Author's note: Hey everyone! So this is my first time posting here and I hope I tagged everything okay, so forgive me if I haven't. Anyway, this is something I wrote and it turned actually a lot sadder and angstier (is that a word? lmao) than I originally planned, but hey, it happens. Takes place after episode 2.08. Please enjoy!
-
It is during the transition from emptiness to helplessness when Elena makes the decision to get belligerently drunk, simply because she's so sick of feeling nothing. She wants to feel something, she tells herself, although she's not sure what. It doesn't take long for Elena to realize that she wants to feel anything, she finally decides, anything that will give her at least one teeny-tiny ounce of confirmation to let her know she's still here. Proof, if you will, that she's still living, not just existing in this messed up world she's entangled in.
It is not soon after this decision that she realizes she must go far away to do it, simply because she cannot stand the people surrounding her any longer.
She's sick of Bonnie's worried eyes, how they pierce her whenever she "comes by" as if she were just passing through the neighborhood, pretending that everything in the past week didn't happen. As if it were a year ago, when Bonnie wasn't a witch and vampires and werewolves and other folklore creatures didn't exist; the times when they were two normal teenagers, living the standard high school life. Elena discovers that maybe if it were a year ago she'd believe Bonnie, but not now. Not anymore.
Jeremy annoys her even more. She hates that he's become involved in this now, how he's so intense and serious and devoted to this world she tried so hard to protect him from. It's not for him, she knows, but it's a lost cause and there's ultimately nothing she can do to change his mind. He checks on her in her room all the time, asking filler questions she knows he's only asking because he feels he needs to. He knows the true answers even when she doesn't give them to him, but doesn't pry because he doesn't want to push her. She wishes he would, just so she could let it all out, explode with a reason. Sometimes she thinks that is the exact reason he doesn't push her. But time drags on and her mind becomes so warped that she's not sure what to think anymore.
Stefan's not any better. He doesn't come by as often as Bonnie, but she can tell that he wishes he did. He won't, though, because Stefan is too much of a gentleman to disregard Elena's previous words, how she needs to feel safe. This is probably what annoys her most about Stefan. He's a pushover, she concludes, and she needs someone who can pushher, not someone who steps away when she needs someone to step in. Stefan doesn't prod her with questions, nor does he try and say things he knows that she knows won't be true in attempt to make her feel better. Instead he just sits on the bed next to her, inches away, wondering when she'll finally make the move to crawl into his lap and cry.
She never does, though, and Stefan is starting to realize things are changing between them. The times where she used to tell him everything that was bothering her are gone, he knows, but what he doesn't know is how to fix it. So quietly he sits, waiting for her to break the silence between them, waiting for her to come back.
Damon. Elena's not too sure what to make of Damon, simply because he's never anywhere. She hasn't seen him since her rescue, although she feels as if she has but can't place where or when. She knows it's crazy and she knows she just might be delusional but she almost feels as if he has been there somehow, somewhere that she was too, at the same place and time. The first week passes and then the second and she learns to just pass the feeling off as that he just visited her in a dream, one she can't quite remember but knows happened. She hates that she associates her feelings of emptiness and loneliness with him because she just doesn't know why. She tells herself it's because she hasn't seen him like everyone else has; she doesn't have an interaction with him after the incident to tell her otherwise.
-
It's a Tuesday night when she leaves, calling a cab to pick her up. She tells the service her house is two blocks down to avoid suspicion, telling Jenna she's staying at Caroline's for the night to work on a project. Caroline hasn't been by in weeks and the way Elena delivers the lie is incredibly forced, but Jenna's learned not to question these things anymore. It's funny how things have adjusted, how every excuse is bullshit and made up on the spot, but is not protested due to fear of the truth. Elena lets out a bitter laugh as she leaves her house, not even bothering to shut the front door.
She goes to a bar named The Shake N' Date, a busy place that has a dance floor and a different DJ every night. She knows her decision is stupid, but somehow it doesn't stop her from clutching her underused fake ID close to her heart and stepping inside.
It takes three shots of tequila and one beer for Elena to feel tipsy, tipsy to the point where she finds herself flirting with the cute bartender, the one who buys her drinks and tells her she's a sight for sore eyes. She finds herself swooning a little bit, excited by the attention. She feels normal, for once, a feeling she hasn't felt in such a long time. If she wasn't being sympathized because of her dead parents, she was being introduced to a supernatural world, filled with witches and vampires and just anything but normal.
It's not long before the man next to her asks her to dance, - and was he here the whole time? She can't seem to remember for the life of her – at which point she's had two more shots and some other drink she's not sure the name of, but hey, the cute bartender gave it to her, so she didn't ask questions. She is about to accept with glossy eyes and a lopsided smile, but when she turns to face the man, her grin slides off her face and she freezes.
Damon is standing in front of her and even though she's pretty positive he's the one who asked her to dance, his expression does not match the words. He's glaring at her, his eyes almost black, his lips turned into a frown. She knows that he isn't happy and she knows it's unbelievable, but she feels her heart pick up speed, beating a mile a minute and she's not sure why.
"What are you doing here?" she manages to slur out, skipping over vowels and consonants she deems unimportant. After she asks this she realizes that she doesn't care about the answer but that this is it, this is the confrontation she's been waiting for; the one where she can decide whether or not it's right to blame all her feelings of emptiness and just this fucking nothingness on him.
