The musings of Rodney Mckay
Why did the stupid Wraith have to go and blow up Atlantis huh? Also, why did those stupid whatever-there-name-weres have to go and decide to not let us borrow their ZedPM for a few hours. Would it've killed them not to have flashy lights, hell, they could've come and seen ours whilst we fought back, which we did, we gave all we had, and it still wasn't enough – we had 'acquired' some drones, but they weren't enough.
Over the years we lost good people out in the field, but on that day, incidentally, the 4th July, we lost a lot more. Several of which I personally thought were invaluable, many people would never expect me to say something like that, but I've been changed- not greatly, but changed.
Carson probably thinks there's something wrong with me, as I don't think I've said much since we got back to Earth. Thinking about it now, I said only the necessity at the briefing, a few words at the memorial and barely anything else. I even haven't yelled at my minions without Radek there to stop me going too far. Carson told me off for not complaining about things, and whenever I see her, Jeannie just looks at me weirdly.
I just don't want to believe that Atlantis, with all her wonders, is really gone and she's taken him as well. Not only that, but he wouldn't let me stay and help him, he insisted that I go through the gate first so I could be safe. For that, I'll never forgive him. Stupid Sheppard and his death wish.
I wouldn't let anyone else tell his brother, but it was very hard not to tell him everything – only saying that he died saving my and over 200 lives.
John Sheppard died as a hero. My hero.