Disclaimer: I do not own Human Target and intend no copyright infringement
A/N: I got the idea for this story from another forum and couldn't resist trying it out here.
A/N 2: Shannon Vega, if you should happen to read this, I hope you don't feel that I have deliberately stolen your ideas. If you do, please send me a PM.
A/N 3: A very big THANK YOU to cedricsowner, without whose invaluable help this story would not be half as good as it is...
A/N 3: JustAWriterWannaBe: Thanks a lot for your suggestion! I included it as point 2.2.3 in the user guide ;-).
User guide and instruction manual for
Christopher Chance
Copyright SFA Inc.
Dear Customer,
Congratulations on your purchase of the new, portable, individually adjustable CHRISTOPHER CHANCE APPLIANCE (CC app).
"Everybody deserves a Chance" – true to this motto our company has been offering personalized security and protection measures for almost a decade now. Initially specializing in San Francisco based operations, we are now, with the long awaited development of the CC app, able to extend our services worldwide, to every customer in need of impromptu, no-holds-barred support in challenging situations.
L. Winston, Quality Assurance Manager
To ensure that you will obtain the best return on your investment, please read and follow these instructions carefully for your subsequent use. It is highly recommended you retain this document for future reference.
1. Description
Gender: male (very)
Height: 5' 10'' (that's 1,78m for those of you using the metric system; but don't let its average height lead you into rethinking your purchase - it's the shoulders and chest that count)
Eyes: blue
CAUTION! We are not accountable for any permanent effects (perennial smiling, melting hearts, excited squealing at periodic intervals) after looking overly long into those eyes!
Delivery method: Unfortunately, your CC app cannot be downloaded. It is likely to appear out of the blue, in the middle of the night or in the early morning hours. Unless you are planning a thorough renovation anyway, we recommend the removal of steel bars, reinforced doors and other home security measures prior to delivery. TURN YOUR SECURITY ALERT OFF. It will get past that anyway. SFA Inc. is not accountable for any damages to buildings and/or software occurring in connection with explosions or hacking.
Accessories: CC apps automatically adjust to any given situation and are able to produce a wide array of different appearances. If set to "standard", they will show up in jeans and shirt. If forced to show up for an occasion without any imminent threat perceivable, however, they might turn up barefooted and with Chinese food on the preprogrammed shirt.
WARNING! Do not use the red "order" button to solve garment issues. This button is reserved for the direst emergencies and will most probably NOT provide the intended result. If you need to address such issues, the button labeled "guilt trip" is a far better option.
All CC apps come with a wide variety of weapons, including handguns (plus appropriate ammunition) and knives (thuribles and fire extinguishers upon request), and are programmed with a "knight in shining armour"-mentality, street-tough edge and a knack for improvisation to match the AMES and ILSA apps (available separately, see catalogue).
2. Operating instructions
2.1. Goods Receipt and Functionality Check
After arrival of your CC app, it is recommended that you remove its clothing and inspect all moving parts to ensure full functionality.
It is NOT recommended that you perform this check with any significant others in the immediate vicinity. SFA Inc. cannot be held responsible for divorces, separations, jealous rages or other complications resulting from the care of your CC app.
The app is voice activated and fluent in English, Spanish, Russian, Japanese and various other languages (except French).
Be aware that your CC app is a former assassin, highly trained in martial arts, infiltration techniques, weapons handling and a number of other necessary skills. It will NOT blindly follow orders, especially ones that it considers stupid. SFA Inc. accepts no responsibility for legal costs, confinement or possible damages.
Although the main function of the CC app is to provide security and protection, we have also developed a number of add-ons, to make this a truly multi-purpose app.
Tracker
Whether through the South American jungle, the wilderness of Alaska or the streets of a major city, your CC app can track a target with the accuracy of a bloodhound. The applications of this skill measure far beyond the following of wayward princesses or the finding of lost anthropologists. Even errant millionairesses bent on revenge are no match for its skill.
