that?" Xena asked.

"A Demi-God? Whose? I mean, who is your father?" Hercules stared at his former lover, with something akin to shock on his face.

"I heard from the Furies last time I saw the girls.." Iolaus drifted off into a lust filled memory as Hercules and Xena both looked at him as if he had suddenly sprouted horns and wings and turned green into the bargain.

"Ares." Xena said, so caught up in her shock she admitted the truth with out prevarication.

"ARES!" Hercules shrieked.

"Yes, so?" Xena challenged him. Recalling how Ares' one mention of the possibility of his being her father, was to tell her how proud he would be to be her father. As far as she knew, that was a lot more than Zeus had offered to Hercules.

"Nothing, I just mean...ARES!" he shrieked slightly less overtly, but not by much.

"Is an old fart like Zeus any better a father?" The Warrior Princess asked.

"No, but he's at least not Ares." Hercules hatred for his half brother was just so obvious that it was in danger of stretching to include said half brother's children.

"He's a damn sight better looking than Zeus, for one thing." Gabrielle muttered, defending her friend's father in an odd, round about sort of a way.

"Long or short haired version?" Iolaus asked, taking a detour in his lust focused memories.

"Short, makes him look nastier somehow, more 'I mean business, and my business is death' kind of thing." Gabrielle told the hunter.

"Hm, yes, have to agree with you, the long hair looked just too much like a cross bunny. What with him always having to flick it out of his way!" Iolaus mimed the War God's action. The blonde woman laughed at his depiction of Ares. The other two just sat amazed, amazed that either of their companions had paid that much attention to Ares, and actually had a preference as to his physical appearance.

"Are we staying for the dancing then?" Iolaus asked Hercules, hope shining in his eyes.

"You really want to stay for the dancing? Given how 'warmly' we've been received here? Given that Ares seems to have them all under the sway of his powers somehow?" The hero asked in turn, sure that given his prejudices, and his slant on the facts, that Iolaus would cave, as always.

"Yes I do!" Iolaus sat back, folded his arms and looked very determined. "You always have objections to dancing, you'd think you couldn't dance? Can you dance?" Iolaus asked in turn.

"As a matter of fact I can dance!" Hercules was again on the defensive, not a position he liked, it was much harder to bully people from that point, no, he meant persuade them, not bully, no, not bully. Ares bullied, he persuaded. They were different.

In the end he caved, they stayed and Iolaus was happy, for a short time at least.

At the other side of the dance floor Ares and his companions arrived, created their own table and chairs, quietly, in the background and sat, with their own wine, and waited for the dancing to start. As the first chords were struck Ares stood, offered his Aunt his hand and lead her to the floor. Remembering his promise, Joxer did as much for Aphrodite. Both couples danced to the lively jig, enjoying the diversion immensely.

At the sounding of those first chords of the first dance, Iolaus dragged Gabrielle onto the dance floor. She was laughing, as much in relief from the temporary cease in hostilities as anything. To prove his point Hercules escorted his 'niece' onto the dance floor. Yes, the hero could dance, technically accurate in every step, but so lacking grace and flare that Xena looked longingly after Iolaus and Gabrielle's wild flight.

As all the couples swayed and swirled to the music they passed each other, frequently, the Gods knew and noticed, the Demi-Gods didn't and the mortals didn't even care if they did or didn't, so long as the band played that well. Half way through the dance Ares tracked down Joxer and 'Dite and swapped partners. Ares danced off with a squealing Dite and Hestia danced away with a happy chuckling Joxer.

After the first set of dances Ares and Dite crossed to their table while Hestia dragged Hades onto the dance floor, and Joxer found Helen from the night before and asked her to dance.

From his post at the table Asclepius followed Hercules and Xena as they left Iolaus and Gabrielle to the dance floor.

Alecia walked up to the War God and hugged him, briefly.

"Hi Ares, where's Joxer? Is he feeling better tonight? Oh, I didn't realise you had friends with you tonight.." Ares caught her wrist, as she tried to back away from the table, and sat her down to his left, right next to Asclepius.

"This is my nephew Asclepius, and my sister Aphrodite, guys, this is Alecia, a friend of Joxer's and my acquaintance, and a very good dancer." Ares smiled at her and she blushed bright red as she nodded at the Goddess of Love then the God of Healing... Asclepius had the greenest eyes she had ever seen.

"Wow, you have lovely eyes.." Then she really blushed, as did Asclepius.

"Thank you..." He mumbled, smiling shyly at the young mortal woman.

Joxer and Helen arrived.

"See who I found.. Alecia, how are you tonight?" Joxer sat down, opposite Alecia, once more subconsciously taking the seat to Ares' immediate right. Aphrodite noticed and grinned, not minding moving for one second. She was having too much fun playing at being a mortal and seeing her speciality bloom before her very eyes. Even if they didn't realise they were falling in love, any of them.

Soon enough Hestia and Hades joined them and more introductions were performed. Helen was amused at her friends obviously smitten gaze that never once tracked away from Asclepius. For her part she just enjoyed the company of these Gods, and felt like their equal. Not once did any of that company call her stupid, a mere woman or even a mortal. She just enjoyed herself, dancing when asked with whichever male asked her to.

Then the talent contest started, and with it all of the lower level of Hades domain came along with it, or so it seemed.

"A comic song contest? Sounds like a laugh, you've a good voice on you Ares, why not enter?" Hestia asked her nephew, holding his eyes as she spoke. Filling his mind with images of an irate, possibly panicking Hercules, that she over rode his natural good sense.

"But what should I sing about?" Ares asked in all seriousness.

"Oh, remember that time you got lost while visiting me? You went off to play and no one knew where you were?" Hades suggested.

"I was little more than a baby then.." Ares pointed out, reasonably.

"So, cast your mind back a bit then. You stank for a week!" Hades laughed, a full bodied belly laugh, the first one he'd enjoyed in years.

"Why did he stink?" Helen asked from her position to Hades' left.

"Cerberus... all three heads have dreadful halitosis." The God of the Dead laughed again. "And very long tongues." He concluded, the mental images in the rest of the tables occupants heads did the rest.

"All right, all right, I'll do it, but only to annoy Hercules, okay!" Ares held up two hands to indicate his defeat. He crossed to the judges and put his name forward as a contestant. The judges tried to offer him the prise at that point but Ares insisted they were honest about things. There would be no point to it if he didn't get to annoy Hercules, and he could only do that if he got up on stage and sang. Not that he told the judges that, there were limits to being truthful and honest! The judges just thought he was being so fair minded and down right, not as evil as Hercules kept telling people he was.

Ares looked at the hideous statuette and hoped he didn't win it, it was that ugly, in his opinion. He returned to the table and sat with Hades and Hestia recalling the incident in question. Planing a special effect to be operated by one of them.. the guest appearance of his mother to finish his act.

Finally it was his turn, and the fun started almost as the first letter of his name was announced. Hercules was on his feet ready to fight everyone, and Ares did nothing at all, he just smiled sweetly at the judges and offered them an apology for his half brother's atrocious manners, quietly pointing out the Demi-God hadn't been raised correctly.

When offered the service of the musicians, Ares turned them down, creating a drink each for the mortal musicians, saying he'd provide his own music.

The music started up, Xena recognised the music, she sat up right in her chair, then she recognised the dance Ares did with some woman from the audience. Gabrielle remembered hearing that music somewhere before. As he and Helen moved around the dance floor, Ares' dark, sweet voice reached every ear, including Hercules' where the hero was being sat upon by Iolaus. Xena, however, was muttering under her breath that, that was their dance!

Ares sang...

I was lost and alone, aged around three

In Hades domain with them all looking for me

I'd wandered away, was gonna stay late

With the great big dog who was guarding the gate.

Now heed my advice, avoid at all cost

Dealing with a dog with more heads than your host

Each one slobbered wetly

As it smelt into me

Unleashed the power of its breath over me

I'd proved to myself, that I rather liked dogs

But mother just beat me

Using several big logs

She didn't trust Cerberus not three heads or one

She was quite panicked when his licking was done

I'd let the dog lick and play all around

He'd bring back the dead, dropin' them on the ground

Imagine how awesome his dog breath to be

I stank to high heaven

Cerberus smelt onto me...

Hades created an image of Hera who sang...

Did you think I'd approve

Of your playing with a friend

Your a War God my Ares

Your childhood's at an end

Let go

A three headed dog will never be your pet

So you can just - let go

The audience loved it, they screamed encore, they clapped, applauded, whistled. Ares stood there, looking every inch shy and innocent, smiling to his family and friends. Unable to contain his delight in Ares' singing, Joxer ran forward to hug the God, congratulating him on his success. Ares hugged right back, holding on as if to a lifeline.

Hercules got really angry!

More than that, Hercules got absolutely livid. After days of anxiety and guilt, there before them was Joxer, not dead after all! To make matters worse, he was hugging the very image of evil incarnate, and Ares was hugging back. Then Ares and Joxer were swallowed up in a wave of Godly arms, hugging and congratulating, and the group hug transported itself to the edges of the crowd, back to their table once more. Now that he knew where they were, Hercules felt a strong wave of either righteous indignation or wind swell in his gut. He made for his family's table with his own, small, entourage in tow.

"So, no wonder we can't find Joxer's body, its been wrapped around Ares all this time! No doubt laughing at our heartbreak and sorrow!" Hercules was shouting, every one at the night market heard the Demi-God, especially the Gods and their mortal companions.

Ares and his family members rose to greet Hercules and his friends. Leaning down, the despicable War God asked the mortals if they wished to retreat to somewhere safer, in case Hercules decided he wanted another fight. He was still reeling from the wave of belief and support the three mortals sent his way when Hercules arrived. Red of face, short of temper, none existent of brain, had anyone ever asked Ares' opinion, which they never had.

"He's not very bright, is he?" Helen asked the Gods in general.. "I mean, tackling ALL of you? And why? Because Ares sang a funny song! What kind of reason is that to start a fight?"

"A Herculean one." Joxer told her and stood at Ares' left side. Dite had taken her position to Ares' right. "This is as much my fight as it is yours." He told the stunned God.

"I thought it was a stupid reason for a fight." Ares pointed out.

"That's what I said, a Herculean reason, he doesn't fight for real reasons, just his own imagined ones." Joxer fell silent as he saw Hercules' face go from red to purple to almost black.

"You'd better breath soon, Hercules, or you'll pass out. You're not a God, you can't hold your breath like that for very long." Asclepius pointed out from the rear of the group. Aphrodite giggled, right in Hercules' face.

"So, Herc, frightened any more Temple staff today?" She asked.

"Keep out of this, 'Dite, it's none of your concern. It's between Ares, Joxer and us!" He indicated his companions who were fanning out to face the Gods in whatever battles were to come.

"Oh, I beg to differ.. it's all our concern, after all, you terrorised our staff, not them, they didn't do it, just you!" She stood there, hands on hips, body covered for once, looking mean, lean and pissed right off!

"Ares!" Hercules snarled, choosing to ignore his sister, which, if he had asked the Gods, he would have been told is frequently a fatal error. "Why have you lied about Joxer? What have you done to him? Joxer, don't believe his lies, Ares God of Lies and Coward's Games!" Hercules sneered at his brother.

That was about as much as Hestia and Aphrodite were going to tolerate, seeing as they both new the whole truth, from Joxer's own memories, and they could avow that they had not been changed, not one second of them!

"Hercules, be quiet!" Hestia commanded. "Return to your table and leave us to enjoy our evening entertainment." She pointed behind the quartet of do-gooders, hoping they would take the hint and go. They didn't take hints, they were heroes!

"Let Joxer speak for himself? Joxer, what do you have to say on the matter?" Hercules stared at the mortal, as if trying to force the words he wanted to hear from his so called friend's mouth.

"Well, let's see? Gabrielle told me, in no uncertain terms, what she thought of my love for her, in fact she laughed. Told me she didn't actually hate me, but would never feel for me anything even remotely like what I felt for her. So, it was a slap down, I've had my share of them, so what. Then, Xena tells me to choose either her friendship or my family. My family? She imprisoned my brother Jett, he's locked up with our father, my mother is dead, and so that leaves Jayce. So, what she's saying is, that she can't handle guys who do guys, so why you two are with her, I don't know. It's okay for you to stick your cocks up each other's backsides, but not my brother! Then, to cap it all off, and make my day abso-fucking-lutely complete you, oh mighty Hercules, tell me to my face, that I am no use to anyone and that you all just put up with me because I'm too bloody thick to take the hint and leave you all alone. So, in one day I had my heart ripped out, my family condemned without a trial, and me with them, just for supporting my brother's right to love whom he chooses, and the very foundations that allowed me to put up with all your shit, tumbled to dust. Is it any surprise I tried to kill myself?" Joxer turned away from his ex-friends. As he did so he turned towards Ares who lifted his left arm to shelter Joxer against him. He could feel the mortal tremble, and thought it was with grief for loosing his friends in such a public and embarrassing way, until he realised Joxer was thinking about Herc and Iolaus and laughing at what he imagined Xena's reaction to be.

It was too much, Ares caught Joxer's eye and laughed.

"You have a wicked imagination!" The War God spoke aloud and showed his family, except Hercules and Xena, the image he picked up from Joxer..

That was a big mistake. Hercules didn't like being laughed at, and somehow, even when you didn't tell him he was the butt of the joke, he always knew! Xena wasn't happy either, having her prejudices called into the open like that. She looked at Hercules and Iolaus instead of Ares and the other Gods. She felt sick to her stomach.. had both men had their dicks up each other's arses, and in her? The tension was too much and she slapped Hercules up the back of his head.

"Ow!" Hercules squeaked. Turned to Ares and punched him "You're controlling her, stop it, she might be your daughter but she is not your puppet!" As he reached for Ares again a hand slammed into his face and forced him up and away from Ares. It had been 'Dite.

"For fuck sake, grow up!" And she hit him again, this time sending him over the entire dance floor. "She has her own failings, like you and the rest of the mortals in this world.

"Nice right there big sis!" Hades told her.

"And the left was good too!" Ares agreed.

"Sis?" Iolaus said, somewhat lost. "I thought she was Herc's sister, your niece like.."

"I know a sister from a niece, I might lead a sheltered life, but I'm not altogether stupid!" Hades stepped towards Iolaus, then he lowered his voice. "You're still on borrowed time, sunshine, borrowed from me, be careful or I might decide I want it back!"

"No, that's not fair, you gave him life, you can't go changing your mind." It was Ares who defended Iolaus. "But if you think he's wasting his gifts, you can arrange for that life to teach him a lesson. A painful one!"

"Like what?" Hades asked.

"Like they could run out of lube and never find any more, ever again?" Ares asked his still irate 'Aunty' Aphrodite.

"Can be arranged!" Then she punched Iolaus too, and he fell on the once more crossing the dance floor Hercules, they both fell in a heap.

"I have to admit, I always thought Aphrodite was your sister, not you're aunt. What gives?" Joxer asked Ares, then waved a hand to keep him quiet. "No, wait, wasn't she born fully grown, but from your grandfather's private bits, much later.. well after Zeus took over?" Joxer looked from Ares to Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love smiled at him and nodded, encouraging the man to figure it out for himself. "So, when you turned up, a blank slate, adult but essentially a child. Zeus adopted you? You kinda grew up with Ares and the others?"

"JOXIE!" She squealed, delighted with him, kissed him, hugged him, and turned to face Hercules. "OH, go away!" And she pushed her powers at him and Iolaus and they vanished. "And you two!" She did the same with Xena and Gabrielle, sending them to join the others.

"Where's you send them?" Joxer asked, awe-struck.

"Just a days walk away, I don't have the power to send them much further, sorry, they'll be back, hot, rancid, ready to fight tomorrow night, again." Aphrodite felt timid arms hug her gently, and turned her face to find Joxer, hugging her.

"Never mind, it'll give us a day to think up a real stinker of a surprise for them." Then he turned from her to Ares. "So you'd better start being devious and think of something good!"

"We live to serve!" Ares bowed, laughed and Joxer blushed.

"Shows over people, they won't be back tonight again, so where's the music, let's party!" Aphrodite started the party going again.

"Want to dance with me then?" Ares asked, shyly.

"Sounds good to me." Joxer blushed.

"Come on." Ares pulled him onto the dance floor, before he could put himself off the idea with embarrassment. He took Joxer in his arms and they danced, sort of. slowly, face to face, arm in arm, eye to eye.

