The Princess Ranma
Chapter 01
"Prologue"
by CA Bowen.
--------------- Disclaimer - Ranma 1/2 is created/owned by Rumiko Takahashi. The Princess Bride was written by William Gibson. ---------------
*Grandpa, will you read me a bedtime story?*
*Just one second, sonny boy. I'm trying to get your telescope to work right.*
*Grandpa, the lady next door won't be home for another hour.*
*Right! Storytime it is. Now what would you like?*
*Something with action, excitement, pirates, and... and...*
*And what?*
*Lots of Martial Arts!*
*Okay, no problem. Once Upon a Time...*
*Grandpa, there better not be any kissing or stuff like that.*
*Fine. Once Upon...*
*And promise there'll be no hanky-panky. Mom keeps washing my mouth out with soap afterwards.*
*I promise. Anything else? Okay. Once upon a time...
On a small farm, just outside of the Kingdom of Nerima, there lived the most beautif-- An enchantin-- A lovel- Umm, a... short haired young woman named Akane. She and her family lived on the farm, and were the masters of Martial Arts Farming, which was the inspiration to farmers for miles around. Of course, the cows didn't really like it, but what do they know?
Also living on the farm was the family's handyman, Ranma. Now, being the apple of her father's eye, Akane looked down on poor Ranma, forcing him to do the most menial and degrading of jobs. "Ranma!", she would order him, "Go fetch the eggs from our ninja chickens." Or, "Ranma! Go and milk the sumo cows." Or, "Ranma! Go and shear the sheep."
*Wait, Grandpa, don't you mean Sheep of Death, or something like that?*
*'Sheep of Death'? You've been reading too many comic books. 'Sheep of Death' indeed.*
And yet, no matter what horrible, slimy, disgusting job she would assign him, all Ranma would calmly say was, "Meh, ya stupid, uncute tomboy." At which point Akane would whack him with a mallet.
But, as the days rolled past, Akane soon realized that when Ranma was saying, "Ya stupid uncute tomboy," what he really meant was, "I love yo-"
"What?!? No, it's not true! No no no no no!!!!"
*Pipe down Ranma. I'm the one telling this story.*
*Uh, grandpa. Who are you talking to?*
Anyway, when Ranma said "Stupid tomboy," he meant, "I love you." And Akane soon realized that, when she hit him with her mallet, what she meant was, "I love you, too."
And so, in order to provide for his daughter's happiness, (and to bypass certain inheritance tax laws) Akane's father decided that Akane and Ranma were to be married. And after that was to be the honeymoon, with a whole lot of rumpa-rumpa wooooo-hoooo nookie-nook-
*Grandpa! You promised.*
*sigh You never let me have any fun.*
But, before they could get down to doin' the horizontal hokey-pokey-
*Grandpa!*
But first, it was decided that Ranma would go on a training journey to China, in order to earn his fortune. Because, love or not, Akane wasn't going to marry some penniless bum.
--------------
As the days turned into weeks, and into months, Akane grew sad at not being able to see Ranma, or hear his voice, or whack him with her mallet. Of course, she could still whack the cows all she wanted, but it just wasn't the same. That's not to say she didn't still whack them, but her heart wasn't really into it.
And when, at last, the day Ranma was to return to her came, she was waiting in their dojo/barn, staring out the window for the first glimpse of him. But he never came.
He didn't come the next day, either.
Or the day after that.
Or the day after that.
Of course, a martial artist farmboy could be delayed for any number of reasons. Which was why Akane wasn't worried at all, and went about her chores with a smile on her face, laughter in her heart, and a cry of "Ranma, you jerk!" as she whacked cows with her mallet.
But, upon the day the news was brought to her, that Ranma's ship home had been attacked by the Dread Pirate Ranko, who left no survivors, she hung-
*Wait, grandpa. If the Dread Pirate Ranko leaves no survivors, how did they know it was him that attacked Ranma's ship?*
*Kid, do you want to hear this story or not?*
*Well, I don't know....*
*I could always tell the one about the three naughty nurses at the cheerleader convention.*
*No! This story's fine! I'm shutting up now!*
But, when she heard the news that Ranma's ship had been attacked by the Dread Pirate Ranko, who left no survivors, she hung up her mallet and proclaimed, "I'll never mallet whack again."
