TITLE: Sexy Obi
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid
E-MAIL: hlnkid@aol.com
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Pre-TPM, non-slash. (Obi is 13) An interesting day with Qui and Obi, as they head out for a little shopping and get new uniforms.
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
ARCHIVE: Please ask first.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
NOTE: This fic has references to my story "Hail Storms and Speeders."
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Sexy Obi
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Obi: Master, I don't understand. What is this special ceremony we have to attend? And what's this I hear about new dress uniforms?
Qui: Well to be honest, I don't know much about what's going on. Our uniforms will be delivered later this afternoon. We are to dress for this ceremony taking place late this evening and meet with the council then.
Obi: Are they gonna make us watch the wedding of the trolls again?
Qui: No, I don't think so. But we have plenty of time until then, so you and I need to make a trip to the store. We need food. You seem to have eaten just about everything in this apartment. If I don't feed you soon, you might eat the furniture.
Obi: Give me a little credit, sheesh. Anyway, I tried the furniture, tastes like rope.
Qui: Let's go. We'll go to Maceway's, it's cheaper than Poof Lion.
Obi: Did they name it after Master Windu?
Qui: I suppose they did, why?
Obi: No reason, just being my normal nosey self. Is he really a mime?
Qui: No comment. Come on.
Obi: A mime is a terrible thing to waste.
(They borrowed a speeder and headed for the store. Once there, Qui-Gon grabbed his apprentice by the braid before they entered.)
Qui: Do not fill this cart up with sweets and snack foods, understand? You need to eat healthier. NO sugar.
Obi: I need sugar, Master, almost as much as I need mush. But that's another story. Can I sit in the cart?
Qui: No! And we are on a budget, so I want generic brands, got it?
Obi: Yes, Mr. Grumpy.
Qui: Don't start, Obi-Wan. Okay, the cereal aisle. You can pick two of them and that's it. And remember, no sugar.
Obi: But...oh wow! Sugar Poofs!
Qui: NO! Nothing with that word in the title. You and sugar are a deadly combination. Here, how about Shredded Trolls.
Obi: Ewww, just the name is nasty. How about this. Jedi Crunch with Poof Berries. The berries are blu and shaped like little poofs.
Qui: I thought you were scared of Poof.
Obi: I am, but look at the sugar content on these babies! WHEW! Can I get them, Master? Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Qui: OBI-WAN STOP! Yes, you can get those, but that's it for the sugar. Now get a healthy one. Grape Trolls.
Obi: Why is everything in this store named after Yoda and Mr. Poof? Don't these people know how much those two freak kids like me out?
Qui: Yes, which is why they do it. Just to watch your reaction. These look good, Frosted O's.
Obi: Did it get cold in here just now?
Qui: No. Here, put this box in the cart. I want Frosted O's for me.
Obi: MASTER! The box is freezing. No, put it back.
Qui: Obi-Wan, his box is not cold in the least. What is your problem?
Obi: Get it away from me. I'm getting this vision of me on a very cold planet, frozen solid. And Master Sio is there, laughing at me. Telling me I'm an Obisicle and calling me Fro O. Get it away from me, Master. HURRY! NOW!
Qui: Okay, okay. I think that's enough cereal anyway. And speaking of cold, we need some frozen foods. You want cheeken?
Obi: Yes, and some of these poof chops, and wait...what is this? Leg of Liam? It's green, but looks good. Can we get this one?
Qui: What is a Liam?
Obi: I have no idea. But reminds me of Lima. And you know how much I love Lima. He thuds me. ALL RIGHT!!!! CANDY AISLE!!!! YES!!!
Qui: He thuds you? Huh? Wait, Obi-Wan! You can get ONE box of candy. ONE! And that is it. And NO JuJu Trolls. You never eat those anyway, you just throw them at the back of people's heads every time we go see a holo in the theatre.
Obi: I only throw the black ones, well the green ones too. Chocolate covered trolls? Oh, gross. I'll just get these, Gummy Siths. Can we get some soda? Poofsi Cola has sugar in it, but...
Qui: Okay, yes. But get some of that Nog too.
Obi: This stuff? It's made by the Naw company.
Qui: That's it, Ibo. Keep moving, we need vegetables now.
Obi: Ibo? Master what is this, speed shopping? Slow down! Uh...hey, let's get these. Lima's lima beans! I didn't know Lima had his own bean company.
Qui: I don't think it's Lima the actor, Padawan.
Obi: Yeah, they probably just stole his name. Kinda like this thing here. Qui's Pies! Master! You didn't tell me you could bake. When did this happen? The last time you tried to, you nearly burned down the kitchen. You're making pies now?
Qui: No, I am not. They are using my name without my permission. Just grab a box of Blue Troll Berries and let's get out of here. We need to get a workout in before the new uniforms arrive.
(They get to the checkout, Obi-Wan manages to get his hands on every impulse item there.)
Obi: HAHA! Teen Poof magazine. Ewww, look. Who's the youngest and hippest poof out there? Some guy named Ricky Poof Martin, and the Backstreet Poofs. At least they have hair. Oooooo, chapstick and batteries. I need these.
Qui: No! Put them back.
Obi: Hair rollers and nail clippers, Master! For your next trip to the beauty salon.
Qui: Obi-Wan, shut up! Don't tell the entire store my business.
Obi: But you're hair looks GOOD, Master. You're becoming the gossip king of the salon though. You better watch yourself, all those women after you. Master Bren will be jealous. You remember the entire Tahl thing, right? Revenge and all?
Qui: QUIET!
Obi: You're in denial. Cool! The Jedi Inquirer. Look Master! Master Kloon is having Yaddle's love child. Hmmmmm, how'd that happen? Master Kloon is a male, right? I think. And, Jedi Shrink, Nev Daloon, admits he's a mushaholic? WHAT??????
Qui: Obi-Wan, don't read that. Those stories are not true. Nev is not a mushaholic.
Obi: I had a feeling he was hiding something. Ooooo, a cigarette lighter. I need this too.
Qui: No, only Yoda needs that to light his...uh...never mind.
Obi: What?
Qui: Nothing. Let's pay and get home.
Obi: Does Master Yoda smoke?
Qui: Uh, no.
Obi: Master?
Qui: NO! Home! NOW!
(They arrived home, put the food away, and made a quick trip to the gym. When they got back, they found that the new dress uniforms had been left for them. Obi-Wan took one look at it, and his lips began to fly.)
Obi: A DRESS????? I am NOT wearing a dress master. NO WAY! And it's plaid of all colors? Who invented this?
Qui: It's a kilt, Obi-Wan. Not a dress. You've seen Lima wearing one in his movies.
Obi: Master, whatever you want to call it. Either way, I am gonna have to look at your cheeken legs. I don't care to see them. Lima can have mine, I am not wearing this thing in public. No! I can see us now, Padawan Kenobi and his mentor, Master Hairy Cheeken Legs.
Qui: Oh, and your legs are better?
Obi: I have kids legs. Strong, tan and muscular. People pay good money to have legs that look like mine. But do I go around showing them off? No. If you think I am gonna wear that, and stand next to you in front of the council. Oh no. The council. They will be wearing these too! Troll legs? Poof legs? I can't do it, Master. I can't. Punish me now, because I can't do it.
Qui: You can and you will. So go try it on and make sure it fits. I will do the same. And I want to see you in it, don't just tell me you tried it on.
Obi: Masterrrrrr.
Qui: No whining. You can wear your boxers under it if you like.
Obi: What boxers?
Qui: You know, the green ones with the little glow-in-the-dark Poofs. The ones that Bren gave you for your birthday.
Obi: Oh, right. Me in my plaid kilt and my poofy boxers. That'll make a good picture. I will TRY it on, but that's it. I mean it.
Qui: Good. Don't forget your socks and the belt.
(Thirty minutes later, Obi-Wan had yet to come out of his room. Qui-Gon called to him.)
Qui: Padawan, today would be nice.
Obi: Yes it would, Master. But I feel really stupid in this thing. It doesn't go with my tunic.
Qui: Obi-Wan, put that small black jacket on, over the white shirt. You don't wear your tunic with a kilt.
Obi: Why didn't you say so? Geez. Hold on.
Qui: I'm coming in, open the door.
Obi: Master, NO! I'm not decent. Get out!
Qui: Obi-Wan, let me in.
Obi: Not yet.
Qui: OBI-WAN!
Obi: Oh, nuts. Okay, you can come in. But DON'T laugh at me.
Qui: Well, you look quite professional. Very nice, Padawan. You have your shoes on the wrong feet, but we can fix that. What are you staring at?
Obi: Hahahahahahah! You got...you got...hahahahahaha. You really do have cheeken legs! Hahahahah! I was just joking around before, but you do...cheeken legs. Hahahaha! Cover those things up, Master. Those legs are scary.
Qui: Yes, and what happened to your tan, muscular ones? All I see is pale and skinny. Kind of like the rest of you.
Obi: I hide my strength well. Don't let looks deceive you.
