Darkest After Dawn

by zooloochick15

I tweeked the fates of Kem and the baby from the way it happened in the episode Midnight. Kem haters witll appreciate the change, really you will! But is it the reason Carter has possibly turned to drugs again? Read and find out! ONE SHOT STORY!

Title: "Darkest After Dawn"

Author: Beth B.

E-mail: zooloochick15netscape.net

Category: Carter angst/Drama/Ensemble cast Ratings: PG (for minor language)

Spoilers: episode 10. 21 "Midnight"

Archive: 5/8/04 Disclaimer: Believe me, if I owned ER there never would have been a Kem. But then this story never would have come to be. Oh well, its here. I do own Dr. Mainer, the patients, and their families.

Author's Note: This is a post "Midnight" episode. I just changed that Carter's baby's fate wasn't the same as it was in "Midnight".

Summary: No person with any ounce of humanity in them would make Carter's baby die! That's just wrong. So I changed it to what I would have had happen.

Part I
John Carter was in a daze as he got out of bed. It was going to be a long day, his first day back to work since...it happened. He had been at home for two straight weeks. He needed time to heal. He missed her, his wife to be. She was, or so he thought, the love of his life. But now, in retrospect, he looks back and thinks that maybe that wasn't true at all. Maybe he just convinced himself that Kem as perfect, solely because she was so different from Abby. He had really loved Abby, but he felt like she didn't love him. She only made small attempts to recover from her drinking, and tried to quit smoking more times then he could count, and she never wanted help or comfort from anyone when something was going on with her family. He tried his best to do whatever he could for her, whether it was to encourage her to go to a meeting or to just leave her alone, he did it. And he did it with love. In the end, while he was in Africa, he decided after pondering what Maggie had said a few months earlier, he ended it. She had said that he had to be ready to accept Abby if she never changed, and he couldn't do it anymore. Carter felt that at one point he could, but he just couldn't fight the endless battles of their relationship and her life and his life over and over again. He had fought practically to the death, and it just wasn't worth the effort anymore. He loved Abby, always and forever, but he wasn't strong enough, emotionally or physically, to want for her what she didn't want for herself. But it seemed, the last time he worked, before it happened, that she was doing great on her own. She was back in med school and possibly had found a new boyfriend, that guy on the motorcycle. He didn't know what had happened with that, but it was only three days before it happened.

He went to the kitchen of the town house that he and Kem and the baby were going to live in together. He had pictured it, so perfect, in his mind. They would bond and be happy, like a real family. That would have been completely new and different for Carter. His brother died when he was young and his family traveled often, not leaving time to talk about Bobby or their family, or anything. Everyone, especially his mother wanted to press on with life, like nothing had happened, like Bobby had never existed. He went to the refrigerator. He saw the canister of formula and cans of baby food. They were so cute and small. Carter had really been looking forward to seeing Kem as a mother, until it happened. He walked through the house, memorized by all that reminded him of her. The décor that she had picked out, the African food that she liked to eat, everything carried her memory in it. It was so hard for him to just go back to work and try to move on after her. Carter didn't have a choice, he had to earn his living and after all that's happened, he wasn't about to give up the only other thing that was good in his life, his job as an ER doc. It's true, there's no money, no power, and no glory, but it was what he loved, and it was one of the only constants in his life now. Carter looked down at the toast and coffee in front of him and pushed it aside in disgust. "I can't eat, I can't sleep, and soon I won't be able to function. How am I supposed to move on like nothing happened? I lost her, forever, and basically it's my fault, all my fault." He began to cry softly, but then stopped. "There's no point in getting all upset again. I just have to suck it up and make it through today, and tomorrow, and everyday from now until I die."

Carter dragged himself to his room to get ready for work. He dressed in silence, and when he was about to leave he saw something on the floor next to his bed, a picture in a frame. It was taken the day that carter played hookie from work, about 6 months ago. Kem was about to go back to Africa, and they spent the day together. They had gone ice skating and while they were there, they asked someone to take a picture. It was so sweet. Carter could feel the soft touch of her lips on his cold cheek that day; it was something he would never forget. Just then he heard it, a soft cry coming from the next room. He put the picture on the night stand, and hurried to the cry, "Don't worry baby, I'm coming." Carter ran into the room to the crying baby in a crib. He picked the baby up and held him. "Its okay, Daddy's here. Everything is okay."

Part II
Carter held onto the baby carrier with one hand and held the newspaper with the other as he rode the El to work. On the outside, it seemed like he was reading the morning news peacefully, but on the inside Carter was a wreck. He put the paper down in his lap and put his head on the window behind him, and whispered to himself, "How am I going to handle this?" This was one of several questions he had been asking himself for weeks. He had been perfectly fine with the idea of sharing the parental responsibilities with Kem, but he wasn't at all sure that he could do it alone. "It let it happened. It's my fault that I am in the position I am in. If I had listened to my better judgment, Kem would be with me right now. He closed his eyes and went through it again in his mind....

