Hello friends! Please, if you read it, tell me what you think. Constructive criticism and suggestions are welcome, as long as they're kind. :)
Disclaimer: I do not own Divergent nor any of its locations or characters.
My eyes snap open to swallow perfect darkness; I barely have time to register the dull thrum of marching feet. I don't have long before flashes of light erupt outside of my window, accompanied by the deafening thunder I would always remember as the sound of gunfire and death. I scramble to my feet, my eyes wide with fear, my bare feet slipping on the cold floor. I almost fall down the stairs, the shabby grey nightgown ripping on a loose nail in the wall. Before I know it I'm standing in the street, frozen.
Death's footprints are everywhere. I can see him still travelling, jumping back and forth like a bullet from a gun. Each step he takes leaves a new body behind. I see neighbors and schoolmates lying, motionless, in pools of something wet that shines in the flashes of gunfire. I blink into the floodlights shining on the street and my parents are kneeling in front of me, being held down by soldiers in black. Dauntless soldiers.
Faster than I can scream, one of them puts a gun to my father's head and pulls the trigger.
"Susan!" My mother screams, her usually calm and gentle demeanor twisted by desperation. I think she tells me to run, but I don't remember because I blink again and she's lying next to my father. Their hands almost touch over a pool of dark red. But I don't see it for long because someone in black grabs me roughly. I jump and struggle, shrieking through my tears, but a moment later I'm released because someone is causing a distraction. I see a flash of blonde hair and someone in black running away. Beatrice. She's trying to stop them. I sob and scramble into the shadows, watching her and another soldier being pursued. I want to help them but I can't move… I just can't. I'm paralyzed.
"Selfish."
I gasp and look up. My father is standing in front of me, looking calm and collected, which isn't right because when he tilts his head I can still see just where the bullet went in. Suddenly we're in the Amity compound hospital, and gunshots and explosions are firing all around me. I look down and see a gun in my hands.
"You are not a selfish person, Susan. You're just afraid, too afraid to be selfless. You should have helped them."
"How?" I gasped. "How I could I have saved them? How could I have saved you? I'm sorry! I'm… I'm so sorry…"
"Wake up," a voice says into my ear. It sounds like Beatrice but I know it can't be, because now she's dead too.
"I'm sorry!" I scream. "I'm sorry! I should have died with you, I'm sorry!"
Someone grabs my shoulders and I start away from them, so hard that I roll off the bed and onto the floor. I'm still tangled up in the blanket and the floor is hard and cold but I can't bring myself to move. I stay where I am, curl up so as to be as small as possible, so no one can find me.
I hear hesitant footsteps and feel a presence behind me, obviously uncertain of what should be done. I pray that they go away, but instead someone tentatively puts a hand on my shoulder, which is still shaking.
"I'm sorry, I had to wake you up… I heard you and…" the voice is Caleb's. I try to compose myself. Being so publicly emotional would have been unheard of until a few months ago. But I wasn't Abnegation anymore, so I wasn't sure that it mattered. I look up to see the few people left in the shelter looking at me uneasily. A hot, mortified flush creeps across my face; I'm drawing attention to myself. I brush Caleb aside and stand, straightening my old Abnegation nightgown. My fingers find the tear in it, which I had clumsily sewn over. The thread is rough.
"I'm sorry for causing a disturbance," I mumble. It would have been inaudible if the room were not so silent. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and turn to make my bed, taking comfort in a familiar task as the sounds of shelter life resumed quietly.
"Were you dreaming about the attack?" Caleb asks me. I try not to acknowledge him. It's been hard to talk to Caleb recently, since I learned about his betrayal. Abnegation no longer existed. I wasn't selfless. I wasn't sure I was anything. It was hard to get past the fact that he had willingly joined the side of the people who had slaughtered his faction. My parents. He had even turned on his own sister, my friend, who was now dead because she had still been selfless enough to forgive him. I try to avoid the truth; I couldn't forgive him because he was alive. Just as I was alive, when I shouldn't be. Almost everyone in my life was gone. I was haunted by my own survival.
I tried not to look, I really did, but my eyes flicked towards him as he walked towards the door. He is thinner than he used to be; and taller, but it was harder to tell because he walked with his head down most of the time. He looked empty, unkempt, defeated. Every aspect of his life had been met with cold refusal to forgive. Feeling incredibly selfish, I turned away- something I had been doing a lot of recently. Any feelings I had had for him seemed like an echo from the past.