Qui: Yes, you keep thinking that. Now that I know this fits, I am going to grab a shower. Do you think you can behave yourself until I get out?
Obi: Yes. Can I get changed?
Qui: No. We will be leaving in about an hour.
Obi: Leaving?
Qui: The council is meeting then, we are to attend the ceremony in their chambers.
Obi: But...but you said it was later this evening. Master! You lied to me. This was all just to get me into this...hideous uniform. I can't believe it. Lying is such an ugly thing. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Qui: Well, I'm not. Now, be good while I get cleaned up.
********
(Out of the shower, Qui-Gon had wrapped a towel around his waist when he heard the door chime sound. He yelled to his padawan from the bathroom.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, can you get the door please?
Obi: No, Master! I'm watching a Lima holo.
Qui: Obi-Wan! GET THE DOOR!
Obi: Sorry, Master, Lima is more important.
(Qui-Gon came stomping out, towel around his waist. His upper torso was still wet.)
Qui: Padawan, you and I are going to have a long talk one of these days. About obeying your master.
Obi: Whatever you say, Master. You're the boss.
Qui: Sometimes I wonder about that. (door chime sounds again) I'm coming, I'm coming. (He opens the door.) Bren! Hi!
Bren: Hey, Stretch. Nice wardrobe.
(As they talked for a minute, just outside the apartment, Obi-Wan, feeling slightly chilled, got up from the couch and closed the door. Qui-Gon, still outside, felt his towel suddenly being removed from his body. It had gotten lodged in the door when the padawan closed it and there wasn't enough on his side of the door to hide...himself.)
Bren: Um, Qui?
Qui: OBI-WAN!!!! DAMN IT! OPEN THE DOOR NOW! Bren, turn your head away. Don't look. (He tried hiding himself with his hands, and then pulling Bren in front of him while he kept yelling at the door.)
Qui: OBI-WAN! OPEN THE DOOR! THIS IS YOUR MASTER SPEAKING! OPEN IT.
Obi: Master, Lima is still on. Wait until a commercial. You're talking to Master Bren anyway. It's drafty in here when you leave the door open.
Bren: Qui, you look a little pale. At least from the thighs up. Ever consider a tanning bed?
Qui: Stop moving. Stand in front of me. Don't let...uh...
(Master Jerra came walking down the hall, along side him, his padawan, Taj.)
Jerra: Hi...uh. Never mind. Taj, don't look. Hide your eyes. Qui-Gon, at least go inside if you want to do the naked cuddle thing.
Qui: Can I borrow your robe?
Jerra: Um, no. Taj and I have to go. Really. Run, Padawan. NOW! GO!
Qui: But...HEY! OBI-WAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obi: Master, QUIET!
Qui: Bren, open the door. Please. It's cold out here.
Bren: It's stuck Qui. I can't budge it. Obi? Can you open the door please? Your master is, um...cold.
Obi: Hang on, it's almost a commercial.
Qui: OBI-WAN, OPEN THE DOOR OR YOU WILL BE POOF'S NEW APPRENTICE!
Obi: Okay, geeeeeeez.
(The boy got up from the couch, and tried to pull the door open.)
Obi: Master, it won't open. There's a towel stuck in it. Is that your...hahahahahaah! Master? Are you naked out there? Hahahahahaha.
Qui: Open the door.
Obi: It's stuck. Push from that side. On three. One, two...THREE.
(Qui-Gon and Bren came bursting through the door, landing on the floor. Immediately, the tall Jedi reached for the towel close by. But Bren had grabbed it first.)
Qui: Bren, give me the towel. I can't let my padawan see me like this.
Obi: Yeah, give me nightmares.
Bren: Hehehe. What's in this for me, Stretch?
Qui: A lifetime of cuddles. (He was sitting up on the floor, covering himself with one hand while he reached for the towel with the other.)
Bren: You say that all the time. I want something more.
Qui: I'll let you beat me in sparring again?
Bren: What?
Qui: Okay, Uh, I'll let you have my padawan.
Bren: No thanks. I'd like to keep this towel.
Qui: That's it?
Bren: Yes.
Qui: Okay, let me use it to get to my room, and then it's all yours.
Bren: Nope. I want to see you run, you sexy thing you!
Obi: Hello? Trying to watch Lima here, can you two keep your naked adult mush crap to yourself please?
Qui: Obi-Wan, throw me your blanket.
Obi: No way, Master. My blanket only touches fully clothed individuals.
Bren: Oh, Stretchyyyyyyy. I have your towel. It's all mine. Come and get it.
(As Bren dangled the towel in front of him, Qui-Gon tried to scoot himself towards his bedroom without standing up.)
Bren: Oh, THAT'S real attractive, Qui. Here take your towel.
(He grabbed for it, but she yanked it away again.)
Qui: BREN!
Bren: Hehehe.
Qui: Obi-Wan, don't look.
Obi: Don't worry.
(Qui-Gon shot up off the floor and ran as fast as he could to his room, slamming the door behind him.)
Bren: Awwwww, my Qui-Poo forgot his towel.
Obi: Master Bren, you are so funny. Are you really gonna keep his towel?
Bren: Yes, I am the keeper of Qui-Gon's towel. Nice dress kid. New uniform?
Obi: Yes.
Bren: And you don't like it.
Obi: Would you? It's plaid, and it's...well, it's a dress. Shoot, I missed the last part of the Lima holo.
Bren: Obi, it's not like you haven't seen each of his holo's twenty times.
Obi: True. But I'm addicted. I am a Lima-aholic.
(Qui-Gon stepped out a few minutes later, all decked out his new uniform.)
Qui: Do not say a word, Obi-Wan. I mean it. And if you tell ANYONE that I was in the hall without my clothes, I will kill you. I swear it.
Bren: You're lucky he didn't have his image recorder.
Qui: Uh, Obi-Wan?
Obi: I did NOT take any pictures of you. I was watching Lima.
Qui: Okay, just checking. Are you ready?
Obi: Huh?
Qui: We are leaving. Fix your braid and follow me. Don't EVEN try and get yourself lost. I will find you. Should you act like a fool during this ceremony, I will see to it, that you spend the next week in Mr. Poof's meditation class. Do we understand each other?
Obi: Yes, Master.
Qui: Bren, we will see you in a bit. Dinner tonight?
Bren: Even after what I did to you...you know, the towel thing?
Qui: Yes. As long as there is no PROOF (he glared at his padawan) of what happened, then it's okay. We'll be back later.
Bren: Farewell, my Stud Muffin Master! Cya kid!
*********
(Obi-Wan followed at his master's heels as they walked through the corridors. He tried to hide himself whenever he saw a Jedi he knew.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, you don't have to cling to me while we walk. Can you back off, just a bit?
Obi: No, Master. I can't let anyone see me like this. Can you hide me in...wait, you don't have a robe on. If I am seen like this, I will never live it down.
Qui: Oh, you mean, your friends calling you Pale-Legs Kenobi?
Obi: Not funny, Master. They will do that too. You just don't know.
Qui: So then, you won't call me cheeken legs anymore.
Obi: Well, that's different. You're my master. It's my job to antagonize you.
Qui: And you do that so well. Do me a favor, okay? Just keep your mouth movement to a minimum while we are in here? The council awaits us.
Obi: Oh, joy!
(Entering the chambers, Obi-Wan immediately bit his lip to keep from laughing and from commenting at the scene before him. All the members of the council were there, each showing off their new uniforms to the other. Mace was in the middle of the floor right when Obi-Wan and his master walked in.)
Mace: Look at these sexy legs! I mean, it doesn't get much better than that! Shall I break dance for you? Pardon me for saying so, but I look GOOD in this kilt! SEXY MACE! LOOK OUT!
Yoda: Break dance you will not. Our own council will keep on who is sexy.
Poof: BOO!
(That did it, Obi-Wan could contain himself no longer. The site of Poof and his scary looking bony sticks that he called legs, was too much.)
Obi: Hahhaahahahaahah! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Hahahaahahahh! Master, help me! Hhahahahaahahahaah! Make him stop. Poofy is dancing now. His head goes baaaaaaaaack and forrrrrrrrrrrth. NOOOO! I can't watch this. Sexy Poof dance? NOT! Hahahahahahaha!
Yoda: Funny you find this, Padawan Kenobi?
Obi: Hahahaahahah...uh...um...uhhh. Honestly?
Yoda: Lie you will not.
Obi: Yes, Master Yoda, this is hysterical. May I laugh some more?
Yoda: Laugh you may not. Sexy legs, we all have. Agree, do you?
Obi: Uh, yes. Nice legs you've got there. A little short and stumpy and wrinkled...but...
Qui: Obi-Wan!
Obi: Sorry.
Qui: Master Yoda, may I ask what the special ceremony is that we are here for?
Yoda: A new speeder Master Windu has. Here to christen it we are. A formal presentation this will be.
Obi: Oh no. Not another passive purple speeder.
Qui: Passion purple.
Obi: Master, if my friends see me in a dress, riding in a purple speeder, I am so dead.
