Haleb One-Shot
Songfic; Say Something
Alternate Ending to 4x14
Mentions of bulimia; Dont read if it can trigger something.
•••
Say something I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one if you want me to.
"I have to go." He says as we walk into my kitchen through the back door. But he can't go. He can't leave me. He can't possibly leave me, can he?
"No, you don't." I whine in what turns out to be a very child-like voice.
"It's time." He says in a mysterious way. If he leaves, if he walks out that door, he'll be gone. Forever.
"No, it's not, your watch is broken." I joke, even though this matter is dead serious. I look him straight in the eye and he maintains eye contact for just a moment before looking down.
"It's late." He moves to get his bag, but I quickly grab it before he could get to it, forcing him to turn his attention to me.
Anywhere I would've followed you.
"Well then take me with you." I don't care about my life anymore, all I need is Caleb. Caleb makes me happy. And if he's leaving, so am I.
He looks away from me sadly. "I can't."
"Then I'll follow you." I say and his head turns towards me sharply.
"Don't." He says forcefully. He tries to grab the bag out of my hands, but I pull it back. We keep fighting over it for a few moments before he finally gets it out of my hands in a harsh movement.
I look over at him with hurt practically written all over my eyes. Caleb has never been so forceful towards me. He was always the gentlest, sweetest person I knew, even though he would die before admitting it. I miss that Caleb. What has Ravenswood done to him?
The guilty look on his face throws me off-guard and I close my eyes for a second to think. I take a deep breath before opening them again to ask the question I've been dreading. "Is this about Miranda?" I ask, trying to keep the anger in my voice from seeping through.
Say something I'm giving up on you.
"It's not like that." He says and my anger only grows.
"Like what?" I ask in a disgusted tone.
"Like what you're thinking." He says.
"What am I thinking?" I ask, even though we both know perfectly well what I'm thinking: Caleb cheated on me with Miranda. "I mean, is this about the girl I told you to look after?"
He shakes his head, turning it away slightly to speak. "She needs me." I look away, shaking my head. I am such an idiot. I gave her to him. I asked him to help her. God, how could I have been so stupid? "But it's not like that sounds."
"Okay, you say that, but what am I supposed to think?" I ask, not bothering to hide my frustration. Seriously, if he's going to want me to think he's not cheating on me, he should at least be smart enough to have a lie for it.
"I-I-I can't tell you what to think." He says and I can practically feel my world crumbling down. I thought Caleb was different. "I don't even know what I'm thinking. All I know is that I have to go and you have to stay." I shake my head in sad disbelief. He's actually leaving me. "It's best for the both of us." He starts to walk towards the front door and I take a deep breath before catching up to him. As he opens the door, I slam it closed.
"Hanna." He says. "Please, don't do this." I can tell he's on the verge of tears... But why? I'm the one who should be in tears, which I'm barely managing to hide. He's acting more than strange.
"Do what? What am I doing? I'm standing in front of my own door in my own house." I exclaim, stating the obvious.
"I'm sorry, I have to go."
"Why am I supposed to make this so easy for you?"
"This is not easy." He states before opening the door once again, which I am quick to close.
"God, I-I gave her to you." I shake my head in shame. "I'm so stupid."
"You are not stupid." He says. "That is not what happened."
"Well then what happened? Tell me what happened!" I exclaim angrily.
"I can't." He says sharply, even though there's guilt in his voice. He opens the door and walks out, and this time, I let him. I slam the door shut behind him and lean against it.
And I, am feeling so small.
It was over my head,
I know nothing at all.
She's prettier than me.
She's smarter than me.
She's skinnier than me.
Skinnier.
Skinnier.
Skinnier.
Before I know it there are two fingers down my throat and I'm throwing up on the floor. Good thing my mom's not home. Maybe if I keep this up, I can be skinny again. Maybe that's why he left me. Am I getting fat again? Was I ever really skinny? Maybe if I become skinny, Caleb will come back.
Who am I kidding? Caleb kept me sane. He kept me together. When I was falling apart, Caleb made sure I was fine. Putting two fingers in my mouth again, I add to the yellow liquid on the no-longer-spotless floor.
Suddenly, there's a knock on my door. I know I shouldn't ignore it, since it could be important, but I can't let anybody inside right now, not with the fact that I just made myself throw up on the floor.
I get up to open the door and, without looking who it is, slide out to speak to them outside. I'm surprised to see Caleb standing in front of me. Did he change his mind?
Caleb's POV:
"You... You can't come in." She tells me. What? Why?
"Why?" I ask, genuinely confused. She avoids eye contact, so I pull her chin up to look at me. I watch her lean into my hand for a moment, before sharply pulling away.
"Don't touch me. Go touch Miranda." She exclaims, but something's different. About her voice, her breath. It smells weird... like vomit.
"Han..."
"Don't call me that."
"Hanna."
