Note: I honestly thought I'd posted this months ago! I'm such a mess. I hope you like it.
Album title from For Emma, Forever Ago by Bon Iver. Songs used:
Look At Me - Damien Rice
Cheers Darlin' - Damien Rice
What This Night Is For - Damien Rice
Long Road Home - Charlie Simpson
Dear Marie - John Mayer.
It's a love letter. From start to finish, every word, every chord is a promise, a declaration. For her, to her. Songs she knows from her childhood, remembers him singing, fingers lazily moving against the strings of his guitar. And ones she's never heard before, filled with things she spent many an adolescent night dreaming he'd say.
It's a story, the progression of his feelings laid out before her, before the world, open and raw and painful. She's crying by the second song, sobbing by the fifth, and left dazed as the final notes draw to a close. And in the silence that follows, his words remain loud in her head. Hope and regret at war in her heart.
His picture stares up at her from the plastic cover. He's as beautiful as ever, rugged and handsome and so soulful, his ever present guitar resting on his lap. The years have been kind to him. Adding strength to his limbs and wisdom to his eyes. His hair is shorter, gone are the floppy blond locks that had high school girls drooling over yearbook pictures. Now it's cropped close to his head, but it suits him.
Despite all the changes, he's as familiar to her at twenty-six as he was at eighteen.
They were best friends from the moment they laid eyes on each other. Two lonely kids with less than perfect homes, they were kindred spirits. His parents were cold and distant, and hers were… complicated. She was seven when they met, but she still cites that day as one of the best in her life. Oliver shaped her childhood, without him every single minute would have been different, and so much worse than it was.
She still misses him. His career took off a few years ago, and she watched him perform on television with tears in her eyes. When they were kids she would always tell him that he could do anything he wanted. There was nothing he wasn't capable of if he just put his mind to it. It's that pep talk that got him through high school.
There have been many times over the past years, when she's considered getting hold of him. But she's always chickened out at the last minute, because despite their longstanding friendship, somewhere inside, she's still the nerdy teenager harboring an unrequited love for her best friend.
So she's seen as all the dreams he would tell her about when they were young, came true before her eyes. With her watching at a distance, filled with pride and love that never faded.
But now here she is, sitting in the parking lot at Target, with tears slipping down her cheeks because he's written an album with her name on it, and he's saying all the things she felt all those years ago, and she's sure she's forgotten how to breathe.
For Felicity, Forever Ago.
She'd heard that he had a new album coming out soon, but she'd been busy with her job, and for once hadn't watched every interview he'd done to promote it. So it wasn't until a late drive home forced her to stop at the only place that stays open past eleven in their hometown, that she saw it.
His face staring up at her from a rack filled with dozens of CDs. Her name written in cursive across his chest.
Her tub of ice cream finds a new home on the floor as shaking hands reach for the album. Her thumb traces across the embossed words. For Felicity, Forever Ago. And for a second she's not there anymore. She's not in a Target in the middle of the night, aged twenty-five with too many regrets and too few dreams. She's fourteen and listening to Oliver's laugh as they lie on his bedroom floor. His guitar in his hands, idle chords slowly evolving into a tune.
"What will you name your albums?" She'd asked, flipping through his vinyl collection, sure in the knowledge that one day he'd find his own place among the greats.
"I'll name them after things that matter."
She'd turned to look at him, to find his eyes already on her, a smile playing at his lips.
"Like what?"
"How about… Felicity."
She'd laughed and tossed a cushion his way, ignoring the way her stomach flipped. And as she always did, when her feelings became too confusing, too intense, she'd changed the subject.
His albums always have beautiful names. And even though she hasn't understood every one, the years spent apart leaving room for plenty of things that matter that she's no longer a part of, she's recognized some.
She lets herself wonder for a moment if it's a reference to another Felicity. Perhaps she isn't the only one he's known. Perhaps he has a whole team of Felicitys now. Dozens of bright eyed girls telling him that they believe in him. That whatever happens right now, his future will still be bright.