"You wanna disgust Xena tonight.. well.. if she were here to disgust, that is?" Joxer asked hesitantly.

"Is she really that much of a prude?" Ares asked, kissing Joxer's cheek.

"Sometimes, when the mood takes her.. actually more often than not. Oh, she tells Gabrielle that she loves her, kisses her now and again, but won't do anything else with her ... that's strictly for men and women to do together. Gabrielle has been gagging for it, for years." Joxer shrugged. "Fuck them, if they can't live their own lives, I've had enough of them living mine!" And he leaned in and kissed Ares, feeling quite bold in his actions.

Back at their table Hestia leaned over to speak to her sister.

"'Dite, my dear, did you just give Ares and Joxer a push?" She whispered her question.

"Just a tiny one, I want Ares ready to defend Joxer to the hilt tomorrow, and he's ever so fond of Joxer, and Studmuffin's ever so fond of him too. Don't they look so good together.. having sex on the dance floor.." 'Dite did a double take and mentally sent Ares and Joxer to Ares' temple. "I didn't push that hard!" She blushed as she faced the other Gods.

"Maybe they didn't need the push?" Hestia asked, smiling.

"Studmuffin and Ary, ain't they a bitchin' pair? What power!" She sat back, happily enjoying the resultant energy emanating from Ares' temple. Being a generous soul, she spread it around, letting them all taste it.. mortals included..

The resultant orgy was enjoyed by one and all.

In his temple, in his private room, Ares broke their kiss long enough to ask one question.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Damn right I am!" Joxer retook Ares' mouth in a crushing kiss, making the God of War almost whimper at its intensity.

Almost without ending that kiss they stripped off their shirts, pulling each other into an embrace of skin on skin, with hands and nails dragging over sensitised flesh, drawing out muffled gasps and groans, as they continued to kiss, desperate to imprint the taste of each other on their memories.

"Bed!" Ares groaned and whispered to Joxer.

"Fuck, yes!" Joxer replied.

At that command Ares lifted Joxer and carried him to his bed, bigger and deeper than the one Joxer had previously used. Laying him down he stood by the bed and just looked at Joxer for a full minute.

Looking up into lust crazed, dark eyes, Joxer smiled at the delight he saw there, Ares was so beautiful, he reached out a hand, to capture that perfection, and pulled it down, on top of himself, willingly, wantonly.

"I want you." He whispered.

"You got me!" Ares told him, stroking his hands down Joxer's body, sitting up, straddling Joxer's legs, he explored the willing body before him. Learning it's curves, its pleasure spots, its size and shape. As he dragged his hands over the alluring bulge in Joxer's leather pants they were both suddenly naked.

Ares kneeled up, taking his weight on his hands and knees, looking down at Joxer. Bracing himself on his hands he let his legs slip, slowly descending, until their bodies were aligned. That first touch of their cocks, together, sent wave after wave of desire and delight through both of them.

Joxer moved his legs, slowly, until Ares' legs were between his, giving the God the silent command, telling him what he wanted of his God, giving him everything that he was.

Ares finally moved, rubbing their bodies together, kissing Joxer, enjoying the feeling of hands stroking his back, not hurting him, no pain. So many lovers, for so many centuries thought that all that the War God could like was pain and suffering, this act had long since lost its thrill. A thrill his body was reawakening to.

Their kisses and movements sped up, becoming almost frantic, their first orgasm coming too soon. But it had to, they had to burn off some of that energy or they would melt, never make it through the night.

"How do you want me?" Ares asked, when he could, looking down at a very happy Joxer.

"Every way you can think about, and then some!" Joxer grinned.

"Oh, fuck!" Ares laughed, dropping his head for a new kiss.

"Sounds about right!" Joxer wriggled, showing his God his devotion, and his brand new erection.

The second time Ares came in Joxer, the unadulterated joy he felt in that one simple act, almost making him weep.

The third time, Joxer came in Ares, binding them together, for always.

The forth time, they came together, stroking each other's bodies, learning everything about pleasuring each other.

The fifth time was in their dreams, even asleep they loved each other. Tangled together in a twisted heap of flesh, not knowing where one started and the other ended. And not caring either way. They slept and dreamed together.

Morning arrived really slowly, warmly, welcoming them to their new relationship, their new commitment.

Right after their first, slow, languid kiss, their first benediction of their first whole day together .. Aphrodite arrived, beaming at them, crying for them, with a plan she wanted to run past Ares...

"Hi guys, boy, you two give a girl one fuck of a rush!" She kissed each startled face, then turned to business. "I've had an idea, and I want to know what you think of it.." She created breakfast for them all, and sat on the bed beside a shocked Joxer and a stunned Ares.

"Erm, what idea?" Ares asked, looking for something to say that wouldn't upset Aphrodite and risk spoiling his new love life with Joxer.

"Cool Ar, so cool!" 'Dite giggled then looked him in the eye. "Listen up Studmuffins..."

As they materialised, a day's walk from Ares and the other Gods, just as Aphrodite said they would be, an argument broke out. Blame and hot words flew thick and fast.

"All he did was sing, and this time there was no damn prize basket and piece of Chronus stone, or any damn thing for him to win. Just that truly hideous statuette." Iolaus ground out, snarling at his lover. "What is it about Ares that you simply can't see him having fun?"

"Fun?" Hercules screamed at his lover. "You think that that was all Ares was doing? His idea of fun begins and ends with mortals dying!" What the hero didn't see was the effects his words were having on Ares' erstwhile daughter. Granted she was rather fond of his occasional seduction attempts, it was like a comfortable cloak, something she could wrap herself in and shut out reality, and here was her 'uncle' impugning her father like he was less than a mad dog!

"Bull shit!" She said, measuring her argument carefully. "You know, I just realised something, you really don't know Ares at all, do you? All these years you've been wittering on about how evil he is. Ares this, Ares that, and you knew nothing!"

"Ares is the God of War, Xena, not God of warm squishy feelings and tenderness!" Gabrielle sided with Hercules. All her years of waiting for Xena to ravish her finally shown up as a waste of her time, she decided it was time to look elsewhere.

"Illusia? Did you really believe Solan did that? And he could do that how exactly? A dead, prepubescent mortal boy? It was Ares, Gabrielle, I thought you'd have realised that by now." Xena shook her head sadly at her companion's blindness.

"Illussia?!" Gabrielle whispered, emotively. As always, when rational thought fled her fixed little mind, she tried for dramatic effect. And also as always, failed.

"You got a sore throat?" Iolaus asked her, looking concerned.

"No!" She hit him and moved to stand beside Hercules. "I believe you, Hercules, even if they don't!" She gazed up at the hero with something akin to genuine hero worship in her eyes.

"Thank you, Gabrielle." Hercules intoned, quite seriously, ignoring her blatantly sexual look, for the moment. The vague thought that she obviously didn't know that every time he loved a woman she died, except for Xena but he now knew she was a Demi-God too. He also now knew she was his niece, which made him as bad as the full Gods he impugned so readily. But he ignored that, as best he could.

"Look, as I see it, Ares probably found Joxer dying from too much drink, he fixed him up and is looking after him for some reason." Iolaus tried to be reasonable, again. He failed, again.

"And why would my evil brother do a thing like that, huh?" Hercules loomed, there was no other word to describe his stance, hands on hips, glowering visage, the lot.

"Maybe he's lonely?" Iolaus guessed, if he but knew it, spot on with his rationalisation. The twin looks of complete indifference to Ares' potential loneliness that he received, from both Hercules and Gabrielle, disheartened the hunter.

"He's the God of War, he doesn't have any feelings." Hercules snarled.

"That's just so much shit!" Xena shouted. "I've seen him, a God, a mortal, half way in between, he has feelings, deep ones. He can feel pride in something other than war and his own prejudices!" She folded her arms, pouted and looked remarkably like her father at that moment. She took comfort knowing it was she herself that he took pride in, and her strength of character to constantly refuse to return to his service.

"I am not prejudiced!" Hercules screamed out, arms flung wide he looked to the stars in the heavens for support... in the distance an owl hooted, a rabbit broke cover and ran for it, the owl took its booty home to its chicks, other than that the night was still and quiet. As if the entire world was bent on ignoring Hercules the best it could.

"Yes you are." Iolaus told him, quietly, so quietly that the hero could ignore him, again. "I'm heading back, now, stay or come with me, either way I don't really care right now." Iolaus turned towards the town and started walking, followed by Xena, Gabrielle stayed behind, supporting Hercules in this one!

Hercules started a fire for himself and Gabrielle, snuggling the blonde woman close to him to conserve their body heat. He would wait till dawn and lead his friend back to face Ares and the other God, then he would extract revenge for this nights humiliation.

Xena and Iolaus headed slowly and carefully back from whence they came. They would be back by breakfast time, tired but not totally exhausted. Well ahead of Hercules and Gabrielle.

While Xena and Iolaus were still an hour away, Aphrodite explained her idea to Ares.

"It's simple Ar. I want you to go for the popular sympathy vote. Everyone saw you and Joxie last night, everyone knows what you two did last night. Such energy, damn it Ar, I had to do something with all that power you guys were feeding me!" She stopped talking, closed her eyes, and recalled every nuance of power her brother and his new lover had generated the night before.

Ares coughed, to attract her attention as well as try and clear his throat in an attempt to speak without squeaking.

"Your plan?" he managed, sounding reasonably like himself.

"Oh, well, I want you to look preggers Ar. Like outta here with Joxie's sprog." She indicated the extent of the bump she envisioned on her fellow God.

"Pregnant? Me? Why?" Ares did squeak. Never let anyone tell you other wise. The God of War was panic stricken at the very idea of even remotely being seen as a pregnant, domesticated, well fucked God.

"Because Herc will hit out before he looks, you know this to be true. He always acts first and thinks three weeks the following Friday, it's how he is!" Dite smiled, softly, winsomely, "It'll only be a fake pregnancy, to get public support away from Herc the Jerk and onto you, Ares, God of War, who lost his baby to Hercules..." She held Ares' eyes, letting her mind talk directly to his. Making promises to him that it would work. Showing him Herc's guilt trip after he found out he'd killed Ares' unborn baby.

Ares tried showing her how angry Herc would be with her, after he found out it was all her idea and that there never was a baby.

Joxer looked on in confusion, slowly eating his breakfast, thinking over all Aphrodite had said.

"If some one were to tell Hercules that Ares was pregnant before he could hit Ares, he'd not hit Ares, he'd wait for the baby to be born first." The would be hero pointed out.

"Ah!" Ares nodded, pointing towards Joxer and grinned. "See, Joxer knows a faulty plan when he hears one."

"We make sure he doesn't get told, we can keep them isolated, so long as they stick together as a group." Dite cast her mind out to Hades and Hestia, neither of whom were concerned with childbirth or pregnancy, but were willing to help Dite bring her plan to fruition.

"Ok." Ares said, without checking the group was infact sticking together in the first place.

Hades and Hestia arrived, took up positions around the bed and joined their powers to Dite's. Just as the Love Goddess was about to create her illusion Asclepius dropped by.

"What ya' doing?" He asked.

"Making Ares pregnant." Hades told him.

"Oh, he loves Joxer then?" Asclepius asked.

"Sure does Ace!" Dite told him. And, if Aphrodite said Ares loved the mortal Joxer, then it had to be true. "We're going for a one month in one hour kinda effect here. I've just got to visualise it.." She stopped talking as Asclepius filled her mind with just what she needed to know, under the circumstances. A month an hour was somewhat unusual, but Ares was a strong healthy God, he'd cope!

Perhaps they should have told him just what, exactly, was the plan.

The truth came out, as truth always does, two hours after Iolaus and Xena arrived back in town. They got themselves a twin room at the inn, freshened up, ate breakfast, muttered darkly about their companions, and headed over to see Ares, to apologise.

In Ares' dining hall the War God was sitting at the table, Joxer, in a mild state of shock at the Love Goddess' plan, sitting at Ares' right hand, his family sitting around the new table, staring at him as he ate. Everyone knew Ares hated the taste and texture of Ambrosia, loathed the stuff infact. It was one of the reason's mortals could sometimes injure the God, he didn't eat enough of the Godly food to protect himself. Yet, there he was, sitting there eating his fourth bowl of the stuff.

"Guys, ya' really have ta' try this, it's brilliant!" Ares said as he scooped up yet another piece of the pink stuff and dipped it in honey then almonds then, of all things, salt.

"Ar, that's Ambrosia." Dite told him, wondering if he knew what it was he was eating.

"I know!" Ares replied, between bites as he finished the fourth bowl and created a fifth one.

"But why are you eating it? You don't like it." Hades tried asking the questions, maybe his dark natured nephew would talk to him, after all they had more contact, professionally speaking, than the others did.

"I just got this craving!" Ares told him, then took a large, dripping bite of Ambrosia.

"It's to be expected, what with the bizarre time constraints you put on his body. Of course he needs to eat all that Ambrosia, the baby needs it." Asclepius told the group.

A sea of silence washed over the God of Healing, even Ares stopped chomping.

"Baby?" Ares finally squeaked.

"Yes." Asclepius replied.

"It was supposes to be a fake, empty pregnancy." Aphrodite yelled at the God of Healing.

"No one told me." Which was the truth, Asclepius was right on the button there.

"Terminate it!" Dite demanded.

"Can't, he's been eating Ambrosia all morning, that makes it a God or a Goddess, so I can't terminate it. Zeus' rules!" The God of healing backed up, away from the table, he felt sure his life was over and four senior Gods would kill him where he stood, trembling.

Three of the four Gods stood and faced Asclepius, the fourth, younger, pregnant God fainted. It was only Joxer's quick reactions that stopped him from crashing down, possibly hurting himself or the baby.

It was at that moment that a senior priest entered the room, after dutifully knocking, to inform them that Xena was in the main temple hall demanding to see her father. With Iolaus by her side, and no Hercules and Gabrielle weren't with them.

As the aged priest saw his God lying deathly still on the dining hall floor, surrounded by shocked Gods and lying in the arms of his mortal lover into the bargain; he did what mortals all would do. He panicked, he ran screaming into the assembly hall and coming face to face with the only two occupants, Xena and Iolaus.

"Oh Gods, oh sweet Gods, it's Ares, he looks, I think he's, he looks like he's dead, or something!" Then he fainted, much, if he only knew it, like his own dear God had, as a direct result to his shock.

"Ares dead?!" Iolaus asked no one, in a profound state of shock himself at the news. He'd always thought Ares would be around for ever. Had something happened, maybe to the other Ares, the Love God one?

"Come on, this way!" And Xena lead Iolaus to what had previously looked like a blank wall, where every time he's been in Ares' temples with Hercules he'd seen nothing, now Iolaus was seeing the door.

They ran through the door, down the corridor behind it and into the room with the greatest degree of screaming coming from it. There, huddled by the end of an enormous table lay Ares, in Joxer's arms with several other Gods screaming back and forth above the prone God of War.

"Daddy?" Xena squeaked, for the first time in her entire life, she squeaked! She put it down to the shock of seeing her father deathly still, on the floor before her, which was natural; the death threats she made, should any one comment on it, were not quite so natural however.

Xena and Iolaus helped Joxer lift the prone God of War and carry him through yet another door and finally into Ares' own bed chamber. The Warrior Princess checked his neck and was amazed to find that Gods had heart beats. Not to mention over joyed to find out her father's heart still beating, even if it was far too slowly. It was at least speeding up, Ares was awakening.

"What happened?" She asked her still shaken friend, she looked at Joxer and saw the love that he bore for the, slowly returning to a state of consciousness, God in the bed before her.

"He fainted." Joxer prevaricated. Wishing Ares would wake up and deal with this. Just as he was giving up hope of devine salvation, Hades, Asclepius and Hestia came into the bedroom and rushed to Ares' side. The Gods shooed Joxer and the other two mortals away from Ares' bed, the better to get access to him.

A nimbus of blue light enveloped the God and pulled his mind back from what ever brink of madness beckoned it. Then it was Ares' turn to roll over and throw up on someone's shoes .. Hades' shoes in fact!

"Oh Gods, what happened?" He mumbled.

"Here, drink this!" Asclepius handed him a beaker of fruit juice and helped his patient to lie on the bed a little more comfortably. As he did so, Ares saw Xena and Iolaus standing in the corner with Joxer.