Yoda: When finished dancing they are, proceed we will to the docking bay. Missing only Master Brazo, we are.
Obi: Master Brazo?
Qui: No, Obi-Wan. This is not a mush type atmosphere right now.
Obi: But...
(Just then, Brazo burst through the doors.)
Brazo: GOOD AFTERNOON!!
Obi: Oh man, they put him in a kilt too.
Brazo: No one look at my knees. They are very unattractive.
Obi: Master Brazo, where are your shoes?
Brazo: Don't look at my feet either. Nice legs, Obi-Wan. You should try working out more.
Obi: Stop staring at my legs.
Brazo: Why are we here?
Obi: Master Windu has a new speeder. You missed the first one, Betsy. She was pension purple.
Qui: Passion purple.
Obi: Does it really matter, Master? Does it? It's a speeder and it's purple. That's bad enough.
Brazo: Right. Glad I missed out on that. So this is a new one?
Obi: I guess. Can't wait to see what this one looks like.
Qui: I sense sarcasm in your voice.
Obi: No, really?
Brazo: Sounds like someone didn't get a hug today.
Qui: I don't accept hugs, you know that.
Obi: Me, Master! He's talking about me. No, he didn't hug me. Just made me wear this...this...dress.
Brazo: I don't like it either, Obi-Wan. I am protesting by not wearing shoes.
Obi: Better watch where you step. There's trolls around these parts.
Qui: Okay, enough. The council is ready to leave. Let's take our places.
(The begin the procession towards docking bay 47. Obi-Wan heard a high-pitched whining sound coming from behind them. Turning back, he saw Poof and Mace playing some kind of strange instrument made out of a bag...a plaid bag.)
Obi: Master, what's that awful music?
Qui: That, my dear apprentice is the song 'Taps' being played on the bagpipes.
Obi: Uh, 'Taps'? As in...your form of mush?
Qui: No. Not that. It's traditional music played at funerals.
Obi: Who died? I thought we were going to see a speeder?
Qui: We are, I think.
Obi: Another weird troll tradition. And those are bagpipes?
Qui: Yes.
Obi: The pipes are the same diameter as Poofy's neck.
Qui: Obi-Wan! Quiet!
Brazo: He's right on the money there, Qui-Gon. Those pipes are exactly the same size. That's just...strange.
(They entered the docking bay, and there it was. The new speeder.)
Mace: Look at her, all shined up, just like my sexy legs! I would like you all to meet, my Lavender Lady.
(Obi-Wan immediately hid behind Qui-Gon so he could hide his face that was about to break out in hysterical laughter.)
Mace: What do you think gentlemen?
Brazo: What a piece of...oh, she's lovely Mace. Lavender huh? With green detailing I see.
Mace: Not just any green. Troll green.
(By now, Obi-Wan had his face buried in his master's back. The laughter could not be held back.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, stop it.
Mace: Shall we christen it?
Qui: Um, sure. With what?
Mace: A bottle of '78 Sparkling Troll Water.
Obi: Master, please...I can't contain myself...please let me laugh out loud. PLEASE!
Qui: Shhh. '78 was a good year.
Mace: Padawan Kenobi? Would you like to come out from hiding and break the bottle over the front of the hood?
Obi: Uh, um. (his eyes were watering, he was trying so hard not to laugh). Um...
Mace: Are you all right? You're crying.
Obi: It's just...this speeder is...it's just...so...so...beautiful...I can't stand it. What happened to the purple plum speeder?
Mace: Ah yes, Betsy. Passion purple actually. Well, I had to put her out to pasture, she was showing some gray around the edges.
Qui: You only had it for six months.
Mace: Yes, but she was quite a lady. And she matched my saber. But, I had to let her go. It was sad, but had to be done. Now, how about we break this thing?
Obi: Master Windu needs a woman. I think he's desperate.
Qui: Obi-Wan! QUIET!
Obi: Can't you take him to your hair dresser next time? You have all those women chasing you all the time. You could share one with him. Please. I can't take many more of these new color coordinated speeders. Just take him with you. If you do, I promise not to tell anyone about those pink rollers you use in your hair when you sleep.
Qui: (grabbing the boy's braid) I am warning you. Do NOT open your lips about that. And just how to you know about them anyway?
Obi: Well, um...
Qui: You are sneaking around my room at night aren't you?
Obi: Who me?
Qui: Who else? Although I don't know how you do this without me knowing. Your mouth constantly has words coming out of it, you don't know how to do things quietly.
Obi: Well then, I surprised you. I can be quiet when I want too.
Qui: We will talk about this later. You have my word on that.
Brazo: Qui-Gon, you're wearing curlers? I was wondering how you keep your hair so healthy looking.
Qui: Obi-Wan, so help me...
Yoda: Pay attention you will. At hand, the special moment is.
Obi: So, this is what being a Jedi is all about? Foolish me, I had dreams of saving planets, and protecting the galaxy. Nope. Silly padawan that I am, that's not it at all. It's all about pretty purple speeders, kilts, backward trolls and hair curlers.
Qui: Passion purple. And ENOUGH about the curlers.
Brazo: Actually, this one is lavender. Get it right.
Obi: Whatever. Purple is purple. We are standing here, in plaid dresses, about to break a bottle of troll water over the hood of a purple speeder. Is there something wrong with this picture?
Qui: Whatever our duty calls us to do.
Mace: Hey, Tap Tap, Rug Boy, come over here. Watch my sexy walk as I whack this bottle over my new speeder.
Qui: What did he just call us?
Brazo: Tap Tap and Rug Boy.
Obi: Geez, Master. If EVERYONE else can see that you have a shoulder-tapping problem, why can't you?
Qui: Please don't start that, Rug Boy.
Obi: Okay, just because I wore a wig for a couple months earlier this year, does NOT mean that I enjoy it. I had to cover up the bald spot I got when I set my hair on fire with my saber. This is my real hair. Feel it!
Qui: Obi-Wan, no one wants to touch your hair.
Obi: Come on. I dare you. This is real hair. I even washed it a week ago.
Qui: Padawan, you need to wash your hair more often than once a week.
Obi: Why?
Qui: If you need to ask, then we need to talk.
Mace: HELLO OVER THERE? We are waiting for you.
Qui: Come on, let's go humor the council member.
Mace: I christen thee, Petunia. May we have many happy journeys together.
Obi: And you think I have problems, Master? Do I name speeders? Do I paint them Palmolive purple with troll green racing stripes?
Qui: Passion purple.
Brazo: Lavender.
Qui: Well, you do have a rock named Fred.
Obi: You gave me that rock. That's your fault.
Qui: Always blaming your master.
Obi: It's only because I love you.
Qui: Yeah, I'm sure it is.
Mace: HEY? Attention over here! NOW!
Obi: Boy, he's grumpy. Curlers wrapped to tight.
Qui: Shut up about the curlers.
(They approach the speeder just as Mace whacks the bottle of troll water over the hood.)
Obi: What is that SMELL?
Yoda: Troll water it is. Perfume of my beloved.
Obi: Ooooooooh no. He's gonna slobber on Yaddle. Let's go, Master, please.
Brazo: Anyone have a stick?
Qui: A stick? Why?
Brazo: I stepped in something, have to scrape it off my feet.
Obi: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! I told you there were trolls around here. You gotta watch where you step. Troll droppings.
Qui: OBI-WAN!
Obi: Well, that's what's on his foot.
Qui: That's it, let's go home. Mace? I'm sorry, my padawan is acting like a fool, we must go.
Mace: So, he's acting normally?
Qui: Not funny. Love your speeder, and your dress. Bye.
Mace: WAIT! I didn't do my sexy leg dance. Get back here.
Qui: I don't want to see your sexy legs anymore. And why are they so shiny?
Mace: I used Nair. Use it on my head too. Followed by a small about of Mr. Clean. You know I was originally the mascot of the Mr. Clean products.
Qui: Yes, I am sure you were.
Mace: Well, before I trained to be a mime.
Obi: I TOLD YOU HE WAS A MIME! I KNEW IT!
Qui: Let's go. Goodbye everyone, thanks for the dress. Obi-Wan, come. Brazo, you stink. Wash your feet.
Obi: Bye, Master Brazo.
(Qui-Gon pulled the boy from the docking bay by his braid. Obi-Wan struggled to keep up.)
Obi: OW! Master, stop. That hurts. Where are we going?
Qui: Home. Every time I take you out anywhere, you drive me insane. I can't take much more of this.
Obi: You should see Nev. He does wonders for me.
Qui: He hasn't helped you at all, what are you talking about? I'm thinking about taking you to a new shrink.
Obi: NO! I love Nev. He and I have an understanding.
Qui: Yes, and it involves driving me to drink.
Obi: No, I can't let that happen If I lose you, then who will I have to harass?
Qui: Keep walking, Padawan.
Obi: Can we go back to the store? I forgot to get some of that pastah stuff. Mace-a-Roni. I love that stuff. Mace-a Roni, the Cor-a-scant treat.
Qui: NO! NO! NO! You are staying in our quarters until I figure out how to keep your lips from flapping so much.
