House, Babysitter
Episode 1: Dude
Doctor House zoomed into his parking spot at PPTH at an early 905 AM on Friday. He started to mentally plan his day since his last patient was discharged yesterday and he knows that today will be a diagnostic drag.
Hmm, ways to piss everyone off and hide from Cuddy…
His scheming was cut short as he spotted Cuddy's babysitter rushing towards the hospital.
"Hey you! Miranda. What's wrong with the kid?" he yelled pointing his cane at the frazzled young lady.
"Uh…Dr. House. It's Maia and Rachel is fine. I had to bring her cuz I have a family emergency and can't get Dr. Cuddy on the phone," she replied.
"Gimme the kid," demanded House reaching for the car seat which held two and a half years old Rachel Cuddy.
At Maia's reluctance, a clearly annoyed House continued, "Cuddy is in a Board meeting. I will get the kid to her."
The conflicted babysitter slowly gave Rachel to House along with her pink baby bag.
"Now shoo," dismissed House as he contemplated his cargo. Rachel looked up to him, scrunching her face in imitation.
House decided that he will not be seen walking in to PPTH with a kid looking like she was involved in a Pepto Bismol explosion. "For crying out loud" he mumbled, "must they cover you in every shade of pink known to man?"
Rachel for her part just gave him a toothless grin and said, "pink!"
The mad scientist got a super idea and headed towards the Dean of Medicine's parking spot. Pulling out a set of keys, he opened Cuddy's car and placed Rachel in the back seat. House quickly got into the car and drove off. Cuddy will be sooooo pissed when she finds out that he has keys to her car. House smiled as he turned the radio on and found a rock station playing Nothing Else Matters by Metallica. He started singing and Rachel clapped her hands trying to sing everything he did.
"I'll have to teach you to harmonize, kid" remarked House.
They pulled in to the handicapped parking spot at the mall. House took out a handicapped sticker and placed it on Cuddy's dashboard just in the event a prick of a cop passed by. Popping the trunk, he took out the stroller and with the kid all settled, he entered and headed for his favourite stores.
The young salesgirl reminded him of Cameron as she fussed over Rachel. House got what he needed and left for the Nike store. He rapped loudly on the Women's toilet and declared that he was "coming in."
The few women in there were prepared to let him have it until they saw his cane and the kid.
"Sorry ladies," said House pleasantly with a wide smile, "I need to change the kid."
"Do you need help?" asked one heavily made up blonde looking at House with feline interest.
"No thanks" answered House, "that would get me into all kinds of trouble with the wife."
He quickly got rid of the pink things and dressed Rachel into her "cool" clothes. She was very excited with her new Nike Shox that matched House's.
On the way back to PPTH, House had another idea which made him laugh out loud. Just the thought of everyone's faces…
He stopped at Carl's and when he entered Carl was clearly amused to see the crazy doctor with a kid.
"Need a new cane, Dr. House?" asked Carl.
"Hmmm," responded House picking up a cane and told Carl to custom make it for Rachel's height.
The surprised salesman looked at House asking if he was serious.
"We are putting on a show for Charity," House lied.
Carl shook his head and got to his work. House approved the final product and got back on the way to the hospital. He called the ducklings and ordered them to the clinic for the rest of the day. He then called the janitor who let him into the service entrance. The man recognized Dr. Cuddy's daughter with House and just shook his head resignedly. He thinks that one day Dr. Cuddy will snap and rip House apart in the clinic and he will have to clean up the mess while she eats House's heart.
House snuck up to his office and shut the blinds and locked the door. He then gave Rachel her juice and noodles that were packed in the bag. After she played for a while with her toys and his tennis ball, she took a nap.
Cuddy and Wilson walked to the front desk after the meeting discussing the decision to hold the fundraiser in a hotel. She signed whatever was necessary from the nurses and turned to go to her office when she realized that House's ducklings were in the clinic. At her raised eyebrow, Kutner told her that House called and sent them to do clinic hours. He also told her that no-one has seen House all day.
Wilson followed an annoyed Cuddy to her office and marveled yet again at House's ability to piss people off even when he was away from the hospital.