He takes her by the wrist and begins to lead her out of the bar, his grip secure enough to string her along but not too tight where it hurts. He doesn't say anything more to her and its seconds later that they're both outside, the cool air hitting her like a ton of bricks.
She whips her hand out of his grip, turning away quickly. "Why are you even here?" she asks again, her eyes trying to focus on his body form. She can see pretty clearly, but things are moving in the background – cars? – and it's making her head spin and she's not sure how much longer she can glare at him for.
Not even a second goes by before Damon is in her face, close but not too close, the ever present glare back on his handsome features. "Do you know how stupid you are?" he asks, but before she can answer he's away again, running his hand through his hair. "I did not just save you so you can get kidnapped again," he snarls, and while this statement is supposed to sound sweet and protective, it doesn't, coming from his lips.
Elena's not sure how to respond, because his answer didn't tilt her decision in either direction. She realizes that unless she prods and pushes and pries she's not going to get anything that convinces her he's the reason; he's why she feels as if she's a ghost of herself, something that doesn't feel or act but floats around endlessly.
"How did you know I was even here?" she prods, because she actually doesn't know the answer.
It's then when she notices his blue Chevy parked next to the sidewalk. Damon just sighs, clearly annoyed.
"It's not important, Elena. Just get in the car," he says, gesturing to the vehicle.
Elena was always stubborn, but when she drinks, she takes it to an annoyingly obsessive level. "No," she says defiantly. "Answer the question, Damon," she demands.
Instead of giving an answer, he counters with a question of his own. "Do you honestly think Stefan and Bonnie and everyone else are the only ones watching you?"
Elena realizes this kind of sounds creepy and stalkerish but she doesn't care. All she takes from this is that although Damon never made himself known, he was there, in some weird way. He actually was taking care of her, and for some reason unknown to her, she felt her heart soar at his words.
She looks at the man who stands before her now, with his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes angry and his expression unflinching. She knows this look, the one where he's trying so hard to be intimidating and frightening but she knows better. She's not stupid, because she knows he's dangerous and cold and cunning because she's seen it, but she knows he would never hurt her. This look isn't valid to her, not anymore. It's why she looks at him so confused now, because the look is just an act he's hiding behind, but like everything else concerning Damon these days, she just can't place why.
She waits a few minutes before she says, "I – I can't feel, Damon," her voice is softer and quieter and not as slurred as it was prior. "I don't know why, but I can't feel anything but pain, and hurt, and I just want it to go away. And it's just – it's killing me," she feels her voice crack as she says the words, and as she's speaking she sees Damon's glare fade away. It's not totally gone, but his face definitely grew softer and that's how she knows.
It only takes another second for a tear to fall from her eye because now she knows; she knows he's the reason why she is the way she is now. She's not sure if it's because of something good or bad or perfect or tragic, but she finds that she doesn't care. All she knows is the aftermath is awful and painful and scary, simply because she doesn't understand the why's and the how's or even the what's. She finds herself pouring out everything, words she couldn't even say to Stefan because it didn't feel right.
"I feel empty all the time and I just – I don't know where to go," she decides to say, and it is this comment that breaks Damon, where he vamps over to her and brings her into him. She wraps her arms around him tightly and sighs because it is here where she realizes she's finally feeling again. She feels hurt and sad as she's in his arms and although it's not ecstatic and exciting, she realizes it's something. And that's all that matters to her.
Seconds after their embrace began, it ended. Damon pulls away and walks a few steps from her before turning around and gesturing for her to follow him. "You shouldn't be here," he says. "Let's go home."
Elena complies this time, walking toward the car. "Am I going to be okay?" she asks before she climbs in.
Damon doesn't answer but instead gazes at her and she is captivated by his blue eyes, taking all of her drunken concentration to listen as he answers. "Soon," is all he says, because he knows if he says anything else, it'll give him away.
The car ride home is silent and awkward but comforting in ways Stefan couldn't provide. There's just something Elena finds reassuring about this car and the man in the driver's seat that she can't quite place, but recognizes that it's for the first time in weeks she falls asleep easily, her head resting against the window, nightmares and bad dreams nonexistent.
When she finally arrives home, her buzz has worn off and she's suddenly just tired, her eyes growing heavy. Instead of climbing into bed, she finds herself sitting by her window, drawing back the shades so the street light shines into her bedroom. She doesn't open it all the way, though she does stare into the darkness, wondering where he is.
She can't see him anywhere, but it's dark and the streetlight is dull and after all he is a vampire, so she knows if he doesn't want to be seen, he won't be. She doesn't have any evidence to prove it, but she almost feels his presence in the air around her. She's not sure why this surprises her but it does, and she's even more surprised to learn that she feels security and safety swell up inside her as her heart breaks in half.
She realizes she's associating these two words with Damon and her heart but it's too late to analyze it; not tonight.
"Thank you," she finds herself whispering into the night, her voice barely audible. It's all she can say before her throat closes up and a lump grows, a sure fire sign she's going to cry. She has so much to thank him for that she's not even sure what she's referring to, but hopes that he just hears it and somehow understands. It's all she can offer at the moment, because she's not sure what she feels or what connections she's made with tonight's events and what it means. This is what's the most heartbreaking to her, the fact that she cannot decipher anything at all – just retaining the emptiness she had felt before. It only takes seconds for Elena to feel tears cloud her vision again, and it's here where she crawls into bed, tears soaking her pillow until morning.