"Oh shit, have I been out of it that long? Where's Herc the jerk then? Why hasn't the baby been born yet, Dite promised it'd all be over in nine hours!" He mumbled, but Iolaus and Xena heard him clearly enough.

"Herc is still several hours away, we had a big fight last night, and Xena and me, well we decided to come back through the night and apologise for our part in last nights debacle" The hunter spoke honestly to the God, "When we got here we sent word via your priest, and he went to speak to you, he came back, mumbled about you being dead and then he fainted. We came through to see what was wrong, and if we could help.. is all!" Iolaus then shut up and retreated behind Xena. He surely wouldn't harm his daughter to reach the hunter, would he?

Ares slumped back, looked at Joxer, held out his hand and waited for his lover to join him. Which he did with satisfying alacrity!

"This wasn't quite what you signed on for, was it?" It was the nearest he could come to apologising in public.

"Hey, such is life!" Joxer told him, then placed a gentle hand on Ares' belly. "We'll think of something, we'll cope." Just as he'd coaxed a smile from Ares, Asclepius dropped yet another bombshell.

"Did Aphrodite separate out the options I'd given her, or did she go with both an old soul and a new soul?" The God of Medicine asked Hades, who would know if an 'old' soul was missing from his domain and Hestia, who would know what Ares' hearth would have to face in the hours to come.

"Yes!" They both said, then looked at each other and finally Ares. The War God was slowly realising what his elders meant. An old soul and a new soul. Two babies, twins! Ares did what expectant parents have done the world over, for all time, in such a circumstance.

"Mummy!" He cried out, in total shock, but staying awake this time.

For once in her life, Hera answered her son's terrified cry for her help. After all, she didn't have much else to do, and if things were truly bad with Ares she'd at least get a good laugh at his expense.

"What is it now, cry baby!" She snarled as she materialised. Only then did she take in the arrangement of Gods and mortals surrounding her youngest son's bed. Aphrodite walked into the room, muttering apologies at Ares who looked close to throwing up.

"Look, I'm sorry Ar.. we'll think of something, won't we guys?" She turned to her fellow conspirators, finally seeing Hera. "Oh, it's you, who sent for you then?" Dite stood, hands on hips, determined that Hera wasn't getting to hurt Ares this time. Not in his current state, not if she could help it! "You leave Ar alone, we'll cope with things ourselves, us and Joxie. Ar doesn't need you, and neither does his baby!"

She then realised that (one) she was missing something, and (two) Hera hadn't known about the baby when she arrived.

"Baby?" Hera's voice could have shattered glass for miles around if it wasn't for the Godly soundproofing in Ares' temples.

"Er, babies, actually." Asclepius told Dite, not Hera, the Medicine God refused to look at the Queen of the Gods.

"Babies?" Dite squealed in delight.

"Babies?" Hera squealed in horror.

"Babies!" Ares announced, determined not to let Joxer down, and determined to cope.

Hera stood, transfixed, staring at Ares, his belly, which seemed to be growing before her very eyes, and didn't so much as blink. Her brain was chugging through an endless loop, like the minds of so many other mothers before her, chanting to itself, 'My baby is having babies! My baby is having babies!'

"My baby is having babies!" She finally vocalised. "But he's too young!" She screamed, dashed forwards, scooped Ares up into her embrace and hugged him close, for the first time since he was three years old.

"He's over fifteen hundred years old Hera, he was the quiet, dark haired one in the corner, remember? The one you ..." Hades was interrupted by Hera.

"He was destined to be a War God, he had to be tough, but he's just a baby himself, how did this happen? Ares? You're too young to do this with out help.. ASCLEPIUS?" She screamed at the timorous God of Healing.

Asclepius cried out for his daddy! Apollo got the cry for help from his son, an event so rare in his life that he couldn't actually recall the last time Ace had shouted on his help as his father, so he went to find out what his boy needed.

"Yo! Ace, What's happenin'?" The golden haired Sun, Music, Medicine and Language God asked.

"Hera's going to harm me!" Ace told his dippy daddy.

"Momsy Hera? Is this true?" Apollo asked, grinning at the Queen of the Gods.

"They've been up to something, all of them, and they've left Ares pregnant.. with babies!" Where as she had meant a multiple birth, Apollo just thought she was being cruel to Ares - again!

"As opposed to what? Piglets?" He asked.

"No you fool, twins!" Hera rocked her son, causing him extreme discomfort as the 'morning' sickness took a firm hold of his stomach muscles and... All down her gown! "See, I told you he's too young, he's sick!" She screamed, right in Ares' ear.. with the inevitable results

"Well, we'd better check him over. Let him go, okay?" Apollo prised Hera's hands off the still queasy War God and helped his little brother lie down. "What are we looking at Ace?" He asked his own son.

"Twins, an old soul and a new soul..." Asclepius mumbled to a stand still.

"Which old soul? A mortal soul?" Hera asked, finally calming down and looking at the Gods and mortals, all clustered around her baby's bed chamber, all watching intently.

"Both Gods, he's been eating Ambrosia almost non stop all morning." Asclepius informed her.

The Queen of the Gods turned a panic stricken glance towards her brother. Her mind swimming with images of Titans and dead Gods... Gods like Uranus ... Gods that would threaten the order of the world. God's that could threaten the Gods themselves, let alone the mortals!

"Which particular old soul are we talking about here?" She asked him.

For his part Hades suddenly realised that he hadn't even thought about checking it out, the shock of discovering his favourite nephew was really pregnant was obviously affecting his cognitive abilities.

"I've no idea!" He replied. "And I'm going to need a lot of help looking, and checking to see who's missing!" He looked at Aphrodite and Hestia, the two Goddesses had the grace to blush and nod their heads. "Come on then, we've got a lot of ground to cover and not much time to do it in!" The group fled to the comparative safety of Hades' domain.

That left Joxer, Xena and Iolaus still in Ares' bed room. Joxer actually sitting on the bed, holding tight to the shivering War God's hand.

"And who might you be?" Hera looked down her nose at the dark haired mortal snuggled up to her baby boy. Fifteen hundred years of unused protective instinct flooded her mind, body and soul.

"I'm Ares' lover, the 'father' of his babies." Joxer surprised himself, the Gods, and mortals still standing around Ares' bedroom room. He stood up to Hera and survived. Then Joxer thought of something, something distinctly unpleasant. "If Ares' priest wakes up and tells more of his worshipers he's dead, what'll that do to Ares and the babies?" He looked at every one, one by one, seeing blank looks from each and every one, bar Xena. She looked thoughtful.

"Joxer, when did you and my father get together.. you know, together, together?" She still had problems facing the fact that her own Godly father liked to .. with men! She blushed, profusely.

"Last night, after you left, why?" Joxer told her.

"Because I wanted to know. He's my father, I think I have the right to ask! Look, I know nothing about pregnant Gods, so I'll go deal with Ares' panicking priests and followers, okay?" She shrugged and headed for the door. She paused with her hand on the handle. "You know, I was always raised to believe that sex was a means for men and women to have babies, that was it's primary function. That was what my mother said, why she lay with her husband, but, I guess I can handle my father sleeping with a man, seeing as how you are having babies together." It was a big step forward for the strongly opinionated woman, one Ares took in good faith.

"Thank you, I think." He said, right before he threw up once more. Asclepius recreated his bowl of Ambrosia and handed it to his patient. As Ares finished talking Xena, and Iolaus, left the room. The hunter mumbling about helping Xena out side.

"Those babies are going to need this stuff, and it seems to help you too!" He handed Ares his forgotten bowl of quivering pink jelly and watched the God of War eat the contents. Then he created another bowlful for him. Then another...

Outside the private chambers, Xena was organising her father's followers having shut the muttering, panicking priest up, finally. There was, to Xena's bemused mind, an awful lot of ordinary towns folk in Ares' temple. The longer she stood there, repeating her assurances that Ares wasn't dead, just pregnant, the more civilian believers turned up. Finally the local Magistrate came up to her dais, well Ares' dais, she was just borrowing it, and asked a rather personal question.

"Young lady, on what authority do you stand there and speak these fantastical facts?" He was neither rude, nor over polite, just worried, Xena could see it in his face.

"I speak as the daughter of Ares. My father, is having twins, here, within this temple. At some point today. It's a God thing" she stood there, looking into the eyes of the local official and saw him reach some sort of decision. Once he reached that decision he took over ordering the temple full of worshipers, warriors and civilians alike.

"Okay people, Ares is having twin Gods, today, we have so much to do, so little time to do it in! Cribs, clothes, gifts, our prayers for strength and guards to post around the place. Hercules must not be allowed into town! We've all seen his behaviour over the last couple of days, I, for one, do not wish to see him threaten the survival of our own baby Gods!" He clapped his hands together and the towns folk dashed out, getting ready for what was quite possibly the biggest event to ever happen round there! The warriors crowded around Xena, asking her where they should post themselves for best effect.

As they watched, listened and advised, Iolaus and Xena began to realise that the entire community actually liked, if not loved, Ares.

Stopping one of the civilians Iolaus asked the question uppermost in his mind.

"What was Ares doing the night before last? What was it Hercules wanted him to stop doing."

"Dancing." He was told, bluntly. The short answer was the last thing the hunter thought he'd hear.

"Dancing?" He queried.

"Yeah, just dancing." The young man confirmed. "I saw him, with my own eyes, he's a good dancer." He grinned and moved on, having had a task allotted to him to ease the birth of Ares' babies. The babies that were becoming so important to the towns people.

Elsewhere, miles away to be not at all exact, Hercules and Gabrielle were plodding their weary way back to town. A bad nights sleep, compounded with no breakfast, and their respective opinions about their enforced travelling companion, did little to raise any cheer with either of them.

"Keep your eyes open for fruit trees." Hercules reminded Gabrielle for the fourth time.

"That's four!" Gabrielle muttered in complete disgust.

"What's four?" Hercules snapped, his patience decreasing as his hunger increased.

"That's four times you've reminded me to look out for something to eat. Who do you think I am, Joxer?" Her tone told it all, her disdain for the warrior wannabe, her opinion of her own worth as greater than his.

"No, I don't think you're Joxer, he's at least is a pleasant travelling companion." Hercules muttered, sotto voce.

"Pardon?" Gabrielle sounded like every busy body Hercules' mother had had to suffer insults from in all her troubled life, after Zeus had come to call.

"If I were talking to you, I'd have directed my words to you!" Hercules growled, hoping that the irritating bard wannabe would take the hint and shut up.

Gabrielle didn't do hints.

"If you didn't want your comments over heard you would not have articulated them." She informed him somewhat pompously. The fact that he out massed her several times over, that her survival might depend on his good graces, never occurred to her, not once. "After all, I am your only travelling companion, even Iolaus has forsaken you and your cause. They all have, bar me!" Her trump card, his personal hurt and guilt.

"Shall we conserve out energies and just walk, and look for something to eat or drink while we do so?" He saw her open her mouth. " I know, that's five.." He shrugged and moved on ahead. In silence, thinking about Iolaus, his apparent defection to Ares' side, and his taking Xena with him. Why couldn't it have been Gabrielle that had to have agreed with Iolaus, instead of his.. niece! That fact didn't cheer him any either.

They plodded on, each looking at one side of the road, determinedly ignoring each other as best they could.

In the main hall in the temple of Ares, in the town the hero and the would be bard were heading for, pandemonium reigned. The people were piling up gifts for the babies before Ares' alter, but their God's continued absence was causing unrest and alarm. Many had begun to believe Ares was dead, some that he had died as a result of Hercules' unprovoked attack the previous night. Some that it had been his evil father that kept him from them, jealous that his legitimate son was more popular than his bastard son, his many bastard sons, but Hercules in particular. Some even believed that Hera was attempting to kill Ares' babies, after all, they had heard Ares' song the night before, and what she had done to Ares when he was little more than a baby himself.

For his part, Ares continued to eat the Ambrosia and throw up every so often. As well as run interference between his mother and his lover. Somehow Hera chose to blame Joxer for Ares' condition rather than Aphrodite and Asclepius, the actual architects of his predicament. Joxer faced her off every time, ready to fight the Queen of the Gods for Ares' sake if need be. Ares had to conclude that it was indeed a romantic gesture on Joxer's part, but a bloody stupid one too!

The external chaos intruded into his misery and was a most welcome relief.

"Ya' gotta get out there, they've got you dead and buried. They're ready to storm Olympus itself for you, there are rumours going around that you're dead. Some say Herc did it when he attacked you last night, the rest that Zeus did it when Herc was banished from the town for hitting you last night. Either way you have to get out there and show face. PLEASE!" Iolaus pleaded his case, he was too busy justifying his intrusion that he didn't notice Ares standing beside him until the God tapped him gently on the shoulder.

"If you're quite ready?" Ares tried a sneer. It ended with him throwing up into his omnipresent basin. "Fuck!" He muttered.

"That's what got you in this state in the first place!" His mother admonished him, glaring at Joxer all the while.

"No mother, it was Aphrodite and Asclepius.. I told you what happened!" Ares whispered this time, leaving what little content his stomach still held firmly in place.

Ares, with Joxer and Iolaus' help, walked to the door and out into the corridor, there that little content moved, left and was sent wherever the Gods sent such things. Without a single word Joxer handed over the Ambrosia bowl and made Ares eat some of it before they continued.

"How long now since they did this?" Iolaus asked.

"Three and a half hours, why?" Ares whispered, moved off again, though cautiously.

"Because, if you're going a month every hour, then in about half an hour you'll stop throwing up, you'll start expanding instead." The hunter informed him happily. "Just think, by nightfall you're going to have twins. Dark haired, dark eyed, just like you two! WOW!" He was so smitten with the idea he grinned at the God and his friend, worshipping the God silently, but Ares felt those prayers and was thankful for them, for the strength they gave him.

"I'd just as soon it was tomorrow." Ares muttered, Joxer understood, he laughed, gently, then noticed Iolaus' somewhat perplexed expression.

"It'd all be over then, the pregnancy, the births, the waiting to find out which old soul it was." He smiled, he hoped it was reassuring, at Iolaus, who looked sympathetically at the weaving to and fro God.

"Let's get you settled." He turned towards the main hall again and shouted. "Xena!"

The Warrior Princess dutifully appeared, saw her father slowly walking towards her and the main hall and dashed forward.

"What you doing up?" She asked.

"Iolaus said it might be better if I were out there, where the townsfolk could see me. Look, go clear the hall until I get settled. I don't want to embarrass myself here, okay?" Ares tried to look as little like a sick and frustrated War God as he possibly could, it must have worked, because Xena went out and did as he had bid her. "This is not how I had planned to spend the day!" The God muttered.

"Oh, how was that then?" Iolaus asked, realised what he'd said, who he was with and blushed profusely. "Forget I asked." He murmured.

"Already forgotten." Ares told him, but he tightened his hold on Joxer's hand.

"Well, we'll have plenty time in the future to spend it as we want, right now it's duty first!" Joxer smiled at his God, touching his freehand to Ares' only just expanding belly.

"Nearly there!" Iolaus chimed in, cheerfully.

"Are you always this cheerful?" Ares asked, somewhat perplexed by the hunter's happy attitude, considering he had fallen out with his lover the previous night.

"Oh, probably, but then ya' gotta keep a sense of perspective here. Herc is having to travel with Gabrielle today, alone, if that doesn't make him receptive to the truth.. or at least a human voice in a more realistic register, then I don't know what would!" Iolaus giggled, slightly.

"How long before she gives up sniping and moves on to lecturing? Has he ever done anything she could use as a subject of one of her 'I'm better than you'll ever be, so don't bother trying' lectures?" Joxer asked, hoping against hope that the answer would be..

"Damn, yes, plenty! And he's not one to keep his mouth shut either. He'll hit her with an 'I'm more open minded that you ever dreamed of' lecture, followed up by his 'I'm keeper of the worlds morals'.. maybe even a quick burst of an 'I've never slept with a demon from another dimension so don't preach at me' lecture!" Iolaus smiled, wryly, and opened the door for Ares to shuffle through.

"Is he really that bad?" Ares asked, having to admit to himself, at least, that he was kinda glad he had never had to spend that much time in his half brother's company.

"Yup!" Iolaus looked a little down, which cheered the God, even as the God tried to think of something to cheer Iolaus up. Why? He simply couldn't say!