Obi: Master Bren just calls me FLO.
Qui: Should I ask why?
Obi: Probably not, but I'll tell you anyway. FLO. Flying Lips Obi.
Qui: She knows you to well.
Obi: Admit it, you guys would be so bored without me.
Qui: Don't talk anymore. Just, silence.
Obi: Is this part of the trials?
Qui: Yes.
Obi: Chalk me up as failing this one. Can we take our dresses off when we get home?
Qui: Yes. But you are NOT to run around the apartment in your boxers. You might scare Bren with your so-called sexy Obi look.
Obi: Oh, I forgot about that. Can't do sexy Obi in a dress. Just not normal.
Qui: Didn't seem to bother Mace.
(Opening the door to the apartment, they found Bren had camped herself out on the couch, munching on one of Qui's Pie's.)
Bren: Hi boys! Good pie, Qui. When did you learn to cook?
Qui: I didn't.
Obi: We got those at the store. Is that the Poofleberry one?
Bren: YES! You should try this kid. The sugar just DRIPS off of it.
(He reached for the pie, until Qui-Gon grabbed his hand away.)
Qui: NO! No sugar. That's the last thing you need right now. Go get a shower, and WASH your hair this time.
Obi: Master, have you thought about taking Valium?
Qui: No, but I've thought about putting you on it.
Obi: I have no trouble sleeping.
Qui: Yes, I know that. It's the only time I get quiet in this place. Bren, do they sell that in powder form?
Bren: You are not giving the kid Valium. Obi, go take your dress off, and get a shower. Then you can come sit with me and cuddle with my towel.
Obi: WOOHOO!
(He bounded into the bathroom, but before the water was turned on, he came flying back out, wearing only his boxers.)
Obi: DON'T ANYBODY LOOK! I forgot my clean underwear.
Qui: Then why are you in the common area? Your underwear is in your bedroom.
Obi: Uh...um...sexy Obi dance?
Qui: GET IN THE SHOWER! NOW!
Obi: You're no fun anymore.
Qui: I was never any fun.
Obi: Oh yeah. I got you confused with Brazo for a minute there.
Qui: OBI-WAN...don't make me tie you to the bath tub.
Obi: I'm going, I'm going. Can I try on your lightsaber boxers?
Qui: GO! NOW! BEFORE I KILL YOU!
Obi: Death is bad. Here I go.
(When Obi-Wan finally retreated to the bathroom, Qui-Gon sat down next to Bren on the couch. He was trying desperately to calm himself.)
Bren: You need a vacation. And a stress management class. Relax, Qui. Don't let him get to you.
Qui: He tests every nerve in my body. How can one person be so...so...mouthy?
Bren: He just does it for attention.
Qui: No he doesn't. He does it because he knows it aggravates me to no end. He just wants a reaction out of me.
Bren: And you provide that for him. Maybe if you tried to ignore his antics?
Qui: Well, I've done that before.
Bren: Try it now See what happens.
Qui: Can I have my towel back?
Bren: No, you lost it fair and square. And put on quite a show for me.
Qui: I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.
(A few minutes later, Obi-Wan came wandering out, shaking his wet hair and braid all over the common area. When Qui-Gon didn't respond, he did it again. Confused, he started running his lips.)
Obi: What's for dinner, Master? Qui's Pie's? Lots of sugar in there, you know how much that would affect me. I'd be bouncing off the walls. No sleep. Just nothing but happy Obi. Happy...Obi...yup...that's me. Um...Master?
Qui: Yes, Padawan?
Obi: Are you okay?
Qui: Just fine. Something you need?
Obi: Uh, no. I'll just have a pie and a bowl of Jedi Crunch with Poof Berries for dinner.
Qui: That's fine, Obi-Wan.
Obi: All that sugar in one helping. You sure you're okay with that?
Qui: Whatever you wish.
Obi: Okay. Thanks. I think I will have ALL THAT sugar for dinner. Watch me bounce...off...the...walls. Hmmmm. Master?
Qui: Yes, Obi-Wan?
Obi: Sugar? Bounce? Me?
Qui: Sure.
Obi: This is no fun. I'm gonna go study. If you guys are gonna cuddle, keep your clothes on. None of that naked stuff from earlier. Okay?
Qui: Whatever you say, Padawan.
Obi: Yeah, okay. Um...goodnight.
Qui: Goodnight.
(Retreating to his bedroom, he slammed the door behind him. Qui-Gon turned to Bren.)
Qui: I can't believe it. It worked. And I didn't even have to use duct tape. Listen, you hear that?
Bren: Hear what?
Qui: Exactly. Nothing. Just...silence. What will I ever do with myself?
Bren: Well, before you get all happy, keep in mind, this probably won't last long. The kid is a lot of things, but dumb is not one of them. Won't take him long to figure out what you are doing. So, enjoy it while it lasts.
Qui: Must you always be so honest and to the point?
Bren: Yes.
Qui: You owe me a towel.
Obi: MASTER!!! (the boy yelled from his bedroom)
Bren: I told you. The silence is broken.
Qui: What do you want, Obi-Wan?
Obi: Are you gonna do that naked towel cuddle thing again?
Qui: No. I thought you were studying.
Obi: I am, but I can't concentrate if you two are gonna do disgusting things out there. Keep it clean, okay?
Bren: He's got a way with words.
Qui: OBI-WAN?
Obi: Yes, Master?
Qui: When you are older, and doing your naked cuddle thing, you remember this conversation.
Obi: And you remember the naked in the hallway thing.
Qui: You have no proof of that.
Obi: Yes I do.
(Qui-Gon shot up from the couch, and stomped into his padawan's room.)
Qui: WHAT? You do not.
Obi: Okay, well I, myself don't. But I know who does.
Qui: WHO? TELL ME!
Obi: Master Bren.
Bren: OBI! You were supposed to keep that quiet.
Obi: Sorry, flying lips.
Qui: WHAT DID YOU DO BREN?
Bren: Well, I uh...was testing out my new miniature image recorder. I was gonna use it on our next vacation. And well, I had it when you were in the hall doing your naked towel dance. I...uh...snapped a few holo's.
Qui: WHAT!!!!
Bren: No one will see them Qui. I swear to you. I just want to keep them for my own enjoyment. And to have something to hold over your head the next time you go around telling everyone that you LET me win in sparring. And this is my revenge for that whole Tahl-Revenge episode. And other things as that pop up.
Qui: I can't believe this. I would expect that from HIM (he looks at Obi-Wan), but never from you.
Bren: But they came out great. Let me show you.
(She pulled out a tiny image recorder from her robe, and plugged it into Obi-Wan's larger recorder to get a better preview image.)
Obi: Hahahahaahahahah! Hahahhahahaah! And you call me pale? Hahahahahah!
Qui: Obi-Wan, don't look at those. Bren, turn it off.
Bren: But look, this is when you were scooting across the floor on your butt.
Obi: Hahahhaahhahah! Nooooooooooooo! Bad Image! Hahhaahahahah! This is killing meeeee!
Qui: ENOUGH! Okay, what do I have to do to keep you from using these against me?
Bren: This is evidence, Qui. You behave, and I will never show these to anyone else.
(Qui-Gon stared at his apprentice once more.)
Obi: Dooooooon't look at me. I had nothing to do with this. Unfortunately.
Qui: Your hands are never clean of anything. I put nothing past you. But...okay. I will behave Bren. Just please don't show those. I have to maintain a certain level of respect within the Order. That's hard enough to do with motor mouth here as my padawan. Have pity on me. Please?
Bren: Awww, you're so cute when you're pouting. Okay. I'll trade you. Me and you, ALONE, tomorrow evening for a special romantic dinner. NO APPRENTICE!
Obi: But...
Bren: NO!
Obi: Okay.
Qui: You got it. I remember how to be romantic. I think.
Obi: Gah! More adult mush crap. You can keep that. I'll hang out with Brazo.
Qui: Good. It's a date. Now, off to bed with you, Obi-Wan.
Bren: Yes, Obi. Your master still has to try and get his towel back from me. Catch me if you can, Qui-Poo!
Obi: Oh Force, you two are disgusting. Good night.
Bren: Good, the kid's in bed, and I have your towel. Meet you on the couch, Sweet Knees!
Obi: STOP IT! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! Lalalalalala...I can't hear you.
Qui: I think you're on to something. Adult mush keeps him quiet. Hmmm.
Bren: We got him right where we want him, Stretch. Is it any wonder why I love this family. My Stud Muffin and his mouthy shadow. And THE towel! My life is complete. How's about a little couch mush, Qui-Poo?
Obi: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Don't want to hear this.
Qui: Couch mush huh? Don't mind if I do. You still owe me a towel though.
Bren: I've got your towel, Mr. Jedi Stuuuud.
Qui: Should I wear my kilt?
Obi: STOP IT! GET OUT OF MY ROOM! OUT! OUT! OUT! Geez. Remind me NEVER to become an adult...and to never own a towel. This is the part of my master's life that I REALLY don't want to know about.