"At least he made sure that the clinic is covered," he offered.
"Don't start, Wilson! That does not excuse House" she replied. "Do you want to go to lunch?" she asked already heading for the door.
"Uh...yeah," replied Wilson amazed that she stopped any House bashing.
They had a pleasant lunch during which Wilson brought up House again.
"Cuddy, maybe he was not feeling well" he tried hopefully.
Giving him a look which clearly said 'yeah right' she replied, "I am going to develop a new way to deal with House."
"Alright," continued Wilson "just remember he is an overgrown kid."
"Wilson, if he were a kid, I would retract my views on spanking but he would like that way too much," she said dryly.
Wilson almost choked on his sandwich and got all red in the face. Cuddy flashed him a half-smile.
The subject of their discussion was presently putting the finishing touches on his plan. He was currently on the roof.
At exactly 5PM, House stepped off the elevator. Wilson was flirting with a new nurse when he saw House. He stopped talking and just stared with his mouth opened. House stopped in front of him. James finally found his voice and whispered, "Rachel?"
"Wisson," replied Rachel with a wide smile.
Wilson ran his hand through his hair and looked at House. "House, no one will find your body. It was nice knowing you," James said looking at House as if he finally lost his mind.
Cuddy spied House and came out of her office in fury. The patients in the clinic were staring at the man and the child.
"House, what do you…" started Cuddy and she stopped with a horrified look on her face as Rachel screamed "mommy" and ran towards her. She knelt, caught Rachel in a smooth action and stood up again. "House. My office," she ordered quietly.
House had the good sense to look somewhat repentant but that was short-lived when Rachel demanded, "down" and started wiggling in Cuddy's arms.
Cuddy let her down and watched in disbelief as she raced back to House and picked up the mini-cane she dropped. She smiled up at House and said, "dude" just like he taught her.
House smirked and replied, "dude." He started limping towards Cuddy's office making small steps with Rachel in perfect sync. He had the audacity to wink at Cuddy as they passed her.
She stared at the sight for a minute longer and then powered her way to her office. As she entered, the clinic occupants let out their collective breaths.
"Cane, mommy" said Rachel proudly as she held up her gift from House.
"It very nice, honey" replied Cuddy, "go to the clinic desk and stay with Wilson. Ask him for a lollipop."
Rachel beamed as she walked to Wilson.
House was leaning lazily against her desk, his jacket and backpack thrown into the chair next to him.
Cuddy looked at him saying nothing. He pouted and tried to out-stare her. She just kept looking at him.
"Oh come on Cuddy," he started "she totally rocks!"
"Why do you have Rachel?" asked Cuddy in a too pleasant tone.
"Who?" joked House. At her murderous look, he continued "Oh, the kid. I don't know her name. You never let me play with her."
At Cuddy's raised eyebrow and flaring nostrils, House knew he was in big trouble. So he decided to stop kidding around. "Maryann brought her over when you were in that useless board meeting. Something about a family emergency and you not answering phones." He paused to see her reaction. See seemed somewhat less homicidal so he continued, "I couldn't walk into the hospital with all that pink, I'd lose all respect. So the kid and I went shopping" he finished quickly.
"OK, I get that Maia had to bring Rachel here. But why did you spend the day with my daughter? And why in God's name did you dress her in jeans, t-shirt and a dress shirt? Not to mention the shoes?" asked Cuddy.
"I had no case," replied House as if that explained everything.
"You need help House. Professional help. Again, I'm offering to pay if you see a therapist," finished Cuddy as she gathered her things to leave for the day.
"Oh come on, Cuddles! She looks sooo cool. Like me. Did you see that limp…hilarious? Took me only 20 minutes to teach her that!" he said proudly following Cuddy out. She collected Rachel and walked out of the building with the limping duo trailing because Rachel thinks the game with House is fun.
"See ya, kid," said House as he strapped Rachel to her seat. She replied with "dude."
"See you later, mistress" he shot at Cuddy only to receive a sinister smile and narrowed eyes.
Doctor House, you are one bad-ass babysitter! He congratulated himself as he zoomed out of PPTH welcoming the weekend.
The End?