Harry's POV

The sound of a fire engine outside my apartment window startled me awake. The smell of freshly made bacon wafted into my nose and before I knew it there was a knock on my door.

"Come in!" I yelled cheerfully. Voldemort entered through the doorway carrying a large plate of bacon.

"I wish I could smell the bacon, but here you go," he said handing me the plate.

"Thanks bro," I replied

"Any time home dawg,"

Deciding to share the plate of bacon with the rest of my lovely friends I made my way down the hallway to the living room.

"I am going to kick your butt old man," I hear Snape yell at Dumbledore. The two were playing an intense game of guitar hero.

About a year before I graduated from Hogwarts, Voldemort decided it wasn't worth it to kill me and he gave up. We became friends and moved into an apartment in New York city. It turns out that Snape and Dumbledore just so happen to live in this apartment too! Soon we became the best of friends all living happily together ( Dumbledore is the only gay one, just saying. ) Because of that he has asked numerious times to bring over his "boyfriend" but we will not allow that filthly muggle through our front door. Snape especially hates him.

I ignored the guitar hero match and went to the closet to get my uniform. I threw on my slick leather coat and black hat ( I usually wear my jammies to work.) I turned to the mirror and struck a pose. I rolled up the sleaves to my jacket and admired my biceps, that I care about so much I protect it with a thick layer of fat..

"Ok, I'm off!" I yelled to the others. Snape turned his head from the tv and quickly scanned me.

"Damn boy, you be lookin fine," he smirked. "Oh and by the way, there's a letter for you in the mail."

I suddenly had a flashback from when I got my Hogwarts letter. I totally regret not picking one of those damn letters off of the ground instead of jumping into the air. I was a special child…

Snape walked over and hands me the letter. Already late for work, I decided, who gives a shit about work any way. It sucks. I focused on the pink envelope covered in my little pony stickers, and I knew already who this was from. Ron. I ripped open the envelope and a howler jumped into the air. It was ron's voice yelling loudly. He didn't seem angry, just excited.

"HEY HARRY I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME IN NEW YORK TELL EVERYONE I SAY HI BESIDES VOLDEMORT I'M PRETTY SURE HE STILL HATES ME ANY WAY I HOPE THE CASH CAP BUISNESS IS WORKING OUT FOR YOU AND ME AND HERMIONE ARE CHILLING IN MEXICO AND WE WISH YOU WERE HERE AND YEAH OK BYE. "

I watched as the howler fell to the floor. I also wondered how ron was able to finish the whole message without one breath. Forgetting it all, I headed out the door and apperated onto a old mans lap who was riding a train to Australia. He took one look at me and snarls.

"Not again Potter!"

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHITTTTTTTT!" I screamed. The young lady sitting across from him noticed me.

"GOD DAMMIT HARRY NOT AGAIN YOU UGLY POOP THIS IS LIKE THE 5TH TIME THIS WEEK WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL"

"SHIITTTTT OH MY GAWD I'M SORRY, BUT I'M SIRIUS (black ) YOU SHOULD BE USE TO IT BY NOW YOU RETARDED COB OF CORN" I screamed back. Once I gained control, of mah moobs (man boobs) I apperated into the taxi I drive back in New York. Then I started driving, ready to start the day and pick up some people. After a block I notice a family standing on the side of the road. The parents were young, and they had two little girls, who both looked about 5. I rolled down my window once I got close enough for them to hear me.

"GET IN BITCHES!" I yelled. The mother gave me a dirty look while pressing her palms against the childrens ears. The dad stomped up to my window.

"Listen kid," he said in a harsh whisper, "we've got two little girls and…."

He kept on going but I zoned out and started thinking about more important things. Like the clothes at abecrombie and fitch. I had a sudden urge to go and buy some cologne, so I quickly fingered the man then appaerated away to the nearest abecromie and fitch store. The smell wafted into my nose. I walked over to the closest manican and softly stroked it's wenis (on your elbow)." I looked across he room and admired a poster on the back wall, unil I realized it was snape's face staring into my soul. He was surrounded by hot babes in bikines. I don't know what my hormones were doing, but I became really jealous. Without knowing how this happened, the leg of the manican was wrapped in my fists and I was charging straight at the poster. I was just about to hit but then I stopped and thought something through. His moobs. I turned to the nearest cashier and broke in song while pointing at snape.

"GIRL LOOK AT THE BODY UGHHHH GIRL LOOK AT THAT BODY UGHH GIRL LOOK AT THAT BODY, HE WORKS OUT!" I continued on with the song until everyone joined in. All of a sudden LMFAO stormed in the store.
"THAT'S MY JAM BRO!" At first the group looked upset, but once they saw the poster, and snapes moobs, they smiled. The sweat from the groups body wafted into my nose. Yum. I really wanted to take the poster and hang it on my wall, but I didn't know how to take it without looking suspitious. I thought of the only thing I could. I wafted the poster into my nose. It was a tight fit, but I could breathe. I apparated back to my apartment. Once I got in and up to my room, I had the biggest sneeze in my life. Everything I ever wafted came out of my nostrils and flew around the apartment. Little childrent, A few buildings, a playground, a tomato, LMFAO'S sweat, bacon, clothes, some books, monopoly jr , dobby's foot, ron's underwear, an ipad, the elder wand, dudley's boogers, a piece of wizards chess, a basilisk skeleton, the sword of Gryffindor, Hedwig, my dead parents, peeta mellark, bella swan, Edward cullen, Seneca crane's beard. Miles away I could already hear seneca's piercing scream of terror as his beard has left his chin. But that's not all, also out came percy Jackson, annebeth chase, Thomas, newt, alby, minho, teressa, chuck, Rebecca black, danial Radcliffe, Rupert grint, emma Watson, tom felton, josh hutcherson, Jennifer lopez, Justin bieber, Barak obama, the lion, the witch, the wardrobe, tally, shay, david, violet, sunny, claud, clove, cato, katniss everdeen, prim's unibrow, katniss's dad, peeta's cheese bun, the dude from hatchet and some poo.

End of chapter one.