SUMMARY: Now Buffy's gone, what is Dawn feeling? A short little ficlet.
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, if I did, I wouldn't be writing this story.
A Teenage Diary- by Kiara
"...Dawn, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For Me."
For my fifth birthday, I remember her giving me a Barbie. She told me that she had saved her pocket money for three weeks and brought it all by herself. This year, she gave me her life. Aren't I the lucky one?
Why? What was the point? It should've been me. I started it; I was supposed to finish it. But I couldn't and now she's dead. Dead; I hate that word. It's so cold. So...final. Well, I guess death is kinda final, huh?
Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That's who she was; 'a warrior of the light' but not to me. She was my annoying big sister who wouldn't let me do anything. She was the one who tried to be Mom, but could never quite get it right. She was my protector, my confidant, my hero; and now she's gone.
And she's not even gone, not really. We can't move on, or grieve properly because of that stupid robot that's pretending to be her. Sure it looks right and slays right, but the emotions and the feelings are all wrong. Buffy was never that chipper. Stupid robot.
Buffy was the brave one, she looked after me, was the big sister. And now she has left me on my own. Dad hasn't even phoned, so all I've got are her friends. How could she do that to me? She knows I hate being alone, but she still left me: 'The hardest thing in this world is to live in it', she says. But I think the hardest thing in this world is to be alone in it. Like I am. And I can't bring myself to hate her for it. That would make things sooo much easier, but I don't really think I deserve the easy way out. Not after what I've done, not after all the pain I've caused just by existing.
I told Willow and Tara that it should've been me who died. They went really quiet. They didn't deny it. That was the worst thing. Everyone knows that if it wasn't for me then none of this would have happened. They wish I never came; I can see it in their eyes. They say they love me, and maybe they do, but they could have done without me.
Except for Buffy. She couldn't; maybe that's why she went through the portal, she couldn't live without me. Willow said that, before everything kicked off that final time, Buffy had gone all weird cause she thought I was dead and it was her fault; like she'd killed me. I didn't really understand that. But in the end she didn't kill me, I killed her.
I shouldn't have got myself captured, I should have fought harder to get away, I should have jumped. I shouldn't have been born or made or whatever. But I didn't and I was, and it's too late to change any of that, you can't change the past through wishing or crying over it. I heard this saying:
"A million words will not bring you back, I know because I've tried. Neither will a million tears, I know because I've cried."
I know of several people who would agree with that, they're all downstairs talking about what to do with me. They won't let anything bad happen to me; I'm the last part of Buffy they have left. I think they feel they owe it to her or something. I'm not complaining; I don't see anyone else queuing up to take me on.
That's another thing about Buffy; when mom died, she looked after me without any question. I know I didn't question it; I assumed she'd take care of me and she did. Right up until the end she never stopped taking care of me, even if I wanted her too. God, I miss her so much. I can't stop thinking about her, whether it's my nightly-nightmare when I'm on the top of the tower, or I see something and think 'Buffy will love that' and then it suddenly hits me that she isn't around to love it.
There's been one night I haven't had the 'tower nightmare'- my birthday. It was just over a week after Buffy died, so you can imagine the mood everyone was in; we didn't really celebrate it.
But that night I had this weird dream. Buffy was okay. I think she was in heaven, and she told me that everything was alright and she was happy and that it wasn't my fault.
But it was only a dream; in reality she's in some hell dimension and I'll never see her again. I wish I could see her just one more time; when we were up there on the tower, together for the last time, it didn't really sink in and she did all the talking. I never got to say goodbye.
I never told her that I didn't think she was a dork really; I guess she was kinda my hero (I'd never tell her that in a million years). I wish I could have told her that I loved her, and say thanks for protecting me. I know that it would have been easier to kill me before the ritual, but she didn't give up on me; I don't think she ever will, I mean she gave her life for me. Me! Little Dawnie! That's got to mean a lot; I know it does to me.
Anyway; I have decided to stop this diary. It was supposed to help me sort out my feelings. But I don't think they're meant to be sorted. Not any more. Life's to upside down and inside out and completely wrong for a diary to fix. I can't decide what I feel through writing in a diary; otherwise I'd just put 'I'm going to be happy today' and I would be. I don't want to relive each moment of my probably short life as I write it all down; all this crap has taught me that much. 'Carpe Diem' or whatever.
So; I'm going to do what Buffy wanted me to and I'm going to do it for both of us: Dream as if I'll live forever; live as if I'll die tomorrow, after all, this is the Hellmouth. You never know when your number is up. Buffy didn't.
I'll make you proud, Buffy; I'll live for me and for you, I promise.
Signed, For the Last Time; Dawn Summers.
Dawn placed the purple fuzzy pen down on her bed. She picked up a sheet of carefully rewritten song words and spread glue on the back. She turned to the next blank page of her diary and spread out the paper so that it left no more wrinkles.
She looked over the song, even though she knew it by heart. It had played on the radio the day after Buffy's death and she hadn't been able to get it out of her head since.
So she had changed a few words and felt that it summed up what she was feeling perfectly; so it went in the diary with all her innermost thoughts and feelings:
"I'm so tired of being here. Suppressed by all my childish fears.
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave,
Cause your presence still lingers here, And it won't leave me alone.
These wounds won't seem to heal, This pain is just too real,
There's just too much that time can not erase.
When I cried you'd wipe away all of my tears, When I'd scream you'd fight away all of my fears.
And you held my hand through all of my years, But you still have all of me.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light, Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams, Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me.
These wounds won't seem to heal, This pain is just too real.
There's just too much that time can not erase.
When I cried you'd wipe away all of my tears, When I'd scream you'd fight away all of my fears.
And you held my hand through all of my years, But you still have all of me.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,
But though they're still with me, I've been alone all along.
When I cried you'd wipe away all of my tears, When I'd scream you'd fight away all of my fears.
And you held my hand through all of my years, But you still have all of me."
The diary of Dawn Summers was complete.
THE BEGINNING