"I don't lecture people." Ares informed Iolaus and Joxer. "I've long since learned that when you do, people simply stop listening.. I know I do." He smiled. "You should see us, at the Council of Twelve meetings, dad lecturing us and the eleven of us more or less asleep. Mother's the best at getting out of them. She sits there, listens intently for five minutes, screams 'oh my' as loud as she can. Then she jumps up, muttering 'the poor dear' and looks at dad, square in the eyes and declares 'an emergency with a birth, I'm sorry my love, give me the highlights later' then she vanishes.." Ares saw complete comprehension in the faces of both of his companions. Joxer and Iolaus almost dropped Ares as they laughed. "Hey, it's not as if I could get away with that, now is it?" They laughed harder, the mental images of Ares dashing off to help his mother with a tricky birth, leaving a stunned Zeus looking at their empty chairs.

Finally, they got the now amused God of War seated, comfortable, stable of stomach contents, freshened up of face and clothes, ready to grant audience to those that insisted on seeing him.

There was over a hundred of them! His temple only held sixty comfortably. They were packed so tight it was standing room only, breathing was optional.

"What the fu.." Ares whispered, then the wave of adoration hit him, square in the heart. "Oh!" He said, sounding, and looking, amazed. Then he saw the growing mound of baby gifts from these mortal towns folk, he looked at Xena, who stood at his left hand, and raised an elegant eyebrow, indicating the pile of gifts.

"Presents for the babies, from the people." Her eyes challenged him to insult those that had given him, and his babies, gifts.

"Why, that's very generous of you, thank you." Ares looked out over the packed hall and felt his first ever, pregnancy induced, mood swing.

They were such an ever so nice town! Full of wonderful, generous, marvellous people, he'd never encountered such loving people, anywhere, anytime in his long, lonely life. That they just opened their hearts to him like this. He was the one blessed, not they. His babies would be raised to know to whom they owed their loyalties, to those brave, wonderful people that faced an insane demi-God just to protect them. His babies, his soon to be born son and daughter! That news stopped his emotional ramble in its tracks. It also left the towns folk utterly spell bound. Ares was so open, warm, emotional, not the cold hearted, evil bastard Hercules had always painted him as! Even those who had not fully given of themselves to his defence before were now utterly convinced. Ares was a good guy, Hercules was the bad guy!

He almost fainted when he realised he could tell what gender his babies were going to be. He did the only thing his brain could come up with as a viable option.

"MOTHER!" He cried out.

"What is it!?" A panicked Hera materialised before her shocked rigid son.

"I'm having a boy and a girl!" He told her, placing her hand over the God and the Goddess currently growing in his belly. "See!" He said.

"Oh my God!" Hera muttered, not realising she had spoken aloud until Xena quizzed her.

"You know, I've always wondered just which God you Gods mean when you say 'Oh, 'my' God!'?" She asked her Godly grandmother.

Hera looked at the Warrior Princess, for her part, Xena felt the brevity of a mortal life span as a shiver ran down her spine.

"Well, personally, I tend to mean my grandmother, Gaia. I most certainly don't mean Zeus!" She smiled at her mortal granddaughter. "Why, who do you mean when you say it?" She asked in her turn.

"Hestia , mostly." Xena replied without thinking.

"That's aunt Hestia to you child!" Hera tsked a few times and faced her baby and his growing babies once more.

For her part, Xena was finally coming to terms with Ares really being her father. Her Goddess, the one she had prayed to most of her life, with Ares being a brief exception there, was actually her great aunt! Now her daddy was having babies, a baby brother and a baby sister.. and they were Gods... and their father was having them!

"I'm going to be a big sister.. again!" She announced, somewhat redundantly at that.

"Iolaus, why don't you go find a spare room or two and get a couple of hours sleep, you'll need it before this is over. Take Xena with you, now, while she's quiet and complacent with shock!" Joxer whispered to the hunter standing beside him. For his part, Iolaus looked over at Xena and saw the wisdom in Joxer's plan.

"Come on Xena, let's grab some rest, while we still can!" He lead the stunned woman away and settled her in a room with twin beds, taking the second one for himself. They were both soon fast asleep.

Underground, deep underground, so deep in fact that an anvil would fall for, well some where between nine days, from Olympus, and possibly five days, from the mortal world, before going thud, three deities were doing remarkably good impressions of headless chickens. Before they could even do a head count on the dead and fallen Gods, first they had to find them. It was the finding them that was proving difficult.

"If you see Strife in here, grab him." Hades was emphatic about that, that was clear even to Aphrodite.

"Why?" She asked, less Flighty-Dite than normal.

"Because he as some sort of tracking system down here. See, he's an Olympian, the other inhabitants of this place are Titans, Uranians and such, they hate Olympians, with good cause and a deep abiding passion. I have young Strife round my palace as much as I can, but he has to spend the majority of his time here, those are the rules of the underworld." Hades shrugged, held out a hand and had three scrolls appear out of thin air. "Roll call time, we're going to have to conjure each of the occupants of this space individually. Starting with the First Ones and going on down from there." He handed a scroll each to Dite and Hestia, "You mark off each of them as I call out their name."

"If Strife's got a tracking system why not start with him?" Dite was sure her enquiry sounded most reasonable. The look on Hades' face told her she was possibly being stupid again.

"Because if I start with him, the other's won't respond to their summonses, they can refuse on the grounds that I broke with social etiquette." Hades shrugged, "Titans, go figure!"

"Eros?" 'Dite started at that name, the earliest incarnation of her own son's attribute.

"Hail!" Eros whispered, sliding into focus, rubbing against Hades' body as he moved passed him to stand before the King of the Underworld.

"Enough of that Eros, we're in a hurry!" Hades pushed the fallen God away from him, unfortunately into Aphrodite's waiting arms.

"Hi sweetcheeks!" The Love Goddess whispered, fondling the God so propitiously fallen into her arms.

"Hello? Oh my, a new Olympian to play with, and Hades is giving you to me? How nice of him." Eros rubbed against the warm, pliant body before him. "You're alive!" He accused.

"Sure am darlin' an' I'm looking for a dead God, an' guess what? It ain't you!" Dite pushed Eros away, not liking the tone of disgust he got into the word alive. "No wonder Strifey hates you lot!"

"Can we get on?" Hades asked, before Eros could retaliate.

"Sure H. You're the boss!" Dite produced an elaborate quill and took a great deal of delight in scoring Eros' name off her scroll.

"Erebos?" Hades stood a little straighter, after all he was about to meet with the original architect of his domain, a little respect was called for.

"Hades!" Erebos replied. "Oh, don't tell me, you've lost someone, it's about the only time you come bothering with us." Erebos smiled, but not maliciously, he didn't really hate the Olympians, after all, he was still in the underworld, so technically he never left home.

"Well, we did kind of have an accident upstairs, yes." Hades admitted.

"An accident? What kind of accident?" Erebos was interested, despite himself.

"We have a pregnant God, who is carrying an old soul, a Godly soul." Hades confessed to his forerunner.

"One of us is being reborn? At random!?" Erebos was obviously astonished at the news. "And I take it you don't know who it is?" The severity of the situation obviously had some effect on the former underworld God. Like Hades, he evidently didn't like seeing his 'guests' going back without his knowing. "Okay, Hades, I'll look around for you. It'll be quicker." Erebos disappeared leaving the three Olympians and Eros.

"Isn't there a waiting list for rebirth or something?" The former Love God asked.

"No, it was never imagined that one of us could want to have one of you, you know what I mean?" Hades looked at the dead God and quelled the insults poised ready to trip off his tongue. Eros kicked his foot against a rock instead, and waited quietly, if not patiently, for Erebos' return. "Damn, a chance at rebirth and I missed it!" He muttered mostly to himself, not caring if the Olympians heard him or not.

"Reborn as an Olympian, not as a First One." Hades calmly pointed out, not letting the dead Love God get to him.

"I could handle that!" Eros grumbled. "So, who's the happy Goddess then?" He noticed the shifty looks the three live Olympians shared with each other. "What ya' hiding then?"

"We're not hiding anything, just it's not a Goddess that's pregnant. It's Ares!" Hades informed the dead God, who, to his credit didn't burst out laughing, not right away that is.

"Your War God is pregnant? So, what your saying is, whomever the old soul is, is going to be the son, or indeed the daughter, of War? Damn but I'm glad I missed it! If your young Ares is anything like those Titan fore runners of his!" Then Eros laughed.. loudly!

"I'll have you know that 'young Ares' is nothing like Bia, or the others! They're quite like their old selves, still, anyway! Seeing as how they're still alive, not fallen.. still 'upstairs' free to come and go as they please!" Hestia had had enough of Eros. Truth be told, she'd had enough of Eros well before the fall of the Titans, he was the principal reason she'd remained a virgin Goddess all her life. The very idea of having sex was too reminiscent of Eros and the fact that he had ever existed. He always had had a suggestion of slimy, untrustworthiness .. if that was an actual word, but it was reminiscent of Eros. In Hestia's eyes.

Time passed, as always in the underworld, it passed without much to judge it by. No movement of a sun, no twinkling of stars, just the ever present twilight.

"How long is he going to be? Just how many names does he have to check off?" 'Dite was getting bored, and fretting to get back to Ares and the babies. She felt responsible, after all it had been her idea in the first place, and anyway, she wanted to be back by Ares' side before Hercules got back from his travels. She didn't want to risk the hero hitting Ares now, not when he could kill real babies!

Hades rolled out his scroll in front of Aphrodite, he let the end he wasn't holding roll along the ground .. it was that long, dead and fallen Gods Greece had aplenty!

"Shit!" Aphrodite elegantly replied.

Five days, as the anvil falls, above them, a man and a woman, who were no longer talking to each other, plodded their weary way forwards, having failed to find fruit trees. Water, at least, they had found, and had drank their fill. The sun was climbing to mid day, the heat was almost a physical wave, slowing them down. Yet, because they weren't talking anymore, and neither wanted to show weakness in front of the other, they were making remarkably good progress. Well ahead of schedule.

As they walked Gabrielle contemplated Joxer, and just what she wanted to do to him. Twisting his nose was child's play compared to the tortures she was dreaming up! Especially now he had supposedly tried to kill himself, only to be 'rescued' by Ares. Ares! That just got her onto a whole new avenue of silent complaint. Somehow the God of War had seduced Joxer, seduced him just because he'd saved his worthless life. When he could have had an heroic death for unrequited love ... that damned War God had to go and save him! Where was the epic scroll in that? And the God of War saved his worthless life, then they went out to dinner! Who ever heard of a story with a happy ending, they're meant to be tragedies after all!

For his part, Hercules was also thinking about Ares, thinking about the song he had been singing the previous night. Worrying that its lyrics were true, that his brother had been beaten, regularly, as a very young child. When he had been a three year old child, he was the apple of his mother's eye. She deferred to him all the time, her little Godling, she had called him. Even Iphicles had deferred to him, he'd been, what, eight? That brought him up short. Iphicles had been eight, since when had eight year olds deferred to three year olds? Had mother made Iph do that? Casting his mind back as far as he could he tried to figure it all out. Iph really didn't like him, nor did Ares, this was given facts. Now Joxer didn't like him, had in fact tried to kill himself rather than live as he had dictated.

Dictated, he did dictate, didn't he? Always had, even as little child, if Iph disagreed with him, he either hurt him, or worse, got their mother to deal with his dissension. Little wonder that Iphicles actually didn't really miss their mother. It would be like missing a torturer. Hello Iphicles, long time since we've seen you, by the way, if you sit down for an hour Hercules did this, and this, that , then this, and that... And on Olympus, Ares was getting the same from their father.. but worse. I like Hercules and I hate you... oh, by the way, your mother hates you and Hercules too. Where could Iphicles and Ares turn for comfort?

It seemed that Ares had turned to the hurting Joxer, found enough in common with him to try and make friends with him. He thought about that hug of the night before, a hug between friends. Not lovers, nothing like the hugs between himself and Iolaus. Except Iolaus had left him the night before, having tried to get Hercules to think these very thoughts.

Looking over at the still angry Gabrielle, the hero wondered what was going on in her head. Why did she hate Joxer so much? Just because he failed to kill himself over her rejection?

Hercules concluded that Gabrielle frightened him. This made him walk even faster, getting them well ahead of Aphrodite's original estimate, if he but knew she had had an estimate.

Erebos finally turned up, shoulders quaking with mirth. He clasped Hades' shoulder and drew his current counter part aside and whispered in his ear. Hades looked at him, smiled, giggled, let rip with an enormous belly laugh, startling Aphrodite and Hestia.

"What is it? Damn it Hades, who is it?" Hestia crossed to her brother and poked him in the side. "Talk to me!" She was getting annoyed, she wanted to be back with Ares, and the babies.. whomever they turned out to be!

"The 'old soul' isn't all that old. In fact, it's Strife, he's being reborn. Now, we've got to figure out if we keep Strife's memories intact, or wipe his soul clean for a fresh start?" Hades thanked Erebos and dismissed Eros. "Thank you for your co-operation, good rest." He took himself and his sisters back to Ares' Temple, and Hera, this would need careful thinking about. Subtle handling to achieve the desired effect. Looking up, he saw Ares sitting on his throne, Joxer by his side, stroking the God's cheek. The sea of worshippers seemingly on an ebb tide. Formulating his opening words he figured out how to break the news to Ares. Carefully crafting what he would say, how he would say it.

"Ar, it's Strife, you're having Strife! So you wanna zap his mind or have Strife again?" 'Dite hugged her pregnant nephew - step brother.

"What you mean? Zap Strife's mind?" Ares' voice was filled with panic, his blood stream with all the hormonal rush of another mood swing. From love and joy to paranoia and over protectiveness! "Leave my babies alone! You don't touch him, or her!"

It took the combined efforts of Joxer, Hestia and Hades to hold Ares still in his bid to flee from Aphrodite and her threats against his, as yet unborn, babies. It took the further combined efforts of Apollo, Asclepius and Hera to ensure Ares was escorted to his bedroom, where he was made to rest peacefully; while they got to grips with the latest news, so inelegantly broken by the now totally upset Love Goddess. It took the Magistrate, and several priests, to calm down the townsfolk, and not have them storming the Gods demanding the return of Ares, with his babies intact. Indeed, it might have been better, had she first checked to see if Ares and Joxer were alone before she spoke.

There was now a scant four hours until the births, everyone, God and Mortals alike were wondering if any of them would survive the rest of that day.

"..And that was when we found out that that the old soul in one of the babies is Strife. Hades said we could wipe all his memories of ever being Strife, and give him a clean slate to live this life with. I didn't explain it very well to Ar, is he going to be all right?" Aphrodite looked to the door of Ares' bedroom, currently being protected by Ares' youngest sister, Hebe, Goddess of Youth, and about as devoted to her big brother as it was possible to be. She had arrived as a result of her mother's panicked call for assistance. It was the sheer novelty of Hera wanting to protect Ares in the fist place, that had originally drawn her there, when she discovered her brother was about to have babies, she stayed out of love for him.

"You got him mid mood swing, after he has slept a little, we can see what is to be done. It will have to be his, and Joxer's decision, as to whether we wipe Strife's memories, or not." Hera looked to her own sister for support on that statement.

"Most definitely, I agree, Ares has had far too much of his life dictated to him, it's time he got to choose, even if he didn't choose to have babies. What a mess!" Hestia put an arm through the crook of Joxer's left arm, just as Hera did the same with his right arm. "Come, Joxer, we have a lot to explain to you."

Being an obedient mortal, and out numbered anyway, Joxer went with them for their lengthy explanation as to what was happening.

They eventually sat in Ares' now bustling dinning hall, clustered around one end of the long table Ares had created just the day before. Joxer looked around the once quiet, lonely temple, and compared it to the hive of activity it now was.