Flashback: the night "it" happened: "John! John I think it's time!" Carter was reading a book in a lawn chair in the backyard of their town house. Kem seemed anxious and excited. This was it; it was time for the birth of their child. "Okay, are you sure you still want to have the baby at home?" Kem nodded. "Yes, we live here; it's the best place for the baby to be born. How is a child supposed to feel really at home if home is not good enough or it to be born in?" They kissed a long kiss. "Alright then, let's get ready for the home birth of our son." End of flashback.

Carter was interrupted by the abrupt stop of the El train, this was his stop. He picked up the baby and carefully got off. Carter was shaken by the familiarity of his surroundings. He had gotten of this train and walked down those stairs to the hospital dozens of times, but this time was different, he wasn't alone. He was with his son, who he was to raise alone. "Don't worry Jake, we'll be fine." Carter steadily walked down the steps toward the street. He was looking forward, lost in his thoughts, acting solemn. All of a sudden, he heard something behind him. "Carter!" It was getting closer. It sounded deep and feminine. "Carter? Is that you?" He turned slowly. "Oh, Sam, it's just you." Sam pretended to be hurt. "Nice to see you too, Carter. Seriously though, I'm fine. But forget me, how have you been doing?" Carter looked to Jake, sitting wide-eyed in his carrier, without a care in the world. "We're okay. I have been better, but I'm hanging in there." Sam stayed beside him as they started to walk towards the hospital. "Are you sure you're ready to be back, people would completely understand if you need more time." "Carter smiled at Sam, she was nice, and seemed genuinely concerned for how Carter was doing. "I'm fine Sam, really. Aren't we fine Jake?" Jake gives Carter an odd look. "See, we're fine. How have things been with you and Luka?" Sam was put off by the question. It wasn't inappropriate, but it seemed odd that he would just randomly ask about that. "Uhh, great. Things are great." Carter quickened his pace and walked past an ambulance with bounce in his step. He yelled back to her. "I'll see you inside." Carter walked in through the ambulance bay doors and signed in at the desk. "Good morning, how has everyone been?" Jerry was at the computer and looked up at Carter's arrival. "Hey, Carter, how are you doing? Happy to be getting back to work?" "Jerry, I'm great, Jake's great. Everything is great. I'm going to run Jake to daycare and then I'm going to see some patients." He put Jake's carrier on the desk and walked to the board. "I'll take the knee lack, the back pain, and the severe migraine. I'll be back down in 10." Carter whistled as he strolled to the elevator, and saw Abby walking the opposite direction. "Good morning Abby, how have you been?" Carter didn't wait to hear the answer, he just continued down the hall. Abby looked at Carter in amazement. "Has he been here long enough to be sniffing to the nitro already?" Jerry stared at her for a minute, and then said, "No, he's just happy." "That's good, I guess." Haleh had been there the whole time, and was equally baffled by Carter's good mood. "Today should be interesting." Abby nodded. "Very."

Part III
Carter's good mood had deteriorated by lunch. He had been really busy, without having 10 minutes to stop and go check on Jake. Carter hurried up to the board to see who was next to be seen in triage. "Jerry, what the hell is taking x-ray so long? I've been waiting for the films on my wrist fracture guy for over an hour!" "Sorry, I'll call radiology again." Carter growled in frustration, as he was scouring the desk for something. "And what the hell happened to the labs on Balboa? Why is it that every time I turn around someone has taken labs or x-rays that me or another doctor needs? Jeez, I take a little time off and this whole place goes to hell!" Jerry was pulled from Carter's rant when the MICN was beeping. "This is County on Med 1, what do you have?" "This is Unit 22. We have a 17 year-old male with a GSW to the chest. BP is 100/50, pulse ox 90, he's on 5 liters of Os by mask, but he's bradying down." "What's your ETA Unit 22?" "About 3 minutes." Carter brushed by Jerry after Unit 22 signed off. "Jerry page Corday for a surgical consult, and alert x-ray and CT. Tell 'em not to take the whole damn day getting here!" Jerry turned back to Sam, who had been at the desk, getting a chart for a patient. "I guess he isn't in such a chipper mood anymore." Sam shook her head slowly. "I guess not."

Flashback: the night "it" happened
Kem was lying on the bed, sweating and breathing heavily. "John, it hurts." He kissed the top of her head. "I know, but it won't be much longer." His voice became louder. "Will it, Dr, Mainer?" "A kind-faced woman doctor, around Carter and Kem's age looked up to them. "Everything is fine and it won't be long. She's about eight centimeters dilated." Carter and Kem hold hands as she continues to try to breathe. Just then Kem feels pain. "Oww, oh that hurt! Something is wrong; I can tell that that wasn't normal. Dr. Mainer, please tell me what's wrong." Dr. Mainer checked her quickly and sighed. "You've got some bleeding, that's a bit heavy, but not cause for alarm. Well, not yet. I'll keep a close eye on it." Carter kissed Kem and tried to comfort her. "Everything will be fine, I promise." "Are you sure John, because I'm getting worried? If it's not really normal then why isn't it cause for concern?" Carter didn't know how to answer that. He just looked at her, with worry in his eyes. End of flashback

Carter huffed down the hall to Exam 4, and picked up a couple of trauma gowns on the way. "Abby, GSW to chest coming in, there 2 minutes out." He threw the gown at Abby, and left without a word. "Okay." She went to the doorway and watched him hurry down the hall. Luka was coming along and saw her standing there. "Hey, what's wrong?" "Oh, it's Carter, he's acting so weird. This morning he couldn't have been happier, which was odd, and now he's nastier then Weaver on a double shift, which is odd." "Don't worry about him, he'll be fine. He lost the woman he loves and is raising a baby alone. Give him sometime and he'll get back to normal." Luka started down the hall and then stopped, and thought about what he had just said, and whether he was right. Luka shook his head, and whispered to himself, "Yeah, he'll be fine."

