"I see him out there.
Almost every night and it breaks my heart.
He'll never accept my advances. I told him once and he laughed, "but we're such good friends. You don't want to ruin that do you?" he thought I was joking.
I see him outside of work with that girl of his. The fiery redhead. Amy doesn't have shit on me.
I'm the one that loves him. It's me, all me but he can't see that. She's clouded his mind and now she has to go. I wanted to get rid of her for so long but my love of Matt has always stopped me.
I watch him working out and he speaks to me. Not with words. Not as anyone else would understand but with the body language reserved for lovers. He looks at me and I feel all my cares floating away. I remember when we were younger. Not that much younger mind you but young enough. I fell and he was there to lift me up. I hurt myself and he was there with that healing touch he possesses. I love that touch because it lingers, it fulfills where others cannot.
I'm not sure if anyone notices but every time I'm without him I talk about him constantly. On my website and in my private journal, the one that no one sees. When his girlfriend is not at his side we're inseparable.
Just look at these photos. There we are on the beach. It's beautiful isn't it? Note the way the light shows his abs and pecs. And if you're like me you'll look deeper, lower. You'll see the eternal light and the way his board shorts cling just so, when they're wet.
He's so sensible and straight forward. I remember the look he gave me when I got my navel pierced. I made sure to show him when we were alone just in case one thing should lead to another.
I thought I saw the glimmer of lust in his eyes but then Amy came in and it vanished. She started poking my fresh piercing and I winced, when I looked down it had started to bleed. Matt was the one that pushed her aside and held a damp cloth to my stomach until the bleeding stopped. He wouldn't take it away until I swore I was feeling better.
Amy looked jealous and I'm glad.
He always talks about her. Especially when she's not around. He always tells me, "it's just like a fairy-tale." He nudges me and tells me that in fairy-tales you always end up with the one you love. It's like a knife through me when he says that but I can shield my emotions better now.
"But what if you're meant to be with someone else and the fairy -tale is only suppose to keep you busy?" I say and I look for that faint trace of longing that was there so long ago.
It's gone now and it's all her fault.
He took me aside at a house show recently and showed me a beautiful engagement ring. My heart leapt to my throat I almost hugged him. Then he plunged the knife deep into my abdomen and began to twist it.
"Do you think she'll like it?"
I was heart broken I could only turn away and nod. He proposed to her later that night and I didn't know what to do. He proposed in front of the entire locker room. I left early I faked an illness and went back to my hotel room in tears. I just cried for hours. My face was burning from the tears and my chest was tight when I heard the knock at the door. I wiped my face on yesterday's shirt and I ran my finger's through my hair. I opened the door and there he was. I let all the year's frustration build up and pour out within seconds.
Matt looked worried, he stepped inside and held me until I stopped crying. He rocked me back and forth like a small child. All these years I had longed for his embrace and there she was to rip it away.
"Matt what are you doing in here?" she looked concerned but I could tell she was faking it. She patted my knee and told me that whatever was wrong her and Matt could make it all better. I glared at her through the curtain of my tears, "and what could you do?"
I put her on the spot by saying that, she didn't know what to do. "We can try to help. That's all we can do."
"I know what you can do." I said momentarily freed by my emotion and the contact between Matt and myself, "you can go to hell and take your precious ring with you."
Matt damn near threw me away to comfort his god damned other half. He looked at me as though I were some sort of dirty whore that he had finished with and then tossed aside. He crossed his arms over his chest and raised his voice to a volume I'd never heard before,
"SHANE HELMS! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!!"
it was then that I turned for the window and jumped.
They say I'm dying. Matt hasn't left my side. I showed him my journal, the private one. I thought he would be scared off but he held me and told me that he never knew I was serious and that he would never of made fun if he had known.
As I breathed my last breath I thought I saw that glimmer of lust but, you know, I could have been mistak…"