"Before you start, let me see if I get what's going on here, ok?" He looked from one Goddess to the other, getting a silent nod of the head from each. "Okay, fine, now, as I see it, Ares is pregnant, that's a God thing, like only he could do that, not me?" Again he was rewarded with twin head noddings. "Right, and when our babies were created, for what ever reason they were created, they were created using one brand new, never been alive before soul, and one, here we go again, been there, done that, soul?" Both Goddesses fought hard to hide the broad grins as the listened to Joxer's ideas of that day's activities. "So far, so good. And now you're telling me that the old soul is Strife, God of Mischief, being reborn, but being reborn as mine and Ares' son, or daughter." Hestia and Hera smiled warmly, nodding merrily. "And you can wipe his mind clean of being Strife.. so Strife will be lost forever. Never to be found ever again. Not here, not in Tartarus, or wherever dead Gods go. Gone, no more?" He watched both Goddesses as they slowly nodded. "Then my vote, if I have one, is for no. Let Strife live, but, would he still be Strife, I mean, when he's grown up, what kinda God would he be? Still Strife as we knew him, or a different Strife, would he even be Strife at all? You could have replaced him for all I know." He looked at one puzzled face to the other, waiting for one of them to speak to him.

"We have not replaced Strife, no new Gods have been born since Bliss was born." Hera told him.

"Well, if he's born Strife, he'll remain Strife, this childhood, if he has one, will mesh with his previous one, or it might fight with it. It could damage him, but probably wouldn't." Hestia sighed, deeply. "See, this has never happened before, no God ever elected to give birth to an old soul before. Oh, it happens all the time with mortals, youngsters that have never had the chance of any life, often get to come back again. But mortal minds aren't capable of holding onto the previous life with out it having, quite often, dire side effects. God minds should, theoretically, be capable of remembering everything."

"Including how he died?" A sleepy voice asked from the doorway.

Three heads turned to find a bedraggled Iolaus standing there. He smiled, a lopsided grin, scratched at his rumpled hair, and crossed to sit facing Joxer.

"They were arguing outside my door, no one could sleep through that din. I heard enough to start me worrying. So, will he remember how he died?" He yawned, covered his mouth, shrugged and smiled again. "Sorry, but they didn't let me sleep long enough."

"Poor Iolaus, so exhausted, but so ready to fight and act for Ares' defence. I can see why Hercules would value such a friend as you." Hera smiled, sadly. "Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything to harm you. Just this.." She touched Iolaus' bare arm, filling him with renewed strength and energy.

"Wow!" Iolaus observed, shaking his head from side to side, no longer exhausted, bursting with energy, ready to perform wonders, if need be.

"And, yes, I'm afraid he would remember his death." Hera sighed, another factor to be considered.

"So be it, we just have to love him enough to get him over that, and reassure him that Callisto is finally gone, that he is safe. Will he look like himself, one of us, what?" Joxer's eyes clouded over as he thought about what Strife might look like. "Anyway, why didn't you bring him back after he died? Hades is always letting Iolaus out from down there, why not Strife?"

Even Iolaus was eager to hear the answer to that question. Both mortal men looked at Hera for an answer, but it was Hestia who provided it.

"Zeus wouldn't permit it. Oh he can't sanction the return of mortal lives, but has to give his consent to the return of dead Gods. He wouldn't even think about it."

"Why?" Iolaus asked, shocked at Zeus' hard attitude. "Because Ares wanted his nephew back?"

"Simply put, yes." Hestia murmured.

"That's awful, what did the rest of you do, say?" Joxer looked from one Goddess to the other, hoping things weren't as bad as they seemed for his lover.

"Because it was Ares." Ares' own mother shrugged. "It has always been easier to hate Ares than to love him. Easier because that is how Zeus, and his darling, precious Athena want it. They always side together, always against Ares."

"Why?" Iolaus asked again, learning so much he wished he could share with Hercules, make him understand, realise how much he simply didn't know about Ares' life.

"Because Athena can never be King of the Gods, will never be Queen of the Gods, unless she can marry the son of Zeus who finally kills Zeus. Kills him and he remains dead.. that is." Hera looked at Hercules' life companion. "She was grooming her youngest brother for that role.. and I don't mean Ares either.." She left the rest unsaid.

"Fuck her!" Iolaus spat.

"Exactly! Several times, over the last ten or twelve centuries, she's befriended one or other of Zeus' half mortal bastards, coached them, egged them on to the point that they kill Ares' children on her command, they eventually graduate to having a go at Zeus himself. Just exactly as she has been doing with Hercules, and if he succeeds, she will marry him, finally taking a male lover, to give him a child that will bind her position as Queen for all eternity.. until another son comes along. I rather suspect she will 'loose' any boy child she conceives!" Hera looked away from the small gathering around the table, and back to where her youngest son lay sleeping.

"And she wants Hercules to do her killing for her? Why doesn't Zeus see what she's doing?" Joxer could not believe that the King of the Gods could possibly be that stupid.

"He knows, it's why he keeps her so close.. where he can keep an eye on her, and it's also why he indulges her with her hate campaign against Ares, it keeps her focused on something other than him." Hera whispered. "Ares is waking up, Joxer I think you should go to him. Talk things over with him, decide what you both want to do. Go!" She ushered the young mortal her son loved out the door, before turning back to the table, Hestia and Iolaus.

Joxer ran back to Ares' bedroom, smiled as he slid by Hebe and made it to the bed just as Ares opened his eyes.

"Hi!" He greeted the sleepy War God.

"Hi!" Ares smiled back, rubbing his now very swollen belly. "Did Dite do anything to our babies?" He asked, hesitantly, not wanting to hear the worst, but readying himself for it anyway.

"No, they're both still fine. Everyone is waiting for you, and me, to make up our minds if we get rid of all that Strife was, or will be, and start afresh, with a washed clean, old soul, as it were. Or, we love Strife and help him fit his rebirth into his life past, present and future. I vote we leave him. Otherwise he totally ceases to exist, and that just ain't fair!" He reached out and linked his fingers with Ares' as the God continued to rub his belly. Through their linked hands he felt the babies moving, kicking inside, as if they demanded the right to live. "He wants to live, I know it, I feel it!"

"So do I. I want him to live. You don't mind then, that this will mean that really, we'll only have one baby that is all ours?" Ares smiled as he lay side by side with Joxer, both of them feeling their babies in his belly.

"Rubbish, we'll still have input into Strife's new life, he'll look like you, or maybe a little like me, or even himself I suppose, but he'll know we love him, that he is our son, no one else's. What went before was before, this is now, and he's what's important, him and his sister.. is it a sister, or is he the girl, and the new soul the boy? Can you tell yet?"

"I've the strongest feeling that Strife will be the boy. We'll find out later, the natural way." Ares listened to the subsiding noise in his previously deathly quiet temple. It was like some manic precursor for the sounds of their children, running around, creating mayhem.. growing up so fast.. That brought him up short, would they grow into adult hood at the same rate they were growing in his belly?

"Apollo? Asclepius? A word with you please." Ares summonsed the healers to his bedside. Needless to say Hera and all the others arrived too. That crowd included Iolaus, but it seemed Xena was still asleep, able to sleep through the Godly ruckus that had taken possession of his temple, lucky her, they thought.

"What is it Ares? Have you decided what you want us to do, about Strife and all?" Asclepius looked somewhat sheepish, this had been sort of his fault, as much as it had also been Dite's.

"Yes, that and other stuff. We've decided to keep Strife as he is. But, what I really want to know is, will the babies continue to grow at the same rate when they're born?" Ares' question was met by a sea of blank faces.

"We'll get back to you on that." Apollo smiled, touched Ares' belly, as did Asclepius and Hera, then they vanished to discuss their findings.

"Hey, who's kicking?" Joxer asked as his hand was kicked off Ares' expanding belly.

"That's our daughter, see, round here, this is our son, Strife." Ares repositioned Joxer's hand to the lower left of his ever increasing bump. When they touched that growing baby, he appeared to roll over, pressing his back into their hands. "He always loved getting his back scratched." Ares laughed, a gentle sound, full of memories and warmth, directed at his soon to be reborn First Lieutenant.

"So, it's Strife and Goddess X.. what are you going to call her? What Godhood is she being born to?" Iolaus asked, not realising, until he stopped speaking, that he had let loose a very hungry cat amongst very slow pigeons.

"I don't know!" Ares answered, alarm clearly heard in his voice.

"I'm not sure there's a Godhood free, other than Strife's, and he's going to get that back." Hestia touched Ares' belly, right over her soon to be born grand niece. "She is in such harmony with her brother. Hades, Dite, feel her presence." She back off while the other two felt the unborn daughter of Ares and Joxer as she rested against her also unborn brother's back.

"Who decided these things anyway?" Iolaus asked, sitting on the edge of the bed, the otherside from Joxer and the Gods.

"The inner council, or a quorum of that council." Hades told him.

"How many are a quorum?" Joxer asked.

"Usually six of us.. hey, Ares, there are six of us here, you, me, Dite, Hera, Hestia, Apollo, we can settle everything before Zeus even knows he's a grandfather again. What do you say?"

Ares thought about his uncle's suggestion, and looked at his lover's face. Joxer was beginning to look exhausted by the days events; he was trying to cope, was in fact coping amazingly well, but they needed time to themselves. But who could he trust with his unborn babies futures. Certainly those Gods already there, but he needed one other, one more God he could trust.

"Leave me out of it, I need to spend time with Joxer. Ask Hephy to take my place." He saw his suggestion light up Dite's eyes. She didn't get many opportunities to work with her beloved Fire God, and this seemed like it'd be the ideal chance for them to spend some professional time together.

"But, don't you want any input into it, choosing a name, a Godhood, shouldn't we be involved?" Joxer asked, trying to focus his tired mind on the task at hand.

"Not her name, and her nature will dictate her Godhood, what the quorum will do is create her emblem of Godhood, and create her official title with it. We'll choose her name for her."

"Oh, fine then." Joxer yawned, sleepily.

Hades summonsed the Fire God. Once he was there, it took them several minutes to convince him what he was being told was infact the truth. That Ares was having Godly babies, and he was invited, by Ares himself, to take a seat on the quorum to design a new emblem, for a new Godhood, with Dite.. He didn't really take long to make up his mind. It was a resounding yes. The half quorum retreated to yet another area of Ares' temple to hold their deliberations, when the others could join them.

Iolaus took the hint and made for the door, only to be halted by Ares' voice from the bed.

"Hey, Iolaus, you were right, you know?" Ares enjoyed the slightly puzzled look on his brother's lover's face.

"In what way?" The hunter asked.

"It's been five hours now, and I've stopped throwing up!" Ares laughed at the shocked, but delighted, look on the blond man's face. The crooked smile Iolaus gave him was a delight to see, but so too was his retreating back heading out the door, to once more handle questions from the townsfolk.

Back out in the wilderness, what should have been a pleasant days walk was turning into a torture, worse even than anything Hades ever created. Which was probably true, the God of the Dead had often pointed out that mortals had a talent for creating hideous Tartaran nightmares, very much of the own designing.

Hercules was now ready to murder his niece's lover. For the life of him, he simply couldn't see what Xena saw in her. Unless it was the fact that Gabrielle was so horrendous that she made Xena's bad side seem positively angelic by comparison. The blond harridan hadn't stopped talking at him for the last hour, and it was none of her business HOW he dealt with his brothers anyway.

Gabrielle was lecturing Hercules, all the mistakes he ever made in his life, every wrong turn, all of it, used to show how she were a better person than he could ever be. If she didn't shut up, he'd prove her point for her, and leave her for his uncle Hades to sort out.

"Do you think my uncle Hades got the souls of your dead monsters, you know, your daughter and her son, thing?" It was brutal, but he felt it had to be said. If only to get a seconds peace as she floundered in her stunned silence. Oh, but that look on her face, it was worth the guilty feelings he'd get when this was all over.

"How could you!?" She finally screeched. Hercules didn't even miss a heart beat.

"I didn't. It was you who had sex with Dahok, not me!"

This time it was Gabrielle who ran on ahead, pushing them further and further ahead of schedule, at their current rate of progress they'd hit town in about an hour. However, they were so locked up in their own conflict, that they never saw the messenger on the valley ridge top signal his nearest companion with their progress. Despite their alacrity in getting there, a reception would be waiting for them none the less.

All the while Hercules and Gabrielle were all but racing each other towards the town once more, Ares was sleeping, content, in Joxer's arms. The rest of the temple staff were running about like headless chickens, being directed by Iolaus. For all it seemed that the blond hunter was creating chaos, he was, infact, keeping the priests, and others, occupied well away from either the heavily pregnant War God or the other Gods.

It was into this frantic hive activity that Xena awoke. Right after the nightmare scream from the lowest reaches of Tartarus itself. To add to the horror building in the temple, Hercules and Gabrielle finally reached there, bloodied, battered, unbowed and really, really pissed off with the world. They stepped into the busy temple, saw Iolaus, apparently in charge, heard Ares' scream, at least someone's scream, and Hercules being Hercules, he took off like a scalded cat, heading for the source of that hideous, pain wracked cry, at as much full pelt as he could muster under the circumstances.

Even then, he arrived at the source of the crying, to see Xena storm into the room, sword drawn, ready to do battle. That triggered another frantic wale of despair, thinking Ares had brainwashed Xena back into his evil service, he dived through the door, tackling Xena in the process. All this achieved was a kick in the face from his niece, more screaming, louder this time because he was in the same room with his screaming, and somewhat fat, brother...

"What the.." Hercules released Xena's remaining leg, and did a reality check as he sat up, to better see the rooms upset occupant.

"Ares?" He enquired of the fat, generally Ares shaped being before him. "Is that you? You're fat!" Which earned him another wail of grief and a fireball in the face.

After peeling himself off the bedroom wall, Hercules realised that it hadn't been Ares that had attacked him, it had been his uncle Hades that had had that singular honour.

"What did you do to Ares?" Hades loomed over the still, slightly smoking, hero, hands on hips, glaring at him in such a way that it clearly stated, that if looks could maim, he'd be going home in a bucket. Hercules was not easily intimidated, which was rather a draw back when faced with an over protective troop of Gods.

Just as he got to his feet to reply to Hades, he realised that Aphrodite, Hephaestus, Apollo, Asclepius, Hestia, Hebe and even Hera were there. None of them best pleased, none of them looking at Xena, who still had her sword drawn, and was now even closer to Ares' bed.

"I did nothing. I heard a scream, came in here, saw Xena with a sword drawn, which she still has." He drew in a deep breath before continuing. "And when I tackled her, she kicked me in the face, I heard more screaming and looked up to see Ares. All I said was that he's fat!" He didn't duck. Which would have been advisable as all eight deities let loose with a fireball each, and the Greek chorus of.

"He's not fat!" Screaming around the hero's ears.

"What's going on?" Iolaus sauntered into the bedroom, looked at his once more floored and smouldering, yet again, lover, before heading over to the bed which still sported a screaming, and swearing God of War.

"Cramp!" Ares finally gasped. "Legs, calf muscles, can't reach them.." He groaned, lay back down under the combined grasps of Joxer, Xena and Iolaus.

"Is that all! I thought someone was getting murdered in here." Xena took one leg, and began to work her fingers into the cramping muscles, causing the War God to swear some more.

"Sure sounded like it." Iolaus agreed, taking the other leg and rubbing, eliciting even more obscenities even as Ares' face wore the look of relief that told his torturers all they needed to know, they were getting the cramping muscles.

"Lie back, slow, deep breathing." Joxer pillowed Ares' head in his lap and rubbed the God's shoulders, smoothing his tummy muscles, settling the now active babies growing even as the mortals watched.

"Could someone please explain what's going on here? Since when did any other Gods ever collect in Ares' temple?" Hercules patted out the last few burning bits of leather, but refrained from getting off the floor this time. Seeing it as possibly less painful, as it was less distance to fall should the Gods decide to fry his ass again.

"It's got nothin' ta' do with you, so go away! Leave Ar' in peace here, ok?" 'Dite stood there, hands on hips, chest out, lips pouting, trying her damnedest to look hard, mean, every inch a nasty Goddess. All she achieved was to look as if someone had interrupted her latest orgy, and before she got any at that.

"Forgive this intrusion.." The local Magistrate cowered into the room, rubbing his hand together. "We got the other one, under lock and key, but this one might be a little more difficult to control. Could one of you, well, you know, zap up some unbreakable chains for him, that sort of thing?" He smiled at the Gods and Goddesses, his deities all looked at Hephaestus.

Shrugging, the God of Smiths created a set of chains and manacles even a full God couldn't break out of. He secured Hercules, tested the bonds by lifting the Demi-God to his feet.

"Seem to fit. So, what're the charges?" He asked the local official.