Luka went outside to see Carter sitting on the curb waiting for the GSW victim. "Hey Carter, having a good first day back?" Carter looked at him, his eyes were all red. Luka became concerned for his friend. "Hey, what's wrong?" "Nothing, it's just that...I'm fine one minute, and I'm falling apart the next. I don't know what to do." "Have you thought about talking to someone, like a professional therapist or something?" Carter looked at Luka for a minute and then looked at the ground. "I guess that's a no." Carter nodded, not looking up from the ground. "I don't know what there is to talk about. Kem is gone and I'm raising our baby alone. End of story." "Carter, you don't' want to end up as bad as you did after Lucy died. Learn from the past." They both could hear the ambulance getting close. "Thanks Luka, I'll keep that in mind. You're right; I don't want to get in over my head again." The rig pulled up and the paramedics got out and gave them the bullet. Carter took the rear as Luka ran the trauma. Luka and the paramedics took the GSW victim inside as Carter followed. He made sure no one was around to hear him. "Why can't everyone just mind there own damn business?!" He didn't scream it, or say it to anyone in particularly, but he was just needed to get it off his chest. Carter figured that if he wanted to take drugs or drink, that would be his choice. Carte didn't want people trying to help him, because he was going to be fine. He could run his life, and his son's life.

Part IV
They were in trauma 2 now, in the process of trying to stabilize the boy. Luka was tubing him. "Okay, I'm in, bag him. Get a portable chest and a gram of Anseph." Carter put his stethoscope to listen to the boy's lungs. "Breath sounds absent on the right, he needs a chest tube. Prep and drape, 36 french.... Okay the chest tube is in with 600 CCs of output in the Thoreau seal." Carter palpated his abdomen. "Abdomen is soft and non tender. GCS is still 15. We should call surgery when we get the films." Luka nodded. "Yeah, I'll do it. Carter I can handle this from here, the boy is stable. If you want to go back to work, that's fine." "No, I'll stay. Do we have any ID?" Lily showed Carter the wallet that was in the boy's pant's pocket. "His name is Michael DeSalle, he's 23." A nurse walked in the room with some x-rays. Luka took them and put them on the light box. "Chest films are here. The bullet is sitting in a vein in his lung, it could embolize at any moment. He needs to go to the OR." Carter was writing on the chart when he saw Michael's eyes open. "Luka, he's coming around. Hey Michael, how are you feeling?" Michael just looked at the ceiling, with no attempt to respond. "You were shot in the chest, and are bleeding internally. Soon you'll being going to the OR for a throrocotemy to remove the bullet from a small vein in your lung. Is there anyone you want us to call?" Carter gave him a note pad and a pen. He took it for a moment, scribbled something on it, and then showed it to Carter. "gf? Your girlfriend, we can call her. What's her number?" He wrote it on the pad and Carter left to call Michael's girlfriend.

Carter was sitting at the desk working on charts when a young girl walked in, about 21 or 22. "Excuse me; I'm looking for Dr. Carter. Mike DeSalle was shot and Dr. Carter is treating him." Carter went around to the opposite side of the desk. "I'm Dr. Carter, and your boyfriend went up to surgery. We were going to wait but he started losing blood faster, so he needed to go up to have the damage repaired. What's your name?" "Lisa Miller. Mike had been my boyfriend for 2 years; He's going to be okay, right?" Carter looked at her for a minute. "Had been? Did you break up?" She sighed heavily. "Yeah, a few weeks ago. I heard around town that he had gotten really depressed, and called him yesterday to see how he was. He said that he was going to kill himself because I left him for another guy, and I didn't believe him. He had said it before when we broke up for a few weeks last year. He kissed another girl and I got angry because he lied about it. I wouldn't forgive him and he threatened to kill himself, but he never did." Carter was confused. "He didn't kill himself. The police were here and told us that witnesses saw a guy leaving the scene, and that that might have been the guy that shot Mike." Lisa nodded. "He doesn't want people top think he's crazy, so he gets someone else to shoot him." She started to cry. "I never would have done it if I thought he would actually try to have someone kill him. I just wasn't happy, I needed to move on. Is that a crime?' Carter tried to comfort her. "No, he probably just doesn't want to be alone. My guess is that he loves you and can't stand the thought of being without you. He seemed happy when we said we would call you, his girlfriend. He said nothing about you breaking up. I suspect that he will be willing to work it out, if possible." Carter said that he would go to see how Mike was.

