AERIS WAS HERE
Intro, disclaimer & cast conversion:
In 1983, the American progressive rock band Styx did a concept
album titled Kilroy Was Here, in which, according to concept
creator, and now former member Dennis Acan De Young, was
an envisioned futuristic world where the evil Majority for Musical
Morality (MMM) , under the leadership of its founder, Dr. Everett
Righteous, used its dirty tricks, blackmail and their cable TV
network to cajole Congress to pass a law known as Code 672,
which banned the rock & roll genere. During that time, a
rock star named Robert Orin Charles Kilroy, was just finishing
up his tour, when a squad of MMM goons raided the stage,
and one of those said goons murdered one of their own minions,
framing Kilroy for the deed; in the end, Kilroy was convicted of
murder, and sent to a prison ship,under the eye of the cyborgs
known as "Robotos," for the next five years.
Fortunately, Jonathan Chance, a leader of an underground
movement formed to stop Dr. Righteous and his MMM empire
used a method to inspire Kilroy to break out and join in the
fight, disguised as a Roboto, no less.
As such, I chose to do a Final Fantasy parody of the Kilroy story,
which was featured at the start of the Styx live performance video,
Caught In The Act, Live. So here it is, my Final Fantasy parody, but
first the disclaimers: Final Fantasy is a trademark of Square, while
the Kilroy Was Here story is the trademark of Styx, former Stygian
Dennis De Young and of Buddies Inc., whatever you like it or
not. Also, all original Styx tunes used for the parodies (c) 1983
Stygian Songs & Alamo Music Corp (ASCAP) All rights
reserved, or words to that effect, eh?
Now for the conversion:
THE FORCES OF GOOD
Robert Orin Charles Kilroy
(Aeris Gainsborough)
Jonathan Chance
(Tifa Lockheart)
Jonathan's friend Vinnie
(Yuffie Kisaragi)
THE FORCES OF EVIL
Dr. Everett Righteous
(Sephiroth)
Lt. Vanish
(Rufus Shinra)
Col. Hyde
(Heidegger)
The Robotos
(The Jenobotos, as in Jenova)
The murdered MMM Minion
(Hojo)
The Majority for Musical Morality (MMM)
(The Syndicate for Sephiroth's Solidarity--
SSS for short)
Now, on with the story..........
(Scene #1: Somewhere in the the streets of Neo Midgar, in an
alley, where Tifa is painting a billboard of The Syndicate for
Sephiroth's Solidarity (SSS), which features the face of its leader, Dr.
Sephiroth; having been painted with Tifa's art work, the face looks
like the S-man is a victim of the black plague. Nearby, Yuffie is
standing guard. Several yards away, is one of the televised SSS
rallies where crowds can be seen, along with the SSS troops,
tossing anything Cetra and/or AVALANCHE related stuff into
a huge bonfire.)
Yuffie: Hurry up, Tif!! I don't like the idea of usin' The Cetra Code
so near a SSS rally. It's only a matter of time before their
spy drones get wind of it.
Tifa: You can't rush The Cetra Code. Remember, Aeris started the
whole thing before the last of The Cetra and AVALANCHE went
underground, so we'll start it back up again.
(Suddenly, over the rally, a hologram of Dr. Sephiroth's head is
projected up in the sky, while his voice booms from a P.A.
system.)
Sephiroth (over the P. A.): Good evening!! I've seen the future--
a future of joy and happiness, devoid of the plagues known
as The Cetra and AVALANCHE.
(Suddenly, a spotlight from a SSS spy drone shines on Tifa and
Yuffie.)
Sephiroth: AVALANCHERS!! GET THEM!!
(The crowd from the rally sets out in pursuit, but Tifa and Yuffie
reach safety in the form of a sewer; after Tifa places the cover,
the crowd loses them. From there, the gals head down the
long tunnel.)
Yuffie: We've had it now!! Now that they know what we look like,
we'll be busted!!
Tifa: It ain't over yet. We've come so far in hiring recruits for
our cause to bring down Doc Sephy and his SSS. Lest we forget,
The Cetra Code was created to hire new allies. Ever since Code
672 was passed by Congress, along with the conviction of
Aeris 5 years ago, for the murder of Hojo, we've dedicated our
lives to ensure that Aeris' sacrifice ain't in vain. Right now, our
movement's at 87 people, but only till it's big enough, do
we decide when we crush Dr. Sephiroth and his SSS war
machine.
Yuffie: You TRULY think Aeris killed Hojo? All the TV news claim
she did.
Tifa: You believe that propaganda junk?!? I sure don't, since
Aeris could never use Sephiroth's Masamune to do the
deed. Anyhow, the time's come for Plan B.
Yuffie: I hope it works......
(Scene #2: Onboard a typical SSS prison ship, in the dining galley,
surrounded by the vigilant Jenobotos, Aeris is seated at one of many
tables, along with several other unfortunate convicts, while waiting for
the announcement for the daliy dinner. At that moment, one of the
Jenobotos makes the announcement.)
Jenoboto: Good evening. We, your ever helpful Jenobotos, will now
serve you for dinner, Dr. Sephiroth's Pepper Steak, which, as with
your breakfast and lunch, is supplied by The Syndicate for Sephiroth's
Solidarity. Enjoy yourselves.
(Several of the Jenobotos carry boxes bearing the words "Dr.
Sephiroth's Pepper Steak," each Jenoboto giving a convict his or her
box. Inside is two pieces of pepper steak, a buttered roll, a knife
and fork, sauce, and soda. Upon getting her food, all Aeris can do
is sob sadly.)
Aeris: What did I do to deserve that?
(One of the Jenobotos approaches Aeris and talks to her.)
Jenoboto: I've been instructed to tell you your braid is seven feet
long, and it needs to be cut. Please comply.
(An exsasperated Aeris jumps to her feet and glares at the
Jenoboto.)
Aeris: Now just a minute!! That is goin' too far!!
Jenoboto: Too far?
Aeris: It's bad 'nuff you an' your kind treat me like that, and give me
such cruddy food, and other crummy stuff, but......when you make
fun of my braid, THAT.........is where I draw the line!!
(With one foot, Aeris kicks the Jenoboto in the stomach; that in
turn, incites a riot till there's a melee of convicts scrapping with
Jenobotos--until a voice is heard on the P.A. system.)
P.A. voice: Priority alert!! There's a riot in the dining section!!
Start the halothane gas!!
(From hidden vents, halothane gas belches till all the convicts--
Aeris included--wind up dozing off under the effects of the gas.)
(Scene #3: One of the tunnelike hallways of the central bowels
of the SSS communication home base. Cables, relays, nodes,
and conduits line the walls. Right now, one section of the wall
features a huge panel, surrounded by TV screens broadcasting
Dr. Sephiroth's spiel. And it's that section that Tifa and Yuffie
approach, each carrying a duffel bag.)
Yuffie: You sure it's the place?
Tifa: According to the schematics your boyfriend Reno got,
it's the place.
Yuffie: To quote Cid, I bet ol' Sephy is crappin' in his panz
now.
(Scene #4: One of the vast halls of the SSS prison ship where
Aeris and the convicts, having recovered from the effects of the
halothane gas, seat themselves before several 40 inch TV screens
broadcasting the 3 hour sessions of the SSS, part of the standard
mind control sessions. On the screen, we see the words THE
DR. SEPHIROTH SHOW, followed by SPONSORED BY THE
SYNDICATE FOR SEPHIROTH'S SOLIDARITY. We then see a stage
on which stand Dr. Sephiroth, Lt. Rufus Shinra and Col.
Heidegger.)
CETRA ANCIENT POISONING
Parody of Heavy Metal Poisoning
Performed by Sephiroth
Sephiroth:
The time's come to take a stand
to reclaim The Promised Land
Those Cetras owned it long enough
so it's time we got real tough.