END
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid
E-MAIL: hlnkid@aol.com
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Pre-TPM, non-slash. (Obi is 13) An interesting day with Qui and Obi, as they head out for a little shopping and get new uniforms.
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
ARCHIVE: Please ask first.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
NOTE: This fic has references to my story "Hail Storms and Speeders."
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Sexy Obi
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Obi: Master, I don't understand. What is this special ceremony we have to attend? And what's this I hear about new dress uniforms?
Qui: Well to be honest, I don't know much about what's going on. Our uniforms will be delivered later this afternoon. We are to dress for this ceremony taking place late this evening and meet with the council then.
Obi: Are they gonna make us watch the wedding of the trolls again?
Qui: No, I don't think so. But we have plenty of time until then, so you and I need to make a trip to the store. We need food. You seem to have eaten just about everything in this apartment. If I don't feed you soon, you might eat the furniture.
Obi: Give me a little credit, sheesh. Anyway, I tried the furniture, tastes like rope.
Qui: Let's go. We'll go to Maceway's, it's cheaper than Poof Lion.
Obi: Did they name it after Master Windu?
Qui: I suppose they did, why?
Obi: No reason, just being my normal nosey self. Is he really a mime?
Qui: No comment. Come on.
Obi: A mime is a terrible thing to waste.
(They borrowed a speeder and headed for the store. Once there, Qui-Gon grabbed his apprentice by the braid before they entered.)
Qui: Do not fill this cart up with sweets and snack foods, understand? You need to eat healthier. NO sugar.
Obi: I need sugar, Master, almost as much as I need mush. But that's another story. Can I sit in the cart?
Qui: No! And we are on a budget, so I want generic brands, got it?
Obi: Yes, Mr. Grumpy.
Qui: Don't start, Obi-Wan. Okay, the cereal aisle. You can pick two of them and that's it. And remember, no sugar.
Obi: But...oh wow! Sugar Poofs!
Qui: NO! Nothing with that word in the title. You and sugar are a deadly combination. Here, how about Shredded Trolls.
Obi: Ewww, just the name is nasty. How about this. Jedi Crunch with Poof Berries. The berries are blu and shaped like little poofs.
Qui: I thought you were scared of Poof.
Obi: I am, but look at the sugar content on these babies! WHEW! Can I get them, Master? Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Qui: OBI-WAN STOP! Yes, you can get those, but that's it for the sugar. Now get a healthy one. Grape Trolls.
Obi: Why is everything in this store named after Yoda and Mr. Poof? Don't these people know how much those two freak kids like me out?
Qui: Yes, which is why they do it. Just to watch your reaction. These look good, Frosted O's.
Obi: Did it get cold in here just now?
Qui: No. Here, put this box in the cart. I want Frosted O's for me.
Obi: MASTER! The box is freezing. No, put it back.
Qui: Obi-Wan, his box is not cold in the least. What is your problem?
Obi: Get it away from me. I'm getting this vision of me on a very cold planet, frozen solid. And Master Sio is there, laughing at me. Telling me I'm an Obisicle and calling me Fro O. Get it away from me, Master. HURRY! NOW!
Qui: Okay, okay. I think that's enough cereal anyway. And speaking of cold, we need some frozen foods. You want cheeken?
Obi: Yes, and some of these poof chops, and wait...what is this? Leg of Liam? It's green, but looks good. Can we get this one?
Qui: What is a Liam?
Obi: I have no idea. But reminds me of Lima. And you know how much I love Lima. He thuds me. ALL RIGHT!!!! CANDY AISLE!!!! YES!!!
Qui: He thuds you? Huh? Wait, Obi-Wan! You can get ONE box of candy. ONE! And that is it. And NO JuJu Trolls. You never eat those anyway, you just throw them at the back of people's heads every time we go see a holo in the theatre.
Obi: I only throw the black ones, well the green ones too. Chocolate covered trolls? Oh, gross. I'll just get these, Gummy Siths. Can we get some soda? Poofsi Cola has sugar in it, but...
Qui: Okay, yes. But get some of that Nog too.
Obi: This stuff? It's made by the Naw company.
Qui: That's it, Ibo. Keep moving, we need vegetables now.
Obi: Ibo? Master what is this, speed shopping? Slow down! Uh...hey, let's get these. Lima's lima beans! I didn't know Lima had his own bean company.
Qui: I don't think it's Lima the actor, Padawan.
Obi: Yeah, they probably just stole his name. Kinda like this thing here. Qui's Pies! Master! You didn't tell me you could bake. When did this happen? The last time you tried to, you nearly burned down the kitchen. You're making pies now?
Qui: No, I am not. They are using my name without my permission. Just grab a box of Blue Troll Berries and let's get out of here. We need to get a workout in before the new uniforms arrive.
(They get to the checkout, Obi-Wan manages to get his hands on every impulse item there.)
Obi: HAHA! Teen Poof magazine. Ewww, look. Who's the youngest and hippest poof out there? Some guy named Ricky Poof Martin, and the Backstreet Poofs. At least they have hair. Oooooo, chapstick and batteries. I need these.
Qui: No! Put them back.
Obi: Hair rollers and nail clippers, Master! For your next trip to the beauty salon.
Qui: Obi-Wan, shut up! Don't tell the entire store my business.
Obi: But you're hair looks GOOD, Master. You're becoming the gossip king of the salon though. You better watch yourself, all those women after you. Master Bren will be jealous. You remember the entire Tahl thing, right? Revenge and all?
Qui: QUIET!
Obi: You're in denial. Cool! The Jedi Inquirer. Look Master! Master Kloon is having Yaddle's love child. Hmmmmm, how'd that happen? Master Kloon is a male, right? I think. And, Jedi Shrink, Nev Daloon, admits he's a mushaholic? WHAT??????
Qui: Obi-Wan, don't read that. Those stories are not true. Nev is not a mushaholic.
Obi: I had a feeling he was hiding something. Ooooo, a cigarette lighter. I need this too.
Qui: No, only Yoda needs that to light his...uh...never mind.
Obi: What?
Qui: Nothing. Let's pay and get home.
Obi: Does Master Yoda smoke?
Qui: Uh, no.
Obi: Master?
Qui: NO! Home! NOW!
(They arrived home, put the food away, and made a quick trip to the gym. When they got back, they found that the new dress uniforms had been left for them. Obi-Wan took one look at it, and his lips began to fly.)
Obi: A DRESS????? I am NOT wearing a dress master. NO WAY! And it's plaid of all colors? Who invented this?
Qui: It's a kilt, Obi-Wan. Not a dress. You've seen Lima wearing one in his movies.
Obi: Master, whatever you want to call it. Either way, I am gonna have to look at your cheeken legs. I don't care to see them. Lima can have mine, I am not wearing this thing in public. No! I can see us now, Padawan Kenobi and his mentor, Master Hairy Cheeken Legs.
Qui: Oh, and your legs are better?
Obi: I have kids legs. Strong, tan and muscular. People pay good money to have legs that look like mine. But do I go around showing them off? No. If you think I am gonna wear that, and stand next to you in front of the council. Oh no. The council. They will be wearing these too! Troll legs? Poof legs? I can't do it, Master. I can't. Punish me now, because I can't do it.
Qui: You can and you will. So go try it on and make sure it fits. I will do the same. And I want to see you in it, don't just tell me you tried it on.
Obi: Masterrrrrr.
Qui: No whining. You can wear your boxers under it if you like.
Obi: What boxers?
Qui: You know, the green ones with the little glow-in-the-dark Poofs. The ones that Bren gave you for your birthday.
Obi: Oh, right. Me in my plaid kilt and my poofy boxers. That'll make a good picture. I will TRY it on, but that's it. I mean it.
Qui: Good. Don't forget your socks and the belt.
(Thirty minutes later, Obi-Wan had yet to come out of his room. Qui-Gon called to him.)
Qui: Padawan, today would be nice.
Obi: Yes it would, Master. But I feel really stupid in this thing. It doesn't go with my tunic.
Qui: Obi-Wan, put that small black jacket on, over the white shirt. You don't wear your tunic with a kilt.
Obi: Why didn't you say so? Geez. Hold on.
Qui: I'm coming in, open the door.
Obi: Master, NO! I'm not decent. Get out!
Qui: Obi-Wan, let me in.
Obi: Not yet.
Qui: OBI-WAN!
Obi: Oh, nuts. Okay, you can come in. But DON'T laugh at me.
Qui: Well, you look quite professional. Very nice, Padawan. You have your shoes on the wrong feet, but we can fix that. What are you staring at?
Obi: Hahahahahahah! You got...you got...hahahahahaha. You really do have cheeken legs! Hahahahah! I was just joking around before, but you do...cheeken legs. Hahahaha! Cover those things up, Master. Those legs are scary.
Qui: Yes, and what happened to your tan, muscular ones? All I see is pale and skinny. Kind of like the rest of you.
Obi: I hide my strength well. Don't let looks deceive you.