"Assault, forty three counts of assault, forty four if Ares will press charges for last night's unprovoked attack against his person in the dance square. And should any witnesses step forward and make a complaint, we'd not even need Ares to prefer charges." The Magistrate looked around the faces he knew were there the night before.

"I charge Hercules, that he did assault his brother, last night, in this towns dance square. It was an unprovoked attack. Thus I witness, I Hestia of Olympus." Hestia faced the Magistrate, made her statement and totally forgot about her suddenly over protective sister standing right beside her.

"He did what? Hit Ares.. was he pregnant then? Did he risk the babies?" She lurched forward, only to be held back by Hades.

"No, that happened this morning. Now calm down, Hera. You can't touch him, not permanently, Zeus and his protection order, remember that little draw back!" Hades was white knuckling in his bid to prevent his sister from frying Hercules where he sort of stood. Hanging, as he was, from the end of a chain in Hephaestus' hands.

"Zeus!" The world of hatred Hera got into that one word, that name that summed up all evil, in her mind at least, was rather impressive. "This is all his fault!" She declared.

"How so, dear, erm, Goddess?" The Magistrate asked, thinking he might get another criminal rounded up, to leave the town safe for Ares' beloved children to be born, and run about free to play safely.

"He always backs Hercules, never corrects his beloved little bastard's opinion of Ares, oh no, can't have that! Can we?" She glared, impotently, at the half mortal bastard before her. "If Zeus was ever as fair minded as he pretends to be, Ares wouldn't be as hated and reviled as he is."

"Oh, that's rich, coming from you, isn't it?" Hercules screamed as loud as his step mother did.

"Oh, I asked him to go fuck your shit faced mother did I? Last thing I saw looking that bovine, was butchered for a banquet! Trouble is, your whore of a mother'd be far too stringy, even if she weren't dead as last weeks gossip, and only half as amusing!" Hera took an extra deep breath to scream even more rude remarks into Hercules' face when a quiet voice cut through the growing silence.

"I'm getting a head ache. Is this normal?" It was Ares' pain filled voice. This caused an immediate about turn in Hera's attention. Much to Hercules' amazement.

"Oh, son, baby, mummy's sorry. She shouldn't have shouted." She stroked his forehead and relieved the pain entirely. Which had Ares looking at his mother as if she had suddenly grown two more heads.

"Who are you?" He whispered, suspicious of the elder Goddess and her sudden displays of mother love, or whatever she claimed it was.

In the back ground Hercules was quietly dragged away for his trial, to be held later, once the babies were safely born.

"Now, Ares, I admit I've perhaps been a tad too stern with you at times, but I am your mother and I do love you, you know?" She sat on the edge of his bed and made him jump, which caused his legs to cramp up again.

"Ow!" He screamed.

"Kitten!" Hera yelped out her very old, very under used pet name for Ares. Ares had the good sense to blush but say nothing more. His mother, on the other hand began to infuse his body with healing energy. An act of kindness she had been sadly lacking in since he had been three years old.

"So, what did anyone come up with?" Joxer asked, looking around the sea of perplexed Godly faces. "You know, growth rates and Godhoods?" He shrugged.

"What's been going on?" Xena finally asked, unable to fathom out what Joxer was on about.

"I'm having twins." Ares paused while Xena nodded. "An old soul, and a new soul." Again he paused, again she nodded her head. "The old soul is a son, Strife, the new soul will be his twin sister." Ares paused yet again as realisation dawned on Xena's face. "The babies are growing a month an hour inside me, we wanted to know if they'll continue to grow that fast when born, and what Godhood our daughter will have." Ares finally looked at the rest of the rooms occupants.

"Yes, they'll continue to grow a month an hour. They'll reach about twenty five years growth in twelve and a half days." Asclepius told the God, still lying on his bed getting his body rubbed by three willing mortals, and Ares was enjoying it no end too!

"And we think, seeing as how she's reflecting her brother, the God of Mischief, she'd be the Goddess of Mayhem." Hephaestus told his prone brother. "I made new, matching emblems for them, see!" He held up two pendants, a little like lightening bolts shaped as arrows, but they were exquisite none the less. One bore a ruby at its centre, one a sapphire.

"Oh, they're beautiful!" Joxer enthused, aware that Ares would not do so, it not really being a God of War sort of thing to do. "How on Earth are we supposed to keep up with a God and a Goddess growing a month an hour?" The mortal looked down hearted, as if his children were already growing away from any need of his love, help or advice.

"We will all help. Won't we my dears?" Hestia asked her family, in such a tone of voice they'd be fools to disagree, suicidal fools at that.

A sea of nodding heads, and hissed yeses flooded the room.

Ares' stomach rumbled.

"I'm hungry, does anyone want feeding then?" The War God asked, struggling to get to his feet. Once vertical he created a robe for himself, tied it shut, and headed for his dinning room.

"Yeah, could do with a snack." Joxer scrambled off the bed, and followed Ares out, then one by one, the rest of the rooms occupants filed out too, also muttering about hunger, what they wanted to eat, and all talking at once.

"Noisy lot, aren't they?" Joxer asked Ares.

"I suppose that's families for ya'!" Ares smiled and waddled on. Arm around Joxer's shoulders, he was happy enough, for now!

As per most Godly meals, this one looked to be stretching out before them, to take up most of the evening. Ares sat at the head of the table, as was his rightful place as host God, Joxer sat to his right, Xena to his right, and Hera to her right. Going the other way from Ares saw Aphrodite with Hephaestus to her left and Iolaus was on the Fire Gods left. Hades sat to Hera's right hand and Asclepius to his right. Iolaus had Hestia on his left and Hebe to her left. The final arc between Hades and Hestia was taken up with Helen sitting on Asclepius' right, Alecia opposite her on Hebe's left and Apollo faced Ares over the length of the table.

For a table that had never existed until the day before, it was doing sterling service, supporting mounds of food and wine, and even fruit juices for Ares and Joxer. Neither God of Healing deemed alcohol as suitable for either the recovering mortal, or the heavily pregnant God. For a room that was normally so silent, it was echoing the laughter and petty arguments around, sharing the noise with everyone in the room. It all began to get to Ares. He was so used to being on his own that being surrounded by this crowd was making his internal voice sit up and scream silently at him. He did his best to ignore it.

Ares should have heeded that quite inner voice, the one that said 'run away' in a very nervous whisper. The one that reminded him that if anything were to happen to either Gabrielle, or in deed to Hercules, then Xena would not be best pleased. Nor too would his father. The voice that also pointed out that if Hera didn't get to taste victory, then his life, and possibly his babies lives too, simply wouldn't be worth a brass dinar. But it was now far too late to run away, especially as he thought he had just gone into labour, which was less than pleasant. Acting on instinct alone, he shared this fact with his babies other father in a direct manner.

"Oh fuck!" He growled, and crushed Joxer's hand, which made the mortal scream in agony and reach for Xena's hand, squashing it with alarming strength. In the split second it took to register that Joxer was indeed crushing her hand, the Warrior Princess decided that she would never doubt Joxer's strength again. Just in case he did it again to prove his point.

"Ow!" Xena was stoic enough to resist the urge to crush the hand next to hers, especially since it was her grandmother's hand. She looked back up her side of the table, took in Ares' expression and turned to face her grandmother. "Erm, Grandmother, I think it's time, Ares looks like a God in labour."

Hera leaned over and peered at her heavily pregnant son and pushed her awareness out to touch his convulsing body. She let her Godhood meld with Ares' body and his unborn babies.

"Not yet a while. These are just practice contractions. I'd say maybe another hour and a half at most though." She put down the goblet of wine she had been holding and looked up the table to her stepson and his son. "Apollo, Asclepius, the practice contractions have started." She smiled at the two healers, seeing them shaking off the affects of the wine they had consumed with the earlier part of the meal. As she looked around the table she saw every eye settling on her son, her not too used to being the centre of attention son. Things looked as if they needed to be distracted, and soon, before Ares could erupt in an aggressive action brought on by his being looked at with such intensity.

And that she had to admit, to herself at least, was entirely her own fault, having never wanted to be Zeus' wife, nor to bear his children. All that resentment she had laid squarely on Ares' shoulders at around three years old. Silently, Hera prayed Ares would be a better parent than she ever had been.

That prayer was picked up by Ares' eldest surviving child. The content certainly surprised him, more so the originator of that prayer. Curiosity as to why his grandmother should issue such a prayer lead him to seeking out his father, just to make sure he was alright, at least, that was how he put it to himself.

Into the already crowded dining hall, Cupid arrived.

"Hey dad, what's new?" The words died on his lips. Where once he could appear before his father and find him in a hall with one or two chairs, it depending on whether it was a private temple or one he had let Strife share, here he was, facing his father over a huge table and a sea of Godly and mortal faces. "What's going on? Are you alright dad? They're not bothering you are they?"

"No, well, I'm alright, considering, and they aren't bothering me too much, yet." Ares was over the first round of practice contractions, now that he knew what they were he could cope with them. It was the temple full of friends and relatives that gave him cause to panic. He'd never had friends before, and his relatives usually kept him at extreme distances. Except Dite and Cupid, they tended to haunt him. Less so his son, since Strife had died, Cupid had found it too painful to go where he and Strife had gone. They were not closer related than cousins, but they had been the best of friends all their lives. Ares had often speculated if his son and nephew were lovers, but had refrained from asking, seeing as he thought it non of his concern either way.

"Considering what?" The young Love God asked, looking for somewhere he could sit and join the throng. "What's everyone doing here? Hiding from Gramps again? This was always a good temple to hide out in when Gramps was on a rampage. Me and Strife did so, so often." As always when he remembered his best friend, the Love God had a catch in his throat, and a sad smile on his face. Finally he nudged Apollo across a bit and created a stool for himself.

For once in his long life, Ares felt he could actually do something positive for his son. Not that he never did anything positive, he just didn't know what positive was sometimes. Never having had any contact with positive parenting himself as a child.

"Well, give it a couple of weeks and you two can hide out again. Only this time there'll be three of you!" Ares heaved himself up and stood facing his son, hands on his heavily distended belly. "See, Strife's in here, with a twin sister no less. And he'll be born in about an hours time." Ares stroked his belly, a soft smile on his lips, and sat back down, the exertion having been almost too much for him.

"Twins?" Cupid asked, mouth left hanging open in shock. "Strife?" He managed next. "A sister?" He finally concluded his detail summery of his father's statement. "Is this someone's idea of a joke?" He glared around the table and halted when he met his mother's eyes, and she blushed. "Mother?" Though it wasn't Aphrodite that actually answered him.

"It all started when Joxer tried to kill himself. Ares saved him. Then Hercules tried to beat up your dad for singing a silly song. It was actually quite funny, and I think it came in first; but anyway, no one said to me it wasn't to be real, so naturally, I showed your mother how to do it for real, so she did, so leave her alone, okay?" It was possibly the longest, and most aggressive speech anyone had ever heard Asclepius make. Every eye moved from Ares to him, and he squirmed, blushed and almost fainted. Most of the faces turned in his direction showed amazement, except for Aphrodite's face, she showed her thanks to him, and something else. Something that left the nervous God of Healing an even bigger nervous wreck than normal.

"Oh!" Was about all the winged God could manage.

"Aren't you happy? To be getting Strife back, as a brother, and a new sister too?" Aphrodite risked questioning her son. She kept behind the bulk of her darling Hephy, but asked him anyway.

"It's a bit of a shock." Cupid admitted his confusion. "So, who's the lucky father, er, mother, whatever?"

"Joxer!" Ares stated proudly, just as Joxer spoke up for himself.

"I am!" He admitted, taking Ares' left hand and holding on for dear life.

"Joxer!?" Cupid would have screamed, had he been able to get enough air into his suddenly paralysed lungs, a fact that was noted, and appreciated, by the Gods sitting around him. None of whom relished the idea of spending the rest of creation deaf!

"And what's wrong with Joxie?" His mother finally leaned out, across the table, to look at her son, ready to stand up and be counted in Joxer's defence.

"Nothing, it's just all so sudden! Like, when did you fall pregnant?" Cupid looked at his glowing, happy father and waited for some sort of response.

"This morning." Ares beamed, looked at Joxer, who was looking at him, naturally, and he leaned over and kissed the startled mortal. Not being that slow on the uptake, Joxer kissed him right back.

"This morning? You've been pregnant all day and no one thought to mention it to me?" Cupid was cross, almost angry, at having been left out of his dad's pregnancy.

"It's been kinda busy, what with Herc and Gabrielle mounting their attack and the towns folks fighting back. It slipped my mind. After all, we aren't that close, are we, son?" Ares looked down the length of the table at his son.

"Still!" Cupid pouted, huffed slightly, folded his arms over his stomach and leaned on his elbows. His classic 'I'm not happy with you' pose. Cupid suddenly looked up at his father, meeting his steady, warm, gaze. "Just what do you mean Herc and Gabs mounted an attack? Did they try to harm you? Or the babies?" Very few of that rooms occupants had ever seen Cupid in a rage, let alone ready to kill, but they all saw it now.

"It's sorted, leave it alone okay?" Ares was getting mellow, he wasn't too sure how or why, but he would just go with the flow and see what happened.

"But dad, he could've harmed you, or Strife, or our sister! I should have been here to deal with him for you. Don't you trust me? Don't you think I could rip his head clean off with he best of them?" Cupid glowered, looking every inch like that other Cupid, the War God version from the next universe over.

"Well, of course you can, you're my boy. It's just that things kinda moved far too fast and we haven't had time to think. I am sorry you were left out of the loop, okay?" Ares smiled at his eldest boy, focusing his own largely unused father love at the Love God.

The impact of his father's primal emotions towards him damn near blew his socks off. Cupid rocked back and just savoured the emotions.

"Oh pops!" He muttered. Ares tried to be placatory, not his strongest suit by any degree of imagination, but he did manage it, eventually.

"Well, you're here now, you might as well stay for the main event." Ares settled back in his chair, his legs cramping again, and his back throbbing in agony. "But, either way, my legs are sore, as is my back, I'm going to lie down, ok?" He slowly got to his feet and waddled off towards his bedroom, with Joxer still with him.

"So, how much longer then?" Cupid asked everyone in general.

"Actually, I think you're grandmother was slightly out in her estimate of an hour and a half, I'd say about forty to forty five minutes maximum." Asclepius informed him.

"Guess I'm staying then!" And Cupid settled in for the rest of the wait till his brother and sister would be born. "Hey, I'm going to be a big brother ... again!" And he glanced at Xena as he spoke. The Warrior Princess blushed slightly under the scrutiny.

All that could be heard from Ares' room was long, low, groans of delight. It sounded so sexual, so basic that it turned on just about everyone, God or mortal that heard the ululating tone. If any of them had been brave enough to enquire within they would have found Ares, granted a naked Ares, laid out on his side, his distended belly supported by pillows, and Joxer rubbing his lower back in tiny little circular motions. The groaning was the relief of his lower back pain.

Suddenly, the tone changed and Ares gasped in intense pain, much more pointed and sharp than the practice pain. This was the real thing and they had to deal with it quickly, he was a God, not a Goddess, and he was not designed for this. As pregnant women in all ages of the world were want to do, he did that which came hard wired into instinct.

"Mamma!" He yelled. Hera came running, followed by everyone else who had seen the diminutive Queen of the Gods take off like the proverbial scalded cat.

"Kitten!" She'd screamed as she dove for the door and the short corridor beyond.

"It's time, I think." Apollo called over his shoulder as he dashed after his step mother.

"Heph, your finest, and sharpest blade if you please?" Asclepius called out, chasing after his dad.

"The baby clothes!" Alecia and Helen looked at each other and headed for the main temple area and the pile of baby things left there to show how much the townsfolk wanted these babies to be born there, to be raised there, to feel safe there.

Iolaus had followed the Gods, as did Xena, Hephaestus had disappeared in a bright flash, looking for the blades he made for the healers, he always kept some in store for them. Clean, sharp, ready to be used. He'd just never envisioned they'd be used on his beautiful brother to deliver his no doubt beautiful babies.

Hebe tried to saunter out calmly as she headed for her brother's bedchamber, she fooled no one, however, and gave up and simply ran the rest of the short distance. Hestia vanished there in a bright flash, once she arrived she let her powers sweep the room clean, nothing could be left to chance.

Finally, all that remained in the dining room were Hades, Aphrodite and Cupid. They sat there looking at each other, wondering what they could do to help, and it was Hades who finally realised something everyone had over looked.