Escort
The world can be a dangerous place. And there is no one better suited to protect you from all manner of threats than an ex-assassin, who knows every trick of the trade and every dirty move in the book, including some that have never been written down. Willing to interfere when it protects those it cares about, the CC app is prepared to threaten, cajole and manhandle you to make sure you are thoroughly protected.
And with its broad shoulders, charming smile and piercing blue eyes, you will be the envy of those around you wherever you show up with it, whether it be at a high-class fundraiser, an embassy ball or at the opera. It might confuse the title of the opera with a type of Italian pasta, but be assured, when the going gets tough, you could not be in better hands.
Investigator
Gathering information is a very important part of the programming for CC apps. Simply tell your app to follow your target and it will find out what they are up to. Moreover, if questioning is required, the CC app can be quite ruthless and efficient in the collection of information, especially if used together with a GUERRERO app (available separately, see catalogue).
2.2. Cleaning and Maintenance
2.2.1. Cleaning
Unlike most popular apps the CC app will suffer no adverse effects upon contact with water. On the contrary, at certain intervals a thorough cleaning of the outer surface of your app might become necessary. Please do not leave this to automated systems. Extensive lab tests have proven that a hands -on approach is recommended to make the task more efficient.
2.2.2. Maintenance
Due to the nature of its programming, your CC app might become damaged more or less frequently, depending on the uses you find for it. In those cases, after some initial grumbling the app will respond well to the application of TLC, provided it does not cross the line into "obsessive mothering". Unfortunately we are unable to provide you with a fixed set of parameters in this case.
IMPORTANT NOTICE:
For any health-related questions, the answer "I'm fine" seems to be hardwired into every CC app. This is an unfortunate design flaw which even our top programmers have not been able to eliminate yet. So in order to ensure the functionality of your CC app, please phrase your health-related questions as precisely as possible.
DON'T ASK: Are you okay?
DO ASK: Where does it hurt? What's wrong with your arm/leg/back/any other body part that seems to be damaged.
2.2.3. General issues
We have recently been informed through user feedback that CC apps tend to develop a sense of humour glitch that can produce unexpected results at intermittent intervals during operation. Please note that this is an unavoidable effect of long-term use and does not constitute a reason for an exchange or refund.
Warning: We strongly advise you to not let your CC app get bored, unless you are prepared to deal with the consequences, which can – depending on the specific level of boredom – be quite… explosive.
3. FAQ and Troubleshooting
Q: My CC app has suddenly developed a preference for three-piece-suits and glasses. Is that a sign of too much wear and tear?
A: Unfortunately we found that a few of our apps developed a glitch, resulting in the behavior described. Don't worry, it is nothing serious. Just wave a carton of Chinese take-out under its nose and the app will quickly revert to its usual mode.
To apologize for the inconvenience, we will send you at no additional charge a lazy Rottweiler dog. The perfect solution to unwanted leftovers of any kind.
Q: My CC app has disappeared. Is there any way to track it and bring it back?
A: Actually, all CC apps have a certain amount of commitment issues – a side effect of the "knight in shining armour" programming mentioned earlier (see section "accessories") – so a disappearance like this is actually a sign that your CC app has become very attached to you and fears that this attachment may put you in a level of danger it might be unable to protect you from. Lost CC apps can usually be found in an ashram in a remote corner of Nepal and recovered by giving them a stern talking-to.
Q: My CC app has been charging off doing God knows what and came back even more damaged than usual. What is going on?
A: Has your CC app perhaps met up with a BAPTISTE app? Although originally very similar in programming, due to irreparable damage done to the KATHERINE WALTERS app by the BAPTISTE app during quality testing, the very complex programming required for a fully functional CC app has resulted in an instinctive and sometimes violent incompatibility with the BAPTISTE app. An initial confrontation of those apps invariably results in damage to both apps. Additional encounters at a later time will enable the two apps to work together if necessary. However, they should not be left unsupervised for too long.