A/N: Well, I've actually been working on this fic off and on for about…five months. I gave up on it after a little while and found it later and decided to revise it. Some people have also asked about "Friends With Benefits". I do plan to continue, but I'm just not sure where I want to take it next exactly and grad school is kicking my ass. Oh! And please visit my author profile page and vote on what I should write next! Enjoy!
Her frappucchino coffee had tasted bland. Chocolate didn't seem to work its usual magic. And the usual little being that always seemed to make her feel better at times like these was the cause of her sorrow and gone. Gone forever. The very thought of the whole situation brought fresh tears to Sara Sidle's eyes as she gripped the steering wheel tightly, her knuckles turning white, as she drove to a crime scene with one of her coworkers and good friends, Nick Stokes. She knew she was already edgy today, and that Nick was well aware. He'd already asked her twice what was up, but she'd responded with a cold dismissive snap of an answer. After refusing his offer to drive, they'd climbed into the Denali, and the trip had so far been silent.
Nick was almost afraid to bring anything up with Sara in fear that she might bite his head off once again, but when the car began to inch towards the side of the road, he decided this had gone on long enough.
"Sara." His voice had a warning tone to it, trying to get her to snap out of it and drive. Sara sniffled and quickly corrected her stance on the road. Clearing her throat and adjusting her sitting position slightly, she hoped to just be able to brush it off. However, she would have no such luck. Sara called Nick her best friend for good reason – he knew her like no one else did, even when it was inconvenient like it was now. "You can't keep tellin' me it's nothing, Sara. You almost drove off the road."
Her eyes slightly red and puffy, Sara shook her head, running her tongue over her teeth. If she started talking to anyone about it, especially him, she would burst out crying. She knew that Nick would try not to think any less of her – he would probably wrap her up in his arms and let her cry on his shoulder – but then he would know that she was weak, and he'd treat her differently. Sara couldn't stand it when people looked at her like she was broken or incapable of doing her work because she was a little upset. She'd gone through much worse than this, and she would get through today.
"It's stupid. And I don't want to talk about it." Sara reiterated coldly. Nick sighed and looked out the side window. Growing up with five sisters, he knew when to draw the line, only it was killing him inside to see Sara so obviously upset. He had no clue what it could be. With Sara, it could be anything. Their work was difficult to deal with anyway, but Sara hadn't been involved in any particularly emotionally draining cases lately. As far as he knew, her personal life was going okay. Maybe it was her time of month, only he didn't recall ever trying to explain any odd behaviors on the onset of her period (not that he kept track of that sort of thing).
Sara managed to drive the rest of the way to the crime scene without causing Nick to fear for his life. Being the kick-ass friend that he was, he certainly wasn't going to completely forget her display of emotions and let it go. He knew something was up with her, and if she wasn't going to tell him, he'd have to figure it out himself somehow.
For some reason, Sara always seemed to do her best work when she was in a bad mood. Perhaps it was because she wasn't in the mood to mess around with anyone or anything, she focused more on the task at hand. She got straight to the point, worked quickly and accurately, and was very much ready to get the hell out when all the evidence had been collected and the crime scene photographed. By the time they had everything together, Sara had loaded everything up so quickly Nick thought she might leave without him. He rushed over to the Denali as Sara loaded the last of her evidence in the trunk. She'd left the keys in the ignition, so Nick made his move, jumping in the driver's seat before she could.
Sara walked to the driver's door to get in, looking around for Nick so they could leave. When she opened the door, she found what she was looking for.
"Nick, what are you doing?" Her arms fell to her side, and then crossed over her chest in annoyance. Sara's lips formed a pouty expression, which on her, was incredibly sexy to Nick. He caught himself staring at her angry lips, wondering what it would be like to kiss them.
"Drivin'. Get in." He told her simply, making eye contact with her. Something that really seethed Sara when she was mad at Nick was how he would never look away, never waiver from his stance. He just thought he knew everything, and it really bugged her sometimes. Sara shot him a sneering glare and slammed the door loudly, not wanting to make a scene. She stormed around the front of the SUV and reluctantly climbed into the passenger side.
"Mature, Nick. Real mature." She commented as she struggled with her seatbelt. She finally managed to get it to click, and gave Nick another unappreciative look as he turned the ignition. Sara crossed her arms and stared out the window as Nick pulled away, reminding him of his nieces and nephews when they didn't get their way.
The ride was silent for a few minutes until Nick found the main road and didn't have to concentrate so much. He stole a glance at his friend, who still looked every bit as annoyed with him. She'd never been this stubborn refusing to talk to him about her problems, and it bugged him. What could be so awful that she couldn't tell him?