"Erm, Dite, Cupes, when the babies are born, being Gods, himself will feel their arrival. How do you think he'll react?" he looked at his sister and her son, they looked right on back, both of them realising the same thing at the same time.

"This is Ares, he might try and kill the babies, seeing as he wasn't consulted on their conception or anything." Cupid finally put their fears into words.

"My thoughts exactly. Lets tie down the shields of this place and make ready with the reception party. If Heph and the others can get them born and wearing their emblems, before he sets eyes on them, then they'll be Gods and even Zeus can't touch them." Hades rose from the table and looked at his allies, they looked right back, got to their feet and nodded compliance with his leadership.

Across the main town square, in their cells, Gabrielle slept, having given in to her exhaustion, and finally run out of things to berate Hercules with. For his part, Hercules felt something was happening, he could see Ares' temple doors from his cell, and he watched the folks running out of there, shouting at each other, calling out a simple message. 'It's time' they yelled, and Hercules knew exactly what time they meant. Over there, in that small Temple, his nephew and niece were being born. A nephew and niece he would have killed had he arrived there with his first thought intact. Beat up Ares! The shock of knowing he would have killed those babies brought tears to his eyes, and a prayer to his lips.

"By the Fates, I'm glad I never raised a hand against them. Be well Ares." He stood and watched, hoping someone would come and tell him how things went. "By the Gods, little ones, I vow I'll always protect you!" Hercules heard a noise from behind him and turned to see that his vow had been witnessed.

"Hercules, my boy, would you be so good as to tell me what exactly is going on round here?" And Zeus crossed over to Hercules' cell bed and sat down. "I got word from the Fates that two new Gods were being born here, and when I arrived, I was bounced! Can you believe it? I was bounced by Ares' shields. Only it felt like it was Hades or Dite or even Cupid that bounced me. What is going on?" And he sat there, fuming quietly, looking at Hercules.

The hero realised that this was the first time he would be called upon to defend and protect those innocent babies.

"Well, you know how it is when babies are being born. And I mean cut out here, not normal being born. Can't have too many people popping in and out at random, they might hurt the babies somehow." He sat beside his father and wrapped his chained arms around him as best he could, entwining the King of the Gods in Hephaestian chain. For his part, Zeus was too cross and distracted to notice till it was too late. "Ares is having babies, twins, Gods, isn't that wonderful?"

And stuck in that chain with his Demi-God son, there wasn't a blind thing Zeus could do about it.

In Ares' bedroom, Apollo and Asclepius were altering his perceptions, somewhat drastically. As the War God tended to be unresponsive to the more normal methods of Godly pain relief and healing, the two Gods of Medicine were having to get creative.

Ares, however, was getting stoned.

Hera was fussing over her son's bed, fluffing pillows and generally getting in a lot of overdue mother fussings. She turned as the two mortal women Ares had made friends with entered with cribs and baby things.

"What is this?" She asked, as gently as she knew how.

"Alexander the Carpenter made these cribs first thing this morning." Helen told the elder Goddess. "Isn't it neat?" She beamed as she put it on the floor, where it was joined by the one Alecia had carried.

Hera examined the cribs, granted they were no where near as fancy as the ones the Gods tended to create for themselves, but she had to agree they were neatly made. Probably more suited to Ares' personal style than a more fancy Godly one.

"Very neat, sturdy too." She rocked the nearest one, imagining her grand child in it.

"We've got blankets too." Alecia unslung the wrapped bundle from her back and set it on the nearest chair. She untied it, handing out two lamb fleeces to Helen and Hera.

For the first time in her life Hera made a bed the mortal way. She laid the lamb fleece on the mattress in one of the cribs, just as Helen did. Then she looked up as Alecia handed them both fine linen sheets to go over the fleeces. A blue blanket was handed to Hera, a pink one to Helen, and they too were put into the cribs and the linen sheet folded back over the top. It struck Hera that she was making Strife's first bed for him, it was an idea that definitely made her smile.

"There are lots more blankets if the babies need them, all colours and sizes." Alecia said, she dug back into her somewhat depleted bundle and pulled out two soft, cuddle toys. "My mother made these, she makes them to sell in the market, she just changed their clothing to fit." She passed a bear in a blue vest to Hera and bear in a pink vest to Helen, they looked so sweet, sitting there, waiting for the babies to be born.

"Do we have baths for them both?" Hera asked the girls, seeing as they looked to be so practical, as well as friendly.

"No, oh, we'll need them to wash them won't we? Where can we get them at this hour?" Alecia asked the last question of Helen.

"No matter, here, baths I can do." Hera produced two tables, each with a bath of warm water sitting on it. "The water will stay warm as long as we need it too.

"Wrappings, clothes, towels, they're all out on the alter. I'll go fetch them." Helen ran from the room and hurried to the alter to retrieve even more items of baby gear. She skidded to a halt just outside the door to Ares' room and walked gracefully in. She caught the humour glinting in Hera's eye and smiled shyly back at the Goddess.

Then the first, loud, lusty wail cried out, heralding the arrival of the first baby.

"Ooh, I've had a baby something!" The less than thinking straight God of War announced. "Give it here?" He held out his arms to Apollo.

"It's Strife, Ares, this is your son." He laid Strife above the bump, as best he could, letting his fathers stoke him and see him for a moment. Then, smiling at the very happy grin on his brother's face he handed Strife to Hera. "He's getting cold Ares, he has to be washed and wrapped. Joxer, you might want to go cut the cord." He nudged the mortal man in Hera's direction.

Joxer watched as Hera bathed the baby, Strife, his son. She had the cord neatly tied off and handed him one of Hephaestus' ultra sharp knives to cut it where she indicated.

Once he did his appointed task, she shooed him back to Ares' side in time to see their daughter make her entrance. She too screamed lustily, assuring all present of her strength and determined nature.

The cuddling, bathing, cutting ritual was repeated.

Ares was even further gone on the pain divergence spell than before.

"I got two babies. Whee! Strifey and Mayhemy.. oh dear, that doesn't sound good. Hmm, Strifey and thingy. We need a real name for her." He tried to sit up and failed. His body didn't respond to his commands. "I'm dead from the belly down!" He pointed this out calmly, seeing as he was well beyond worrying about anything at that point.

"It's the divergence spell, so you don't feel any pain." Asclepius pointed out just as calmly.

"Oh goody." Ares grinned at him, eyes half shut, brain simply not in gear. "I had babies, did you know that?" He asked the younger God of Medicine, patting his nephews hand as he spoke.

"Yes uncle, I helped deliver them, remember?" The healer patted his uncles hand in return, sure that if Ares had been in his right mind he'd be toast for doing this.

"So you did!" Ares' voice squeaked in delight. "They are such pretty babies, aren't they?" He went back to patting and beaming.

Joxer brought the babies over to let him see.

"Can he sit up or does he have to remain lying down?" He asked Apollo as he passed him.

"He has to remain lying down, for an hour or two at least, to let his skin close up and heal a little. It'll take a day or two for it all to heal properly, Ares never did heal quite the same way as the rest of us." He saw the worried look on Joxer's face and rushed to reassure him. "He'll be fine, a bit dopey and spacey for a while but otherwise fine." Let's see to the babies then." He took the nearest baby from Joxer and placed it on the bed beside Ares. He unwrapped it and checked it over thoroughly.

"Strife's fine." Wrapping him up again he handed the newly reborn God to his flat out on his back father. "Here, careful now, but you can hug him for a while."

"I think Strife might want a name too. Like his sister does. Strife was always more of job description than a name." Ares unwrapped the baby until he could grasp his tiny hand. "Joxer, we gotta name him too!" The God of War sniffed noisily as he started to cry. "My baby boy needs a name, he never had one before."

"Shh, Ares, we'll give him a name. What name do you have in mind?" Joxer asked, crouching down beside the bed, stroking Strife's forehead.

"I don't know!" Ares wailed even louder.

The rest of the audience began suggesting names. All sorts of names. From Alpha to Omega, and all at once. Yet, one name did stand out from the rest, and Joxer and Ares both heard it quite clearly.

"Javan" Someone said.

"Javan. I like that one." Joxer pointed out.

"Javan, it's a strong name. I like it." Ares agreed.

Javan!" Ares shouted out, stopping the cascade of boys names.

"Oh, my!" Hebe whispered. "That was my suggestion." She blushed and caught her brother's eye.

"C'mere!" Ares waved her forward. She joined Joxer by the side of the bed. "This is Javan, Javan, this is your Aunty Hebe. She named you, be nice to her, an' she'll be nice to you too."

Hebe, Goddess of Youth, looked at her nephew and gently kissed his brow.

"Javan." She whispered, stood and melted back into the background.

"And his sister?" Joxer asked, reaching for the now thoroughly checked over baby girl.

The cavalcade of name calling began again, Gods and mortals alike calling out names.

"Melantha!" A voice called out.

"Melantha?" Ares tried out the name.

"Melantha? Melantha!" Joxer tried it coaxing and sharp, it sounded good. He nodded at Ares, Ares grinned back.

"Melantha it is!" Ares looked at the audience around them and saw Iolaus blush. "Iolaus, was it you that called out Melantha?"

"Erm, yeah, it was." The hunter blushed.

"Oh, it's a good name." Joxer grinned at the hunter, realising, finally, that Iolaus was a good friend, he had never been rude to him, except that one time when they had just met, and Hercules was leaving him behind to fall in love with the dear woman, hind, that was it.

"Thank you." Iolaus realised something too, Joxer had forgiven him for his part in his near death, a death that would have resulted in these babies never having been conceived.

"Melantha meet Iolaus, Iolaus this is Melantha, Goddess of Mayhem, isn't she wonderful?" Ares asked, grinning like a maniac.

"She is, and thank you for the privilege of naming her." He kissed the child, and taking his life in his hands, he kissed Ares. "Well done, Ares." He whispered as the kiss ended. Right when Joxer snarled, it ended.

"Well done, kitten, they are beautiful babies." His mother kissed him, and in his befuddled state, he kissed her too, much to her delight.

Everyone wanted to kiss him. Not that he minded. At least until Joxer asked if Hades and the others had been informed of the babies safe births. Then Ares began to cry, declaring that his poor Cupid had to come see his brother and sister, and that after Hades and 'Dite saw them he wanted everyone bar Joxer and Cupie to go do something.

Given his odd frame of mind, the others decided getting some rest might be to the advantage, until Hera asked a very pertinent question.

"Who is all feeding the babies?" She looked at the sea of blank faces and continued. "They'll need a lot of feeding, given their growth rates."

"We'll all do it." Aphrodite announced, glaring everyone, including the virginal Hestia into submission.

"And us, if you can make us make milk." Helen offered her services and Alecia's. Not that Alecia minded, it meant that she would be spending even more time in Asclepius' company.

"Oh, that is sweet of you, yes, it can be managed. I'll take first feeds then." Hera re-entered Ares' room. "Ares, kitten, it's time for the babies to be fed." She hoped he would forgive the intrusion, not only that, she hoped he would forgive her a lot of other things too, eventually.

"Ok, how do I feed them." Ares looked at the babies, then Joxer, who shrugged, finally at Cupid, who shrugged deeper.

"I'm feeding them, silly, me and the rest of the Goddesses and that delightful Helen and Alecia." She sat, lifted the first baby and bared a breast, latching the baby on, she smiled as the milk was drunk from her.

"Alecia fancies Asclepius like crazy. Asclepius fancies Alecia like crazy too. I think Cupie should shoot them, kapow!" Ares added crossbow like sound effects.

"No need, they seem to be doing fine on their own." Cupid smiled at his dad, and at his grandmother, feeding either his brother or his sister.

"Who explained sex to Asclepius?" Ares asked.

"His dad, it was a riot listening to them. Me and Strife bugged Apollo's rooms so we could listen in!" For the first time in a long time, the mention of his best friends name brought a smile, rather than a frown, to his face.

A steady stream of Goddesses, and Helen and Alecia traipsed in and out of Ares' room, feeding the constantly hungry and growing babies.

Ares and Joxer slept, finally, for five hours or so. When they awoke their babies were sitting up, not quite ready to stand, but aware, smiling, happy, loving.

Ares though, was still stoned.

It was shortly after midnight and he decided he wanted to present his babies to their worshipers. Priests were woken and sent out to see if anyone wanted to meet the new God and Goddess. They were told to ask politely, and to not rouse anyone from their bed. Not that their injunction was proof against the townsfolk waking each other, donning robes and coming to Ares' temple to meet the babies they had tried so very hard to protect. As Ares held up each child in turn the wave of adulation was intense. Ares almost swooned at the intensity of their love for his babies, and for him too. So he worshipped them right back.

When a God is worshipped, his powers increase, when a God worships, especially a mortal, then that subjects of Godly worship changes for always. It is such a rare occurrence that none of the other Gods knew quite what to expect. Thankfully, with Ares' concentration being well off it's normal beat, all Ares ended up with several hundred even more devout than the day before, followers of Ares, Defender of Innocents. As did his babies.

For his part, Ares decided to do something nice for his wonderful towns folks. So he threw a party, a children's party, having woken, and transported all the children in the town to his temple, to let them meet Javan and Melantha too. Strife and Mayhem grew up a little more, knowing only the love of their peers, and their father's peers.

By the time the jailers went to Hercules' cell, and discovered Zeus chained up by the Demi-God, the babies were eight months old, almost nine. Standing was so easy, walking was almost there, teeth were well into place, and biting was a great deal of fun.

And Ares was singing.

Ares sang... again

I was lost and alone, aged around three

In Hades domain with them all looking for me

I'd wandered away, was gonna stay late

With the great big dog who was guarding the gate...

This time he ran a full colour, stereo sound, re-showing of the actual incident, complete with the less than friendly real Hera

Now heed my advice, avoid at all cost

Dealing with a dog with more heads than your host

Each one slobbered wetly

As it smelt into me

Unleashed the power of its breath over me

Oddly enough, Javan and Melantha loved chasing the image of Cerberus around the temple, making squealing noises that sounded suspiciously like ooh-eee, or Doggee if you real thought about it.. All on all fours, naturally, no point in chasing a four legged, three headed beast on two very shaky legs, when crawling on all fours was faster, and you didn't fall over anywhere near as much!

I'd proved to myself, that I rather liked dogs

But mother just beat me

Using several big logs

She didn't trust Cerberus not three heads or one

She was quite panicked when his licking was done

Hera was both embarrassed and horrified at her actions all those years ago. She couldn't look at the images, she couldn't look at her son, she most assuredly couldn't look at her husband, had he been there or she'd kill him herself, she was sure he had been behind it all.. something just tickled her memory, just out of reach.

I'd let the dog lick and play all around

He'd bring back the dead, dropin' them on the ground

Imagine how awesome his dog breath to be

I stank to high heaven

Cerberus smelt onto me...

Ares created an image of Hera who sang...

Did you think I'd approve

Of your playing with a friend

Your a War God my Ares

Your childhood's at an end

Let go

A three headed dog will never be your pet

So you can just - let go

By the end of it the real Hera was really crying, great bucket loads of inelegant noises, and Joxer was comforting her, Hades was trying very hard to get Ares to sing something else, if for no other reason than to save Strife ending up in his domain again.

"I remember it now, Zeus had just been bragging to me, he'd fathered even more Demi-God bastards, he threatened that if Ares didn't shape up, he'd kill him and elevate one of his half breeds into his place." Hera sniffled inelegantly, wiping her nose on the scrap of cloth Joxer offered her. Neither of them realised that Ares, the emotionally see-sawing Ares was right behind them, listening.

"He did what?" He screamed, attracting every Godly ear in the temple.

"Who did what, where, when, why?" Hades asked, a little deaf after Ares' shout right into his ear, and a little alarmed at Ares' distress and Hera's renewed tears.

"Zeus, threatened to kill Ares when he was three, to elevate one of his bastard half breeds into Ares' place, seemingly." Joxer told him. To add to the troubles in Ares' temple, the local Magistrate had entered, heard what was said and announced his latest prisoner was Zeus himself, and he was going to proffer charges of attempted infanticide.

They pleaded with him not to, to leave it to the Gods, but the Magistrate, like everyone else in the town, loved Ares and his babies, and even if the threat was almost two thousand years before, it didn't matter, a crime was a crime and they had both the criminal and witnesses there.

