Disclaimer – I do not own Glee

Mama, Where's My Penis?

Summary: He asked the question quite calmly all things considered, but when two men looked at him concernedly and addressed him as 'Rachel', Noah Puckerman freaked out. As for Rachel, her distress was mostly over losing her singing voice. But where does Kurt fit in to all this?

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This will ultimately be a Puck/Kurt story, in a romantic/sexual sense. If homosexual material bothers you or you don't like Puck/Kurt as a pairing this story clearly won't be to your taste and you should leave now.

There will be a lot of Rachel featured in this story as well.

Genres = Romance/Friendship/Supernatural/Humour/Angst

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Chapter 1-Being Jewish Sucks:

It was just an ordinary Saturday night for Noah Puckerman. He had feasted on chips and a salsa flavoured dip rather than consume a proper cooked meal before trying to convince Lauren to get back with him. After having his pride and dignity wrestled to the ground of her front lawn, he had stumbled away before heading to Santana's with the hope of proving he was still a sex shark. However, it seemed that Santana was fully committed to lesbianism these days and her only form of comfort was to offer him a bottle of Jack Daniels and advise him to 'man up'.

For a good hour and a half, Puck had stood outside the Seven Eleven looking depressed, the near empty bottle of Jack hanging loosely in his hand. He had briefly taken a detour to the dark alleyway where he received a blow-job from a nerdy male who looked to be in his late twenties. Again, nothing particularly out of the ordinary as far as Puck was concerned. In his mind, a blow-job was a blow-job no matter who it came from. However, when the nerdy guy expressed desires for something more, Puck had to bail before he crossed some kind of line and stepped into the gay section.

Leaving the man in the alleyway, Puck leaned up against the wall and focused on looking depressed again. Eventually, an older woman took pity on him and bought him some alcohol before inviting him into her car. With some old eighties music playing from the car stereo, Puck had followed the woman, who introduced herself as Alyson, into the back seat of the car. The gold wedding band on Alyson's finger clearly indicated that she was married, not that Puck really cared. Doing the nasty with the married woman gave Puck a much needed ego-boost and he was able to swagger on home with a satisfied smirk on his lips, fully confident in his sex appeal once again.

Heading upstairs to his bedroom, he loaded up his T.V and Xbox before engaging himself in a serious gaming session. Part way through a game, a peculiar feeling swept through him. His gaze flickered to his alarm clock and he noted that it had just turned midnight before he released a huge yawn. His eyelids were drooping shut and his head felt heavy. Unable to hold himself up, Puck fell back against the mattress, his head missing the pillows by a few inches. Mouth hanging open and his Xbox control pad still in his hand, Puck's mind became lost in an intensely deep sleep.

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Over in the Berry household, husbands Hiram and Leroy checked in on their daughter. Snuggled up in bed and cuddling up to a teddy-bear, Rachel looked relaxed and peaceful as she let out a series of snores that slightly resembled some Broadway tune. Quietly closing Rachel's bedroom door back up, the two men made their way to their own bedroom for the night.

Just as they settled peacefully under the covers of their own bed, down the hall from them, Rachel stirred fitfully in her sleep, her body contorting in all manner of uncomfortable angles. Pained whines slipped from her lips as she tossed and turned at a violent pace, her limbs getting tangled in the bed sheets. Although she did not fully wake, her eyes did flutter open from time to time, her subconscious mind struggling to process as her own familiar ceiling shifted into one she did not recognise. The fluttering of her eyelids ceased, as did her frantic movement. Her body ached all over and she lacked the energy to move as she plunged deep into the depths of slumber once more.

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On Sunday morning, Puck woke up far too early for his liking. Stomach down and eyes still closed, he let out a dissatisfied groan and flipped his pillow over to rest his cheek on the cooler side. Stretching his legs out, Puck willed his mind to go back to sleep, but the twittering birds outside his window seemed to be against his decision to gain more rest. Giving up on sleep, Puck rolled onto his back and rubbed a hand over his face. Still feeling a little groggy, he stumbled out of bed. He had just stepped out of his bedroom and into the hallway when he froze on the spot, something nudging at the back of his mind telling him that something was very wrong.

Looking down at himself, mind not quite registering that it was odd for him to be wearing a nightgown, he found that the floor seemed closer than it usually did, as if he'd shrunk during the night. His mind was just cluing him in to the fact that the carpet he was standing on was not from his own house when he heard a door open and close, followed by the sound of footsteps.

Reaching his hand down to cup himself between the legs, his face morphed into an expression of deep confusion and disappointment.

"Mama, where's my penis?" Puck asked, his tone and demeanour strangely calm considering the situation.

Not hearing his mother reply, Puck dropped his hand from his crotch and looked up to find two men staring at him with expressions of deep concern.

"Rachel?" One of the men asked looking at Puck. "Are you feeling ok?" A hand reached out to rest on Puck's forehead.

Eyes widening upon being addressed as 'Rachel', Puck pressed his hand between his legs again, hoping that he'd feel his much beloved bulge back in its rightful place. He whimpered slightly when his experienced fingers teased the lips of what could only be a vagina. Moving his hands up, he cupped the small mounds on his chest and for the first time ever he found the act of touching boobs to be disturbing. His hands then flew up to his head. Instead of his treasured mohawk, he felt a growth of hair all over his scalp and he followed it down to feel a long braid tied at the back.

