Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Earth

Rich Evans, formerly known as Space Cop, took another gulp of Pabst Blue Ribbon before setting it down heavily on the bar counter before him. Sitting on a barstool, Rich looked at his surroundings and saw that by now, there were only a few other people - all men - here and there who lounged in their seats at some tables. He sighed, disappointed that there were no women here yet again - and it wasn't even a gay bar, like the last time Rich made that mistake.

Of course, given his truly empty love life, Rich sometimes wondered whether or not on a subconscious level, he was so desperate for some fucking these days that he would take a dick in the ass. Alas, however, Rich was never drunk enough to find even the sexiest man he could find attractive enough to copulate with.

It had been three months since his best friend, Mike Stoklasa, returned him to this crappy hellhole of a reality; here, Rich was just regular old Richard William Thomas Evans III, and not the awesomeness that was once known as Space Cop; Space Cop, who traveled realities to stop bad guys from causing heinous shit, fucked more alien women than Captain Jim Kirk, and who wasn't loosed on a planet where no woman could possibly want him. And the ironic praise that fans of Red Letter Media gave him was just so damned empty.

How was he going to go on after all this?

After two hours of sitting on that bar stool, Rich flinched at the sound of a sudden explosion. He abruptly turned on the stool and found a red mist already dissipating a few meters away to reveal a naked red-skinned man - who seemed to lack a cock - with horns on his forehead. What few people remained in the bar looked at the figure in their drunken stupors, but otherwise, none of them reacted; not even Rich Evans.

"Richard William Thomas Evans the Third," the red man said in a loud declaration, "I am Satan! And I need your help!"

"How come you don't have a dick?" Rich asked as he looked at the Devil's dick-less crotch, completely oblivious to who he was talking to.

Satan's form sagged in annoyance as he stared at Rich in contempt. "If you wanna make any Dogma jokes, let 'em all out right now. This is serious business."

"Aside from you're just like a Ken doll, I got nothing, so forget it," Rich said with a nonchalant wave. "What do you want, Satan?"

Satan looked at Rich in perplexity. "Really? You're not at all impressed or terrified that you're talking to the very Prince of Darkness here? In fact, since you're obviously an atheist, I would think you'd at least be shocked that you were wrong about my non-existence!"

"Dude, I helped cause a Multiversal orgy, and I spotted God fucking his own son there," Rich said. "So I knew about your existence based on the existence of God alone, and nothing else surprises me anymore. Also, you still don't have a dick, so again, I'm not impressed."

Satan sighed. "Well, anyway, I need you to return as Space Cop."

"Okay," Rich said with an equally nonchalant shrug. "What for?"

"To stop a greater evil than- Wait, weren't you just all melancholy a moment ago about not being Space Cop?" Satan asked. "Wouldn't this opportunity inspire some greater feeling in you?"

"No," Rich stated simply. "Now go on, what was it you wanted me to do?"

Satan shook his head to get back on track. "I need you back as Space Cop to help stop a greater evil than myself from destroying all of reality," Satan answered.

"Miley Cyrus?" Rich asked.

"Not that bad! If she ever figured out how she can take over Hell with her twerking, she'll be unstoppable!

"No, the real danger lies with...

"The vampires from Twilight!"

Rich remained silent for a moment. "What?" he asked in incredulity.

"That is correct, Rich Evans," Satan said. "Something happened in the universe where the characters from Twilight exist; you know about Renesmee, Bella and Edward's daughter?"

"I've heard about it," Rich said. "I didn't actually bother to see the last Twilight movie because the first one sucked ass, but Twilight's one of those things that I know things about just by hearing it from other people. So I've heard about the daughter."

"Okay," Satan said. "Well, anyway, she disappeared some time ago, and now, Bella Swan has taken over her vampire clan. They work for her now, and they intend to destroy all of reality for Renesmee's loss, because they believe the child to be dead."

"What happened to the kid?" Rich asked, still in an uncaring attitude.

"I don't fucking know, you expect me to know everything?" Satan asked impatiently.

"Well, you are God's opposite in the balance between good and evil, so... yeah, I do kinda expect you to know everything," Rich said. "Actually, come to think of it, since you're the Devil, why don't you just stop these sparkly pricks from taking over reality, however the hell they're doing it."

"They're going to destroy reality, dumbass," Satan angrily corrected him.

"Hey, if you're not gonna be nice to me, I might just let these assholes take over reality," Rich said.

Satan's eyes were raised before he immediately calmed down with a loud exhale. "Alright, I'm sorry I called you a dumbass."

Rich nodded. "And you gotta tell me why neither you or God are able to stop the Twilight vampires from destroying all of reality."

Satan paused at the realization that Rich was catching on to the "vampires'" goal. "Well, there's some kind of unknown barrier around them that's preventing even the combined powers of God, myself, and both our armies of servants from penetrating it."

Rich sighed. "Of course there's gotta be a field like that. So I assume it's either advanced technology or some kind of mystic spell, right?"

"Well, since the Twilight universe isn't set in a futuristic world, and since it has a supernatural element to it, I'd think it's the latter," Satan reasoned.

"Don't rule out the possibility of some kind of interdimensional misanthropic mastermind of using the Twilight vampires to destroy all of reality," Rich said. "And he may have advanced tech."

"Possible," Satan agreed.

"Well, are there any witches in the Twilight universe?" Rich asked.

"Not in either the movies or the books," Satan answered.

"What about what's not in the movies or books?" Rich inquired.

Satan paused for a moment. "You know, maybe there are some witches. It would fit the world."

"Alright, so you need me to go, find out what's going on, and stop them, right?" Rich asked. "Got it. Just let me go back home and get my Space Cop uniform."

"Already done," Satan said. He snapped his fingers, and then the Space Cop uniform was once again on Rich Evans. The latter looked at himself for a moment. "So can we go now?"

"Yeah, sure," Space Cop said. And then they both disappeared in a red mist, leaving the near-empty bar completely and utterly silent.