Disclaimer: I seriously don't own Hetalia. So don't think that I do. :'D

this story contains one-sided RussiaxBelarus and not-so-one-sided RussiaxUSA, and also has a few curse words tossed in for good measure, not to mention a little drop of gore. so.

oh, and angst. because i like me some angst.

Big Brother, I'm Sorry…

Avio Favalon

A Hetalia fanfic

Big Brother… I'm sorry…

The words were soft and crackly off of her lips, her voice breaking slightly.

So sorry… I… I completely fucked up…

She could remember everything clearly, yet at the same time it was blurred and fast-paced. The biggest mistake of her life.

Natalia had always known; no matter how much she gave her words of love and devotion to him, he would never love her back. Not like that. Not ever.

Not that it ever stopped her. What else could she do? He was her reason for living, and if she gave up on that, what was she? No, despite the truth, she could never stop her pursuit.

She had heard about him and that boy. She'd even seen a few of their small exchanges, only to look away and pretend it never happened. The few times she'd admit to herself that little truth, she told herself that he was only an infatuation. Ivan would forget him eventually, and come to her. This is the lie she told herself, and no matter how many times she ran into Alfred on her way to Ivan's home, she stood by it.

Small exchanges and run-ins, however, were completely different from walking in on- Well, after seeing that, she could no longer convince herself.

Her carefully-constructed world of lies crashed and tumbled all around her the moment she barged into his room, where she caught them kissing in bed. They were pretty dressed-down, though Ivan still wore his scarf. It was like someone had just driven one of her own knives into her abdomen. She remembered feeling it break, all of her hard work to stay in her illusions.

Her hand flew to her mouth, tears burning at the corner of her eyes. At that moment, Natalia was no longer the frightening young woman who stalked her older brother and threatened anybody near; she was just a young girl who'd just had her heart completely broken in a split second.

Her mind barely registered the furiously-blushing Alfred, and the look of concern on Ivan's face before she fled from the scene. She could feel the sobs building up inside her.

She tried to run for the door, but ended up tripping, collapsing in the hallway, tears streaming down her face.

All of those years of telling herself lies, willfully drowning in delusion, only to be slapped in the face like this, of all the possible ways she could've been rejected. Like, completely rejected.

All of those years of devotion and vigilance, patience and tenaciousness, playing this sick game of pretend in her head, all of them came to this.

Finding her beloved older brother with Alfred. It had to be Alfred. The very man Ivan had had a long-ass pissing contest with, only for it to come to this. The two of them… like that…

It was far too much for her.

So she sat and wept in the ruins of her delusions, broken on the floor, suddenly wishing she hadn't come, or that she'd listened to Toris when he'd told her she should go home instead of barging in upon her arrival. Of course she hadn't listened; why would she? Today was supposed to be a normal day, after all, and normally, she would have barged in anyways.

Why couldn't she be different today? Why?

Why?

A hand gently placed itself on her shoulder, and she could feel the cold through the material of her dress.

Her gaze shot up to look at her older brother, a look- no, a mask of concern on his face. Her eyes widened as another rip went through her heart. Why did he have to come after her? Why couldn't he just stay with his stupid lover, that stupid American that just had to come along and rip up her web of lies, and let her be? Anger began to find its way from the remnants of her heart. How dare he pretend to care now, all of a sudden?

"Natalia…" He said softly, looking somewhat nervous. "I-"

"Save it," she snarled, her voice filled with venom. "I know you never did, and never would, love me. Not the way that I love you. I even knew about you and him." She spat out the last word

He didn't answer. She glowered at him, her heartbreaking making way for anger.

"I just wasn't expecting that, of all things. I mean, really, Ivan." she gave a bitter laugh.

"Natalia… I never loved you like that, b-but… Y-youu're still my sister and-"

"Shut it, Ivan!" She snapped, and before she knew it, there was a blossom of red on his chest. Then another, and another, and another…

Then he was still. Completely, and utterly, still. Unmoving. Immobile. …Dead.

And it was Natalia who killed him.

She stared at him, his blood soaking through his scarf, and all over her and her clothes.

She dropped her knife and screamed.

The scream broke into more sobs.

What had she done? What the fuck had she done? She could feel all the warmth leave her body as this new truth slammed itself into her mind repeatedly.

There was a lost-sounding whimper from behind her, and she turned to see Alfred. "Wh-what… did you do?" He stumbled toward Ivan's body, his own tears starting to fall. "I-Ivan? Ivan? Wh-why are you all bloody? H-hey, Ivan… y-you can't die… b-because… because I'm the hero, a-and I'll save you…" He sounded like he didn't want to believe it. Ivan was already dead, and there was Alfred going on about how he was going to save his life.

Natalia watched as Alfred began to weep by her brother's body. Her own shock at herself was starting to be pushed away; anger was once again rising within her. What right did he have to weep like this? What right? He had none! It was all of his fucking fault!

This dawned on her with full force. She no longer cared about the truth - it was not Alfred's fault, it was hers - and her wish for her delusions plunged her into anger and madness.

In just a few moments, Alfred was just like Ivan. Completely void of life. Gone. Deceased.

Dead.

Natalia was sobbing into her knees, her precious brother's scarf in one hand, her knife in the other. She was completely covered in blood. She drifted in and out of sanity, though staying in madness longer and longer.

During a brief moment of somewhat-clear thinking, she cried out her apology, her voice soft and breaking.

Soon enough, a new truth dawned on her:

I do not deserve to live.

No, she sure as hell didn't deserve to live. What would she have to live for anyways? She had literally taken her entire reason to live and destroyed it. It was worse than any sin, any blasphemy that could ever be committed.

In the back of her mind, she knew the truth.

It was all her fault, and she did not deserve to live.

She lifted her head and looked at the corpses of her dear older brother and his lover. Her eyes slowly moved to where she held the scarf, then fell upon the knife in her other hand.

I do not deserve to live.

That knife was fated to take another life, and take another life it did.

And then, she, too, was dead.

A/N: yeahsoaheh. Avio here, and I deeply apologize if I totally butchered everyone's personalities; I haven't written fanfics since, like, a good six years ago. x'D when everything consisted of the usual twelve-year-old mary-sues and such. Derp.

I have, however, been roleplaying Belarus a lot lately, so I suppose I can't say I've been /completely/ out of practice. ;;

Butumyeah. Despite how inaccurate it may be, I still had fun writing it… I have way too much fun writing angsty Belarus. :'D

Yeeah. Lately I've been reading a lot of crazy-as-shit fics and such, and then earlier I was drawing moemoe Belarus and somehow ended up drawing some angsty Belarus and thus this story was born! :'D

Again, I apologize if it's horrible. .

I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, and thank you for being so kind as to read all the way through! 3;;

also. reviews to feed Russia-chan shimeji, da?

And just for that, I love you already. C':

~Avio Favalon