Author: Elina

Summary: "How did it end up this way?"

Disclaimer: These people? Not mine.

Feedback: Always appreciated.

Author's note: Written in 20 minutes. My record. Someone, I can't remember who, on the J/D list complained that angst isn't appreciated enough. I took that as a challenge *g*. You called for angst, I'll give you angst.

Rating: R

***

Have you found the perfect one yet?

Have you found the one? She asks. She tells you. She smiles at you. And you think, 'hey, this is not what I called for'. She's the one, you say, but you know you're just saying that so that the universe won't blow storms at you. That you won't take another fall. Then you turn around and you see me. You ask. You tell me. You smile at me.

But I'm not there. I'm not really there. It's a shadow of me that you see.

How did it end up this way? My plane has left the ground, it's flown through the clouds and entered the space between Here and Nowhere. But you're not in it. How did it end up this way?

She smiles to you. She asks if everything is OK. And you smile, you smile that smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes, they don't sparkle, not the way they did with me. But they don't scream with hatred either, not the way they did with me. You hold her hand but the warmth of your body is colder than before. But she doesn't know, because she hasn't had you. You. You. You. It has always been you. Us. How did it end up this way?

There was a note on the table. I left it there for you. Forgive me, it said, forgive me for leaving you like this. Forgive me for not ever finding my way in. It said much more, too. But you never got it. The wind grabbed it, made it dance and together they flew to the sky. And you won't understand. You won't even ever know. When they find me, you won't understand and you won't know. I was leaving you anyway, so who cares if it's this way? But you won't understand.

You never did, did you?

Pierced through my heart, they'll say, the knife, pierced through my heart. Just like your words. I didn't do it. You have to believe me: It wasn't me. It was somebody else. I watched that someone take that knife, I watched the hand reach out and take the knife. I watched the blade gleam in the moon light. I'd been crying the entire night, for you. He was standing in the corner. The entire time. I didn't see him. You have to forgive me. I didn't see him.

I begged him. I cried and I begged. His eyes were cold, his hands even colder. I didn't want to do it. He made me to. He pushed me on the floor and made me to. It didn't hurt. Not as much as I thought it would. I just lay there and it didn't hurt, not much. It didn't hurt when he did all those horrible things to me.

Do you believe there's something on the other side? On the other side of what, you'd ask and smile. Your dimples would light up the dark. I'm not afraid of the dark, don't worry. I'm not afraid of the dark. There's light in the dark. There's always light in the dark. It's not that scary, drifting away, you should know, you've been here, you should know. But you came back. I won't.

He kept hurting me, but I didn't feel anything anymore. It didn't hurt. It's just cold. His hands were cold around my wrists. It didn't hurt, don't cry. Don't cry.

I closed my eyes and thought about you. I thought about all the horrible things we said to each other and how I can never take them back now. And I cried, not because he's hurting me but because you are. And I'm too. I cried because now you'll never know how much I really cared.

It didn't hurt when he pierced my heart with that knife. My heart's been pierced before, it's grown numb. It didn't hurt.

Now he's gone.

And so am I.