What NOT to do in Band

I will not pretend to cry when my band director does not have enough copies.

I will not kick the person sitting next to me if he touches my case.

I will not hide candy in my instrument and eat it in class.

I will not hide tubas.

I will not write anonymously to my band director about his hair style.

I will not steal things from my band director and hide them.

I will not tell people that our substitute teacher reads Jesus books.

I will not make Chewbacca noises when the sub walks by.

I will not play random notes when I don't know where we are.

I will not hide people's things in my instrument.

I will not hit the people in front of me in the head with a music stand.

I will not laugh hysterically at the way my band director says "pianissimo."

I will not tell people GP means giant penis.

I will not lock people in band lockers and take pictures of them.

I will not talk to the video camera during auditions.

I will not ask the video camera how my friends did on their auditions.

I will not read instructions out loud during auditions.

I will not move the chair so the video camera cannot see me during auditions.

I will not put scary pictures of my band director on Facebook.

I will not tell a French horn player that they sound like a dying manatee.

I will not anonymously write to my band teacher about the greasiness of his hair.

I will not make nicknames for my band director and shout them during class.

I will not stand up and salute people while my band director is talking.

I will not ask where my band teacher lives.

I will not ask my band teacher if he and his roommate have samurai fights with their batons during their free time.

I will not confuse my band director on purpose.

I will not threaten to kill the person next to me.

I will not randomly leave class more than once.

I will not steal peoples' mouthpieces and refuse to give them back until they hit me.

I will not ask my band director how his dog is doing every day.

I will not ask my band director if his cat is dead yet.

I will not have a newfound respect for my band director whenever he gets a haircut.

I will not tell my band director that I like his pink shirt and proceed to stare at it until he tells me to go away.

I will not steal my band director's things at band camp and throw them.

I will not wink at my band director during band camp solely because he did not know my name at the time.

I will not take apart other peoples' instruments.

I will not ask the student band teacher how his girlfriend is at the top of my lungs during a free throw at basketball games.

I will not throw candy at the rest of the band during basketball games.

I will not hide candy wrappers on other peoples' bodies.

I will not hide candy wrappers inside other peoples' instruments.

I will not talk about naked time around drum majors.

I will not talk about naked time.

I will not ask which teachers my band director hates.

I will not get students to stare at my band director while his girlfriend/boyfriend/bothfriend is present.

I will not get students to stare at my band director.

I will not tell my band director that he just got burned.

I will not take pictures of my band director sleeping.

I will not have other students tell my band director that I would like to light him on fire.

I will not continue to ask my band director where he lives.

I will not trick-or-treat at my band director's house.

I will not frequently bring friends to visit my band director at his house.

I will not tell my band director that his shirt makes him look like a French poet.

I will not scream "NO!" during class.

I will not threaten my band director not to drive his car home.

I will not play Frisbee with my hat in the band room.

I will not compare my band director's shirt to graph paper.

I will not object profusely when my band director turns out the lights for a certain song.

I will not ask my band director for candy.

I will not scoot as far away as possible from the person next to me in class.

I will not make a barrier between the person next to me and myself with music stands.

I will not bow to my friends when my band director says the word "master."

I will not scream "dance party" in French during class.

I will tell people that my band director thinks he's a wizard.

I will not scream Harry Potter spells when my band director points his baton at me for a cue.

I will not attempt to hold a staring contest with my band director during a song.

I will not call my band director "Big Daddy."

I will not get my entire family to corner my band director after a concert and do a strange hand gesture at him.

I will not get my family to scream things before we play a song at a concert.

I will not give out my band director's phone number.

I will not call my band director by his first name.