"Sara, why won't you talk to me?" He finally asked her, staring straight ahead at the road. Nick heard an audible sigh, and dared a glance in her direction.
"I told you, Nick. It's stupid. It doesn't deserve repeating."
"Well if it's supposedly so stupid, why not just tell me? Maybe I can help." He offered.
"I just don't feel like it, Nick. Can you drop it, please?"
Nick had been slightly distracted from the road as he tried to pry things out of Sara, and didn't see the squirrel munching on an acorn right in his pathway. At the last moment he saw it and tried to swerve, but in the end, the poor squirrel got squashed by one of the Denali tires. The slight bump the car made caused an already emotional Sara to gasp in shock.
"Nick, you hit that squirrel!" She yelled accusingly, drawing Nick's attention. He had winced when he realized he hit the squirrel, but there wasn't much he could do for the poor thing. In a battle between Denali and squirrel, the machinery always won. Because of the bad mood Sara was already in, now she was ticked. She almost felt like crying, but Sara found herself overwhelmingly angry at Nick for not paying enough attention to the road.
"I'm sorry, Sara. But it's just one little squirrel, you know?" He pointed out. Not that Nick didn't care about animals, but he didn't feel like it was worth losing sleep over.
"Just one little squirrel?! It was a living thing, Nick, and it didn't ask to have to have to share the road with a freakin' Denali. You should've been paying more attention!" She went off on him as she struggled to compose herself. The thought of the poor rodent suffering was too much for her to bear.
"That's it." Nick muttered decisively. He pulled off the road onto the shoulder, stirring up roadway dust, before he came to a complete stop. Nick had dealt with her feistiness all day long and was frankly getting tired of being told it was nothing. If Sara was fine, like she kept arguing, she definitely wouldn't have freaked out about hitting a squirrel. Sure, it was unfortunate and he felt a little bad, but he didn't deserve to have his head bitten off.
"Sara, what the hell is going on with you?" Nick's voice demanded that he level with her, completely puzzled by Sara's behavior. She'd been known to go off the deep end during certain cases, but again, the case they'd just worked wasn't particularly gruesome and had nothing to do with domestic violence. Nick was getting beyond frustrated that Sara wouldn't even tell him what was wrong.
"What's going on is that you just killed a squirrel and you don't seem to give a shit about it, Nick." She practically growled at him. The squirrel getting run over had upset her, but the real issue at hand was still being concealed. The creation of road kill was merely the straw that broke the camel's back. She knew it, and she sensed Nick knew it too.
"Bullshit, Sara." He called her bluff, his eyes piercing her like needles. "You've been upset at all day, and we're not getting back on the road until you tell me what it is."
Sara felt a slight flutter in her stomach at his forcefulness. It was kind of hot, really, how he was getting all worked up and refused to let her dismissiveness slide. She'd avoided his questions for long enough, but it seemed that no matter how many times she told him to drop it, he did not relent. Part of her wanted to be stubborn, and just cross her arms and stare out the window like a little kid until he finally gave up, but his insistence was slowly breaking down the wall she was putting up. He cared enough about her to want to help her, even though she kept pushing him away. As her eyes met his, Sara knew that he wasn't going to just leave her alone without an explanation. It was stupid to fight it. She took a deep breath and her fingers busied themselves scratching at a small mud stain on her jeans.
"Fine. You'd think that dealing with death every day would make it easier." She began as she continued to scratch. "Archidemes died last night. I found him in the bathroom."
Nick let out a sympathetic sound. "Oh, Sara. I'm sorry." He reached over without a second thought and gently clasped her hand in his. The display of comfort made Sara wanted to let out all her emotions and just start crying, but that was something she was not prepared to do. At work, she tried not to let her emotions show, and not let her personal life affect her cases. She desperately wanted to snatch her hand away from his comforting grasp, but it felt so good. He always had a way of making her feel so at ease, and so comforted. Perhaps that's why she wanted to push him away, because she knew if she let him in, she'd lose it. The tears burning in the back of her eyes threatened to spill over.
"I shouldn't be this upset." Her voice began to quaver, so Nick gave her hand another gentle squeeze. "I mean, it's a cat. It's not like I had deep conversations with him."
"Well, you'd had him for, what, fifteen years?" Nick pointed out, watching her face closely. His thumb mindlessly stroked the back of her hand as she brought her free hand up to her eyes to hide a tear that had surfaced. "Pets are part of the family too, and it's difficult when they're suddenly gone."
Sara wiped a tear on the back of her sleeve, embarrassed and comforted at the same time. "Yeah, I guess." She agreed, then, desperate to have the attention shifted away from herself, turned the conversation to focus on Nick. "So, have you ever lost a pet?"