"What?" She demands angrily, and by now I'm positive that her breath smells like vomit. She went back to her old ways. And it was my fault. I made her feel like this. God, what was I even thinking leaving her? What was I even thinking staying in Ravenswood with Miranda? Miranda is a total stranger. Hanna is practically the reason I am who I am today. She made me call my mom. She made me give my dad a chance. She helped me figure out who I am, and stop being that troubled, dark person I was before I met her. And how did I repay her? I nearly left her. God, I should win the Worst Boyfriend Award.
And I, will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love,
Just starting to crawl.
"I-I'm sorry." I whisper, looking deep into her eyes.
I watch as her expression softens just for a moment before it becomes just as emotionless.
"Well, it's too late for that." She says, before walking back into the house and attempting to close the door, which I quickly open just enough so that I could slide inside with her.
And as soon as I do, I feel like I'm going to lose consciousness. On the floor, just near the area where I left her standing alone only moments before, lays a less than healthy amount of vomit. This is my fault. I made her feel like this.
"Han..." I start.
"Didn't I tell you not to call me that?" She snaps, not bothering to turn around and look at me. Instead, she stays glued to the spot like a statue.
"I-I don't know what I was thinking." I admit, staring at the back of her head since she has yet to turn around.
"You were thinking that you should go see Miranda, the girl who needs you." She says and I stop, taking it all in. I swore to myself that I'd never be the reason for Hanna's pain. I swore to myself I'd protect her forever. I swore to myself I'd never leave her. And here I was, about to be the reason for endless pain. About to break my promise of protecting her. About to leave her. What was I thinking?
"I-It's not like that." I say honestly. I'm not cheating on Hanna, even though it seems that way.
"Look, Caleb, you're wasting my time here. I can't take any more of your 'it's complicated' or 'it's not like that'. Either tell me what it's like or shut the hell up and get out." She says, and I'm taken aback. Never has Hanna spoken to me like this before. But I don't blame her. I even hate myself right now. How could I not? I was so stupid.
As soon as my brain processes the words she said, I realize something I should have realized a long time ago. Hanna is right.
Sure, I thought I was protecting her by keeping this from her, but I wasn't. This is exactly like when Hanna kept -A from me. Secrets were never any good between us. They tear us apart.
"Y-you're right." I whisper, and watch as she turns around, a look of surprise crossing her face. She raises her eyebrows at me, urging me to continue.
"Can we... Can we sit down?" I ask. This is a lot to take in, and I don't want Hanna to faint or anything, especially after what she just did.
She looks at me confusedly before nodding and walking to her living room, knowing I'll follow her, as always.
•••
"Wait, so Miranda's dead?" She asks, and I nod slowly. After explaining every single detail to Hanna, I don't know how I feel. Relieved, that I don't have to keep any more secrets from her. But I also realize now how crazy everything is. Ghosts. Spirits. Curses. Hanna breaks me out of my thought. "But she's not gone?" I nod once again.
I watch her face intently, trying to figure out her facial expression. But for the first time ever, I just can't read her.
I feel like she's purposely dragging this moment on, to scare me. To hurt me like I hurt her.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Finally, she speaks.
"So why couldn't you tell me this?" She asks, her voice still emotionless. I know this voice. It's the voice she uses when she's really thinking, 'you broke my trust so I'm putting up a border'.
"I-I thought I was protecting you. I was protecting you. Hanna, this stuff is dangerous." I say, trying to get her to see my reason.
"And you think having a stalker threaten you, run you over with a car, kidnap your shrink, ruin your life and nearly kill you multiple times is safe?" She asks. I see where she's coming from, but I still... I still thought I was keeping her safe at the time. But I didn't consider the fact that a person's worst enemy is themselves. "My life is at risk either way, Caleb. My life has never been safe."
"I just... you had so much on your plate and I... I didn't want to make things worse for you." I admit. "I wasn't thinking straight. I'm sorry."
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
I feel terrible. I don't know what I was thinking, or if I was even thinking at the time. I probably wasn't. I made things a billion times worse for Hanna, and I'll probably feel guilty for the rest of my life.
Once again, silence. I'd like it much more if she yelled at me. But instead she torments me in the worst way possible.
Thoughts. She leaves me alone with them. Questions. Will she forgive me? Is what I did, nearly leaving her, convincing her I loved another, unforgivable? Does she still love me after the harsh ways I've been towards her?
Everything I did, I thought I was protecting her. But I wasn't. I was hurting her in a way worse than the danger I'd be putting her in if I had continued to be with her.
Silence. It's a person's worst enemy. It leaves you to all of the unanswered questions, awaiting possibilities and frightening imaginations. A person's mind puts them in the scariest situation a human could be in. A situation of the unknown.
But these frightening and tormenting things are all worth it when it comes to Hanna. I love her.
If only she would forgive me. I'd do anything for her, and now that I've come to my senses, I can see clearly. I just need her to forgive me.
Anywhere I would've followed you.
After what feels like centuries of Hanna staring at some spot in the distance, she finally meets my eyes and I notice that her eyes aren't her usual joy-filled ones.