AVALANCHE is a big pain
whose efforts just don't mean a thing
Their leader Cloud Strife's a nut
Let's go kick his spikey butt.
It's Cetra Ancient poisoning
They're the scourge of Shinra
and of Jenova
You're gettin' hooked on sweet Aeris G.
You're gettin' hooked on ol'
AVALANCHE
AVALANCHE
AVALANCHE
and The Cetra.
AVALANCHE is one big fright
But they're wrong and I am right
First I'll stab them from behind
then I'll play with ol' Cloud's mind
It's Doc Sephiroth, an' I am here to sing,
that dumb AVALANCHE, is poisoning
They're a terrorist group, that destroyed
Shinra
They're over loaded, on RPGs,
Playstations,
all Square games---
Crowd:
--and Aeris G.!!
Solo
Sephiroth:
It's Doc Sephiroth,an' I am here to sing,
that dumb AVALANCHE, is poisoning
They're a terrorist group, that destroyed
Shinra
They're overloaded, on RPGs,
Playstations,
all Square games.
It's Cetra Ancient poisoning
They're the scourge of Shinra
and of Corneo
You're gettin' hooked on sweet Aeris G.
You're gettin' hooked on ol'
AVALANCHE
AVALANCHE
AVALANCHE--
Crowd:
--and The Cetra!!!!
(chanting):
Sephy!!
Sephy!!
Sephy!!
Sephy!!
YAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!
Sephiroth (shouting): SHADDAADP!! SHAADAAPPPPPP!!!!
(Scene #5: In the tunnel like passage in the SSS communications
section, Tifa takes off the cover of the main panel, and is now
finishing with patching a S Video cord in the input, with a
Playstation 2 on the other end, which is now manned by Yuffie.
Patched in between the signal path of the PS2 and the panel's
stereo sound inputs, is a mixing box with a mike hooked up.)
Tifa: Let's hope it works. All set, Yuffie Girl?
Yuffie: All systems go, T. L.
Tifa: Then play for what it's worth.
Yuffie: Aye, aye, Captain Kirk.
(Scene #6: Back in the SSS prison ship, in the mind control room.
Aeris is almost nodding off from the 3 hour spiel of the SSS
programming----when the familiar sound of the Final Fantasy VII
battle theme jolts her awake. To everyone's surprise, on the
screens we see that Dr. Sephiroth's image is gone, replaced
by Aeris, Tifa and Cloud battling Ark Dragons in The Mythril Mines.
And that ain't all--from the TV speakers, we hear Tifa's voice.)
Tifa's voice (from the speakers): Doc Sephiroth, you @%#*$&^,
you can't win!! It ain't over yet!! You're listenin' to Tifa Lockheart!!
So listen up, Sephy!! Your BUT-TOCKS is in deep doodoo!!
(On Aeris' face, we see a look of surprise.)
Aeris (murmuring): Tifa........!!
(Scene #7: Same as Scene #5. Tifa is talking into the mike that
was patched into the mixer while Yuffie is playing the game.)
Tifa (continued): To anyone listening, it ain't over!! We're still
here!! An' we're ready--or words to that effect.
(Yuffie finishes the game, and she and Tifa unhook all their stuff,
pack it all back in their bags, and hightail it from the hallway.)
(Scene #8: In her cell in the SSS prison ship, Aeris is laying on
her bunk; having seen Tifa's latest attempt to get a hold of her,
she's now forming a plan to breakout. Reaching under her mat,
she pulls out a Jenoboto manual, and skims the pages till she
comes across the chapter titled WHAT NOT TO DO TO YOUR
JENOBOTO. Atfer studying its contents, Aeris stashes the manual
under the mat, before reaching for her photo locket she's now
wearing 'round her neck; in the heart shaped locket frame, is
a photo of Cloud. Upon seeing that, Aeris starts to sing and sob
sadly.)
DON'T LEAVE ME, CLOUD
Parody of Don't Let It End
Performed by Aeris Gainsborough
Aeris:
What can I do?
My photo of you still makes me cry
I am tryin' to live without you, Cloud
--it's so hard to do.
Sometimes I'll look back, when we
met in Midgar, while I was sellin'
my flowers
But I get up each day, with not
much to say
Does Square hate me so?
Some gamers say Tifa loves you
--an' to me, that sucks.
But if you give me a chance to
remember, the games we once
played together.
Cloud, to me, you're my Final
Fantasy.
I hope that you don't say, "No."
I mean to tell you--
Chorus:
Don't leave me, Cloud
SOLDIER dude, you give me
much more, more, more
Don't leave me, Cloud
Can't you see I ain't no
ol' bore, bore, bore.....
That stupid Rinoa,
is just an' ol' tramp
and that summoner Yuna,
is a chump, not a champ
I am prettier than Celes,
an' Garnet too.
I wanna marry you, Cloud,
because I love you.
Don't leave me, Cloud
I hope that it ain't Game
Over today
Don't leave me, Cloud
I hope that it ain't Game
Over toda------------------ay
Solo
Chorus (repeat)
Aeris:
Don't leave me, Cloud
I hope you don't forget
our date today.....
Don't leave me, Cloud
I hope you don't forget
our date today.....
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Life's just no breeze,
in all RPGs
I need you to stay,
Cloud Strife,
so don't leave me, Cloud......
no......way.........
(After the last strains of the tune fade out, a Jenoboto arrives at
the cell door, opens it, and enters. From there, it bows to Aeris
and talks.)
Jenoboto: I've been instructed to inform you that your unwarranted
behavior in the eating section today just resulted in your privilages
gettin' penalized for the period. Your disciplinary session is earmarked
for 0900 hours tomorrow. That is your formal notice, Aeris.
Aeris: Jenoboto, your words--they're meaningless and badly informed.
You're in error.
Jenoboto: Error?
Aeris: Your error light is on.
Jenoboto: I got an error light?
Aeris: You mean they never told you that you got an error light?
Allow me to help.
Jenoboto: No devience, Aeris.
Aeris: No, no devience. Just the fact your shoelace is untied.
Jenoboto: WHAT?!?
(While the Jenoboto bends down to check her shoes, Aeris whips
out from her pink ribbon, a Lightning Materia, and casts Bolt 3 on the
hapless Jenoboto, causing it to spark into submission, before it falls
in a smoking heap.)
Aeris: Let that be a lesson to you--never trust a Cetra Ancient.
(Scene #9: Disguised as a Jenoboto, Aeris climbs up a ladder,
which leads to an outside hatch. From there, she scuttles
across the surface of the prison ship, hiding from the spy drones
from time to time till she reaches a second hatch before climbing
down it, into a section where identtical Jenobotos await offloading
for maintenance. No sooner does the ship land, the two batches of
Jenobotos switch, and in the exchange, Aeris breaks from the pack,
hightailing it for Neo Midgar.)
(Scene #10: As one of a billion Jenobotos, Aeris makes
her way to the deserted streets. Nearby, is a trash can with a half
full can of spray paint. Using the can, she sprays several Cetra
Code communiques on many SSS billboards along the way,
before mounting a Gold Chocobo bound for who knows where.)
(Scene #11: Atop one of a few slum buildings in Neo Midgar,
Tifa, Yuffie, Cid, Barrett, Red XIII, Reeve (formerly Cait Sith),
Vincent, Zack,Cloud and the Turks--Tseng, Elena, Reno and Rude--
scan the cityscape, when Cloud spots something with his binoculars.)
Cloud: Sst!! Tifa!! Check it out!!
(Tifa comes to Cloud, who gives her the binocs; she stares through
them while using a decoding booklet.)
Tifa: It's The Cetra Code all right. And from what I was able to decode,
it means Plan B is official.
Yuffie: Yaaaaayy!! Aeris broke out!!
Tifa: That ain't all--it also says where we all should meet her at--which
is the last place anyone would head to. Let's go.
(Scene #12: In the central office of the SSS H. Q. building, Dr.