A smirk formed on Nick's face, realizing she was trying to get out of talking about her feelings with him. He knew she rarely let people into her world and rarely opened up in fear of getting hurt. "Sure I have. It's hard at first, but life goes on."
Sara just nodded, staring straight ahead as other cars whizzed by them. Life was going on all around her, people were going about their days, but Sara's was at a standstill. It felt stupid to be so bummed about a cat, but that's what she felt. Archidemes had always been there when she got home after a hard case, after Grissom had frustrated her, or after any other drama that was going on in her life. With just a rub against her leg, and his gentle steady purr, he had calmed her and made everything okay. No matter what happened at work, what stupid thing she said, or whatever else she messed up, Archidemes welcomed her home and loved her unconditionally. Now her apartment seemed so empty and uninviting, and her work troubles seemed to hover around without Archidemes to lie in her lap and purr.
Nick's hand moved away from hers and instead rubbed her forearm softly. "It's perfectly normal for you to be upset, Sar. And if you wanna talk about it more, I'm all ears." He reminded her, letting his fingers give her arm another reassuring squeeze. Sara had never known anyone who could turn her mood as quickly as Nick could. The warmth of his hand mirrored the same warmth of his personality, and the way he simply looked at her, like she was the only other person in the world, made her feel safe. Just listening to his calm, steady voice, and finally telling him what was bothering her seemed to make things so much better, and while she didn't like to be thought of as weak, Sara knew it was safe to show vulnerability around Nick.
"Thanks, Nick." She whispered and then cleared her throat to remove any sign that she had broken down. While it felt good to let it all out around Nick, she definitely didn't want the entire lab to see she had broken down. "Maybe later. We should get back to the lab."
Nick nodded, but his tender gaze still settled on his coworker. He was concerned about her. He didn't like how she closed herself off from everyone, almost numb, and tried to deal with all her problems on her own. Though she'd gotten better about it over the years, Nick knew for a fact that she still spent evenings alone at home reading forensics magazines and hardly ever went out. The woman needed a hobby, and he supposed that's why she was taking Archidemes' death so hard. She really had no one else in her life. Nick reluctantly agreed to head back to the lab, though he wished Sara would open up more to him. Silently, they continued along down the road.
CSI CSI CSI CSI CSI CSI
Sara slid her apartment key into the key hole later that day, already dreading the unfamiliar quiet and distinct lack of Archidemes. She wondered how long her apartment wouldn't seem like home; how long her heart would ache for her little furry friend that would never return. After unlocking the door, she walked in, depositing her workbag and purse on the couch. On her way to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine, she came across two of Archidemes' plastic toy balls. She smiled as she thought of the familiar jingly sound, and the image of her beloved kitty chasing them around the apartment. In the corner, the litter box remained untouched. After her glass of wine, she decided she really must put all these reminders out of sight and in storage, otherwise she would most certainly spend the evening crying.
Just as Sara sat down with her glass of wine to wallow in loneliness, her cell phone rang. She knew instantly it must be Nick. At the end of shift, he'd offered to take her out for coffee, but she'd declined. Somehow she knew he wasn't going to let her just go home and bask in her sorrows.
"Sidle."
"Hey, it's me." Nick greeted her as he drove in his truck across town. He squinted at the sunlight and looked over at the crate which sat on the passenger seat. A smile crept upon his face as he heard a gentle mew coming from within the box.
"Hi, Nick." Sara scratched the back of her head, afraid that he was going to try to convince her to go out for coffee with him again. Not that she didn't enjoy Nick's company, but she also thought she just felt like being alone. However, she did feel strangely flattered that Nick was still thinking of her. It was actually kind of sweet that he wasn't letting her turn into a hermit.
"I hope you don't mind, but I'm in your area and just thought I'd stop by to see how you were doin'." He told her, unsure whether this would cause her to love him or hate him. All Nick knew was that he couldn't sit back and let Sara suffer on her own. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, he knew that being around other people, and hopefully other cats, would do her good.
Sara scrubbed a hand over her face. The man just didn't give up. "Nicky, really. I'm fine."
"Well how about me comin' over just to enjoy the pleasure of your company? I'll only stay a little while, I promise." He told her as he turned onto the street her apartment complex was on. If had been anyone else, Sara Sidle would probably have been annoyed that they'd pretty much invited themselves over, but with Nick, it was somehow okay
Sara torqued her jaw and smiled in amusement at his persistence. She felt her cheeks flush a little in embarrassment. It was almost exciting in a way that someone as amazing and good-looking as Nick Stokes was kind of chasing after her. Her crush on him was only worsening. She stood up and walked over to her window, betting that he was already close by. Sure enough, she spied his truck chugging down the road.