Qui: Yes, you keep thinking that. Now that I know this fits, I am going to grab a shower. Do you think you can behave yourself until I get out?
Obi: Yes. Can I get changed?
Qui: No. We will be leaving in about an hour.
Obi: Leaving?
Qui: The council is meeting then, we are to attend the ceremony in their chambers.
Obi: But...but you said it was later this evening. Master! You lied to me. This was all just to get me into this...hideous uniform. I can't believe it. Lying is such an ugly thing. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Qui: Well, I'm not. Now, be good while I get cleaned up.
********
(Out of the shower, Qui-Gon had wrapped a towel around his waist when he heard the door chime sound. He yelled to his padawan from the bathroom.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, can you get the door please?
Obi: No, Master! I'm watching a Lima holo.
Qui: Obi-Wan! GET THE DOOR!
Obi: Sorry, Master, Lima is more important.
(Qui-Gon came stomping out, towel around his waist. His upper torso was still wet.)
Qui: Padawan, you and I are going to have a long talk one of these days. About obeying your master.
Obi: Whatever you say, Master. You're the boss.
Qui: Sometimes I wonder about that. (door chime sounds again) I'm coming, I'm coming. (He opens the door.) Bren! Hi!
Bren: Hey, Stretch. Nice wardrobe.
(As they talked for a minute, just outside the apartment, Obi-Wan, feeling slightly chilled, got up from the couch and closed the door. Qui-Gon, still outside, felt his towel suddenly being removed from his body. It had gotten lodged in the door when the padawan closed it and there wasn't enough on his side of the door to hide...himself.)
Bren: Um, Qui?
Qui: OBI-WAN!!!! DAMN IT! OPEN THE DOOR NOW! Bren, turn your head away. Don't look. (He tried hiding himself with his hands, and then pulling Bren in front of him while he kept yelling at the door.)
Qui: OBI-WAN! OPEN THE DOOR! THIS IS YOUR MASTER SPEAKING! OPEN IT.
Obi: Master, Lima is still on. Wait until a commercial. You're talking to Master Bren anyway. It's drafty in here when you leave the door open.
Bren: Qui, you look a little pale. At least from the thighs up. Ever consider a tanning bed?
Qui: Stop moving. Stand in front of me. Don't let...uh...
(Master Jerra came walking down the hall, along side him, his padawan, Taj.)
Jerra: Hi...uh. Never mind. Taj, don't look. Hide your eyes. Qui-Gon, at least go inside if you want to do the naked cuddle thing.
Qui: Can I borrow your robe?
Jerra: Um, no. Taj and I have to go. Really. Run, Padawan. NOW! GO!
Qui: But...HEY! OBI-WAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obi: Master, QUIET!
Qui: Bren, open the door. Please. It's cold out here.
Bren: It's stuck Qui. I can't budge it. Obi? Can you open the door please? Your master is, um...cold.
Obi: Hang on, it's almost a commercial.
Qui: OBI-WAN, OPEN THE DOOR OR YOU WILL BE POOF'S NEW APPRENTICE!
Obi: Okay, geeeeeeez.
(The boy got up from the couch, and tried to pull the door open.)
Obi: Master, it won't open. There's a towel stuck in it. Is that your...hahahahahaah! Master? Are you naked out there? Hahahahahaha.
Qui: Open the door.
Obi: It's stuck. Push from that side. On three. One, two...THREE.
(Qui-Gon and Bren came bursting through the door, landing on the floor. Immediately, the tall Jedi reached for the towel close by. But Bren had grabbed it first.)
Qui: Bren, give me the towel. I can't let my padawan see me like this.
Obi: Yeah, give me nightmares.
Bren: Hehehe. What's in this for me, Stretch?
Qui: A lifetime of cuddles. (He was sitting up on the floor, covering himself with one hand while he reached for the towel with the other.)
Bren: You say that all the time. I want something more.
Qui: I'll let you beat me in sparring again?
Bren: What?
Qui: Okay, Uh, I'll let you have my padawan.
Bren: No thanks. I'd like to keep this towel.
Qui: That's it?
Bren: Yes.
Qui: Okay, let me use it to get to my room, and then it's all yours.
Bren: Nope. I want to see you run, you sexy thing you!
Obi: Hello? Trying to watch Lima here, can you two keep your naked adult mush crap to yourself please?
Qui: Obi-Wan, throw me your blanket.
Obi: No way, Master. My blanket only touches fully clothed individuals.
Bren: Oh, Stretchyyyyyyy. I have your towel. It's all mine. Come and get it.
(As Bren dangled the towel in front of him, Qui-Gon tried to scoot himself towards his bedroom without standing up.)
Bren: Oh, THAT'S real attractive, Qui. Here take your towel.
(He grabbed for it, but she yanked it away again.)
Qui: BREN!
Bren: Hehehe.
Qui: Obi-Wan, don't look.
Obi: Don't worry.
(Qui-Gon shot up off the floor and ran as fast as he could to his room, slamming the door behind him.)
Bren: Awwwww, my Qui-Poo forgot his towel.
Obi: Master Bren, you are so funny. Are you really gonna keep his towel?
Bren: Yes, I am the keeper of Qui-Gon's towel. Nice dress kid. New uniform?
Obi: Yes.
Bren: And you don't like it.
Obi: Would you? It's plaid, and it's...well, it's a dress. Shoot, I missed the last part of the Lima holo.
Bren: Obi, it's not like you haven't seen each of his holo's twenty times.
Obi: True. But I'm addicted. I am a Lima-aholic.
(Qui-Gon stepped out a few minutes later, all decked out his new uniform.)
Qui: Do not say a word, Obi-Wan. I mean it. And if you tell ANYONE that I was in the hall without my clothes, I will kill you. I swear it.
Bren: You're lucky he didn't have his image recorder.
Qui: Uh, Obi-Wan?
Obi: I did NOT take any pictures of you. I was watching Lima.
Qui: Okay, just checking. Are you ready?
Obi: Huh?
Qui: We are leaving. Fix your braid and follow me. Don't EVEN try and get yourself lost. I will find you. Should you act like a fool during this ceremony, I will see to it, that you spend the next week in Mr. Poof's meditation class. Do we understand each other?
Obi: Yes, Master.
Qui: Bren, we will see you in a bit. Dinner tonight?
Bren: Even after what I did to you...you know, the towel thing?
Qui: Yes. As long as there is no PROOF (he glared at his padawan) of what happened, then it's okay. We'll be back later.
Bren: Farewell, my Stud Muffin Master! Cya kid!
*********
(Obi-Wan followed at his master's heels as they walked through the corridors. He tried to hide himself whenever he saw a Jedi he knew.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, you don't have to cling to me while we walk. Can you back off, just a bit?
Obi: No, Master. I can't let anyone see me like this. Can you hide me in...wait, you don't have a robe on. If I am seen like this, I will never live it down.
Qui: Oh, you mean, your friends calling you Pale-Legs Kenobi?
Obi: Not funny, Master. They will do that too. You just don't know.
Qui: So then, you won't call me cheeken legs anymore.
Obi: Well, that's different. You're my master. It's my job to antagonize you.
Qui: And you do that so well. Do me a favor, okay? Just keep your mouth movement to a minimum while we are in here? The council awaits us.
Obi: Oh, joy!
(Entering the chambers, Obi-Wan immediately bit his lip to keep from laughing and from commenting at the scene before him. All the members of the council were there, each showing off their new uniforms to the other. Mace was in the middle of the floor right when Obi-Wan and his master walked in.)
Mace: Look at these sexy legs! I mean, it doesn't get much better than that! Shall I break dance for you? Pardon me for saying so, but I look GOOD in this kilt! SEXY MACE! LOOK OUT!
Yoda: Break dance you will not. Our own council will keep on who is sexy.
Poof: BOO!
(That did it, Obi-Wan could contain himself no longer. The site of Poof and his scary looking bony sticks that he called legs, was too much.)
Obi: Hahhaahahahaahah! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Hahahaahahahh! Master, help me! Hhahahahaahahahaah! Make him stop. Poofy is dancing now. His head goes baaaaaaaaack and forrrrrrrrrrrth. NOOOO! I can't watch this. Sexy Poof dance? NOT! Hahahahahahaha!
Yoda: Funny you find this, Padawan Kenobi?
Obi: Hahahaahahah...uh...um...uhhh. Honestly?
Yoda: Lie you will not.
Obi: Yes, Master Yoda, this is hysterical. May I laugh some more?
Yoda: Laugh you may not. Sexy legs, we all have. Agree, do you?
Obi: Uh, yes. Nice legs you've got there. A little short and stumpy and wrinkled...but...
Qui: Obi-Wan!
Obi: Sorry.
Qui: Master Yoda, may I ask what the special ceremony is that we are here for?
Yoda: A new speeder Master Windu has. Here to christen it we are. A formal presentation this will be.
Obi: Oh no. Not another passive purple speeder.
Qui: Passion purple.
Obi: Master, if my friends see me in a dress, riding in a purple speeder, I am so dead.
Yoda: When finished dancing they are, proceed we will to the docking bay. Missing only Master Brazo, we are.