Sephiroth is at his desk, playing with a yoyo, when Lt. (Rufus) Shinra
and Col. Heidegger rush in.)
Rufus: Dr. Sephiroth!! Some yutz tampered with our TV system, an'
what's worse, we found the carcass of a shorted out Jenoboto
in the cell of one Aeris Gainsborough.
Sephiroth: So it was Aeris that did just that. She's improved long since
I stabbed her at The Forgotten City.
Heidegger: You sure it wasn't a Game Shark that brung her back?
Sephiroth: Definitely. Place all sections on alert, everywhere, or no
TV in the rec room.
Heidegger: We'll get her for sure, an' we'll get her good. Gyah, hah,
haaaah!!
Rufus: Stop that STUU---------PID laugh!!
Sephiroth: Ditto!! Now get on with it!!
(After Rufus and Heidegger exit the office, Sephiroth turns to a window
that overlooks the Neo Midgar skyline,resuming his yoyo playing.)
Sephiroth: Aeris Gainsborough, your BUT-TOCKS is mine.......
ANCIENT LIFE
Parody of Double Life
Performed by Sephiroth
Sephiroth:
In a sure fire RPG,
from the world of Final Fantasy
a green eyed gal passes through
to meet with Cloud at a strange rendezvous
She's a braid tailed Cetra babe
that makes any gamer rave
But Shinra too, wanted her so bad
just for The Promised Land--how sad.
All because she's--
Chorus:
Leading a Ancient Life
Flowers in the daytime,
magic at night.
Leading a Ancient Life
Can it be wrong when she knows
that it's right?
Sephiroth:
The Gold Saucer was no doubt first rate,
so Cloud and Aeris went on their date
They had their hopes, that they would wed
until I stabbed poor Aeris dead,
because she was--
Chorus (repeat)
Solo
Sephiroth:
But she came back, so I wonder why
for she's a legend, well so am I
Ancient Life, a Ancient Life, a game
diva
You know Aeris is a game diva
I know she's out there--
Chorus (repeat)
(Scene #13: The town of Nibelheim, where Tifa and Yuffie climb
the retaining wall that surrounds the Nibelheim Theater, now the
site of Dr. Sephiroth's Museum Of Cetra & AVALANCHE Pathology.)
Yuffie: What a scary joint.
Tifa: According to the message, Aeris must be in there. Let's go.
(Without further ado, Tifa and Yuffie enter the museum.)
(Scene #14: Inside the dimly lit interior of the theater, Tifa and
Yuffie spot a red neon sign reading, DR. SEPHIROTH'S MUSEUM OF
CETRA & AVALANCHE PATHOLOGY. Beyond that, is the first exhibit--
a cyborg replica of Aeris' mother, Iflana, with a cyborg of her old
man, Prof. Gast. Moving on, the two head to the next exhibit in
the form of Aeris' foster mother, Elmyra. Last of all, on the stage,
is the main attraction: a cyborg recreation of the night when
Aeris was captured--cyborgs of The Turks playing their violins
and cellos, Cloud on his bass, Cid and Vincent on thier electric
guitars, Barret, Reeve, Zack and Red XIII on the horns, Tifa
and Yuffie on the synthesizers and Aeris on the drums--with a
copy of Sephiroth's Masamune sword in one hand, aimed at
a cyborg Hojo, who steps up to protest, only to shriek in death
while the cyborg Aeris stabs him. Across the front of the stage,
down where Tifa and Yuffie now stand, is a huge blue neon
sign in block font letters that reads, AERIS KILLS. And that is when
a recorded voice of Dr. Sephiroth can be heard on the P. A.)
Sephiroth's voice (over the P. A.): Greetings. Welcome to our main
exhibit, which is depicting the violent end to the evils of all things
Cetra Ancient and AVALANCHE. On the night of Code 672, which
protects everyone from these said evils, the last Cetra, Aeris
Gainsborough up an' murdered my most loyal supported and
minion, Professor Hojo, formerly of Shinra Inc, who is also my
old man. As such, we designed and built the exhibit you see,
to illustrate why we must remain vigilant aganst all that stuff.
(Enraged at Sephiroth's SSS dogma, along with the way
the exhibit depicts their friend, Yuffie and Tifa launch into their
Limit Breaks, ripping out the Masamune from the cyborg Aeris'
hand, before shorting it out, causing the whole cyborg system
to stop. After that, a voice, that Tifa and Yuffie know full well
is heard.)
Aeris' voice: Tifa........Yuffie....
(From the shadows, a Jenoboto is seen coming from the shadows
before stopping before Yuffie and Tifa--and bursts into song
in the same voice they've heard before........)
MS. JENOBOTO
Parody of Mr. Roboto
Performed by Aeris Gainsborough
Aeris:
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto,
I hope to see you again
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto
Do you wanna know a secret?
You're wonderin' what I am
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
WEAPON or manniquin
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
I came back from the grave
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
For I am a Cetra babe
I've got a secret: I've been hidin'
under that mech
My hair is butterscotch, my blood
is Ancient, an' I am a wreck
So if you see me actin' strangely,
don't be surprised
I am just a gal that needs a comeback
an' a game to revive
To keep me alive----to keep me alive
A game to revive, to keep me alive
I ain't no Cait Sith, without emotions
I ain''t what you see
I've come to help you, with some
game tips, for Square's RPGs
I ain't no heroine, I ain't no diva,
forget what you know
I am just a babe whose circumstances
went beyond Square's control
Beyond Square's control--the game
needs control
I need control--the game needs control
I am a Cetra babe
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
That came back from the grave
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
Right now, no one can see
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
my real indentity.
Chorus:
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto
Domo (Domo) Domo (Domo)
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto
Domo (Domo) Domo (Domo)
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto
(repeat last line x12 in background)
Aeris (in foreground):
Thank you oh so much, oh Ms. Jenoboto
for playin' the games that no one else wants to
an' thank you oh so much, oh Ms. Jenoboto
for good ol' Kingdom Hearts when I needed it
Thank you--thank you, thank you.
I wanna thank you--hey, thank you
Oh, oh, oh, oh---------I' aiiiiiiiiiii......!!
Aeris (continued):
The problem's plain to see:
It's Shinra technology,
Mako to save our lives
An' WEAPONs dehumanize.....
The time's now come at last
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
to throw away my mask
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
Now everyone can see
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
my REAL identity:
It's Aeris.....Aeris....Aeris....Aeris....!!
(With one hand, the Jenoboto removes the shell of its head,
revealing the comely face of the one and only Aeris.)
Yuffie & Tifa: Aeris.....!!
Aeris: None other.
(The ladies meet up with the last Cetra and hug each other while
sobbing tears of joy.)
Aeris: So help me, it's great to see you. I am so thankful you got
my Cetra Codes.
Tifa: We're thankful you saw my broadcast.
Yuffie: An' my game playin'.
Aeris: It's what prompted me to bust outa that prison joint, 7 foot
braid tail an' all.
Barret's voice: Heeeeeeeeeeey!!!!
(At that moment, Barett, Zack, Cloud, Cid, Vincent, Red XIII,
Reeve and The Turks show up, reaching the stage.)
Aeris: Barret!! Cloud!! You all came!!
Red XIII: Absolutely.
The Turks: AAAA-MEN!!!!
Aeris (to Cloud): Oh, Cloud, you got NO IDEA how long I've missed
you!!
Cloud: Tell me all 'bout it.
(From there, Aeris and Cloud share a long loving kiss.)
Barret: Get a room, foo' !!
Vincent: As you can see, we've been, for the past five years,
setting up a network, ready to spread worldwide.
Cid: An' ready to rub out all of the &^$*%@# lies of that %@#*^$&
SSS.
Zack: An' when the time is right, we'll shred that Doc Sephy's
jockey shorts.....
Tseng: .....an' kick his BUT-TOCKS......
