Title: Supernatural
Author: Enide Dear
Pairing: Cidxvarious critters, Valenwind
Rating: some bad words, undead love
A/N: In the first game drafts, Vincent was supposed to be a paranormal investigator.
It started with a nymph in the washing machine.
Cid opened the machine to toss out the wet laundry on various radiators and stuff to get dry and there she was, a sopping wet, vaguely humanoid figure, reaching long green arms toward him and looking up with watery eyes filled with love.
Swearing he threw the top down on its head and stared at the machine as the nymph gargled love songs at him. He decided he really didn't need clean underwear that badly.
A few cups of tea and a cig or two later, dusk was setting on Rocket Town. Sitting on the porch, Cid watched the sun go down, the shades grow longer on the lawn….and something white and ethereal sliding towards him. Instinct made him lash out, but his arm passed right through the ghost who clung with white arms that felt like spiderwebs around his neck, pressing sticky, cold kisses on his cheek.
"Come with me, my love." It echoed like a tomb. "We shall love forever and ever in the twilight of the living, sacred and unholy beyond the coils of mortal men."
"Go fuck yerself with a broken bottle!" Swearing, Cid reached for the Fire materia he always had at hand in case he needed to light a cig, and toasted the mooning specter. "What the Hell is goin' on here?" Muttering he lit another cig, thinking hard. Various monsters and critters he was used to, but they wanted to kill you, not smooch you. True, there were some sirens in the North crater that could confuse you with love spells, but Cid wasn't feeling confused or particularly in love. He shrugged it off and went to bed.
There was a zombie in his bed. Cid's toes felt something crunchy and mushy and before he could react, rotting fingers started climbing up strong legs and reaching for his underwear.
"Cooooock," it moaned. "Need…..coooock." it fumbled for its prize.
Clearing the bed with a howl, Cid grabbed Venus Gospel and crunched the fragil body to a very wet and disgusting spot in his bed.
"What the fucking hell is going on here?!" Roaring he switched on the light, just to see various other critters – gnomes, small ghosts, nymphs, run for cover from the light. He could hear them chattering and chittering love words or perversions at him.
When in doubt, as the Gaia saying went, blame ShinRa. Cid picked up the phone and dialed.
"Stay the fuck away from my dick!" He roared as soon as a calm voice answered at the other end.
There was a small silence. Then Tseng said:
"Excuse me?"
"Ya heard me! Tell yer gods-damned science department ta stop trying ta send ghosts into my pants!" He might be overdoing it just a little, but a zombie had just tried to eat his dick and Cid was feeling a bit rattled.
"I usually don't cherish ignorance, but for once I have to say I am glad I have no idea what you are talking about…." Tseng started, but Cid hung up, swearing. Leaving the lights on, he sat down to ponder. Something was definitely up, but for once it didn't seem like ShinRa was behind it. But who, then?
He decided to ask the only person he knew who knew about supernatural shit.
"Vince? Hey, Vince! Are ya awake?" Cid gently shook the coffin like another man might shake a bed. "I need ta ask ya somethin'." Nieblheim mansion was a ghostly place on the best of days, and he'd had to wade through amorous pumpkins and sexually assaulting YingYangs who were just a little too 'happy' to see him. But in here, in Vincent's crypt, all was quiet and peaceful.
Like someone rolling down the covers from their head, a gauntlet hand appeared and dragged down the coffin lid a few inches. A sleep-rumpled head and a blinking red eye appeared in the crack.
"Chief? What are you doing here?" Vincent yawned, which spread a scent of funeral roses around the room, and stretched. "Is it Sephiroth, or Deep ground again?"
"Nah, nothin' like that." Cid leaned back and fished up a thermos with two mugs. "Ya want some tea? I brought some in case ya were yer usual grumpy self when ya woke up."
"Hmf." Vincent accepted the cup and sipped it.
"Ya seem unusually….peaceful." Cid commented as they drank their tea. "No nightmares?"
"No. It seems that after all I've been through, I have finally deserved peace. Lately my dreams have been…restful."
"Good fer ya." Beaming, Cid patted the man's back. "If anyone deserves some rest, it's ya. Sorry I had ta wake ya, but lately I've been having some troubles and I figure maybe ya could help me. Ya used ta be a paranormal investigator, right?"
"A long time ago. Before I joined the Turks." Vincent frowned.
"Well, here's the deal….."Cid told him about the various amorous spectacles and creatures that had been haunting him. Vincent listened in silence.
"So, what ya think about it?" Cid finally asked a bit disquieted by how quiet and brooding Vincent looked once more. He hoped he hadn't said anything wrong.
"For such a thing to happen…" Vincent searched for words, swirling his tea. "What you must understand is that the supernatural world is not like ours. They're all connected and thus what one feels can be picked up by others. If the creature feeling it is powerful, the emotions can spill over to lesser creatures, overriding their own judgement."
Cid scratched his head.
"I'm not sure I get it," he admitted.
"What I am saying is that there is a large, powerful supernatural entity in love with you, somewhere. That emotion is picked up by ghosts and such who cannot help but feel the same."
"Yer saying there is a dragon out there with the hots fer me or somethin'?!" Cid almost dropped his tea. "How the Hell did that happen?"
"A dragon cannot feel emotions like that, but yes, in theory you are correct." Vincent drained his tea and rubbed his forehead.
"How do I stop it? I can't have ghosts peeking at me in the shower, it's fucking embarrassing!"
"I am not…sure you can, chief." Vincent sighed. "The only options available to you would be to either make the entity fall out of love with you, or kill it. Or, um, to accept its advances. That would mark you as taken in the supernatural community and others would leave you alone."
"Yeah, I ain't marrying some damn witch or werewolf or something, so it's gonna be one of the other options. Have ta find it first, though." Cid grumbled. "Could ya help me? Ya know more about this shit than anyone I know, what with having them demons in yer head and all…." Cid trailed off and stared at the gunman as the gil finally dropped. Vincent blushed and tried to duck back into the coffin, but Cid grabbed his claw and stopped him.
"Ya…..yer the most powerful supernatural entity on Gaia!" He stammered.
Vincent took advantage of the situation by getting loose form the grip and slamming the lid shut over him.
"I am sorry, chief!" He words came mumbled from inside the coffin. "I was not aware that my dreams were affecting the supernatural world like that! This is…highly embarrassing. I will stay here, and try not to dream."
"Get out of there, ya silly shit!" Cid banged in the coffin until Vincent carefully peeked out under the lid once more. Grinning, Cid stared down at the mortified gunman. "Heh. Jest what the Hell have ya been dreamin' about me, eh?"
"That is private, chief!" Blushing Vincent tried to shut the coffin once more, but Cid wouldn't let him.
"It *was* private until a zombie tried ta eat my dick. Then it kinda became not so private."
"I am so sorry…." Vincent started, but Cid interrupted him. Leaning down, he pressed a warm, soft smooch on Vincent's dry lips.
"Don't be sorry, Sleepin' Beauty." He grinned and held out a hand to help Vincent out of the darkness. "It's about time ya stopped dreamin' and woke up."