Obi: Master Brazo?
Qui: No, Obi-Wan. This is not a mush type atmosphere right now.
Obi: But...
(Just then, Brazo burst through the doors.)
Brazo: GOOD AFTERNOON!!
Obi: Oh man, they put him in a kilt too.
Brazo: No one look at my knees. They are very unattractive.
Obi: Master Brazo, where are your shoes?
Brazo: Don't look at my feet either. Nice legs, Obi-Wan. You should try working out more.
Obi: Stop staring at my legs.
Brazo: Why are we here?
Obi: Master Windu has a new speeder. You missed the first one, Betsy. She was pension purple.
Qui: Passion purple.
Obi: Does it really matter, Master? Does it? It's a speeder and it's purple. That's bad enough.
Brazo: Right. Glad I missed out on that. So this is a new one?
Obi: I guess. Can't wait to see what this one looks like.
Qui: I sense sarcasm in your voice.
Obi: No, really?
Brazo: Sounds like someone didn't get a hug today.
Qui: I don't accept hugs, you know that.
Obi: Me, Master! He's talking about me. No, he didn't hug me. Just made me wear this...this...dress.
Brazo: I don't like it either, Obi-Wan. I am protesting by not wearing shoes.
Obi: Better watch where you step. There's trolls around these parts.
Qui: Okay, enough. The council is ready to leave. Let's take our places.
(The begin the procession towards docking bay 47. Obi-Wan heard a high-pitched whining sound coming from behind them. Turning back, he saw Poof and Mace playing some kind of strange instrument made out of a bag...a plaid bag.)
Obi: Master, what's that awful music?
Qui: That, my dear apprentice is the song 'Taps' being played on the bagpipes.
Obi: Uh, 'Taps'? As in...your form of mush?
Qui: No. Not that. It's traditional music played at funerals.
Obi: Who died? I thought we were going to see a speeder?
Qui: We are, I think.
Obi: Another weird troll tradition. And those are bagpipes?
Qui: Yes.
Obi: The pipes are the same diameter as Poofy's neck.
Qui: Obi-Wan! Quiet!
Brazo: He's right on the money there, Qui-Gon. Those pipes are exactly the same size. That's just...strange.
(They entered the docking bay, and there it was. The new speeder.)
Mace: Look at her, all shined up, just like my sexy legs! I would like you all to meet, my Lavender Lady.
(Obi-Wan immediately hid behind Qui-Gon so he could hide his face that was about to break out in hysterical laughter.)
Mace: What do you think gentlemen?
Brazo: What a piece of...oh, she's lovely Mace. Lavender huh? With green detailing I see.
Mace: Not just any green. Troll green.
(By now, Obi-Wan had his face buried in his master's back. The laughter could not be held back.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, stop it.
Mace: Shall we christen it?
Qui: Um, sure. With what?
Mace: A bottle of '78 Sparkling Troll Water.
Obi: Master, please...I can't contain myself...please let me laugh out loud. PLEASE!
Qui: Shhh. '78 was a good year.
Mace: Padawan Kenobi? Would you like to come out from hiding and break the bottle over the front of the hood?
Obi: Uh, um. (his eyes were watering, he was trying so hard not to laugh). Um...
Mace: Are you all right? You're crying.
Obi: It's just...this speeder is...it's just...so...so...beautiful...I can't stand it. What happened to the purple plum speeder?
Mace: Ah yes, Betsy. Passion purple actually. Well, I had to put her out to pasture, she was showing some gray around the edges.
Qui: You only had it for six months.
Mace: Yes, but she was quite a lady. And she matched my saber. But, I had to let her go. It was sad, but had to be done. Now, how about we break this thing?
Obi: Master Windu needs a woman. I think he's desperate.
Qui: Obi-Wan! QUIET!
Obi: Can't you take him to your hair dresser next time? You have all those women chasing you all the time. You could share one with him. Please. I can't take many more of these new color coordinated speeders. Just take him with you. If you do, I promise not to tell anyone about those pink rollers you use in your hair when you sleep.
Qui: (grabbing the boy's braid) I am warning you. Do NOT open your lips about that. And just how to you know about them anyway?
Obi: Well, um...
Qui: You are sneaking around my room at night aren't you?
Obi: Who me?
Qui: Who else? Although I don't know how you do this without me knowing. Your mouth constantly has words coming out of it, you don't know how to do things quietly.
Obi: Well then, I surprised you. I can be quiet when I want too.
Qui: We will talk about this later. You have my word on that.
Brazo: Qui-Gon, you're wearing curlers? I was wondering how you keep your hair so healthy looking.
Qui: Obi-Wan, so help me...
Yoda: Pay attention you will. At hand, the special moment is.
Obi: So, this is what being a Jedi is all about? Foolish me, I had dreams of saving planets, and protecting the galaxy. Nope. Silly padawan that I am, that's not it at all. It's all about pretty purple speeders, kilts, backward trolls and hair curlers.
Qui: Passion purple. And ENOUGH about the curlers.
Brazo: Actually, this one is lavender. Get it right.
Obi: Whatever. Purple is purple. We are standing here, in plaid dresses, about to break a bottle of troll water over the hood of a purple speeder. Is there something wrong with this picture?
Qui: Whatever our duty calls us to do.
Mace: Hey, Tap Tap, Rug Boy, come over here. Watch my sexy walk as I whack this bottle over my new speeder.
Qui: What did he just call us?
Brazo: Tap Tap and Rug Boy.
Obi: Geez, Master. If EVERYONE else can see that you have a shoulder-tapping problem, why can't you?
Qui: Please don't start that, Rug Boy.
Obi: Okay, just because I wore a wig for a couple months earlier this year, does NOT mean that I enjoy it. I had to cover up the bald spot I got when I set my hair on fire with my saber. This is my real hair. Feel it!
Qui: Obi-Wan, no one wants to touch your hair.
Obi: Come on. I dare you. This is real hair. I even washed it a week ago.
Qui: Padawan, you need to wash your hair more often than once a week.
Obi: Why?
Qui: If you need to ask, then we need to talk.
Mace: HELLO OVER THERE? We are waiting for you.
Qui: Come on, let's go humor the council member.
Mace: I christen thee, Petunia. May we have many happy journeys together.
Obi: And you think I have problems, Master? Do I name speeders? Do I paint them Palmolive purple with troll green racing stripes?
Qui: Passion purple.
Brazo: Lavender.
Qui: Well, you do have a rock named Fred.
Obi: You gave me that rock. That's your fault.
Qui: Always blaming your master.
Obi: It's only because I love you.
Qui: Yeah, I'm sure it is.
Mace: HEY? Attention over here! NOW!
Obi: Boy, he's grumpy. Curlers wrapped to tight.
Qui: Shut up about the curlers.
(They approach the speeder just as Mace whacks the bottle of troll water over the hood.)
Obi: What is that SMELL?
Yoda: Troll water it is. Perfume of my beloved.
Obi: Ooooooooh no. He's gonna slobber on Yaddle. Let's go, Master, please.
Brazo: Anyone have a stick?
Qui: A stick? Why?
Brazo: I stepped in something, have to scrape it off my feet.
Obi: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! I told you there were trolls around here. You gotta watch where you step. Troll droppings.
Qui: OBI-WAN!
Obi: Well, that's what's on his foot.
Qui: That's it, let's go home. Mace? I'm sorry, my padawan is acting like a fool, we must go.
Mace: So, he's acting normally?
Qui: Not funny. Love your speeder, and your dress. Bye.
Mace: WAIT! I didn't do my sexy leg dance. Get back here.
Qui: I don't want to see your sexy legs anymore. And why are they so shiny?
Mace: I used Nair. Use it on my head too. Followed by a small about of Mr. Clean. You know I was originally the mascot of the Mr. Clean products.
Qui: Yes, I am sure you were.
Mace: Well, before I trained to be a mime.
Obi: I TOLD YOU HE WAS A MIME! I KNEW IT!
Qui: Let's go. Goodbye everyone, thanks for the dress. Obi-Wan, come. Brazo, you stink. Wash your feet.
Obi: Bye, Master Brazo.
(Qui-Gon pulled the boy from the docking bay by his braid. Obi-Wan struggled to keep up.)
Obi: OW! Master, stop. That hurts. Where are we going?
Qui: Home. Every time I take you out anywhere, you drive me insane. I can't take much more of this.
Obi: You should see Nev. He does wonders for me.
Qui: He hasn't helped you at all, what are you talking about? I'm thinking about taking you to a new shrink.
Obi: NO! I love Nev. He and I have an understanding.
Qui: Yes, and it involves driving me to drink.
Obi: No, I can't let that happen If I lose you, then who will I have to harass?
Qui: Keep walking, Padawan.
Obi: Can we go back to the store? I forgot to get some of that pastah stuff. Mace-a-Roni. I love that stuff. Mace-a Roni, the Cor-a-scant treat.
Qui: NO! NO! NO! You are staying in our quarters until I figure out how to keep your lips from flapping so much.