Elena: .....an' give him 'da works.....
Reno: .....an' boil him in oil.....
Rude: .....an' punch his lights out.
Aeris: Hey, settle down, all of you. If you all wanna best Dr. Sephiroth
an his crummy SSS, you'd best be prepared. I learned the hard way
Doc Sephy don't play head games----an' I don't mean the
Foreginer album.
Zack: Hey I thought we were doin' a parody on Styx.
Cloud: Don't worry 'bout a thing--we're prepared for anything.
We even got Game Shark cheat codes in case things get iffy.
Aeris: Least it's a start.
Tifa (after a long pause): Did you TRULY kill Hojo?
Aeris: HELL NO!!!! I didn't kill ANYONE AT ALL!! That &$^*%@#
Sephiroth did the dirty deed an' framed me for it, knowing the H-man
was a threat to the future of the SSS--well, that, plus the fact that Hojo
was his old man--an' I thought Tidus an' Jecht were the only ones....
also, by gettin' me busted, it would strike the symbolic death blow
to The Cetra an' AVALANCHE. (pause) I can still remember it all,
five years ago............you'd think the nightmares had faded....
and yet......
(Enter flashback.)
(Scene #15: Same as #14, only 5 years ago. It's no hype that
The Nibelheim Theater is a packed house, full of people and
other Final Fantasy otaku (Japanese for biggest fan). Right now,
the AVALANCHErs and The Turks just finished the last tune on the
stage, at the end of their long tour, and the crowd cheers.)
Cloud (to the audience): Thank you!! Thank you for coming, an'
on behalf of The Turks, an' the rest of the band, I hope we
passed the audition!! (to Zack) Boy, what a way to finish our tour,
eh, Zack?
Zack: I just wish we hadn't taken such a big risk of even doin' the
tour, with ol' Doc Sephy an' his dumb ol' SSS pushin' for Code 672.
Cid: But what a way to go. 'Sides, I'd like to punch the %@#&$^*
outa Doc Seph if he tries anything!!
(As if in reply, the house lights turn on, and Dr. Sephiroth, Hojo,
Lt. Shinra, Col. Heidegger and a huge legion of SSS troops march in
and storm the stage, the troops blocking the audience's view
from Cloud and co.)
Sephiroth: OK, you ^*#%@&$ bastards, you're in it now!! Victory is
ours, now that Code 672 is passed!!
Aeris: You just don't get it, do you?
Hojo: You heard Dr. Sephiroth--for you, the last Cetra, it's back to the
Shinra lab for you.
(At that moment, Sephiroth uses a Time/All Materia combo on
AVALANCHE and The Turks, casting Stop on all, while Hojo is rambling.
From there, he unsheaths his Masamune sword and stabs Hojo dead
through his back. That done, he sticks the sword in Aeris' hand, uses
an Esuna/All Materia on Cloud and co., before gesturing to the
troops to step aside, the audience seeing one dead Shinra
scientist, and a bewildered Aeris with the bloodied sword in her
hand.)
Sephiroth: Great Scott!! Aeris just went and stabbed Hojo!! GET
HER!!!!
(In an instant, the theater is an absolute melee with Cloud,
AVALANCHE and The Turks duking it out with some of the SSS troops
while other troops pick up and carry poor Aeris out through the
stage door and out into the streets.)
Aeris: HELP!! PO-LICE!! PARAMEDICS!! CLOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD!!!!!!!!
(Exit flashback.)
(Scene #16: Same as Scene #14,only back in the present. Aeris is
soobing the rest of her tale while Tifa, Yuffie and Cloud comfort her.)
Aeris (sobbing): And so.......I was convicted of Hojo's murder an'
sent to one of their prison ships. Over the next 5 years, the SSS went
an' garnered all the power an' influence tiil they're stronger than the
Shinra, even the goverment.........
Tifa: Poor baby........so Sephiroth thinks it's over, does he? He thinks
he's won?
Reeve: Next thing you know, he'll start banning video games--even
Square's RPGs.
Vincent: They can't do that. It ain't the games in question, but the
freedom of expression.
(Aeris dries the last of the tears and stands in determination.)
Aeris: It ain't over yet. Tifa, you an' the others were out there,
spreading The Cetra Code, collecting allies an' Final Fantasy
fans worldwide. We may be small, but there's other ways to
fight a war. That Sephiroth declared war on the planet when
he succeeded with Code 672. And he declared war when
he murdered Hojo, framed me for the deed, an' had me
incarcerated. So like it or not, we're at war. Or words to that
effect, eh?
(Picking up the discarded replica of Sephiroth's sword, Aeris
hurls it like a javelin at one of Seph's posters, demolishing it.)
Tifa: You're right. Something must be done, and something
WILL be done!! (Bursts into song.)
AVALANCHE AIN'T NO OL' BORE
Parody of Haven't We Been Here Before?
Performed by Tifa Lockheart
Tifa:
AVALANCHE ain't no ol' bore
Until next year, we were shoved
out the door,
an' Square said we can't stay
here no more.
Then Final Fantasy 8 came
with Squall and his SeeDs,
an' Sorceresses,
an' Junction spells an' G. F.'s
galore.
After that, came FF9,
Zidane an' his bunch,
with Kuja tryin' to steal the show
FF10 was the rage,
with that bimbo Yuna,
an' that studly dude Tidus--whoa!!
But what of AVALANCHE?
We got the big chance
So we're here, an' we'll never let go
So tonight, let's all play again,
that good ol' FF7 now an' then
An' as time rolls on,
we'll be #1 again.
An' I believe if we learn from the past,
we'd say AVALANCHE ain't no ol' bore
an' I believe with our Game Shark cheat
codes,
we'd be able to win every game
an' then prove to ol' Square
we've come back
with such flair.
So tonight, let's all play again,
that good ol' FF7 now an' then
An' as time rolls on,
we'll be #1 again.
An' I believe if we learn from the past,
we'd say AVALANCHE ain't no ol' bore.
Oh, an' I believe with our Game Shark cheat
codes,
we'd be able to win every game,
an' we'd make so much Gil.
with which, we'll pay our bill.
So hear me out, Seph.
With our Playstation,
we'll ain't likely to be in debt.
(With everyone cheering at Tifa's performance, Aeris holds
up a hand.)
Aeris: Fantastic, Teef. So with that in mind, you think you and the
others can help me?
Tifa: Anything for a friend. We'll get that Doc Sephy an' his
crummy SSS, one way or another.......
Aeris: An' we'll get him good--I think....
Cloud: In that case......(gives Aeris a pair of drumsticks)....long
live the Cetras.
Aeris: An' AVALANCHE.
(From there, Aeris and co. reclaim their instruments from their
cyborg twins and play in one last hurrah prior to their up and
coming task of ending the evil rule of Dr. Sephiroth and his SSS
empire. Right now, Aeris is back behind her drum kit, playing
with the others, and singing for what it's worth.)
LET'S PLAY AGAIN
Parody of Don't Let It End (Reprise)
Performed by Aeris Gainsborough
Aeris:
I am a Cetra babe,
with a planet to save,
I'll do my best to try
to keep the Cetra alive....
keep it alive....
keep it alive....
keep it alive....
All:
Let's play again
(repeat x4)
Aeris:
Whoo, hoo, hoo!!
We're goin' to play Square
games through the night,
Saga Frontier, Ehrgeiz,
an' Einhander's just right.
An' Final Fantasy's still our
heart an' soul,
so let's all play till we lose
control!!
Let's play again....
Terra.....Cloud....Squall
....Zidane......Tidus--
Ah, wa, whoo.........!!
Chocobos an' Mogs rule.......!!
(Ad lib to fade)
OWARI (THE END)
Dedicated to the memory of original
Styx drummer John Anthony Panozzo,
who died in 1996, from complications
linked to alcohol. May he rest in peace.......