He went up to surgical recovery. He saw Mike lying in a bed, looking anxious and scared. He walked in and went to Mike's bedside. "Mike, Lisa is here. She wanted to know how you were. But she doesn't want to come up. She said for me to tell you she's sorry." Carter saw the tears fall from his eyes, and felt genuine sympathy. "I know how you are feeling, believe me I do. It hurts to be alone after being with the woman of your dreams. She's gone and all you feel is hollowness and emptiness. Elizabeth Co9rday came up behind Carter. "Dr. Carter, how Mr. DeSalle doing?" "He's recovering fine. Dr. Corday can I speak to you in the hall?" "Sure, we'll be right back Michael." They went into the hallway, and Carter looked around for people that might overhear what he would say. "Did you call psych? He needs to be evaluated and put on a hold." "He was shot, he may be suffering from PTSD but he doesn't need to be locked up Carter." "Really, okay did you know that he had a friend of his shot him because his girlfriend dumped him?" Elizabeth was shocked. "No, I wasn't aware of that. If someone had told me then I would have gotten a STAT psych consult. I'll call now." She turned to call, but then turned back to Carter. "Carter, what you said in there, about knowing how he feels, that was nice. Speaking of that, how are you holding up since...?" "I'm fine Elizabeth, everything is great. Jake is getting bigger everyday, and we are fine. I have to get downstairs. Will you page me when the psych consult comes? I wanna be there for it." She nodded as Carter walked away to get on the elevator.

Flashback: the night it happened "John! Oh, it hurts, oh my God!" Kem was crying and screaming and trying to breathe. The baby was coming. "Okay Kem you're doing great, but the bleeding is still strong. I need to know what you wan to do. If it continues, then you may need a C-section to save the baby and yourself. I think you might have the beginnings of pre-eclampsia. Kem was staring at Carter, in panic. She knew that he would know what was best. Carter looked at her ands then at Dr. Mainer. "Keeping going, she can hold out a little longer. We'll go to the hospital if we absolutely have to." Kem continued to push. End of Flashback

Part V
Carter was writing the death note for a fatal MI patient that had come in a few minutes earlier, when his pager went off. It was the psych consult for Mike DeSalle up in recovery. It was almost five o'clock, so Carter decided to go see Jake in daycare before going to sit in on the consult. Carter saw Sam on his way to the elevator. "Oh, Carter you look beat. When are you off?" "At eight. I was just going to see Jake in daycare; I haven't had time to see him all day." "That's nice. So seriously, how are you? I know we aren't great friends, but I know that pressure from close friends can be suffocating, so maybe I can help you. An ear to bend is always a help." Carter chuckled to himself; it was nice the way even Sam wanted to help. "My only problem is that I am not getting a whole lot of sleep with the baby, that's all." The doors opened on the floor to daycare and Carter got of. "I'll see you back downstairs later. Bye." She waved him a nervous wave, and lowered her voice so he wouldn't hear her. "Bye, I hope you were right when you said you were only tired."

Carter went into daycare, and saw Jake sitting in his carrier, on a table unattended. "Hey Jake, what's happening buddy?" He smiled and tickled Jake's toes. A daycare worked came up beside them. "Hi Dr. Carter, I was starting to worry that you wouldn't get up here today. Jake is fine, he's settling in. Things have been okay for you at home right?" Carter grew concerned. "Yes, why?" "It's nothing, he just seems a little off beat, that's all." "He's a baby, and it's his first day in daycare, of course he's a little off beat. When he gets used to being here, then he'll be fine. I'm going to take him for a little stroll; I'll have him back in a little while." He smiled at the worker, and cradled Jake in his arms. "Come on Jake, let's go for a walk." He smiled at his baby, as he walked down the hall.

After a little ways of walking he ran into Neela in the hallway. "Dr. Carter, is this your son?" "Yeah, say hi, Jake." Carter picked up his tiny hand to make it wave to Neela. Neela smiled. "I bet you miss sleeping, he must keep you up a lot." "It's not too bad, but now that you mention it...never mind." "No, what is it? I know you have had a rough time, and if you want to talk or something, then I'm listening." Carter took a deep breath. "Yes, it's hard to take care of an infant and do my job well. It's all very demanding. And what happened when he was born just makes it harder." She encouraged him to keep going. "And?" "And, sometimes when people are going through tough times, they need help functioning." "Of course they do! How can I help you function?" "Well, you can write me a script for Prozac and Demerol, to help with sleeping and headaches." He smiled his sweetest smile at her. "Please?" She smiled back at him. "If that's what you want, sure." She pulled out her prescription pad and wrote it. "Since you are a doctor, I'm sure you'll combine this with anything else that might help you cope with stress. Like maybe therapy or a councilor?" He nodded happily. "I'm already talking to people, and it's true it helps. Well I should get him back to daycare and..." Carter's pager suddenly went off. "Shoot, it's a 9-1-1 to the ER. I need to get down there now. Would it be too much trouble...?" Neela stood up. "No, I'd be happy to take him back. "Come on Jake, do you want to go back to the playroom?" Carter watched Neela, as she held his hand and walked away with Jake. "Bye son." Carter ran quickly down to the ER to see what was going on."

