A/N: Written for the Title Prompt Challenge on HPFC.
All These Things
James looked down into his lap, unusually silent. It was the end of his sixth year, and he should have been with the rest of his friends celebrating, maybe pulling a few pranks. He was sitting near the lake, letting the wind blow his already messy hair into even more unusual angles. Sirius would have laughed at the scene. James Potter, contemplating his life, staring into the seemingly bottomless lake. It almost made James want to laugh.
He felt like a nervous ball of energy, like he would explode if he didn't do something soon. He was like this a lot. Anxious and ready for some type of release. When he was around his friends, it was the jokes and the pranks that he used. They were like a pill that worked half of the time, but also had nasty side effects. When it didn't work, the anxiety only got worse, building up in his chest until he felt like he couldn't breathe. Sometimes until he threw up. That's when he needed this sort of escape. He drew his knees to his chest and started rocking back and forth. He made incoherent noises that someone might mistake for mumbling. He wasn't saying anything out loud though. It was only in his mind that he could form words.
The words that told him he was an immature prat, that he was just coasting off his parents. That he would never amount to anything. One of his hands started scratch his leg without him noticing. He tried the breathing exercises. He had to think positively, or else he'd just make the anxiety worse. That's what his parents told him at least. So he tried. Maybe he hadn't been the best student, or the best person for that matter. He still had time left. He could still clean up his act. He thought about his friends, about all the fun they had.
He didn't have to give up the pranks, though. It was usually harmless. He just needed to stop being such a brat. He needed to look at everything he was doing wrong.
He was a show off, for one. Always looking for something to brag about, to make himself feel better when his thoughts turned bad. He was mean, bordering on cruel. He bullied Snape, he bullied the younger Gryffindor's, he even bullied Remus when he wasn't up to a prank. He was obnoxious and rude to everybody. He relied on his family name to get him out of trouble for six years.
So now he needed to think about what he could do. He could apologize to Remus. He could even try to apologize to Snape, although that would probably just end with James in the hospital wing. He could stop bragging, and actually try to do things well. He could take responsibility for himself and his future. His leg was bleeding, but he didn't notice until voiced broke him out of his haze.
"James! We're playing Gobstones! Want to join?" Sirius yelled. James covered his leg with his robes and stood.
"'Course!" He yelled back, making his way over to his friends. He didn't tell them what he was doing, what he was thinking about. The only clue they received was when James turned to Remus after the game, whispering an apology for the past few weeks of jabs. The look of surprise and small smile he received in return was enough to make James committed. He was going to make up for all the things he'd done.