--Ronin.
Intro, disclaimer & cast conversion:
In 1983, the American progressive rock band Styx did a concept
album titled Kilroy Was Here, in which, according to concept
creator, and now former member Dennis Acan De Young, was
an envisioned futuristic world where the evil Majority for Musical
Morality (MMM) , under the leadership of its founder, Dr. Everett
Righteous, used its dirty tricks, blackmail and their cable TV
network to cajole Congress to pass a law known as Code 672,
which banned the rock & roll genere. During that time, a
rock star named Robert Orin Charles Kilroy, was just finishing
up his tour, when a squad of MMM goons raided the stage,
and one of those said goons murdered one of their own minions,
framing Kilroy for the deed; in the end, Kilroy was convicted of
murder, and sent to a prison ship,under the eye of the cyborgs
known as "Robotos," for the next five years.
Fortunately, Jonathan Chance, a leader of an underground
movement formed to stop Dr. Righteous and his MMM empire
used a method to inspire Kilroy to break out and join in the
fight, disguised as a Roboto, no less.
As such, I chose to do a Final Fantasy parody of the Kilroy story,
which was featured at the start of the Styx live performance video,
Caught In The Act, Live. So here it is, my Final Fantasy parody, but
first the disclaimers: Final Fantasy is a trademark of Square, while
the Kilroy Was Here story is the trademark of Styx, former Stygian
Dennis De Young and of Buddies Inc., whatever you like it or
not. Also, all original Styx tunes used for the parodies (c) 1983
Stygian Songs & Alamo Music Corp (ASCAP) All rights
reserved, or words to that effect, eh?
Now for the conversion:
THE FORCES OF GOOD
Robert Orin Charles Kilroy
(Aeris Gainsborough)
Jonathan Chance
(Tifa Lockheart)
Jonathan's friend Vinnie
(Yuffie Kisaragi)
THE FORCES OF EVIL
Dr. Everett Righteous
(Sephiroth)
Lt. Vanish
(Rufus Shinra)
Col. Hyde
(Heidegger)
The Robotos
(The Jenobotos, as in Jenova)
The murdered MMM Minion
(Hojo)
The Majority for Musical Morality (MMM)
(The Syndicate for Sephiroth's Solidarity--
SSS for short)
Now, on with the story..........
(Scene #1: Somewhere in the the streets of Neo Midgar, in an
alley, where Tifa is painting a billboard of The Syndicate for
Sephiroth's Solidarity (SSS), which features the face of its leader, Dr.
Sephiroth; having been painted with Tifa's art work, the face looks
like the S-man is a victim of the black plague. Nearby, Yuffie is
standing guard. Several yards away, is one of the televised SSS
rallies where crowds can be seen, along with the SSS troops,
tossing anything Cetra and/or AVALANCHE related stuff into
a huge bonfire.)
Yuffie: Hurry up, Tif!! I don't like the idea of usin' The Cetra Code
so near a SSS rally. It's only a matter of time before their
spy drones get wind of it.
Tifa: You can't rush The Cetra Code. Remember, Aeris started the
whole thing before the last of The Cetra and AVALANCHE went
underground, so we'll start it back up again.
(Suddenly, over the rally, a hologram of Dr. Sephiroth's head is
projected up in the sky, while his voice booms from a P.A.
system.)
Sephiroth (over the P. A.): Good evening!! I've seen the future--
a future of joy and happiness, devoid of the plagues known
as The Cetra and AVALANCHE.
(Suddenly, a spotlight from a SSS spy drone shines on Tifa and
Yuffie.)
Sephiroth: AVALANCHERS!! GET THEM!!
(The crowd from the rally sets out in pursuit, but Tifa and Yuffie
reach safety in the form of a sewer; after Tifa places the cover,
the crowd loses them. From there, the gals head down the
long tunnel.)
Yuffie: We've had it now!! Now that they know what we look like,
we'll be busted!!
Tifa: It ain't over yet. We've come so far in hiring recruits for
our cause to bring down Doc Sephy and his SSS. Lest we forget,
The Cetra Code was created to hire new allies. Ever since Code
672 was passed by Congress, along with the conviction of
Aeris 5 years ago, for the murder of Hojo, we've dedicated our
lives to ensure that Aeris' sacrifice ain't in vain. Right now, our
movement's at 87 people, but only till it's big enough, do
we decide when we crush Dr. Sephiroth and his SSS war
machine.
Yuffie: You TRULY think Aeris killed Hojo? All the TV news claim
she did.
Tifa: You believe that propaganda junk?!? I sure don't, since
Aeris could never use Sephiroth's Masamune to do the
deed. Anyhow, the time's come for Plan B.
Yuffie: I hope it works......
(Scene #2: Onboard a typical SSS prison ship, in the dining galley,
surrounded by the vigilant Jenobotos, Aeris is seated at one of many
tables, along with several other unfortunate convicts, while waiting for
the announcement for the daliy dinner. At that moment, one of the
Jenobotos makes the announcement.)
Jenoboto: Good evening. We, your ever helpful Jenobotos, will now
serve you for dinner, Dr. Sephiroth's Pepper Steak, which, as with
your breakfast and lunch, is supplied by The Syndicate for Sephiroth's
Solidarity. Enjoy yourselves.
(Several of the Jenobotos carry boxes bearing the words "Dr.
Sephiroth's Pepper Steak," each Jenoboto giving a convict his or her
box. Inside is two pieces of pepper steak, a buttered roll, a knife
and fork, sauce, and soda. Upon getting her food, all Aeris can do
is sob sadly.)
Aeris: What did I do to deserve that?
(One of the Jenobotos approaches Aeris and talks to her.)
Jenoboto: I've been instructed to tell you your braid is seven feet
long, and it needs to be cut. Please comply.
(An exsasperated Aeris jumps to her feet and glares at the
Jenoboto.)
Aeris: Now just a minute!! That is goin' too far!!
Jenoboto: Too far?
Aeris: It's bad 'nuff you an' your kind treat me like that, and give me
such cruddy food, and other crummy stuff, but......when you make
fun of my braid, THAT.........is where I draw the line!!
(With one foot, Aeris kicks the Jenoboto in the stomach; that in
turn, incites a riot till there's a melee of convicts scrapping with
Jenobotos--until a voice is heard on the P.A. system.)
P.A. voice: Priority alert!! There's a riot in the dining section!!
Start the halothane gas!!
(From hidden vents, halothane gas belches till all the convicts--
Aeris included--wind up dozing off under the effects of the gas.)
(Scene #3: One of the tunnelike hallways of the central bowels
of the SSS communication home base. Cables, relays, nodes,
and conduits line the walls. Right now, one section of the wall
features a huge panel, surrounded by TV screens broadcasting
Dr. Sephiroth's spiel. And it's that section that Tifa and Yuffie
approach, each carrying a duffel bag.)
Yuffie: You sure it's the place?
Tifa: According to the schematics your boyfriend Reno got,
it's the place.
Yuffie: To quote Cid, I bet ol' Sephy is crappin' in his panz
now.
(Scene #4: One of the vast halls of the SSS prison ship where
Aeris and the convicts, having recovered from the effects of the
halothane gas, seat themselves before several 40 inch TV screens
broadcasting the 3 hour sessions of the SSS, part of the standard
mind control sessions. On the screen, we see the words THE
DR. SEPHIROTH SHOW, followed by SPONSORED BY THE
SYNDICATE FOR SEPHIROTH'S SOLIDARITY. We then see a stage
on which stand Dr. Sephiroth, Lt. Rufus Shinra and Col.
Heidegger.)
CETRA ANCIENT POISONING
Parody of Heavy Metal Poisoning
Performed by Sephiroth
Sephiroth:
The time's come to take a stand
to reclaim The Promised Land
Those Cetras owned it long enough
so it's time we got real tough.