Flashback: the night it happened
They heard a cry as Dr. Mainer's nurse brought over a towel. "He's out! Time of birth 10:04 pm." Carter and Kem cried as their son was cleaned off. Carter was glowing. "Can we see him?" The nurse was getting a weight and length on the baby boy. "Yes let me just- oh my. Dr. Mainer can you come over here?" Carter panicked. "What's wrong?" Dr. Mainer was trying her best to use the ambu bag to blow oxygen down the baby's throat. "He's just not breathing well, so we're putting him on a pulse ox." They hooked him up and even with bagging, he still wasn't breathing well. "Dr. Carter, your son is in respitory distress. I need to intubate him, okay?" She intubated the tiny baby and went back to tend to Kem. "Well at least it wasn't pre- eclampsia; it was only a laceration of the cervix. I'll suture it, and you'll be fine." She did that, and checked on the baby. "He's not improving much; he needs meds and observation in the NICU. I'm calling 9-1-1." End of Flashback

The same worker was there when Neela got back to daycare with Jake. "Hello, I'm just dropping off Dr. Carter's son again. He's back safe and sound." The worker looked worried. "Are you sure of that?" Neela was shocked at the question. "I don't know Dr. Carter all that well, but I know that he would be excellent at taking care of his son!" "Really, well he's seemed very on edge today, happy one minute depressed the next. And well, I just let you see his son for yourself." "I'm sure he's-what is that? Are those bruises?!" The worker nodded as she held up the baby's outfit to show Neela the bruises on his back. "Oh my God." Neela looked at the worker in horror.

Part VI
Carter yawned as he walked away from the elevator. His last patient from a multi-car MVA just went up to surgery. It was almost 7, and he was beat. Carter had heard from Psych a while ago that Mike was on a hold, and that Lisa was getting back together with him, so that he wouldn't try to hurt himself again. He started to go to admit, but something pulled him to the Drug Lockup. He scanned the cabinets for something. He finally pulled out a vial, with Morphine in it, and pumped 10 mgs into a syringe that he stole from a patient earlier in the day. He then put the filled syringe in his pants pocket and went to admit, like nothing had happened.

Neela came into the lounge, still stunned. She couldn't believe that John Carter of all people would be a....child abuser? It didn't make any sense. Abby was in there, and noticed the look on Neela's face. "What's wrong with you?" She stood there for a minute, unsure of what to say. "Abby, hypothetically, if you knew someone was doing something bad, like really bad, what would you do?" "Is this person harming themselves or someone else?" "I'm not sure, that's the problem. This person may be abusing a family member, but I don't know for sure." "Well, then you need to find out for sure. If they are then you need to protect the family member. If they aren't then you need to know for you own peace of mind, and so you don't make any false accusations." Abby started to leave. "Well, I should get back upstairs, I'm leading group in a few minutes. Neela, non- hypothetically, do I know this person that we are talking about?" Neela gave a weak smile. "No, it's a patient."

Carter was sitting in the restaurant that replaced Doc Magoo's eating dinner. It was now 7:15 and he just had to dispo and transfer a few patients to other services, and then he would be done. He was in a lot of pain, emotional and physical. He couldn't believe he had made it through his first day back to work since...it happened. Everything that had happened was so crystal clear in his mind, and he kept seeing it over and over again. "I could have done...something. I could have been more helpful. It's my fault." She folded his arms on the table and slunk his head down on the middle of them. He was seeing that night all over again, reliving the fear and pain...

Flashback: the night it happened. The paramedics were in Kem and Carter's townhouse, prepping their newborn son for transfer to the hospital. Carter was hovering right over the paramedics, trying to see what was happening. They had him intubated. "Mr. Carter, you need to step back and let us work. Your son is in very capable hands, I promise. He needs a chest tube, and a vent. His lungs are wet; he might have lung disease from amniotic fluid intoxication. Were his lungs suctioned with a suction cath?" Dr. Mainer came to get a closer look at the helpless figure of an infant lying on the table, struggling for life. "No, just a blue squeeze sucker. Do you know what's wrong?" The paramedics strapped the baby to their gurney. "Not yet, the docs at the ER will know, let's get him over to County." Carter started to follow them, but Kem grabbed his arm, holding him back. "John, please, don't leave me. Our baby is sick, and no one will tell me what's wrong." Carter sat on the edge of the bed, and took her hand. "He may have taken in some fluids from the birth canal. He's not breathing well. He needs emergency pediatric attention. As soon as Dr. Mainer was done tending to Kem's post-delivery needs, they put her on a gurney and she went to County with the baby. Carter was by her side the whole time. End of flashback

Carter was drawn out of his memory of that night by the sound of his pager going off. His break was over, and it was 7:30. Only a half-hour to finish up with his last patients, and he could take Jake and get home. Before leaving he went to the men's room, and took 3 Vikadin that he stole from Drug Lockup a few days earlier. "It's gonna be a long night." He took a deep breath and went out, silently, to go get Jake.

