A/N: I had to write this when I found something on a Tumblr account! So, for all of those people who know Sassy Gay Friend, here we go!

Meet Rumpelstiltskin from ABC's Once Upon a Time. He is about to stab the Dark One, leaving him with cursed, burdensome magic that will cause him nothing but pain and suffering. This fate could have been avoided if he had a sassy gay friend...

"What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?" Sassy Gay Friend shouted out into the middle of the forest, sticking out like a sore thumb with his bright orange scarf.

"I have to kill him, then I can take his powers. I can save my son," Rumpel said meekly.

"No, Rumpelstiltskin...sorry can I call you Rumpel? Good, sorry Rumpel, but you can't just expect magic to be the solution to everything. Maybe your son wants to fight, all right? Maybe he wants to be noble and brave...unlike you. You'd rather be shut behind doors like a little pussy cat!" Sassy Gay Friend exclaimed.

"But, I can save him," Rumpel protested.

"You can't save him from his wants. Someday, he's gonna wanna marry someone, and if you don't like the stupid bitch, well that's just too bad mister! You'll have to suck it up. Let him be happy! Don't kill this miserable old beggar...Oops, spoiler alert..."

"What?" Rumpel asked, pushing back the hood of the Dark One to reveal his physical features. "You're that beggar!"

"Oooh, someone's been a stupid bitch," Sassy Gay Friend taunted, swaying his index finger back and forth.

"Damn it! You ruined my plan!" the Dark One shouted.

"That's what friends do, but don't worry, you can have control over something besides your desperate friends with Mio! You can add a little or a lot to your beverage." Sassy Gay Friend held up a red container of Mio, pouring some into a glass and handing it to the Dark One.

"Mmm...this is very satisfying," the Dark One said.

"Good, now give him back his knife thingy or whatever. We don't wanna kill anyone today thank you," Sassy Gay Friend demanded to Rumpel. Rumpel gave the Dark One his dagger back.

"Zoso? What is that, like an awful stage name or something?" Sassy Gay Friend asked as he looked at the dagger. The Dark One gave him an evil, death-defying glare.

"Come on, let's go you stupid bitch," Sassy Gay Friend said, wrapping his arm around Rumpelstiltskin.