"You wanted to leave me." She says and I feel my guilt increase by a hundred times. "You made me believe you loved another girl. If you'd have left, I don't... I don't think I would've made it."
If I was guilty before, I despise myself now. She would've taken her life. What the hell did I almost do?
And yet, through all my guilt I can't help but wonder where she's going with this. Is she saying she can't live without me, or is she saying that she's leaving me for what I put her through?
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
"And I'm not sure if I can forgive you for that." Her voice is hollow, empty. She slowly stands up and starts to walk towards her front door and I feel like everything's in slow motion but at the same time everything's happening way too quickly. What is happening? Is she leaving me? I certainly deserve it. But I can't handle it. I can't live without her. She's my everything.
Before I process what's happening, I'm chasing her towards her front door, just like she chased me only an hour ago. I just hope I'm able to convince her to stay with me.
And I, will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love,
And I'm saying good-bye.
"Please." I beg. "Let me just talk to you for a minute. There's something I need to tell you. And then... if you don't want to stay with me... I won't force you."
She stops in her tracks and slowly turns to face me. I see a sincere look in her eyes for a mere second before it vanishes, covered by her border. She looks at me expectantly. It's more like she's looking right through me, though. As if I'm a ghost.
"You already know this, but I've never been any good at talking about my feelings." I admit, thinking back to the first time I messed up with Hanna. It was back when we had only just started seeing each other, with the whole Jenna thing. "I've never... I've never had someone like you. I've never had someone I know will always be there for me, through thick and thin. You made that difference. I didn't believe in love before I met you. Before I met you, I thought that when people said 'you're my everything' or 'you're my world' it was simply a statement. A very cheesy statement. But when I met you, I realized how true that could be. I can't live without you, Hanna. And every morning I wake up, scared to death that you will realize how much better you could do and leave me." I pause, taking a deep breath, remembering all the sleepless nights I spent questioning why Hanna chose me when she could do a million times better, before continuing. "I lied to you. I kept a secret from you. I know it was wrong. But I wanted to protect you. I thought that if you didn't know about all these things, you'd be safe from them. I was beyond stupid. I know that. But I... I love you Hanna. And nothing will ever change that. If... if I don't make you happy anymore, go. I only wanted for you to be happy. I love you. Always remember that."
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Silence. If this is her way of punishing me, it's certainly working. I don't know what to think. I just put down any border, put away any pride I had, and confessed my, not only want but need for Hanna. She literally is my life. And I literally just told her that.
There are two options. She'll see me as a fool and hold the door open as I leave, or she'll take me back. I pray for the later.
Which one she'll choose, though, remains a mystery to me.
"Say something." I whisper hoarsely, finally forcing my eyes to meet her hollow ones.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
I'm overwhelmed with guilt when I realize I'm the reason for her hollow eyes. Her expression remains closed, unreadable. The only way I could think of to describe it is hollow. Empty.
"I'm sorry." I admit once again. But I'll admit it a thousand times. I need Hanna to hear me out. I need her to take me back. I realize now I can't live without her. "I really am."
I truly mean it. If there's anything I could take back, it would be staying in Ravenswood that night. Miranda could handle herself. Or I could have convinced her to come to Rosewood. It doesn't matter. She's a stranger. Hanna isn't.
And anywhere I would've followed you.
I wonder what I need to do to prove myself to Hanna. She needs to understand how much I love her.
"Han...na" I add, remembering her request to not call her by her nickname.
"You can call me 'Han'." She says and I feel a wave of relief wash over me. Even though it's just a nickname, it's progress...right? I nod shortly.
"Han, I need you to know that if there's anything I could do to make it up to you..." I trail off for a moment, lost in my own thought. "I'll do it. You know I will."
Say something I'm giving up on you.
Hanna just stares at me, the same hollow look in her eyes. I'm starting to lose hope, starting to give up.
How could I not? I just confessed everything to her and all I got was a 'you can call me Han'. What am I supposed to think?
I'm beyond worried. Why isn't she answering me? Is it a good sign... That she's considering my words and apology, or is it a bad sign?
I won't know until she replies, and until then, I guess I just need to let the torture of silence overcome me.
Say something...
After what feels like forever, Hanna looks at me. Not through me, but at me. After another moment, her expression turns soft. Loving. Sweet. Kind. That's my Hanna.
"I love you, too." She whispers sweetly. "Always have and always will."
I feel a huge wave of relief wash over me and before I know what I'm doing, I'm picking Hanna up and twirling her in the air.
"No more secrets?" I ask.
"No more secrets." She confirms, still in the air.
Putting her down, I pull her in for a much needed kiss. After a few moments, we lean our foreheads together.
"I'll never leave you if you never leave me." I say.
"It's a deal." She smiles widely.
"You're stuck with me forever." I add jokingly.
"Forever and always."
•••
So I made this in honor of Tyler being back to PLL/Rosewood in season 5. I hope you guys liked it :)
I love writing one shots so if you guys have anything Haleb or Spoby you want me to write, please PM me or leave me a review!
So R&R!
Xo :)