And there was much rejoicing in the cow pasture.
--------------- Disclaimer - Ranma 1/2 is created/owned by Rumiko Takahashi. The Princess Bride was written by William Gibson. ---------------
*Grandpa, will you read me a bedtime story?*
*Just one second, sonny boy. I'm trying to get your telescope to work right.*
*Grandpa, the lady next door won't be home for another hour.*
*Right! Storytime it is. Now what would you like?*
*Something with action, excitement, pirates, and... and...*
*And what?*
*Lots of Martial Arts!*
*Okay, no problem. Once Upon a Time...*
*Grandpa, there better not be any kissing or stuff like that.*
*Fine. Once Upon...*
*And promise there'll be no hanky-panky. Mom keeps washing my mouth out with soap afterwards.*
*I promise. Anything else? Okay. Once upon a time...
On a small farm, just outside of the Kingdom of Nerima, there lived the most beautif-- An enchantin-- A lovel- Umm, a... short haired young woman named Akane. She and her family lived on the farm, and were the masters of Martial Arts Farming, which was the inspiration to farmers for miles around. Of course, the cows didn't really like it, but what do they know?
Also living on the farm was the family's handyman, Ranma. Now, being the apple of her father's eye, Akane looked down on poor Ranma, forcing him to do the most menial and degrading of jobs. "Ranma!", she would order him, "Go fetch the eggs from our ninja chickens." Or, "Ranma! Go and milk the sumo cows." Or, "Ranma! Go and shear the sheep."
*Wait, Grandpa, don't you mean Sheep of Death, or something like that?*
*'Sheep of Death'? You've been reading too many comic books. 'Sheep of Death' indeed.*
And yet, no matter what horrible, slimy, disgusting job she would assign him, all Ranma would calmly say was, "Meh, ya stupid, uncute tomboy." At which point Akane would whack him with a mallet.
But, as the days rolled past, Akane soon realized that when Ranma was saying, "Ya stupid uncute tomboy," what he really meant was, "I love yo-"
"What?!? No, it's not true! No no no no no!!!!"
*Pipe down Ranma. I'm the one telling this story.*
*Uh, grandpa. Who are you talking to?*
Anyway, when Ranma said "Stupid tomboy," he meant, "I love you." And Akane soon realized that, when she hit him with her mallet, what she meant was, "I love you, too."
And so, in order to provide for his daughter's happiness, (and to bypass certain inheritance tax laws) Akane's father decided that Akane and Ranma were to be married. And after that was to be the honeymoon, with a whole lot of rumpa-rumpa wooooo-hoooo nookie-nook-
*Grandpa! You promised.*
*sigh You never let me have any fun.*
But, before they could get down to doin' the horizontal hokey-pokey-
*Grandpa!*
But first, it was decided that Ranma would go on a training journey to China, in order to earn his fortune. Because, love or not, Akane wasn't going to marry some penniless bum.
--------------
As the days turned into weeks, and into months, Akane grew sad at not being able to see Ranma, or hear his voice, or whack him with her mallet. Of course, she could still whack the cows all she wanted, but it just wasn't the same. That's not to say she didn't still whack them, but her heart wasn't really into it.
And when, at last, the day Ranma was to return to her came, she was waiting in their dojo/barn, staring out the window for the first glimpse of him. But he never came.
He didn't come the next day, either.
Or the day after that.
Or the day after that.
Of course, a martial artist farmboy could be delayed for any number of reasons. Which was why Akane wasn't worried at all, and went about her chores with a smile on her face, laughter in her heart, and a cry of "Ranma, you jerk!" as she whacked cows with her mallet.
But, upon the day the news was brought to her, that Ranma's ship home had been attacked by the Dread Pirate Ranko, who left no survivors, she hung-
*Wait, grandpa. If the Dread Pirate Ranko leaves no survivors, how did they know it was him that attacked Ranma's ship?*
*Kid, do you want to hear this story or not?*
*Well, I don't know....*
*I could always tell the one about the three naughty nurses at the cheerleader convention.*
*No! This story's fine! I'm shutting up now!*
But, when she heard the news that Ranma's ship had been attacked by the Dread Pirate Ranko, who left no survivors, she hung up her mallet and proclaimed, "I'll never mallet whack again."
And there was much rejoicing in the cow pasture.