A/N - I wasn't originally going to post this here, but it is fanfiction...and I did write it, so...HERE IT IS! XD Uh, this was written for my buddy "Plushabilities" since her birthday was yesterday, so this crack-fic was written for "birthday-lulz" and succeeded, very much so...

NO! I do not own Soul Eater or any of the characters represented in this fic. They belong to Ohkubo & others. Yup. They do. :D HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAN! X3

Breaking It To the Boss

It was just like any ordinary day inside Arachnophobia's stronghold, Baba Yaga's Castle. The halls were their normal dark and dank selves, the minions were scurrying nervously as per usual, and Arachne's regular meetings with her most trusted followers inside the Queen Spider's Lair were occurring like every other day, to the smallest detail.

"Where's Giriko," she said listlessly, her face hidden behind her black webbed fan. Her body propped upon a spider web, Mosquito and Mifune had arrived on time, standing beside her weaved throne, but their impatience grew with each passing second that Giriko did not arrive.

Mosquito's face grew bright red, his fists clenched and shaking. "Arachne-sama, why don't we just start this meeting without that drunk? His purpose isn't even that vital," he said, choking on his angered words.

Delicate chuckles rose from her weaved net and Arachne lightly waved her fan. "You're quite mistaken, Mosquito. It was Giriko who called this meeting in the first place," she said.

Mifune merely raised an eyebrow as Mosquito exploded with pent-up rage. "He called this meeting?!" His voice boomed throughout the room, Arachne's web swaying softly to the rough vibrations.

"Mosquito, please, Giriko will be here shortly. Just be patient," she said softly, her eyes rolling in response to Mosquito's loss in composure.

But there was no turning back for Mosquito; when it came to Giriko, he just couldn't keep in his hate and rage for that vulgar chainsaw. "Arachne-sama, that's impossible! This happens every meeting; he arrives an hour late, usually hung-over, and he has absolutely no respect for this foundation you have formed! He's ruthless and I refuse to show him even the slightest bit of proper manners. He's a nuisance and…"

"And?"

Mosquito's timing could not have been better, for Giriko had just entered the room, an insane smirk lining his face. "No, go on. I'd like to hear more."

Glaring at the latecomer, Mosquito shut his mouth, his lips quivering with rage. "You disgust me," he said softly, his attention locking onto Arachne.

She sighed, pointing her fan at Giriko. "Well, now that we've got some pent-up anger released, would you like to begin, Giriko? You told me this was very important."

A serene smile suddenly fell upon Giriko's face, along with a dreamy sigh, very uncharacteristic of the heretic. "You guys," he started, his cheeks blushing in a rosy pink, "I figured that you should be the first to know since I'm always with you guys and stuff. This is a really big thing for me so I thought it was about time to come out and tell you that...I'm a homosexual."

The webbed fan dropped from Arachne's hand, falling to the ground with a clack. Mosquito's eyes bulged further out, the perfect spheres round and shaking. Mifune continued nibbling on the piece of straw in his mouth.

"You…you're GAY?!" Arachne's face contorted with a mix of confusion and repulsion.

Glancing away embarrassed, Giriko let out an awkward chuckle. "Yeah, I am."

Stunned, Arachne leaned her neck forward, choking on her words. "Is this a joke? I mean, I've been with you for 800 years. I think I would've known by now!"

Giriko sighed, looking off into random space, his face filling with a sickeningly giddy expression. "Actually, I didn't know myself. But lately, I've been having these amazing sexual fantasies involving that priest from Shibusen."

Nearly losing his lunch, Mosquito stared at Giriko, the corners of his mouth turning up in a grotesque fashion. "He's the enemy!"

"He's seventeen," Arachne added, annoyed.

"He's so cute," Giriko said, ignoring his colleagues' protests.

Groaning, Arachne rolled her eyes and glared down at Giriko. "Is that all you wanted to say? That you're gay and that you want to screw that death scythe kid?"

"Well," Giriko said, making an unsure face.

An awkward silence filled up the room, affecting the atmosphere devastatingly.

Mosquito gave a fatigued sigh. "There's more?"

Giriko grunted, resting his hands on his hips. "Yes, old man, there's more." Taking a deep breath, Giriko focused solely on Arachne, his eyes gleaming with determination. "I've decided to disband from Arachnophobia to make my sexual fantasies come true and hook up with that priesty boy toy from Shibusen."

With no other response fathomable, Arachne and Mosquito simply stood there, staring at Giriko with their jaws dropped. No noise could escape them; there were no words to say. Complete and utter disbelief filled their faces.

"Well, I'm going now! It's been fun babysitting you Arachne, but your boobs just don't do anything for me. Later!" Frolicking away gaily, Giriko left the Arachnophobia to join his beloved.

Mifune sighed and walked toward the large doors that led into the halls of Baba Yaga's castle. "I can't believe you guys didn't realize he was gay," he said, spitting the piece of straw from his mouth and onto the ground.

Arachne and Mosquito couldn't move for days; the shock still haunts them.