Title: Sierra

Author: daytimedrama
Rating: K
Pairing: Danny/Lindsay
Content Warning: Angst
Summary: "I wanted that kiss, that kid, that apartment."

A/N: So this is my second fic based on a Cursive song, This one is based on "Sierra", and two of the lines are taken from the song. It's a really great song and every time I hear it I think it should be for an angsty Danny/Lindsay story. There might be a follow up floating around in my head we'll have to see. Thanks kcaitlin for looking this over.

The sun was finally beginning to go down, the stifling heat had faded through the afternoon

The sun was finally beginning to go down; the stifling heat had faded through the afternoon into the desert sand.

She was so beautiful, her brown curls bounced with every hop, her endearing laughter accentuated every skip. She had a very serious look of concentration. Her blue eyes narrowed, biting her tongue while concentrating on hopping on one foot, her hand grasping tightly to a piece of chalk. My heart panged, I wondered if she was always that serious about winning or if she was just good at everything she tried. I knew it was my own fault that I didn't know the answers to these questions.

I was an idiot and I still am. I fly almost across the country to sit in hot car only to watch her play hopscotch. It was my penance, and this is all I deserve. I might not even deserve this. Taking and watching these moments in secret, not even brave enough to knock on their door, to face the possibility of her rejection, or worse indifference, to my presence.

"Sierra!"

My heart clenched again. It had been a very long time since I heard that voice. Well that wasn't entirely true either. Sometimes at my worst I would call her number just to hear her answer and still I could never get up the courage to say anything. I would listen to her answer "Hello?" and wait for her frustration at another hang up. Each time I wanted to beg for forgiveness or plead for an opportunity to atone. Something always stopped me, always stopped me from saying the words that would bridge our worlds together again.

I chanced a look in the direction of her voice. I was afraid of what I might do. I was worried that I might want run over to her but instead I was paralyzed. I felt like my lungs couldn't expand and contract anymore. I wondered if I was having a heart attack or a stroke and vaguely thought I should probably start taking better care of myself. The last years included too many drinks and even more cigarettes.

She however still looked so amazing, her face lit with happiness watching Sierra. She looked so different from the last time I saw her, absent were the tear stains and red rimmed eyes as I walked out of her apartment. I still don't know why I did it, I was terrified. Terrified of screwing up, terrified of raising a child in the city, terrified that I might just finally be happy. After I left I would still walk by her apartment hoping to catch a glimpse of her in the window or even see a light that would tell me if she was reading in her bedroom or watching TV. I only learned from Stella that she was moving. And later learned from Stella her name and birth date. I couldn't look in any of their eyes anymore, couldn't take the look of permanent disappointment that now resided there.

She could never forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me either. Nothing could make up for 6 years of missed birthdays, or skirting around questions of where her father was.

"Sierra your dinner is ready!" her voice echoed across the playground again. "You still have to have your bath before bedtime."

I didn't deserve to know them, to know either of them. I left her in the lurch like a coward. I often wondered how she was able to do it on her own. Raise this beautiful little girl who skipped over to their apartment. She was greeted with a big hug and kiss.

I knew Lindsay still worked, even in New York we would hear about the cases solved by the Las Vegas crime lab. I would try and tell if it was her in the background of photos in the news articles. How long would her hair be now? Was that her in the CSI jacket? I wondered if she had a boyfriend or even a husband now. Someone who worked a regular nine to five job, someone who was there to tuck that sweet little girl into bed. Someone who wasn't haunted by the horrible crime scenes that they would have to pour over. A banker who didn't push his family away; a real estate agent who wouldn't reject his only chance for happiness.

My breath caught at these thoughts, it was a very slippery slope. I always hoped that they were happy, but I was never prepared for how much the idea of the little girl calling someone else Daddy really killed me. It was torture thinking about Lindsay holding another man's hand while they cheered the little girl on in baseball or in ballet. I wanted that.

I wondered if she knew about me. Had Lindsay said anything about me? I hated to think that she would think I didn't love her. That I didn't think about her constantly and wish I could turn back time. I wanted my daughter back now, I wanted to be the one to tuck her in and say goodnight. I wanted that kiss, that kid, that apartment.

We could have been so…never mind. But I didn't deserve that, I don't deserve them and she deserves better than me. They both do.