"Well, do I have much of a choice?" She smiled as she watched him pull up to one of the parking spaces. "I see you."
Nick laughed a little and looked up at the apartment complex. She was sneaky, spying on him, and it was going to make delivering her surprise a whole lot more difficult.
"Hey, now." He told her playfully and heard Sara laugh. At least she seemed to be in a better mood, able to joke around with him and tease him. Nick unbuckled his seatbelt and turned off the ignition. "Why don't you, uh…go turn on the TV real quick and quit spyin' on me." He told her as he looked up again at what he thought must be her window and walked around his truck. Sure enough, he finally spied Sara staring down at him from her living room window. She smiled and watched him suspiciously.
"And why should I do that?" She played with him, admiring his body as he moved. Sara shook her head at herself. She wasn't supposed to check Nick out, but damn. With him, how could any woman resist? It wasn't just his body, it was the way he conducted himself. Truth be told, the way he kept persisting that she tell him what was wrong, and the way he'd counseled her made him that much more appealing. Sara watched as he stopped next to his passenger door, obviously stalling until she couldn't see what he was doing.
"I plead the fifth." He grinned up at her mischievously. "Come on, now. Quit lookin'."
"Fine." She agreed with an equal amount of mischief in her voice. Sara turned her back and began to walk away from the window. Once Nick saw her back turn and her body retreat, he opened up the passenger door and picked up the crate by the handle. "You are so mysterious sometimes."
"Yeah, I've been working on that for a while now." As he pulled the crate out, a little mew could be heard clearly through the phone. Sara furrowed her eyebrows, and though she knew she wasn't supposed to look, couldn't resist. She crossed the room and looked out the window to see Nick carrying a crate. As he turned to close the door, it gave Sara a clear view of what was inside.
"Nick! You got me a kitten?!" She gasped excitedly as she gazed down at her friend on the street. Nick looked up at her window and saw that Sara had worked her way back.
"You cheater!" He accused her, shooting her a mock glare. Even from as far down as he was, Nick could tell she was thrilled and touched. He grinned in spite of himself, pleased that Sara seemed to like his idea so much. "I swear, Sara…"
"Hurry, hurry! I wanna meet him!" She told him elatedly as she watched him walk to the front door of the complex.
"Alright, alright. I'm coming." He assured her and began to climb the stairs. Sara lived on the third floor, so it wasn't long before he had reached her hallway after listening to his friend chatter to him over the phone about how much she loved kittens. Nick had suspected the little black and white furball would be a hit and help Sara get over her grief, but he hadn't imagined this much pure joy. Sara had opened the door and was waiting for him and her new kitten with anticipation. As soon as she was within sight, Nick clicked the phone off and tucked it in his jacket pocket as he watched Sara's eyes change to pure adoration of the little creature in the box. She knelt down in the doorway to be at eye level with the slightly frightened kitten, who looked at his new owner with wide, innocent eyes.
"Oh, Nick!" Sara exclaimed as she fumbled with the crate door. "He's adorable!"
Nick had already knelt down next to the crate, beaming at her reaction. "I was hoping you'd like him. The little booger gave the surprise away." He watched as Sara gently picked the tiny kitten up and cradled it in her arms, close to her chest.
"Where'd you get him?"
The kitten had since calmed, and seemed very content in his new human's arms, as Sara gently stroked it. Soon, it was purring loudly as Sara stood up so they could all go inside.
"Mark Johanssen on day shift. His cat just had a whole litter, so I swung by after work to pick one out for you."
"You're just so cute, aren't you, little guy?" She cooed to him. Nick had to smirk at how this kitten caused Sara to act very un-Sara-like. It felt like he was witnessing some astronomical event, to see Sara act like this. Nick just watched her as she interacted with the little kitten. He must have been staring at her too long, because Sara called him out on it.
"What?" She smiled at him.
Nick cleared his throat and scratched behind his ear, slightly embarrassed. "Nothin'. It's just good to see you happy again."
Sara smirked at him a little as she took a few steps towards him, kitten still in arm. Without any kind of warning, she stepped up to him, grasped the back of his neck, and pressed a single kiss to his lips.Nick was stunned to say the least, but he didn't pull away until he felt Sara move. As she did, the kitten placed its paw on Nick's jaw, causing them both to chuckle.
"Thank you Nick." She told him softly. Nick nodded and pressed a single kiss to her forehead.
"I think next time I'll have to bring you a dog."