My sister said that in 8.19 The Fortress Barney has a nipple piercing. I said that was ridiculous but she looked it up, and lo and behold he does. I still thought it was a bit weird for him, so I wrote this.
Set between 8.17 The Ashtrayand 8.19 The Fortress, with some reference to Murtagh and Disaster Averted.
A couple of days after The Captain calls, she comes home to find him admiring his chest in the bathroom mirror, his shirt folded neatly beside the sink.
"You're not jacking off to your reflection again, are you?"
"What?-" he wheels round, "No. Okay, I perhaps I will in a minute, but actually at the moment I was looking because- well, I'm thinking of getting a pierced nipple,"
She gapes at him for a moment, then bursts out laughing.
"No, I'm serious," he protests, offended.
"Pfft! Are you kidding? You?"
"Yeah, me. What's that supposed to mean?"
"Wait, you're really serious?" she clarifies, taking a few breaths to steady herself.
"Yes. Don't you think it's a good idea?"
"I thought you had a classic clean-cut look that never goes out of style?"
"I guess, but-"
"Won't it rip your shirts or something?"
"Of course not. Stop laughing- a nipple piercing is cool, Scherbatsky,"
"If you say so,"
"So you're okay with it, right? I'm sure it won't, like, cut your boob during sex or something. Or your back. Or your-"
"Thanks for your consideration. Might be weird though, when I'm, you know, sucking you,"
"It's my nipple, not my cock,"
"I suppose you've got another one though. Nipple, not cock. This is getting weird,"
"Totally,"
"Can I ask why exactly you want this?"
He leans on the sink. "It's super hot. It's like someone kind of touching you there all day; total turn-on. Plus, it's cool. Steve Vai's got one,"
"Who?"
"Steve Va- oh my God, you don't know who that is? Why am I marrying you?"
"Thanks,"
"Anyway, I've always sort of wanted one, but I was- well, I thought that I could be getting undressed with a girl and she'd see it and not like it and she wouldn't sleep with me. But I've got you now, so it's not a deal-breaker,"
"Go ahead if you want. I don't care,"
"Awesome," he says, pecking her cheek, "Hmm, now you're here I won't have to bother jacking off to my reflection,"
"Freak," she teases as she runs her hands across his bare shoulders.
"Are you kidding? You used to watch yourself on TV, remember?"
"Mmm, true,"
"Yeah, but there's no need for that now with me, right?" he beams, as she moves her hand down to stroke her fingers across his abs.
"I don't know. We could still try it,"
"So a threesome with yourself is acceptable?"
"Well, yeah. It'd be pretty cool with your giant TV,"
Barney rubs his chin thoughtfully. "I'm in,"
"Well, I've got it done," he announces proudly, pulling up a chair at the booth a week after Ted and Jeanette's break-up
"Ooh, let's see," clamours Lily, leaning across Marshall. Beaming smugly, Barney flicks his tie out of the way and undoes the middle buttons of his shirt to reveal a tiny silver bar through his right nipple.
Ted winces. "Did it hurt?"
"Probably not as much as your tramp stamp removal,"
"Can I touch it?" asks Lily.
"It's pretty sensitive at the mo- aah!" he squeals as Robin and Lily instantly reach for the piercing bar and start flicking it, "Ow! Stop it!"
He elbows them away and buttons his shirt back up.
"It doesn't seem very you," notes Ted, adjusting Marvin's position on his knee.
"Right," Robin agrees, "That's what I said,"
"What's next- a motorbike?" teases Marshall.
"It's not weird. I've wanted one for years," Barney shrugs.
"What if it goes green like your ear did that time!?" suggests Marshall excitedly.
"Nah, it won't. I got it done properly,"
"Let me see again," says Robin.
"Okay, but be gentle. It hurts,"
"I was being gentle!"
"You weren't, you were flicking it way too hard!"
"Woah, save that argument for the bedroom," Marshall chips in.
Barney reluctantly unbuttons his shirt again, and Robin rubs her thumb lightly across his piercing (admittedly, stroking her fiancé's bare chest in a busy bar is odd), "Hmm, I don't know... I don't love it,"
"Lucky it's my nipple not yours then," he retorts.
"Is it there forever?" asks Ted.
"I have to leave it in for six weeks so the hole doesn't close up, then I can take it out or get a different stud,"
"You're loving all this attention, aren't you?" says Lily, rolling her eyes.
"Hey, you could get one too," Barney suggests to her, "Now Marvin's on solid food it won't screw up feeding him,"
"Oh my God, imagine breast-feeding with a pierced nipple," laughs Robin, "The milk would just go everywhere,"
They all fall about giggling, except for Lily.
"You guys wouldn't laugh if you knew what it was like to have a screaming hungry monster slobbering and sucking the life out of you. It isn't as cute as it looks in baby books,"
"Sorry, dude," Ted whispers to Marvin.
"You know about my hidden cameras at your place- you think I haven't watched?" asks Barney.
"Seriously, you have to tell us where those cameras are," says Marshall.
"Yeah, and at your place, too," adds Robin.
"And mine," chips in Ted.
"And in here as well," says Lily.
Barney just winks, taps the side of his nose and says, "Mermaid Theory, remember, Lil?"
She tips her head in a Yeah, true way. Barney buttons his shirt up for a second time, and arranges his tie back into place.
"Anyway, how's work with the Captain?"
"Busy," she replies, "Way harder than lesson planning for kindergarteners,"
"You're telling me!" says Barney, "We've hardly seen you in here the last fortnight!"
Without looking, he and Marshall share a celebratory using-cool-British-words fist-bump.
"We all need our Mom back," says Ted- and everyone knows that he isn't only talking about Marvin. There's a moment of morose silence, before Robin launches into, "Hey, speaking of that time Barney's ear turned green- remember that time Barney's ear turned green?"
"That was awesome," says Marshall.
"It was not! You guys never consider the mental torture of hearing your ear. Hearing the organ that you hear with. That kind of paradox could tear a hole in the universe!"
Predictably, this leads into a lengthy discussion of Barney's top ten injuries, Ted's top ten injuries, and general disasters, accidents and infectch-es which have befallen the gang over the years.
Barney leaves that night feeling rather panicked- given his track record which they've spent all evening discussing, there are about a hundred and one ways in which this new piercing could be a threat to his health and safety.
He renews his medical insurance and checks his apartment for bears.
Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed. Please review to let me know what you thought!
Chapter 2 (again related to 8.19, but unrelated to this chapter) will be up soon. Thanks again, have a brilliant day.