Something I dabbled around with. Reading back over it, Hspar's new story probably inspired this one, and I didn't realize how similar it was until I finished... heh, so credit goes to him, I guess.
This also is exactly like a certain part of "Lover's Respite", but I just really wanted to develop a deeper story about this.
(btw notice how the "In-Progress" message above?) :D
Enjoy:
Can you really blame me? In the final moment, a spark or some flame ignited and I reacted upon impulse or perhaps curiosity. Or maybe some deep desire that yearned for one glimpse of passion, of love.
Whatever you call it, I can't say it was out of me loving him, or even the infinitesimally small chance that it'd trigger something within him, which it did.
That is, however, beside the point. Truly in that moment I thought I was dead and maybe it was just me being the kind-hearted person that I am, but when Blu basically confessed to me, I kissed him.
Never would I have thought that it would bring forth my own salvation, or even satiate me, but it did ironically.
This goes without saying that I am eternally grateful to him, because I am. The sad part is as much as he loves me, and I know he does, we can never work together as a couple.
Tragically we are incompatible, call it what you will, I just don't love him. I really like his company, and I really like being around him… but the aspect of becoming lovers is beyond that.
My emotions for Blu are wholly platonic.
It's been a week since that life-threatening event and a week since Blu gained the ability to fly, and I swear he hasn't left my side for more than three hours to practice his flight skills. I really don't want to hurt him, and I haven't told him that I actually loved him, but this relationship just can't work.
I can't be weighed down by some goofy socially awkward love bird, and I don't name those characteristics in a negative light. On the contrary that's why I like most about him; His silly personality.
Yet it's just likeable, not loveable. Plus a cold-hearted bird like me could never deserve someone like him, for I'm a terrible person for even thinking about leaving him, let alone commit to it.
The only thing I truly desire in life is freedom, and that's something I can't even hope to achieve with a lover tying me down. I've got too much I want to do, and the simple act of living without a care in the world is something I treasure too much.
It's not just the fact that I want to be free, because that's a pretty hollow excuse. For I do know, that love is freedom in itself, and on top of that, if we ever did become a couple, we'd live free in the wild.
Oh no, I understand all that. It still won't work, however.
The most important part is the 'care' part. I don't want the hassle and responsibility of having children to watch over and feed, a mate to protect, and a stationary lifestyle. That's something I'd never want, because it would hamper me from just picking up and leaving and soaring in the sky and doing anything and everything that I want to do.
I do see the appeal, of having kids, however. It's just not me, it's now something I could ever be happy or satisfied with. I could never settle for that, because once I have kids, the focus is no longer on me.
My life ends. My meaning and existence become based around them, and I live a selfless life.
Call me selfish, but that's something I can't quite deal with. Not now and not in the foreseeable future. This past week has given me a lot to think about, and I've gone through all the possibilities in my head multiple times. There's no doubt in my mind that this is the only way it can be for me.
I'm still scared of making a mistake, though. I don't want to walk away from Blu, but I can't have him a part of my life. I do have feelings for him, but as a friend, and for that I deem myself a monster for giving him a taste of love. Even if it did save us both, it condemned him to forever desire and thirst for love.
The saddest part of it all is he thinks I love him back, but I don't have the heart to tell him. I don't even have the heart to tell him that I'm going to leave, and I would probably die on the spot if I ever faced him after tonight, because of the mere fact that I betrayed his feelings.
And that's never an easy thing to do to someone who had just saved your life.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I watched him sleep. He's so peaceful, you're a monster, Jewel.
A part of me filled with remorse as I turned away, but there was nothing to do or be said. This had to be done, and there was no other way. I could just simply not live the rest of my life with him.
Slowly, I crept out of the artificial hollow the humans placed us in. The red lights of the cameras that littered various corners of the fake jungle looked down at me condescendingly, contempt with the fact that I was committing a crime of love. It mattered not if the humans knew, for I cared not about them. It only shattered my heart to think of Blu's reaction, when he found me gone.
No matter how many times I tell myself this is the only way, I still feel at unease. I guess I'll never cleanse the guilt of this atrocious act, but it's something I couldn't help.
My escape was ironically the easy part. Each night for the past week I spent a couple of hours methodically bending the bars, little by little. Fortunately, the day my wing heals, I managed to create a gap wide enough to slip through, but just barely.
With much effort, I pushed down on the vent and wiggled through, losing a few feathers here and there. It took me a full two minutes but once I was on the other side, my victory was assured.
Taking a deep sigh of relief, I turned to walk down the ventilation shaft, but the worst possible thing that could only ever happen in my worst night mares came true.
"Jewel?" I heard a faint voice call out followed by a couple of flaps. Blu had awakened and he managed to fly his way up to the vent, landing on one of the bent bars.
"Jewel, what are you doing?" he asked curiously without a hint of suspicion. I just froze, and turned away guiltily.
"Why are you in there, Jewel?" He asked eyeing the contorted metal bars. The silence that ensued was probably deafening, yet I couldn't force any words out of my beak or formulate any excuses in my head. I could only stare at him with a hurt expression, one that screams 'I'm sorry' and hints at the fact that you did something wrong.
I didn't want it to be this way, I honestly didn't, but there was no turning back.
"Jewel? Wh- where are you going?" Blu asked, this time with building anxiety.
I just turned my back on him, my eyes started filling up with tears. I started shaking slightly and the only thing I could keep telling myself was:
Damn it Jewel, you're a terrible person. You're a terrible person… Why? Why? Why?
I keep bashing myself over and over in my head and it became too much to handle, I gave one last glancing look towards Blu and flew off down the shaft.
"Jewel!" Blu called after me, "Jewel!" he screamed.
I heard rustling and struggling against metal, and figured he was trying to slip through after me, yet I knew he couldn't. He was just slightly bigger than me, and it prevented him from even having a chance to get through.
When I managed to break free to the outside I immediately stopped myself and cried.
I cried unlike how I've ever cried before, and it felt like my heart died. I was a terrible bird, a truly terrible bird that didn't deserve the love of anyone ever again. The emotional pain became so intense that I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to pluck out a few feathers to cope.
Quickly I clamped down on a few chest feathers and yanked them out with all my strength. It stung pretty intensely, but it wasn't enough to calm my nerves. I needed something bigger. Regretfully, I reached down to a primary feather on my left-wing, Yanking at it with all of my might.
The feather, however, didn't budge at first and the explosive pain that erupted into me put a halt to my self-mutilation. The pain numbed my mind and I fell over for a second, writing in the unbearable pain.
Well, I thought finally when the pain died down enough for me to process my thoughts, I have to leave the city…
There was absolutely no way I was going to stay in Rio. The city would be a constant reminder of my murder and if I ever ran into him again, I'd die on the spot.
I say murder, because I basically killed Blu with my betrayal. He'd never look at me the same way again. He'd never want to be with me. I destroyed his heart, and I didn't even deserve to be alive, let alone fulfill my dream of life-long freedom.
Needless to say, I cried the whole way into the jungle. Descending deeper and deeper into the darkness where I belonged.
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