Author's notes:

A angst ridden fan fic inspired by Emeli Sande's stunning debut album - I'm telling you it has McKonno angst underlying every song. Set around mid-season 1 onwards, Steve and Kono are already in a relationship, but due to Steven's guarded-ness the relationship is struggling. Please bare with me, its my first fan-fic, hope it isn't too awful =/

Maybe

Kono's POV

Maybe things have been hard for a while now... he has changed, withdrawn, unable to brush things off and paste on a smile. I try to encourage him to talk to me, but my pleas fall on deaf ears. He seems to shy away from any personal conversations.

I can not exactly pinpoint the exact day he changed, but I'm sure the revelation of his Mother being murdered closely followed by the abduction of Mary sent him in to a tail spin. I mean ofcourse it would with anyone, thearpy would be required for most people. He's not most people, he believes he can cope with anything.

I know he is afraid of what else can happen to those he loves, and I am sure that is one of the reason's for his distancing himself from me.

We would spend most of our nights at his place, rarely would I find myself at mine, but recently without my knowing it's been the opposite, not in a obvious "I don't want you here anymore!" way, he just thought it would be a 'nice' change. He forgets that i can read him like a book, I am more sure it was because he wants to keep me a secret from those who may be looking to harm his family, not that we discuss it, that's not to say I haven't tried though!

He sleeps here most nights sometimes arriving while I am asleep, I awake to find him sitting in the chair opposite just watching me, with a look of concern.

Intimacy is rare, a smile, I mean a real smile is rare.. a kiss on the forehead and a hug is as close as it gets. I miss him so much, the closeness, the comfort he gave me at night after a particularly emotional case being woken in the middle of the night with gentle kisses and warm hands enveloping me bringing me closer a desperation to be connected after a night terror, feeling wanted, desired. I miss that. Now he wakes up in a cold sweat and vacates the house choosing to run the desperation away.

All the signs seem to say love is lost

But I don't want to give up yet because

Maybe it's time to try and talk about it with him once more, it never goes well, generally he leaves the conversation and I end up crying down by the beach. I'm not willing to give up on us, I know with all my heart he has always been what I needed. Even if I only get this version of him - will that be enough?

Fact is I'm hurting, he is hurting, we are not communicating, we're living different lives. At work it's different he laughs and pretends this are good, we act professional, fall into the normal pattern of Rookie & Boss. At home... silence returns.

Maybe you could stay a bit longer

Or I could try abit harder

We could make it work

But maybe we should stop pretending

We both know we're hurting

Maybe it's time to go

So it's done, I hate fighting especially when there is no making up to be done. I mentioned that we couldn't go on like this, that I loved him so much but his unwilligness to let me in, when all i wanted was us to be able to talk openly without him feeling i was interrigating him was not helping. I told him I felt unneccessary in his life, he barely looked in my direction in our private life and any signs of love were seldom recipricated by him. I was expecting something an admittance of guilt an offer to try harder. Nothing all I got was "I think your right" and he left.

I was too stunned to say anything as I saw the door close behind him, replaying what i said did he not hear me say I wanted to make it work and that I loved him? Was it not enough?

Apparently me on the beach soothing myself with the sounds of the waves to get my breathing under control would dictate not.

I recall getting up from the beach and making my way back to the house when dawn came and the coolness surround me. I somehow made it my couch re-playing the drama over and over in my head looking at your bags by the door, that i gathered after you left. The level headed professional in my wanted to clear out straight away, we had to work with eachother after all. I hear the key turn in the door, not relizing that I have been crying, I struggle to recognize who it is with a blurry vision. My heart stills, the butterflies in my stomach return.

Have you had a change of heart?

Can we go back to the start?

He gathers me in his arms and apologizes over and over and over again, punctuated with kisses that make me light headed. He leads me to the bedroom, questions still unanswered, worries and concerns still left hanging in the air. I don't care right now, I'm in his arms, for the first time in weeks he is showing me that he loves me too.

Maybe we could make this work.