That was when he told them that Hercules had intercepted Zeus sometime during the night, and they were both tangled up in Hephaestus' chains, going nowhere, except on trial.

"Now what do we do?" Hades asked his sisters.

Hera shrugged, tempted to take the stand and decry her husbands past actions in court. Hestia shrugged too, unsure of what the Fates had in store for any of them. Aphrodite wrinkled her nose and sighed, deeply.

"We rescue the old fart." She finally said. "Not that he deserves it, but he is kinda King of the Gods, and as such, he does kinda deserve some .. something, ya' know?"

"Oh, well, come on then, clear the temple, sort breakfast, and lets get on with things." Hades issued commands, and for once had them obeyed instantly. He rather resented rescuing Zeus, being the stand in top God was fun!

Their plan, as these things go, was simple. With all the distractions going on around them, even for the Gods, the plan just had to be simple. Fool proof enough for even Hercules to not mess up too badly, or so they hoped. They would just have to go get Zeus from the courtroom, where ever it was going to be held in. Even if they had to plead his case!

By the time breakfast was over, and the prisoners had been fed, the Magistrate and his courtly officers, had to approach the God with the biggest temple around. That God was, oddly enough, not Ares, their beloved God, but his big brother Apollo. By the time Apollo agreed, and the Temple court was set up, the babies were walking, or rather, toddling, and Ares was back on his feet, only slightly stoned, but still slightly delayed with his reality as opposed to everyone else's reality.

"Right, I want Ares and the babies settled first, he's still not hot on moving and can't just move himself there." Hades, still relishing his current position as top dog in the God stakes, directed Joxer and Iolaus to assist Ares over to his brother's temple. Xena was to take her brother and sister, a task she didn't find too onerous.

"Come on, love, let's get over there." Joxer held out his hand to assist his lover onto his feet. Ares took the hand and exerted his strength, pulling the startled mortal down and rolling him over so he was lying beneath him, kissing him soundly.

"Erm, Ares, this isn't helping the trials get started." Iolaus pointed out, face bright red in embarrassment.

"Trials? What trials?" Ares looked thoughtful for a moment, then perked up, apparently having remembered something. "Dog, horse or people trials?" He thought a bit, again. "I kinda like dog trials, ya' know, where they jump through loops and carry fires around, and fell run away things and mortals..." He got to his feet, slowly, leaving a well kissed and hugged Joxer behind. "Wonder if they'll have nice dogs, or just the snappy, barky ones?" He wandered out the door, turned around and came back. "Where we going Joxer?" He looked so lost, so innocent that even the hunter's body was responding.

"Apollo's temple." Joxer told him, getting to his feet and taking his lover's hand, more to keep a hold of him than to declare his feelings for him.

Iolaus backed up his friend whole heartedly.

"Yeah, he's got a bigger main hall than you do, more room for witnesses and observers and stuff like that. Come on, they can't start with out you there." He smiled at the befuddled God and lead the way out of Ares' temple.

They made it as far as the market without further incident. Alas, incidents happened thick and fast in the market.

Ares saw a stall selling toys and wandered over to look at them, dragging Joxer and Iolaus behind him.

Iolaus trod, somewhat heavily, on a visiting trader's feet as the single minded God dragged him along.

The trader was none too happy at the sudden pain in his feet, so he tried to hit the passing blond man.

The intended blow didn't strike Iolaus, it hit Joxer.

Ares didn't like that.

Neither did the other people in the market place.

The riot started small, but rapidly grew until almost everyone was involved, with Joxer and Iolaus sitting with Ares under the toy stall, keeping out of the road of the missiles as best they could. Of course, Ares was giving them a running commentary of what was thrown where, and if he knew, by whom.

"Philip the blacksmith just threw a shallow pot at Mister Sore-toes." (the name he allotted to Iolaus' not friend who started all the trouble). He continued. "Mister Sore-toes ducked and the pot flies over his head and straight towards, NO!" Ares was slightly dippy still, but he was also heavily into Ares, Defender mode, and the pot was flying at his children.

Ares jumped up, as best he could and fired off a not too carefully aimed blast at the offending pot. That it hit it was more luck than judgement. That it did something positive was odd too, especially as the pot turned, in flight, into a spinning globe of very cold water.

Hearing the commotion, Xena turned, saw the pot heading for her and the kids, but before she could get her trusty Chakram out and deflect the pot, it was hit by Ares' powers, transformed, and hit her square between the eyes, drenching her.

"Ares!" She snarled, reached for Strife, or baby Javan as he was now called, having dropped his hand in preparation of drawing her Chakram, and found his hand wasn't where she'd left it. "Javan!" She more screamed than called.

Everyone, mortal and God stood perfectly still, except for the stranger and a small child running towards the toy stall, right towards the irate trader.

"Ah-ah!" Strife called out, seeing his daddy, both of them, he smiled and tottered on, unsteadily. He ran smack into the traders legs.

"What is it with people in this town and hurting my bleeding feet and legs?" He yelled, grabbed up the now terrified baby God, filled with memories of being a God before, and facing a very angry man, instead of a seriously insane Goddess.

Xena saw the man grab her brother, she heard her brother's cry of fear.

Ares saw him grab up his baby, and he too heard Strife's fear.

Joxer didn't wait to process the data, he just went for him.

He picked up one of Philips stray pans and grabbed his son in one hand and clanged the man upside his head with the pan firmly held in the other hand.

"That is MY son you're hurting!" Clang! Javan temporarily forgot all about being a God, all he knew was his daddy was saving him, and his daddies loved him. Which, to a toddler, is all that really matters.

The trader loosened his grip on Strife, clutched his head, whimpered, dropped to his knees and was roundly kicked in the back by a woman carrying a baby girl, yipping like a Celtic Banshee, and applauded by a tall dark haired man reaching for both children.

"Babies?" Ares took Strife from Joxer and Mayhem from Xena, stood them both on the ground and hugged them close. "Did that nasty man frighten you?" He crooned at them, kissing cheeks as he went.

To cap it all off Hades and Asclepius turned up, looked at the mess and they groaned in perfect harmony.

"What happened?" Hades asked.

"See, Hades, it's like this.." On hearing Joxer mention the God's name the trader keeled over as if dead himself.

It took several minutes to deal with the mayhem. Not that the new Goddess of Mayhem directly caused any of it, but she and her brother certainly benefited from the fall out of all that strife and mayhem.

"Is he all right?" Iolaus asked the God of Healing, pointing at the fallen trader.

"Just fainted. Give me a moment here..." Asclepius summonsed a couple of stout fellows from his own temple and bid them take care of the fool, before Ares fried him next time. Oh, and to get him away from the market before the townsfolk hung him for threatening their Gods.

Disaster averted, Ares stood up, took one hand from each baby and bending over at a painful angle, he headed for Apollo's temple.

"Xena, come along." He looked at his daughter, quite sternly, considering his current mental state. "I want my babies together, and that includes you!"

Shrugging, she gave in, took one child on one hip and held Ares' hand with the other. Being a lot wiser than folks often gave him credit for, Joxer took the other baby on one hip and Ares' other hand with his free hand. Iolaus ran ahead to clear the way. Hades brought up the rear, incase they had to hide the bodies. Asclepius went ahead, the Godly way, to let everyone know what had happened, and that it was safe to release Hera again.

Hera still wanted to kill the trader who had threatened her son and grandchildren, but agreed to fume quietly in order to not upset their plans any further. She did ask her sister Fortune to take a special, and a not very pleasant interest in the man's future. Ares had long been a favourite of Fortune's.

The prisoners had watched the pacing and fuming being done by Hera, only Zeus saw the efforts being made by the other Goddesses in holding his wife in check. Only he fully heard, and understood, what they were doing. The why he didn't know.

"What's going on? What's Hera so mad at this time?" It was Gabrielle that asked the question, it was Hercules that answered her, startling Zeus as he did so.

"Probably defending Ares and/or the children."

"What children?" Gabrielle had calmed down enough to bring out her half whispered tone that was supposed to be alluring and sexy, but most folks just found it annoying, not that anyone could ever tell her that.

"Ares' children." Hercules simply loved the shocked into silence mode she had no option but to employ.

"Wonder if we'll see the new brats?" Zeus muttered, he muttered aloud and forgot he was currently chained to Hercules, a Hercules in protective mode no less.

"If we do, it will be an honour and a privilege." He yanked on the chains securing his father at his side, hurting the God as only Hephaestian metal could. "And don't you ever forget I vowed to protect them!"

Even across the hall, angered as she was, Hera heard her stepson mention his vow of protection towards Ares' children. She was spell bound, that the annoying bastard could actually do something right by Ares.

Ares and his party finally arrived, the War God was showing signs of pain and looked more than a little confused, all he saw were Gabrielle, Hercules and his father, no dogs, he had been so looking forward to seeing a dog trial too. He sat with Joxer, Xena and Iolaus, the children on his and Joxer's knees. Except Xena, she had convinced him she was old enough to sit by herself, which he had graciously granted, but only so long as she behaved herself and sat quietly. She so promised.

The Magistrate finally called the trials to order, it was then Ares found out how many people Hercules had beat up the day before, and that his father was on trial for threatening his life when he was three. He was impressed by the number of unfortunates that Gabrielle had felled the day before. She was pretty nippy with a stick!

Xena sat as still as she could, the desire to grab her companion and run away almost, but not quite, outweighed her common sense, so she remained there, rather than fight all the Gods present.

Hercules had to admit to hitting the people the day before, simply because he had hit them, likewise Gabrielle had to too. Also, Apollo did have them under a truth spell and that meant they simply couldn't lie.

Having admitted their guilt, they were asked if anything should be taking into consideration before the Magistrate passed sentence on them. Both shook their heads, it was Hera who spoke up.

"I have something to say, on Hercules' behalf." She shocked just about everyone there, from Hercules to Zeus and back again.

"Then speak fair Goddess." The Magistrate didn't fancy arguing with his beloved God's mother. He knew her reputation all too well.

"Hercules has vowed to protect Ares' babies, that vow would stretch to not causing harm to their fathers, seeing as that would cause them distress, and thus would hurt the children. He is no longer a danger to Ares, or your society, as, likewise, your town is the only place in Greece to worship Strife and Mayhem, a disruption to your beliefs would also hurt them. By his own words, he is stopped cold, he can not harm them, or their fathers." She smiled, ever so sweetly at the Magistrate, and her stepson.

"What about the woman, Gabrielle?" The Magistrate looked almost disappointed, but perked up when she shrugged.

"Do with her as you will, she has neither honour, nor wit, to avow her behaviour and fidelity." Hera didn't look at the woman, she merely glanced at her stepson, once.

Xena squirmed, she was distressed at hearing her grandmother speak ill of her companion like that, but embarrassed to have to admit, even to herself, that she was right. She stood up, she had to say something in Gabrielle's defence, but before she could speak her father did.

"I warned you, young lady!" He compelled her to sit on his knee, clasping her hands together as she did so.

"I have to say something in Gabrielle's defence." She spoke not to the court, but to Ares. The War God slowly processed the information and asked his own, pertinent, question, or so he thought.

"Is she a good doggy or a bad doggy?" He still had the idea of dog trials firmly fixed in his mind.

"She's not a doggy." Xena said.

Ares just looked at her until she squirmed and began to wriggle. "All right, she's mostly a good doggy with the occasional lapses into bad doggyness, okay?"

"Fine, then you just have to train her better." So saying Xena's father exerted his powers, erratic as they were, at Gabrielle and there, on Apollo's temple chair sat a big, blonde coloured dog, erm, bitch. It was suddenly apparent to everyone that Gabrielle the bad human was now Gabrielle the could be better trained dog.

"Ares!" Xena tried to jump up and protest, she failed to get off the fatherly lap.

"Ah, what do you say?" Ares demanded.

"Daddy!" She protested again, this time Ares let her off his lap.

"Would you rather we had sent her to prison, to be hung for her crimes? One or two assaults we could overlook, but not her twenty four counts she gathered yesterday. One of which is still serious enough to be hanging in the balance as murder?" The Magistrate simply didn't want to argue his Gods punishment, not if it made him a laughing stock, the Magistrate that hung a dog, no way! "Maybe if you train her well enough, your honoured father would change her back?" He looked hopefully at the God in question.

"Once she's trained up, who knows?" Ares rather liked the look of Xena's new dog. "Would you consider breading from her? She has very nice lines and markings?" He looked hopefully at his elder daughter.

"No!" Xena exclaimed. Just as her brother and sister ran from their fathers grasps towards the prisoners to grasp the doggy.

"Doddee!" They both cried out, ran up and hugged the startled, and trembling dog.

Zeus watched the children approach, he hadn't known until after they were born that these Gods even existed, now there they were, both wearing Godly Emblems around their necks. Hugging the dog that used to be Gabrielle.

"Hello?" He ventured. "My name is Zeus, I'm your grandfather." The children were amazing, to him, they were literally growing before his very eyes. They looked about eighteen months old now.

"Eh-oh!" The boy said.

"Eh-oh, sa' doddee!" The girl said.

Everyone in the court held their breaths, all watching to make sure Zeus didn't harm these children, not like he'd harmed their father. Then Zeus recalled the incident he was being tried for. He had indeed threatened to harm his son. It was a mark of shame he had pushed from his conscious mind long, long ago.

"I won't hurt you, either of you." He spoke to the children, no one else. "Do you like the doggy?"

"Bad Zoos!" The boy said, an old look in his eyes. The child pushed his sister away from their grandfather.

"You know me child?" Zeus turned to Hercules, who still held him firm. "I promise not to harm them, release me, I'll remain here. Please."

Hercules believed him, he released his father.

Zeus looked at the boy and recognised the soul, finally.

"Oh my, Strife, how?" He looked up at his wife, he had seen her across the court room, now he found her standing beside their grandchildren, protecting them from him. "You expect me to harm them?"

"Yes." She replied, quite simply.

"You harmed me often enough." Ares finally got his thinking straight. He gently put Xena on the empty chair she had been sitting on and he too crossed to his children, and his mother. "Why do you hate me?"

"I saw a lot of me in you." Zeus looked at his son, his glance flicking between Ares, and Ares' children. "You have such pretty children." He whispered, looking at his grand daughter. Not meaning anything by it, just looking. However, Hercules took it as a threat.

"Leave her alone you disgusting pervert!" He clearly thought his father capable of seducing a child. He clearly didn't understand the Gods at all!

"Father may be a bastard, but that is purely a mortal crime." Ares pointed out.

"I don't trust him." Hercules told him.

"Then control him, train him." And Ares felt his mother's power surge as she spoke, taking a leaf out of her son's book, she transformed Zeus into a dog too. A dog that now looked askance at Gabrielle.

Hercules reacted without thinking, as always.

"Bad dog!" And he slapped his father's nose. Zeus obeyed though, that slap hurt. He couldn't help sneezing either.

"Wonder if he can hunt?" Iolaus asked, looking from his estranged lover to his lover's father.

The Magistrate recognised a lost cause when he saw one, and this case was now out of his control, taking a deep breath he made his judgement known.

"The woman Gabrielle is remanded, as a dog, in the custody of Xena. Likewise the dog Zeus is remanded into Hercules' custody. No reversals will be granted without this court, and the relevant Gods, being witness to much improved behaviour from both animals." He banged his gavel, gently, on Apollo's table so as not to mark it, and dismissed the court.

Three weeks later, Ares was snuggled in bed with Joxer, they were discussing things as they ate a snack, cheese and apples, to be exact. Their serenity was interrupted by the approaching racket of pounding feet. Their bedroom door flew open and Javan, also known as Strife, and his sister Melantha ran in, hotly pursued by there big brother Cupid.

"Save us dad?" Strife pleaded as he piled into the bed, snuggling close to Ares.

"He's mad, I tell you!" Melantha pleaded as she snuggled into Joxer's side.

"Oh, fine, and what about me?" The ages old Love God looked at his newly adult brother and sister, and their fathers, including his own father.

"There's room for one more in the middle." Ares moved himself and Strife over.

"Yeah!" Cupid dived in, grabbed an apple, bit it, handed it to Melantha. "Hey, this is one o' grandma's apples!"

"You know, " Ares said to Joxer. "With kids around, it's no use trying to keep secrets."

The new immortal looked at his family, thought about his friends, and did the only thing he could, he laughed till he was almost, but not quite, sick!

THE END