AVALANCHE is a big pain
whose efforts just don't mean a thing
Their leader Cloud Strife's a nut
Let's go kick his spikey butt.
It's Cetra Ancient poisoning
They're the scourge of Shinra
and of Jenova
You're gettin' hooked on sweet Aeris G.
You're gettin' hooked on ol'
AVALANCHE
AVALANCHE
AVALANCHE
and The Cetra.
AVALANCHE is one big fright
But they're wrong and I am right
First I'll stab them from behind
then I'll play with ol' Cloud's mind
It's Doc Sephiroth, an' I am here to sing,
that dumb AVALANCHE, is poisoning
They're a terrorist group, that destroyed
Shinra
They're over loaded, on RPGs,
Playstations,
all Square games---
Crowd:
--and Aeris G.!!
Solo
Sephiroth:
It's Doc Sephiroth,an' I am here to sing,
that dumb AVALANCHE, is poisoning
They're a terrorist group, that destroyed
Shinra
They're overloaded, on RPGs,
Playstations,
all Square games.
It's Cetra Ancient poisoning
They're the scourge of Shinra
and of Corneo
You're gettin' hooked on sweet Aeris G.
You're gettin' hooked on ol'
AVALANCHE
AVALANCHE
AVALANCHE--
Crowd:
--and The Cetra!!!!
(chanting):
Sephy!!
Sephy!!
Sephy!!
Sephy!!
YAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!
Sephiroth (shouting): SHADDAADP!! SHAADAAPPPPPP!!!!
(Scene #5: In the tunnel like passage in the SSS communications
section, Tifa takes off the cover of the main panel, and is now
finishing with patching a S Video cord in the input, with a
Playstation 2 on the other end, which is now manned by Yuffie.
Patched in between the signal path of the PS2 and the panel's
stereo sound inputs, is a mixing box with a mike hooked up.)
Tifa: Let's hope it works. All set, Yuffie Girl?
Yuffie: All systems go, T. L.
Tifa: Then play for what it's worth.
Yuffie: Aye, aye, Captain Kirk.
(Scene #6: Back in the SSS prison ship, in the mind control room.
Aeris is almost nodding off from the 3 hour spiel of the SSS
programming----when the familiar sound of the Final Fantasy VII
battle theme jolts her awake. To everyone's surprise, on the
screens we see that Dr. Sephiroth's image is gone, replaced
by Aeris, Tifa and Cloud battling Ark Dragons in The Mythril Mines.
And that ain't all--from the TV speakers, we hear Tifa's voice.)
Tifa's voice (from the speakers): Doc Sephiroth, you @%#*$&^,
you can't win!! It ain't over yet!! You're listenin' to Tifa Lockheart!!
So listen up, Sephy!! Your BUT-TOCKS is in deep doodoo!!
(On Aeris' face, we see a look of surprise.)
Aeris (murmuring): Tifa........!!
(Scene #7: Same as Scene #5. Tifa is talking into the mike that
was patched into the mixer while Yuffie is playing the game.)
Tifa (continued): To anyone listening, it ain't over!! We're still
here!! An' we're ready--or words to that effect.
(Yuffie finishes the game, and she and Tifa unhook all their stuff,
pack it all back in their bags, and hightail it from the hallway.)
(Scene #8: In her cell in the SSS prison ship, Aeris is laying on
her bunk; having seen Tifa's latest attempt to get a hold of her,
she's now forming a plan to breakout. Reaching under her mat,
she pulls out a Jenoboto manual, and skims the pages till she
comes across the chapter titled WHAT NOT TO DO TO YOUR
JENOBOTO. Atfer studying its contents, Aeris stashes the manual
under the mat, before reaching for her photo locket she's now
wearing 'round her neck; in the heart shaped locket frame, is
a photo of Cloud. Upon seeing that, Aeris starts to sing and sob
sadly.)
DON'T LEAVE ME, CLOUD
Parody of Don't Let It End
Performed by Aeris Gainsborough
Aeris:
What can I do?
My photo of you still makes me cry
I am tryin' to live without you, Cloud
--it's so hard to do.
Sometimes I'll look back, when we
met in Midgar, while I was sellin'
my flowers
But I get up each day, with not
much to say
Does Square hate me so?
Some gamers say Tifa loves you
--an' to me, that sucks.
But if you give me a chance to
remember, the games we once
played together.
Cloud, to me, you're my Final
Fantasy.
I hope that you don't say, "No."
I mean to tell you--
Chorus:
Don't leave me, Cloud
SOLDIER dude, you give me
much more, more, more
Don't leave me, Cloud
Can't you see I ain't no
ol' bore, bore, bore.....
That stupid Rinoa,
is just an' ol' tramp
and that summoner Yuna,
is a chump, not a champ
I am prettier than Celes,
an' Garnet too.
I wanna marry you, Cloud,
because I love you.
Don't leave me, Cloud
I hope that it ain't Game
Over today
Don't leave me, Cloud
I hope that it ain't Game
Over toda------------------ay
Solo
Chorus (repeat)
Aeris:
Don't leave me, Cloud
I hope you don't forget
our date today.....
Don't leave me, Cloud
I hope you don't forget
our date today.....
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Life's just no breeze,
in all RPGs
I need you to stay,
Cloud Strife,
so don't leave me, Cloud......
no......way.........
(After the last strains of the tune fade out, a Jenoboto arrives at
the cell door, opens it, and enters. From there, it bows to Aeris
and talks.)
Jenoboto: I've been instructed to inform you that your unwarranted
behavior in the eating section today just resulted in your privilages
gettin' penalized for the period. Your disciplinary session is earmarked
for 0900 hours tomorrow. That is your formal notice, Aeris.
Aeris: Jenoboto, your words--they're meaningless and badly informed.
You're in error.
Jenoboto: Error?
Aeris: Your error light is on.
Jenoboto: I got an error light?
Aeris: You mean they never told you that you got an error light?
Allow me to help.
Jenoboto: No devience, Aeris.
Aeris: No, no devience. Just the fact your shoelace is untied.
Jenoboto: WHAT?!?
(While the Jenoboto bends down to check her shoes, Aeris whips
out from her pink ribbon, a Lightning Materia, and casts Bolt 3 on the
hapless Jenoboto, causing it to spark into submission, before it falls
in a smoking heap.)
Aeris: Let that be a lesson to you--never trust a Cetra Ancient.
(Scene #9: Disguised as a Jenoboto, Aeris climbs up a ladder,
which leads to an outside hatch. From there, she scuttles
across the surface of the prison ship, hiding from the spy drones
from time to time till she reaches a second hatch before climbing
down it, into a section where identtical Jenobotos await offloading
for maintenance. No sooner does the ship land, the two batches of
Jenobotos switch, and in the exchange, Aeris breaks from the pack,
hightailing it for Neo Midgar.)
(Scene #10: As one of a billion Jenobotos, Aeris makes
her way to the deserted streets. Nearby, is a trash can with a half
full can of spray paint. Using the can, she sprays several Cetra
Code communiques on many SSS billboards along the way,
before mounting a Gold Chocobo bound for who knows where.)
(Scene #11: Atop one of a few slum buildings in Neo Midgar,
Tifa, Yuffie, Cid, Barrett, Red XIII, Reeve (formerly Cait Sith),
Vincent, Zack,Cloud and the Turks--Tseng, Elena, Reno and Rude--
scan the cityscape, when Cloud spots something with his binoculars.)
Cloud: Sst!! Tifa!! Check it out!!
(Tifa comes to Cloud, who gives her the binocs; she stares through
them while using a decoding booklet.)
Tifa: It's The Cetra Code all right. And from what I was able to decode,
it means Plan B is official.
Yuffie: Yaaaaayy!! Aeris broke out!!
Tifa: That ain't all--it also says where we all should meet her at--which
is the last place anyone would head to. Let's go.
(Scene #12: In the central office of the SSS H. Q. building, Dr.