"Rachel, sweetie, what's wrong?" The other man asked.

"I'm a girl!" Puck screamed before running back into Rachel's bedroom and slamming the door shut.

Outside in the hallway, Leroy and Hiram looked to one another.

"Period." They said in unison before shrugging their shoulders and heading downstairs.

Inside Rachel's bedroom, Puck was freaking out as he examined his reflection in the mirror only to find the face of Rachel Berry staring back at him.

"This sucks." Puck mumbled to himself. "This has to be some weird hangover or something." He tried to reason as he threw himself back onto the bed and hid under the covers. "This isn't real. Either I'm really drunk or I'm totally high because there is no way in Hell that I'm stuck in a chick's body. I just need to sober up and then I'll be back in my own hot body with Puckzilla standing up proudly for a good morning jack-off."

He closed his eyes tight and even held his breath to the point where he almost passed out. However, when he kicked the covers off of himself he was still in Rachel's bed, still in Rachel's room and still trapped in her body.

"God?" Puck asked staring up at the ceiling. "Jesus? Satan? Spider Man? Pink Power Ranger? I promise, if you just help me get my dick back, I'll use protection all the time and I'll only sleep with chick that are really, really, really hot. Deal?" He asked hopefully.

Shutting his eyes again, he blindly reached a hand down himself, but it was still Rachel's body he was feeling up rather than his own.

"Fuck, this is real." Puck swore before freaking out a little more.

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Meanwhile, Rachel Berry was trapped in Puck's body and sobbing hysterically as Puck's mother and sister stared at him curiously.

"Can I slap him?" Puck's sister, Melanie, asked hopefully.

"Go and clean your teeth Mel." Puck's mother, Nora, answered. "Noah, can you hear me?" She questioned studying her son carefully.

Rachel shook her head frantically at the woman's words and babbled incoherently. She clutched at Puck's mohawk in severe distress before holding her throat, trying to signal to the woman her intense devastation over losing her singing voice.

"Noah Puckerman," Nora said interrupting Rachel's unintelligible babbling, "If I find out that you're on drugs I'll be giving you a second circumcision. Then a third. Then a fourth." She threatened waiting for a reaction from her son but he seemed unbothered by the threat to his manhood and more distressed over something else.

"Can I slap him now?" Mel asked as the twelve year old returned to her brother's bedroom where Rachel Berry was crying in the guise of her muscular mohawked and very male team mate.

"No." Nora responded before striking her son's face herself.

The slap startled Rachel enough to put a momentary pause to her cries. Tears still clinging from eyelashes that were not her own, Rachel stood on shaky legs and took a series of deep breaths trying to regain her composure.

"If you'll excuse me I need to make a phone call." Rachel said, wincing a little as she heard Puck's voice sound out the words she had uttered.

"We'll talk later." Nora said fixing Rachel with a stern expression before leading her daughter out of the room.

Closing the bedroom door after the two Puckerman women had stepped out, Rachel hunted the room in search of Puck's cell phone. She wrinkled her nose in disgust when she accidentally stumbled across Puck's stash of porn mags. Picking up one of Puck's jackets off the floor, Rachel looked through the pockets and found his wallet. Being nosy, she looked through it and found that it contained a five dollar note, a condom and a photo of Beth. Setting the wallet aside, she searched the pockets of Puck's dirty jeans and found the boy's phone.

Scrolling through the contact details, she looked for her own name but was unable to find the name 'Rachel'. Scrolling back up, she decided that her number must be the one Puck had labelled as 'Barbara'. Pressing the appropriate button, she held the phone to her ear and fidgeted nervously as she waited for an answer. It rang for a long while and she was just about to give up when she heard her own voice on the other end of the line.

"Noah?" Rachel asked. "Are you in my body?" She whispered the question, glancing around the room suspiciously as though expecting to find Jacob Ben Israel eavesdropping.

"Yeah," Puck answered, "and so far I don't like it. What the hell happened to us?"

"I'm not confident that I can provide an accurate explanation." Rachel replied. "All I know is that I woke up like this. We have to find a way to fix it, as soon as possible or I won't be able to perform a spectacular solo at Regionals."

"Screw Regionals," Puck retorted, "I want my freaking penis back."

"Maybe we should go to the hospital." Rachel suggested.

"No way, they'll think we're crazy." Puck pointed out.

"Do you have a better idea?" Rachel enquired.

"I dunno, I'm still kinda hoping I'll just wake up and find this isn't real." Puck told her.

"Perhaps this is a Jewish thing." Rachel offered with little conviction. "Maybe every Jew has an unexplained experience like this during their teenage years. It could be this huge Jewish secret that only the adults know and they're forbidden from discussing it in front of children and teenagers until they've experienced the situation themselves."

"Huh, if that's true then being Jewish sucks." Puck commented bitterly. "Fuck, your dads are calling me." He swore. "Look, just try and stay calm. Don't say anything to anyone about this. I'll see you at school tomorrow and if we're still in each other's bodies we'll sort this out then."

"Wait, Noah." Rachel said but Puck had already hung up on her. "Ok, I can get through this." She told herself bracingly. "I'll just treat it as an acting exercise. Then tomorrow I'll see Noah and together we'll sort this little mix-up out. Everything will be fine. I'm only stuck inside the body of a male teenage boy after all. What's the worst that could happen?"

So… worth continuing?

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Love and Hugs, IceQueenRia xxx