Part VII
Jake was screaming his head off when Carter finally reached the empty home that he was SUPPOSED to share with Kem. He blamed her for what happened, but not as much as he blamed himself, though. "If she had talked to me about it, I could have helped. I could have done something; it didn't have to happen like that!" He cried, he screamed, punched the furniture with his bear hands. The picture from that morning, with himself and Kem ice skating was where he had left in, in the bedroom. He saw it as he went on a rampage through the house, punching and yelling. He held it for a moment and caressed Kem's face with his fingers, and then he smashed the photo into a thousand pieces on the floor. As he looked at the mess, he melted on the floor himself. He cried, for her, he cried for himself, he cried for the child she'll never know.

After a few minutes of bathing in self-pity and sadness, he picked himself up, and ran to the screaming Jake in the living room. Carter felt that Jake seemed to be crying for no reason at all, except to work his last nerve, which Jake had quickly become very good at. "Will you shut up?! Your mother is gone for God's sakes, it's basically all your fault! Why are you're here, why didn't a have the opportunity to pick her over you?! WHY!? I hate you, you stupid little brat!" He picked Jake up with his bear hands and shock him, violently. Jake was still crying. All of a sudden as quickly as Carter had started shaking Jake he stopped. Carter looked at Jake, and then at himself in a nearby mirror. "What am I doing? This isn't me; I don't take out my sadness and anger on helpless infants, or anyone." He kissed Jake on his forehead, and then put him back in his carrier. Carter picked up the carrier and put in inside of the living room playpen. "I'm sorry son; I don't know what came over me. I just felt so hurt and angry. I am angry at your mom, but most at me. It's my fault, I know it. If had done better, that night or other nights, she would still be here. I wouldn't have lost her." He cried some more. "God! Why did I have to loose her?!"

Flashback: the night it happened. Kem was going up to OB. She was going to be monitored for the night, and hopefully be able to go home tomorrow, with the baby. Carter was holding her hand in the elevator, but then the doors to the ICU floor, with the NICU on it opened. He had to stay with the baby, to make sure he was alright. Their son was sick, and Carter was his father, and a doctor. It was his right, no his duty to go with his son. Kem tried to keep him from leaving her, when she really needed him, for support and comfort. "John, don't go, I need you too! The baby will be alright for a few minutes." "I have to see that he'll be okay. I'll come right back to you, I promise." He kissed her, and then he got off. Just as he turned to say goodbye, he noticed something didn't look right with Kem. She was having stomach pains. Something may be wrong. Carter panicked. "Wait, Kem!" The doors closed, and Carter decided to stay with their son. "She'll be okay for a little while without me. What could go wrong?" End of flashback.

"How could I be so stupid, stupid enough to leave her alone? That was a dumb thing to do, while she was so vulnerable?!" He got up and ran to the bathroom. He found a bottle of Immitrex in the medicine cabinet. He took 5 of them. He wanted to sleep. Next he went to chase them down with a glass of wine. It was a long night.

Part VIII
Neela was sitting at Admit with charts in front of her, but charts were not even close to what was going through her mind. She hadn't been able to sleep last night, with the image of Carter smacking his infant son around, for no reason. It was horrible about Kem being gone, but the Dr. Carter she knew would be the last person in the whole world to take it out on a baby. He had seemed so kind and caring and descent. He was patient with patients and families and clueless medical students like herself. He had been of one few people to encourage the ER staff to be understanding about Dr. Romano being in the ER while he was, and he never openly complained about it. John Carter was one of the nicest doctors and men Neela had ever met and there HAD to be another explanation about what was going on. She went to check on a patient in Exam 4, and saw Carter in Curtain Area 3 with his patient. He looked calm and caring, nothing like a child abuser, but then again you don't usually wear a sign that says "I BEAT MY KIDS FOR FUN" if you do. He was all of a sudden walking towards her. "Neela, you okay?" She shook herself wake from her thoughts. "Yes, I'm fine. How are you? Is the medication helping?" He nodded eagerly. "Yeah, thanks again." Neela watched Carter walk back to Admit.

Carter was picking up another chart at the admit desk when he felt a pain surge through his head like a blow torch to his hair. He was definitely feeling the effects of the hangover. His head was pounding like a son-of-a-bitch. But the most apparent pain was in his heart. He still felt awful about shaking Jake the way he did. But he seemed alright, he was fine that morning. He lied to the daycare workers and told them Jake had been sick and to page him if there were any problems. They had given Carter some confused looks, but agreed to do it. Just then Jerry called out to anyone around. "There's a multi-victim MVA coming in, station wagon vs. Mac truck, the truck won. There are 7 victims total, I said we could take 2 majors, 3 minors. ETA is five minutes." Carter closed his eyes for a second and held his breath. He really didn't feel like caring for trauma patients right now, he wanted to sleep. He collected himself to do it anyway, and turned around to Jerry. "Okay, round up Pratt, Neela, and Chen and I'll meet them in the bay. Abby, you me, and Haleh will take the first one. Chen, can take the other major, and Pratt can tend to the minors. Let's go people.