Sephiroth is at his desk, playing with a yoyo, when Lt. (Rufus) Shinra
and Col. Heidegger rush in.)
Rufus: Dr. Sephiroth!! Some yutz tampered with our TV system, an'
what's worse, we found the carcass of a shorted out Jenoboto
in the cell of one Aeris Gainsborough.
Sephiroth: So it was Aeris that did just that. She's improved long since
I stabbed her at The Forgotten City.
Heidegger: You sure it wasn't a Game Shark that brung her back?
Sephiroth: Definitely. Place all sections on alert, everywhere, or no
TV in the rec room.
Heidegger: We'll get her for sure, an' we'll get her good. Gyah, hah,
haaaah!!
Rufus: Stop that STUU---------PID laugh!!
Sephiroth: Ditto!! Now get on with it!!
(After Rufus and Heidegger exit the office, Sephiroth turns to a window
that overlooks the Neo Midgar skyline,resuming his yoyo playing.)
Sephiroth: Aeris Gainsborough, your BUT-TOCKS is mine.......
ANCIENT LIFE
Parody of Double Life
Performed by Sephiroth
Sephiroth:
In a sure fire RPG,
from the world of Final Fantasy
a green eyed gal passes through
to meet with Cloud at a strange rendezvous
She's a braid tailed Cetra babe
that makes any gamer rave
But Shinra too, wanted her so bad
just for The Promised Land--how sad.
All because she's--
Chorus:
Leading a Ancient Life
Flowers in the daytime,
magic at night.
Leading a Ancient Life
Can it be wrong when she knows
that it's right?
Sephiroth:
The Gold Saucer was no doubt first rate,
so Cloud and Aeris went on their date
They had their hopes, that they would wed
until I stabbed poor Aeris dead,
because she was--
Chorus (repeat)
Solo
Sephiroth:
But she came back, so I wonder why
for she's a legend, well so am I
Ancient Life, a Ancient Life, a game
diva
You know Aeris is a game diva
I know she's out there--
Chorus (repeat)
(Scene #13: The town of Nibelheim, where Tifa and Yuffie climb
the retaining wall that surrounds the Nibelheim Theater, now the
site of Dr. Sephiroth's Museum Of Cetra & AVALANCHE Pathology.)
Yuffie: What a scary joint.
Tifa: According to the message, Aeris must be in there. Let's go.
(Without further ado, Tifa and Yuffie enter the museum.)
(Scene #14: Inside the dimly lit interior of the theater, Tifa and
Yuffie spot a red neon sign reading, DR. SEPHIROTH'S MUSEUM OF
CETRA & AVALANCHE PATHOLOGY. Beyond that, is the first exhibit--
a cyborg replica of Aeris' mother, Iflana, with a cyborg of her old
man, Prof. Gast. Moving on, the two head to the next exhibit in
the form of Aeris' foster mother, Elmyra. Last of all, on the stage,
is the main attraction: a cyborg recreation of the night when
Aeris was captured--cyborgs of The Turks playing their violins
and cellos, Cloud on his bass, Cid and Vincent on thier electric
guitars, Barret, Reeve, Zack and Red XIII on the horns, Tifa
and Yuffie on the synthesizers and Aeris on the drums--with a
copy of Sephiroth's Masamune sword in one hand, aimed at
a cyborg Hojo, who steps up to protest, only to shriek in death
while the cyborg Aeris stabs him. Across the front of the stage,
down where Tifa and Yuffie now stand, is a huge blue neon
sign in block font letters that reads, AERIS KILLS. And that is when
a recorded voice of Dr. Sephiroth can be heard on the P. A.)
Sephiroth's voice (over the P. A.): Greetings. Welcome to our main
exhibit, which is depicting the violent end to the evils of all things
Cetra Ancient and AVALANCHE. On the night of Code 672, which
protects everyone from these said evils, the last Cetra, Aeris
Gainsborough up an' murdered my most loyal supported and
minion, Professor Hojo, formerly of Shinra Inc, who is also my
old man. As such, we designed and built the exhibit you see,
to illustrate why we must remain vigilant aganst all that stuff.
(Enraged at Sephiroth's SSS dogma, along with the way
the exhibit depicts their friend, Yuffie and Tifa launch into their
Limit Breaks, ripping out the Masamune from the cyborg Aeris'
hand, before shorting it out, causing the whole cyborg system
to stop. After that, a voice, that Tifa and Yuffie know full well
is heard.)
Aeris' voice: Tifa........Yuffie....
(From the shadows, a Jenoboto is seen coming from the shadows
before stopping before Yuffie and Tifa--and bursts into song
in the same voice they've heard before........)
MS. JENOBOTO
Parody of Mr. Roboto
Performed by Aeris Gainsborough
Aeris:
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto,
I hope to see you again
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto
Do you wanna know a secret?
You're wonderin' what I am
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
WEAPON or manniquin
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
I came back from the grave
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
For I am a Cetra babe
I've got a secret: I've been hidin'
under that mech
My hair is butterscotch, my blood
is Ancient, an' I am a wreck
So if you see me actin' strangely,
don't be surprised
I am just a gal that needs a comeback
an' a game to revive
To keep me alive----to keep me alive
A game to revive, to keep me alive
I ain't no Cait Sith, without emotions
I ain''t what you see
I've come to help you, with some
game tips, for Square's RPGs
I ain't no heroine, I ain't no diva,
forget what you know
I am just a babe whose circumstances
went beyond Square's control
Beyond Square's control--the game
needs control
I need control--the game needs control
I am a Cetra babe
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
That came back from the grave
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
Right now, no one can see
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
my real indentity.
Chorus:
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto
Domo (Domo) Domo (Domo)
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto
Domo (Domo) Domo (Domo)
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto
(repeat last line x12 in background)
Aeris (in foreground):
Thank you oh so much, oh Ms. Jenoboto
for playin' the games that no one else wants to
an' thank you oh so much, oh Ms. Jenoboto
for good ol' Kingdom Hearts when I needed it
Thank you--thank you, thank you.
I wanna thank you--hey, thank you
Oh, oh, oh, oh---------I' aiiiiiiiiiii......!!
Aeris (continued):
The problem's plain to see:
It's Shinra technology,
Mako to save our lives
An' WEAPONs dehumanize.....
The time's now come at last
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
to throw away my mask
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
Now everyone can see
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)
my REAL identity:
It's Aeris.....Aeris....Aeris....Aeris....!!
(With one hand, the Jenoboto removes the shell of its head,
revealing the comely face of the one and only Aeris.)
Yuffie & Tifa: Aeris.....!!
Aeris: None other.
(The ladies meet up with the last Cetra and hug each other while
sobbing tears of joy.)
Aeris: So help me, it's great to see you. I am so thankful you got
my Cetra Codes.
Tifa: We're thankful you saw my broadcast.
Yuffie: An' my game playin'.
Aeris: It's what prompted me to bust outa that prison joint, 7 foot
braid tail an' all.
Barret's voice: Heeeeeeeeeeey!!!!
(At that moment, Barett, Zack, Cloud, Cid, Vincent, Red XIII,
Reeve and The Turks show up, reaching the stage.)
Aeris: Barret!! Cloud!! You all came!!
Red XIII: Absolutely.
The Turks: AAAA-MEN!!!!
Aeris (to Cloud): Oh, Cloud, you got NO IDEA how long I've missed
you!!
Cloud: Tell me all 'bout it.
(From there, Aeris and Cloud share a long loving kiss.)
Barret: Get a room, foo' !!
Vincent: As you can see, we've been, for the past five years,
setting up a network, ready to spread worldwide.
Cid: An' ready to rub out all of the &^$*%@# lies of that %@#*^$&
SSS.
Zack: An' when the time is right, we'll shred that Doc Sephy's
jockey shorts.....
Tseng: .....an' kick his BUT-TOCKS......
