Before reading, please note that this story may not necessarily follow all of the events that occur in the trilogy.

~K.

1

I stood and waited for the train to take me back to the Capitol, back to everything I'd tried to escape. I tried to think nothing of it, I tried to imagine it as a trip. I knew it wasn't a trip. I knew it was returning to the things I'd been having nightmares about ever since they begun. I couldn't stop them. I couldn't erase it all from my mind.

The sun had long set, and the air was frosty with mist. I exhaled and watched the fog out of my breath simmer into the air. It occurred to me that I didn't know where Peeta was, but he was probably on his way, or already there. Either way, he wasn't in sight. The train pulled up and I huddled inside as soon as the door opened. A burst of toasty warm hit my skin.

My mind flooded of memories from when I'd first stepped foot on this train, and all of the events that followed. I quickly tried to dismiss them, but they wouldn't go. At least not as long as I kept having to come back. For now, they hovered in my mind until I could find something to distract them with.

It was eerily quiet. I headed to the dining room, where I'd been told to meet Haymitch and Effie for dinner. I paced down the corridor, looking for a sign of people. It was oddly silent for a time of evening like this. I began to think I wasn't supposed to be here. My mind began to panic.

"Alright, sweetheart?" I almost jumped, until I realised who it was. There was no mistaking Peeta's voice. I turned my head and saw him standing there, his grin lit by the chandelier that stood above him. I tried not to smile, but did anyway.

"I'm quite fine thank you, Haymitch." I replied with a giggle.

"That's excellent to hear." I turned around to find Haymitch leaning against the doorway, smirking with a glass of whiskey in his hand. I could see he hadn't changed.

I began to laugh, and followed as Haymitch lead us into the dining room. Effie wasn't here yet. Unusual for her, she was normally the organised one.

"Where's Effie?" I asked. The room looked incomplete without her, glaring and tutting at Haymitch and doing the Effie kind of things she usually does.

"If I knew half of the things about that woman..." Haymitch started. Peeta and I sat at the table and smiled at each other as Haymitch complained about how 'mysteriously Effie's mind must work', until she finally arrived and interrupted him by clearing her throat. She stood in the doorway, almost like Haymitch had, smiling in her odd orange dress that didn't really compliment her green wig, yellow jacket, and red heels. Typical, original Effie.

"Oh, there must be some mistake," began Haymitch. "We didn't order a fruit salad."

We all laughed, except Effie, who strutted over to him. She was about to say something, but was stopped by a figure who spoke out from across the room.

"Did I miss something?" We all turned to see Cinna, in his black shirt and tie, being cheerful and Cinna-like as always. I hadn't seen him for so long, it was almost strange, like greeting an old friend you hadn't seen for years. Maybe it was a bit like that.

"Cinna!" We all called out at once.

I immediately got out of my chair and he held his arms open for me to run into. He was warm and smelt like expensive perfume, just like he used to. The scent almost comforted me.

"Dressed for the occasion, are we?" Haymitch commented to him, as we separated, taking a sip of whiskey from his glass. I never did understand how he could tolerate the taste of that disgusting stuff. But I guess it wasn't about the taste.

"When aren't I, Haymitch?" Cinna grinned. "I see you made some effort into your evening-wear tonight, too."

"Ah, not really. It comes naturally to me," Haymitch laughed.

After all of the greetings and chatting and telling each other how hungry we were, we all sat down to a lamb and dried plum stew. I was sure they was trying to re-create everything as how it was before, but I didn't mention it.

"So, Katniss, Peeta," Cinna continued. "How have the star-crossed lovers been?" He smiled. I was sure he was just genuinely curious, but I still wasn't exactly sure what my position was with the boy with the bread. As far as I knew, he loved me and I loved him. What else? I didn't know how to reply, and as usual, Peeta stepped in and covered for me.

I never was any good at being put on the spot. My mind begins to fog up. Then I think perhaps it was the stew, which Haymitch had earlier mentioned had wine in. I wasn't sure if he was joking or not, but it didn't bother me that much.

"We haven't seen that much of each other recently," Peeta said. His voice sounded sad. I understood what he meant. I'd been spending a lot of time by myself lately. I began to find that time spent with other people was time that was potential trouble, so I kept myself to myself. I didn't need any more hassle from anyone. I got by.

"Oh," said Cinna awkwardly. I wasn't sure how he interpreted it. Silence took hold of the room for a while, until Peeta continued.

"We've both been quite busy, you know. Nothing that can't be fixed." He smiled shyly, and so did I. I found that everyone's eyes were fixed on me. I continued to eat to distract the attention from myself, and thought.

The truth was, that I did miss the boy with the bread. He was the one gave me hope. He gave me something that I would never be able to pay back to him, like the rest of the things I owed him. At least I thought that was something I couldn't give him back.

I could never tell what Peeta saw in me, to stay there, to never give up on me. But whatever it was, I was thankful for it.

Effie eventually saved us all from the silence that surrounded our ears. I didn't really listen to what she was talking about, but Cinna and Haymitch joined into the conversation, too. Me and Peeta sat there, quietly, glancing at each other every so often. After we were all finished, I wanted the evening to end, and before I knew it we were all going off to bed. I wished Peeta good night, and before I got to my room I was stopped by Cinna.

"Hey, girl on fire," Cinna said.

"Hey, Cinna." I smiled.

"What's going on, you know... With you and Peeta?" He questioned.

"Nothing," I assured him. And that was true. Nothing had happened between us.

"I just thought that maybe something had happened, between the two of you. You seemed a bit... Uncomfortable with each other."

I stared at him. I didn't know what he meant.

"No, it's not really like that. It's just odd, being back here like this. We both got into new routines, back home."

Even though I called it home, it wasn't my real home. My real home was back in the Seam, in our house, with mother and Prim. And Buttercup. Can't forget Buttercup.

"Alright. I was worried that you and him weren't getting on or something. But if everything's good, that's great."

"We're good. Thanks, Cinna." And he left me in my room to think.

The more I thought about it, the more it was clear to me. It wasn't about being here. It was a fear that I'd just realised. A fear of losing that I couldn't control. It clouded over me every second of the day. It had confused me for a while, and now I'd only just realised what I was confused about.

I did not want to lose the boy with the bread.

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