Carter went outside with his trauma gown and deeply breathed the cool morning air. Abby watched him, and went up beside him. "You okay, you look kind of...tired?" "Thanks, I'm fine. I was just up late with Jake." "Is he doing okay, since...?" Carter smiled. It was sweet that Abby cared so much about other people. Him, Susan, Weaver, you would think that with all that she goes through in her own life that she wouldn't care so much, but somehow she does. The ambulances were getting close. "Where the hell are Pratt and Chen? They're almost here." "Do you want me to find them?" Carter sighed and looked and Abby, annoyed. "No, let them come out here one there own, its more fun to yell at them when they don't suspect that I'm POed." Abby was shocked that Carter would take pleasure in yelling at coworkers who are friends, it was such a Weaver thing to do. "Okay, whatever you say." Carter didn't hear her, as he opened the doors to the back of the newly arrived ambulance, carrying the first MVA victim. "What do you have?"

"33-year-old female, passed out at the wheel. Causing the car to collide with a Mac truck and flip over once. Open tibial fracture, possible concussion from hitting here head on a broken windshield. BP is good at 110/70, pulse-ox 92. She has slight chest pain from the air bag inflation and no apparent abdominal pain on first exam." Carter was glad that this victim wasn't critical. "Is the other one as stable?" The paramedics shook his head. "No, it's a 7-year-old head and abdominal trauma. Vitals are down, needed to be tubed." Carter started to examine the woman. "Ma'm, what's you're name?" "Marla Newton." "Mrs. Newton, do you know what happened. "Yes, my car hit a truck and we flipped over. Is my son okay? He's in the next room." Carter looked over to Trauma 1, the kid didn't look good. "I'll go check as soon as I'm sure you are stable. I already know that you'll need surgery on your leg. Are you still having chest pain?" "A little, it was just from the air bag hitting me, I'm fine, really. I just want to know about my son." "I promise, if you cooperate with me now, I will let you see him before you go to CT She nodded. "Okay, do you have any medical problems or concerns?" All of a sudden the woman began to panic. "Oh my god, I forgot! I might be pregnant." "Okay, let's order a CBC, leg film, chest x-ray, a head CT, urine icon, and an ultrasound. Hang another liter of Saline and give her a gram of Anseph, and 10 of Morphine."

A short time later, the tests came back. "Your are indeed pregnant, lets start the ultrasound, and then you'll go to CT. There it is, a fetus, about seven weeks old. Its looks good, the fetal heart rate is 135, with no bleeding, cramping or abdominal pain." Mrs. Newton began to cry as she watched the ultrasound of her baby. "What's wrong Mrs. Newton?" "This is what we were fighting about when we crashed, I didn't notice the truck until it was too late." Carter was baffled. "Who were you fighting with, your husband?" She nodded. "He doesn't want another baby. I have two kids from my first marriage, he has one, and we had a two year old together. He's with my parents today. That's my oldest son in the next room, Jacob. My husband is 38. He thinks he's too old to be a new father again, he also said that four kids is plenty, but I want one more, and it's too late for him to object anyway." Carter felt bad for Mrs. Newton, he new exactly how she felt Of the two of them, Kem always had more doubts and reservations about having a baby.

Flashback: the night it happened The baby was doing much better after a few hours at the hospital. Carter had been with him the whole. He had taken in fluids from the birth canal, but it was caught and treated early, so there wouldn't be any long-term damage. He could go home the next day. Carter told the nurse he was going to see how Kem was. He went to the post partum floor and asked where Kem was put. The nurse was confused. "Dr. Carter Miss Likasu isn't here, anymore, but she left this note for you.

John,
I can see that you already love the baby to death, more then I do. I was going to grow to love him, but I can't have you always caring about his needs over mine, and I don't want you to resent me for not thinking that it's appropriate. I love you but our life doesn't make sense anymore. I am not a mother, and I can't ignore that. Please take care of the baby. Love him always and forever.
-Kem

Carter sank into a chair as soon as he finished the note and began to cry uncontrollably. End of flashback

"Is your husband here, I can talk to him if you want, right after you see your son and go for your head CT." "Thank you that would be nice. Just don't tell him about my being pregnant. Before the accident we were talk about IF we got pregnant by accident. This wasn't planned and I didn't know for sure until now." "I won't say a word, I promise." Carter smiled and held her hand gingerly as he wheeled her to Trauma 1. "Haleh, in a few minutes, take Mrs. Newton for her head CT, and stay with her." Carter threw his gloves in the waste can and went to Exam 1, where Conni had put Mr. Newton. He slowly entered the room. "Mr. Newton, I have news about your wife."

Part IX
Chen was treating Mrs. Newton's 5-year-old daughter with Neela in Exam 2, but Neela wasn't paying attention. "Okay, Neela what do you want to order? Neela? Neela!" "Sorry, I was just thinking about something else. Let's get a CBC, wrist film, left orbit film, 10 Mgs of Demerol for the pain, and 50 mgs of Litocaine, and update her tetanus." Chen smiled as they went to order the tests. "We'll be right back Lindsay. Neela you should order generic painkillers before using narcotics. Try IB Profin. Is everything alright? It's just that you're very distracted today." Neela pulled her aside and looked around for people eavesdropping. Can I tell you something in confidence?" Chen nodded. "What's going on, is something wrong?" Neela began to explain about Carter's ever-changing moods and the bruises on Jake's body. Chen was panicking by the time Neela finished. "Have you asked him about it?" "Not about Jake or his moods, but I have asked if everything in general is okay." "And?" "He says things are fine with him and Jake." "We need to find Weaver, now!" "But I just asked for this to be in confidence! You gave me the impression that it was!" "I didn't think you were going to say that. You don't know Dr. Carter like me, or Weaver, or Kovac, or Abby. We know about his past, and unfortunately, what you just told me, sounds like a past problem is rearing its ugly head again." She saw Kovac at the desk. "Luka, can I speak to you for a minute?" "Yeah, sure." She quickly repeated what Neela told her and Neela immediately saw the panic in his eyes. He turned to Neela. "Are you sure about all of this. It'll be bad if we accuse him falsely." "I'm sure." "Luka, I'll take Neela to go get Weaver, and you find Abby and meet us upstairs." Luka nodded and took off to find Abby.

