With the pen in my hand and the paper staring at me, waiting patiently for it to be signed….I realized that this, these two things; a simple pen and paper will dramatically change me for the rest of my life. Saying your first and last name is so common, you practically learn how to spell it by grade school. Just like the last name I've been wearing for the last 10 years, it's so common. It has molded into me, shaped me, and started to be me. I was Isabella Cullen. That's the way it goes and how it went. And the way I wanted it to be….up until now.
"Isabella, will you have Edward to be your wedded husband, will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep yourself only for him so long as you both shall live?" I couldn't help but smile as the pastor said those magically words. They touched my skin and made it glow. I was more than ready to be bounded to Edward Cullen-for life.
"I do."
Back in summer of 2002, you couldn't tell me that divorce was even fit for me and Edward. I fucking loved him more than I loved myself. I grew up with him. He was my first everything. First kiss, first time, first love, first wedding….and first divorce. And I sit here, wondering why didn't he fight? Why did it not matter to him that I said I was done and actually meant it this time? Why couldn't he say sorry and just say he wanted this? Where the hell did my marriage go? It crept right through my fingers without a sign of a red flag being thrown. I was so blinded by all the happiness, smiles, giggles, and love making that we were making to even see and understand we had deeper issues than it seems. I couldn't give Edward what he wanted, and that's the reason I swear to God he stopped trying…the reason why he stopped loving me. I couldn't give him us. I couldn't give him a child. How hard we tried and how many doctor appointments we set up….I couldn't fucking give him that child he wanted so bad after the first. By now, my tears had already hit the deadly papers and splotched the ink. I wiped my tears when I heard a knock at the door.
"Bells! Come on Bells, you told me to be here in an hour and I'm here. Open that damn door up, you had me ditched dick for God's sake!" I laughed. Rosalie. I invited her over just so she could stop asking to check up on me. Everyone thinks I'm fragile, which is true but I'm not entirely broken just yet.
"Just a minute! I need to put on some proper clothes." Lie. I had on black yoga pants with a neon yellow Victoria Secret PINK shirt but my face was a mess with stained tears and the deadly papers were out in display. In a hurry, I quickly grabbed the papers. I stuffed them in my bed cabinet and washed a hand full of cold sink water onto my face.
"I'm decent. You know, you didn't have to…
"Shut up. I needed to and plus, I don't understand why you needed to put on 'proper clothes' like I haven't seen you naked before Belly Bells." Rosalie cut me off and barged into our home. It smells like him too, all the time. I shook that memory of him out my head and looked at what's in Rose's hands.
"What are those?" The bag had a red writing of THANK YOU on it and it seemed to be packed with different types of goodies inside. Rose smiled at me, her golden blonde locks moved as she did so.
"These are our goodies for tonight. Knowing you Bells, you probably would have read us both to death so I brought nail polish, movies, make up, and oh cheese spray and crackers!" She took out each item and put them on our coffee table. I shivered; it's a little chilly in here…
"What are we twelve and having our very first sleep over? Rose, I adore your thinking. Pop in whatever you feel like, I'm about to grab some blankets." She nodded and began rummaging through the movies. I've known Rose since birth. Our mothers been BFFs in high school and got pregnant their senior year at the same time and had us one month apart. Ever since then, we have literally never been apart and followed our mothers footsteps in friendship expect the getting knocked up around senior year. I love her to death. As I was going through our closet I heard the vibration of my phone. Hell, I thought I turned it off for the night.
Edward Calling. Accept or Decline.
My heart fucking dropped and fell to my stomach. He hasn't contacted me in months, almost close to a year. Would Rose set this up? No, she hates his guts. My phone kept vibrating and I knew I needed to answer or it would answer for me.
Accept.
"Hello?" My breath sounded so shaky and I hated myself for it. I wanted to sound good, like I was doing better off without him. Lie again. Fuck this phone call.
"Bella, fuck Isabella you answered…." There it goes, that velvet smooth and warming voice I needed to hear throughout the day….the one that made me do all type of things. The only voice I wanted to hear, because I'm addicted. His voice matched mine, but it sounded worse. Like it was hurting him to speak.
"Yea, I did. Is there something wrong?"
"I need to fix this shit Isabella. I disappointed you, didn't I my Isabella? I walked out when you needed me the most and I fucked everything up, shit I'm so sorry. I know that I love you, I love you so much. I-
"Edward." I cut him off, because I heard this many times before. "Where are you? We've been worried, come home." I cry but I silence myself enough so Rose won't hear me and snatch the phone for me. I wanted to hear this voice. The voice of the man who has my heart and who broke it.
"I can't. I can't come home. I need to be…..I just needed to let you know that I loved you. I'll be home eventually and we can be happy again. Okay baby? We can be a family again, just me and you." I shook my head, he still didn't get it and he never will. My tears burned, like my eyes were on fire. I looked at my phone screen; we've been on the phone for 2 minutes when I hung up. 60 seconds or less I wouldn't be able to track where he is….now I can. Time to call my lawyer, track this call down, and send Edward those divorce papers because I'm done.
X
I've never been in love quite before
Until I saw your face
And watching stars without you
My soul cries
My hurting heart
Is full of pain
When we're apart
The aching
I'm kissing you
I'm kissing you
You're my father
You're my soldier
You protect me
Boy you save me
You're my best friend
You're my husband
You are my doctor, counselor
Provider, professor, my everything
And I love you, I love you, I love you, yes, I love you –Beyonce Kissing you.