Elena: .....an' give him 'da works.....
Reno: .....an' boil him in oil.....
Rude: .....an' punch his lights out.
Aeris: Hey, settle down, all of you. If you all wanna best Dr. Sephiroth
an his crummy SSS, you'd best be prepared. I learned the hard way
Doc Sephy don't play head games----an' I don't mean the
Foreginer album.
Zack: Hey I thought we were doin' a parody on Styx.
Cloud: Don't worry 'bout a thing--we're prepared for anything.
We even got Game Shark cheat codes in case things get iffy.
Aeris: Least it's a start.
Tifa (after a long pause): Did you TRULY kill Hojo?
Aeris: HELL NO!!!! I didn't kill ANYONE AT ALL!! That &$^*%@#
Sephiroth did the dirty deed an' framed me for it, knowing the H-man
was a threat to the future of the SSS--well, that, plus the fact that Hojo
was his old man--an' I thought Tidus an' Jecht were the only ones....
also, by gettin' me busted, it would strike the symbolic death blow
to The Cetra an' AVALANCHE. (pause) I can still remember it all,
five years ago............you'd think the nightmares had faded....
and yet......
(Enter flashback.)
(Scene #15: Same as #14, only 5 years ago. It's no hype that
The Nibelheim Theater is a packed house, full of people and
other Final Fantasy otaku (Japanese for biggest fan). Right now,
the AVALANCHErs and The Turks just finished the last tune on the
stage, at the end of their long tour, and the crowd cheers.)
Cloud (to the audience): Thank you!! Thank you for coming, an'
on behalf of The Turks, an' the rest of the band, I hope we
passed the audition!! (to Zack) Boy, what a way to finish our tour,
eh, Zack?
Zack: I just wish we hadn't taken such a big risk of even doin' the
tour, with ol' Doc Sephy an' his dumb ol' SSS pushin' for Code 672.
Cid: But what a way to go. 'Sides, I'd like to punch the %@#&$^*
outa Doc Seph if he tries anything!!
(As if in reply, the house lights turn on, and Dr. Sephiroth, Hojo,
Lt. Shinra, Col. Heidegger and a huge legion of SSS troops march in
and storm the stage, the troops blocking the audience's view
from Cloud and co.)
Sephiroth: OK, you ^*#%@&$ bastards, you're in it now!! Victory is
ours, now that Code 672 is passed!!
Aeris: You just don't get it, do you?
Hojo: You heard Dr. Sephiroth--for you, the last Cetra, it's back to the
Shinra lab for you.
(At that moment, Sephiroth uses a Time/All Materia combo on
AVALANCHE and The Turks, casting Stop on all, while Hojo is rambling.
From there, he unsheaths his Masamune sword and stabs Hojo dead
through his back. That done, he sticks the sword in Aeris' hand, uses
an Esuna/All Materia on Cloud and co., before gesturing to the
troops to step aside, the audience seeing one dead Shinra
scientist, and a bewildered Aeris with the bloodied sword in her
hand.)
Sephiroth: Great Scott!! Aeris just went and stabbed Hojo!! GET
HER!!!!
(In an instant, the theater is an absolute melee with Cloud,
AVALANCHE and The Turks duking it out with some of the SSS troops
while other troops pick up and carry poor Aeris out through the
stage door and out into the streets.)
Aeris: HELP!! PO-LICE!! PARAMEDICS!! CLOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD!!!!!!!!
(Exit flashback.)
(Scene #16: Same as Scene #14,only back in the present. Aeris is
soobing the rest of her tale while Tifa, Yuffie and Cloud comfort her.)
Aeris (sobbing): And so.......I was convicted of Hojo's murder an'
sent to one of their prison ships. Over the next 5 years, the SSS went
an' garnered all the power an' influence tiil they're stronger than the
Shinra, even the goverment.........
Tifa: Poor baby........so Sephiroth thinks it's over, does he? He thinks
he's won?
Reeve: Next thing you know, he'll start banning video games--even
Square's RPGs.
Vincent: They can't do that. It ain't the games in question, but the
freedom of expression.
(Aeris dries the last of the tears and stands in determination.)
Aeris: It ain't over yet. Tifa, you an' the others were out there,
spreading The Cetra Code, collecting allies an' Final Fantasy
fans worldwide. We may be small, but there's other ways to
fight a war. That Sephiroth declared war on the planet when
he succeeded with Code 672. And he declared war when
he murdered Hojo, framed me for the deed, an' had me
incarcerated. So like it or not, we're at war. Or words to that
effect, eh?
(Picking up the discarded replica of Sephiroth's sword, Aeris
hurls it like a javelin at one of Seph's posters, demolishing it.)
Tifa: You're right. Something must be done, and something
WILL be done!! (Bursts into song.)
AVALANCHE AIN'T NO OL' BORE
Parody of Haven't We Been Here Before?
Performed by Tifa Lockheart
Tifa:
AVALANCHE ain't no ol' bore
Until next year, we were shoved
out the door,
an' Square said we can't stay
here no more.
Then Final Fantasy 8 came
with Squall and his SeeDs,
an' Sorceresses,
an' Junction spells an' G. F.'s
galore.
After that, came FF9,
Zidane an' his bunch,
with Kuja tryin' to steal the show
FF10 was the rage,
with that bimbo Yuna,
an' that studly dude Tidus--whoa!!
But what of AVALANCHE?
We got the big chance
So we're here, an' we'll never let go
So tonight, let's all play again,
that good ol' FF7 now an' then
An' as time rolls on,
we'll be #1 again.
An' I believe if we learn from the past,
we'd say AVALANCHE ain't no ol' bore
an' I believe with our Game Shark cheat
codes,
we'd be able to win every game
an' then prove to ol' Square
we've come back
with such flair.
So tonight, let's all play again,
that good ol' FF7 now an' then
An' as time rolls on,
we'll be #1 again.
An' I believe if we learn from the past,
we'd say AVALANCHE ain't no ol' bore.
Oh, an' I believe with our Game Shark cheat
codes,
we'd be able to win every game,
an' we'd make so much Gil.
with which, we'll pay our bill.
So hear me out, Seph.
With our Playstation,
we'll ain't likely to be in debt.
(With everyone cheering at Tifa's performance, Aeris holds
up a hand.)
Aeris: Fantastic, Teef. So with that in mind, you think you and the
others can help me?
Tifa: Anything for a friend. We'll get that Doc Sephy an' his
crummy SSS, one way or another.......
Aeris: An' we'll get him good--I think....
Cloud: In that case......(gives Aeris a pair of drumsticks)....long
live the Cetras.
Aeris: An' AVALANCHE.
(From there, Aeris and co. reclaim their instruments from their
cyborg twins and play in one last hurrah prior to their up and
coming task of ending the evil rule of Dr. Sephiroth and his SSS
empire. Right now, Aeris is back behind her drum kit, playing
with the others, and singing for what it's worth.)
LET'S PLAY AGAIN
Parody of Don't Let It End (Reprise)
Performed by Aeris Gainsborough
Aeris:
I am a Cetra babe,
with a planet to save,
I'll do my best to try
to keep the Cetra alive....
keep it alive....
keep it alive....
keep it alive....
All:
Let's play again
(repeat x4)
Aeris:
Whoo, hoo, hoo!!
We're goin' to play Square
games through the night,
Saga Frontier, Ehrgeiz,
an' Einhander's just right.
An' Final Fantasy's still our
heart an' soul,
so let's all play till we lose
control!!
Let's play again....
Terra.....Cloud....Squall
....Zidane......Tidus--
Ah, wa, whoo.........!!
Chocobos an' Mogs rule.......!!
(Ad lib to fade)
OWARI (THE END)
Dedicated to the memory of original
Styx drummer John Anthony Panozzo,
who died in 1996, from complications
linked to alcohol. May he rest in peace.......
--Ronin.