Obi: Master Bren just calls me FLO.
Qui: Should I ask why?
Obi: Probably not, but I'll tell you anyway. FLO. Flying Lips Obi.
Qui: She knows you to well.
Obi: Admit it, you guys would be so bored without me.
Qui: Don't talk anymore. Just, silence.
Obi: Is this part of the trials?
Qui: Yes.
Obi: Chalk me up as failing this one. Can we take our dresses off when we get home?
Qui: Yes. But you are NOT to run around the apartment in your boxers. You might scare Bren with your so-called sexy Obi look.
Obi: Oh, I forgot about that. Can't do sexy Obi in a dress. Just not normal.
Qui: Didn't seem to bother Mace.
(Opening the door to the apartment, they found Bren had camped herself out on the couch, munching on one of Qui's Pie's.)
Bren: Hi boys! Good pie, Qui. When did you learn to cook?
Qui: I didn't.
Obi: We got those at the store. Is that the Poofleberry one?
Bren: YES! You should try this kid. The sugar just DRIPS off of it.
(He reached for the pie, until Qui-Gon grabbed his hand away.)
Qui: NO! No sugar. That's the last thing you need right now. Go get a shower, and WASH your hair this time.
Obi: Master, have you thought about taking Valium?
Qui: No, but I've thought about putting you on it.
Obi: I have no trouble sleeping.
Qui: Yes, I know that. It's the only time I get quiet in this place. Bren, do they sell that in powder form?
Bren: You are not giving the kid Valium. Obi, go take your dress off, and get a shower. Then you can come sit with me and cuddle with my towel.
Obi: WOOHOO!
(He bounded into the bathroom, but before the water was turned on, he came flying back out, wearing only his boxers.)
Obi: DON'T ANYBODY LOOK! I forgot my clean underwear.
Qui: Then why are you in the common area? Your underwear is in your bedroom.
Obi: Uh...um...sexy Obi dance?
Qui: GET IN THE SHOWER! NOW!
Obi: You're no fun anymore.
Qui: I was never any fun.
Obi: Oh yeah. I got you confused with Brazo for a minute there.
Qui: OBI-WAN...don't make me tie you to the bath tub.
Obi: I'm going, I'm going. Can I try on your lightsaber boxers?
Qui: GO! NOW! BEFORE I KILL YOU!
Obi: Death is bad. Here I go.
(When Obi-Wan finally retreated to the bathroom, Qui-Gon sat down next to Bren on the couch. He was trying desperately to calm himself.)
Bren: You need a vacation. And a stress management class. Relax, Qui. Don't let him get to you.
Qui: He tests every nerve in my body. How can one person be so...so...mouthy?
Bren: He just does it for attention.
Qui: No he doesn't. He does it because he knows it aggravates me to no end. He just wants a reaction out of me.
Bren: And you provide that for him. Maybe if you tried to ignore his antics?
Qui: Well, I've done that before.
Bren: Try it now See what happens.
Qui: Can I have my towel back?
Bren: No, you lost it fair and square. And put on quite a show for me.
Qui: I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.
(A few minutes later, Obi-Wan came wandering out, shaking his wet hair and braid all over the common area. When Qui-Gon didn't respond, he did it again. Confused, he started running his lips.)
Obi: What's for dinner, Master? Qui's Pie's? Lots of sugar in there, you know how much that would affect me. I'd be bouncing off the walls. No sleep. Just nothing but happy Obi. Happy...Obi...yup...that's me. Um...Master?
Qui: Yes, Padawan?
Obi: Are you okay?
Qui: Just fine. Something you need?
Obi: Uh, no. I'll just have a pie and a bowl of Jedi Crunch with Poof Berries for dinner.
Qui: That's fine, Obi-Wan.
Obi: All that sugar in one helping. You sure you're okay with that?
Qui: Whatever you wish.
Obi: Okay. Thanks. I think I will have ALL THAT sugar for dinner. Watch me bounce...off...the...walls. Hmmmm. Master?
Qui: Yes, Obi-Wan?
Obi: Sugar? Bounce? Me?
Qui: Sure.
Obi: This is no fun. I'm gonna go study. If you guys are gonna cuddle, keep your clothes on. None of that naked stuff from earlier. Okay?
Qui: Whatever you say, Padawan.
Obi: Yeah, okay. Um...goodnight.
Qui: Goodnight.
(Retreating to his bedroom, he slammed the door behind him. Qui-Gon turned to Bren.)
Qui: I can't believe it. It worked. And I didn't even have to use duct tape. Listen, you hear that?
Bren: Hear what?
Qui: Exactly. Nothing. Just...silence. What will I ever do with myself?
Bren: Well, before you get all happy, keep in mind, this probably won't last long. The kid is a lot of things, but dumb is not one of them. Won't take him long to figure out what you are doing. So, enjoy it while it lasts.
Qui: Must you always be so honest and to the point?
Bren: Yes.
Qui: You owe me a towel.
Obi: MASTER!!! (the boy yelled from his bedroom)
Bren: I told you. The silence is broken.
Qui: What do you want, Obi-Wan?
Obi: Are you gonna do that naked towel cuddle thing again?
Qui: No. I thought you were studying.
Obi: I am, but I can't concentrate if you two are gonna do disgusting things out there. Keep it clean, okay?
Bren: He's got a way with words.
Qui: OBI-WAN?
Obi: Yes, Master?
Qui: When you are older, and doing your naked cuddle thing, you remember this conversation.
Obi: And you remember the naked in the hallway thing.
Qui: You have no proof of that.
Obi: Yes I do.
(Qui-Gon shot up from the couch, and stomped into his padawan's room.)
Qui: WHAT? You do not.
Obi: Okay, well I, myself don't. But I know who does.
Qui: WHO? TELL ME!
Obi: Master Bren.
Bren: OBI! You were supposed to keep that quiet.
Obi: Sorry, flying lips.
Qui: WHAT DID YOU DO BREN?
Bren: Well, I uh...was testing out my new miniature image recorder. I was gonna use it on our next vacation. And well, I had it when you were in the hall doing your naked towel dance. I...uh...snapped a few holo's.
Qui: WHAT!!!!
Bren: No one will see them Qui. I swear to you. I just want to keep them for my own enjoyment. And to have something to hold over your head the next time you go around telling everyone that you LET me win in sparring. And this is my revenge for that whole Tahl-Revenge episode. And other things as that pop up.
Qui: I can't believe this. I would expect that from HIM (he looks at Obi-Wan), but never from you.
Bren: But they came out great. Let me show you.
(She pulled out a tiny image recorder from her robe, and plugged it into Obi-Wan's larger recorder to get a better preview image.)
Obi: Hahahahaahahahah! Hahahhahahaah! And you call me pale? Hahahahahah!
Qui: Obi-Wan, don't look at those. Bren, turn it off.
Bren: But look, this is when you were scooting across the floor on your butt.
Obi: Hahahhaahhahah! Nooooooooooooo! Bad Image! Hahhaahahahah! This is killing meeeee!
Qui: ENOUGH! Okay, what do I have to do to keep you from using these against me?
Bren: This is evidence, Qui. You behave, and I will never show these to anyone else.
(Qui-Gon stared at his apprentice once more.)
Obi: Dooooooon't look at me. I had nothing to do with this. Unfortunately.
Qui: Your hands are never clean of anything. I put nothing past you. But...okay. I will behave Bren. Just please don't show those. I have to maintain a certain level of respect within the Order. That's hard enough to do with motor mouth here as my padawan. Have pity on me. Please?
Bren: Awww, you're so cute when you're pouting. Okay. I'll trade you. Me and you, ALONE, tomorrow evening for a special romantic dinner. NO APPRENTICE!
Obi: But...
Bren: NO!
Obi: Okay.
Qui: You got it. I remember how to be romantic. I think.
Obi: Gah! More adult mush crap. You can keep that. I'll hang out with Brazo.
Qui: Good. It's a date. Now, off to bed with you, Obi-Wan.
Bren: Yes, Obi. Your master still has to try and get his towel back from me. Catch me if you can, Qui-Poo!
Obi: Oh Force, you two are disgusting. Good night.
Bren: Good, the kid's in bed, and I have your towel. Meet you on the couch, Sweet Knees!
Obi: STOP IT! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! Lalalalalala...I can't hear you.
Qui: I think you're on to something. Adult mush keeps him quiet. Hmmm.
Bren: We got him right where we want him, Stretch. Is it any wonder why I love this family. My Stud Muffin and his mouthy shadow. And THE towel! My life is complete. How's about a little couch mush, Qui-Poo?
Obi: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Don't want to hear this.
Qui: Couch mush huh? Don't mind if I do. You still owe me a towel though.
Bren: I've got your towel, Mr. Jedi Stuuuud.
Qui: Should I wear my kilt?
Obi: STOP IT! GET OUT OF MY ROOM! OUT! OUT! OUT! Geez. Remind me NEVER to become an adult...and to never own a towel. This is the part of my master's life that I REALLY don't want to know about.
END