What seemed like 10 seconds later, they were all gathered up in Weaver's office, with Anspaugh in attendance. Kerry was in shock. "I can't believe it happened again. Are you sure about this Neela? This is such a huge accusation, but not inconceivable after everything Carter has been through. But I figured that if it was going to happen, it wouldn't happen right away." Abby was very upset and stunned. "I just can't imagine him stooping so low that he would take his sadness and anger out on his child, I mean, he is an extension of Kem, wouldn't Carter want to do anything to protect him?" Kerry was clearly upset, but doing her best to stay calm. "Well, the child is the reason that Kem is gone, it's the baby's fault in Carter's eyes." Anspaugh was his usual calm, stern self, but that didn't mean that this wasn't a horrible surprise to him. He was just used to having to be calm and level headed about big things. "We can't imagine blaming all of this on a baby, knowing that part of Kem never wanted a baby apparently, but Carter isn't thinking straight now, so he immediately blames the baby." Luka was now becoming impatient. "What are we going to do? We can't let Carter take the baby home, but if we call the police, then he'll never come back to us, his friends, who betrayed him. Also, he needs help for his addiction relapse. Neela jumped at the word "relapse". "What do you mean relapse? He has done drugs before?" They all nodded.

Luka became cold and solemn as he dug up the old wounds of that Valentine 's Day four years ago. "Carter and a medical student were stabbed by a psychotic patient in 2000. The medical student died and Carter lived. He blamed himself for her death, and got addicted to pain killers to lessen the physical and emotional pain of it all." Abby swallowed hard as she began to speak. "I was the one who spotted him injecting Fentanyl into his wrist, and told Dr. Weaver and Dr. Greene about it. He didn't want to go to rehab and resented us for saying that he was a drug addict. He knew he was, he just didn't want the people who were his friends saying he was. He did finally go to rehab, and has been doing fine...until now." Just then Weaver got an idea. "We'' do it just like we did then. We'll get him to got rehab and he'll have to leave Jake with somebody else. We'll deal with what to do with Jake after Carter leaves for rehab.

Carter was in the lounge alone on a coffee break when Weaver came in. "John, there's a trauma outside and we need some muscle." "Okay." He got up and followed Weaver outside. He was confused as he saw his friends standing around him. Luka stepped forward. "John, we know about what's been going on with you. Neela told us about the prescription." Carter gave Neela a cold look. "You said you wouldn't say anything to people." She was intimidated, but she didn't falter to his strength. "That was before I knew about your past addiction. You lied to me, saying that it was fine to give you the scrip, when it wasn't. You took advantage of my obliviousness of your past drug addiction. How could you? I looked up to you with utmost respect and you used me." She looked away, on the verge of tears, Luka put his hand on her back in comfort. Abby went almost to his side. "We know that everything with Kem and the baby has been incredibly hard, so instead of firing you, Dr. Weaver and Dr. Anspaugh are willing to let you go to rehab and come back again. We don't want to you resent us for our concern, but we all care more about the safety and well-being of you and your son to let you go on like this. We won't stand by and let you ruin yourself, Carter, we care about you getting better; beating the addiction." She went to touch his shoulder, but he puller away. "You're right, I need help. I'll go to the airport right now. Do I have a ticket?" Weaver handed him the plane ticket to Atlanta. "I can go alone, it's important that I check myself in." They all agreed.

Carter went around to the front of the hospital, and when they were out of sight and earshot, he dashed back in and up to daycare. He had to beat them to Jake, that's where they would go first. He ran into the daycare room and grabbed Jake from a playpen. "I have to leave early, it's an emergency with my family, I have to leave town. I'll be back in a few days. Another worker gave Carter Jake's things, and he left. About 20 minutes later, after calling the rehab center about Carter's arrival and DCFS about Jake, Abby and Luka got off the elevator in front of the hospital daycare center. "We're here to pick up Jakem Carter, Dr. Carter's son. He had to leave early for a family emergency and asked us to watch over Jake for him." The worker smiled. "Dr. Carter told us about the family emergency, but he took his son with him, about 20 minutes ago." They ran back down the stairs and out to the street. They didn't see him. Luka was furious. "Damn it! He knew what we were doing!" They stood in the street unsure of what to do next, or where Carter could have disappeared to.

TO BE CONTINUED IN AN UPCOMING SEQUEL