She can't stop shaking as she buys it. Her legs feel dead and her chest aches in a way it hasn't in years. She was so in love with him. That sort of love where you know if they died you would too. That sort of love that rarely goes away. It gets buried, and the wounds that surround it heal. It stops hurting quite as much, and days become easier to bare. But it's always there in the background, just waiting for someone to scratch at the thin wrapping, and let it loose once more.
And sitting in her car, in a darkened carpark, all that wrapping she's spent years perfecting, gets torn away.
It's not until she plays the first song, that it settles in her mind that it's real. It's about her, for her. Not another Felicity he's met in the last eight years, but her.
Because the first song is one she knows well.
It's a song he sang to her so many times the words are imprinted in her brain.
It's her lullaby.
She couldn't sleep for weeks after her father left. She was fifteen and Oliver was sixteen and his voice allowed her the rest she'd been denied for so many nights. He sat by her bed, guitar in his lap, softly singing, fingers slowly strumming, until her eyes drifted closed.
She's sure that's when she fell in love with him. She barely even knew what love was, but she felt it for him. Right there, with his promises in her ear, fading into her dreams, she fell in love with her best friend.
Look into my eyes and you'll feel that I will protect you…
She knows the words so well, can remember every time he sang them, every time he whispered them, every time he promised them. His voice is different now, the words a little rougher, heavier than they were when they were kids. But it's still him. It's still the boy who sang her to sleep for weeks on end.
Look at me, look at me and little by little be sleepy…
He'd made the song up on the spot. With her sobbing into her pillow and his attempts to comfort her gone unnoticed, he'd resorted to what he did best. Sitting down on the floor, he'd started singing to her. Making the words up as he went.
Then close your tired eyes, so wet from crying,
Close them and you'll see that no one will hurt you at all…
Her tears had dried on her cheeks, her muscles relaxing into her bed, taking every lyric that fell from his mouth as the vow it was.
Close your tired eyes and you'll see that no one will harm you,
Close your tired eyes and you'll feel that I will protect you,
Close your tired eyes and you'll feel that you belong…
She has an ancient old cassette tape of him singing it, still sitting in her room at home. He gave it to her for her birthday, so that even when he wasn't there, she'd still be able to hear her lullaby before she went to sleep. It was recorded in his bedroom, he misses a guitar chord in the middle, and the sound of rain hitting his window can be heard in the background. The tape ends with him wishing her goodnight, and then a muffled curse as he presses the wrong button, before a click as the recording finishes. It's one of her most valued possessions. A piece of her childhood that she can always carry with her.
The track draws to a close, bringing her out of her reverie, and she has no time to prepare before it skips to the next one.
And I die when you mention his name
And I lied, I should have kissed you
When we were running in the rain
She's never heard the words before. But the tune sparks a memory that has her chest aching.
Ray Palmer was her first boyfriend, her first attempt to feel something for someone other than Oliver. She was seventeen and had spent years loving him already, years so close to him but never quite close enough. She didn't think she could do it any longer. Every time he looked at her she was sure her feelings were painted across her face, so she ran from him. Ran from them.
Oliver was the only constant in her life, the only person who had never left her. The thought of jeopardizing that with an unrequited declaration of love was unbearable. She needed him in her life, even if it was just as a friend.
So when Ray asked her out, she said yes.
He was a nice guy, they got along well, and for a brief moment she thought that maybe she could love someone new after all. Ray was her first kiss, after the school football team won their final match that summer, he kissed her joyously, right on the field. She'd run out to congratulate Oliver, as she always did every year. But instead found herself in Ray's arms with his lips covering hers and the crowds cheering around them. It was a good first kiss, the sort that most people hope to be lucky enough to experience, but she still remembers the lead in her chest when she pulled away just in time to see Oliver turn his back on them. He walked off the field without a glance her way and every good feeling she'd felt just a few seconds earlier dissolved into pain.
They'd all met up at the local diner that evening and Oliver had been wrapped around Sara, lips or hands constantly brushing over her skin. Sara was lovely, and perhaps that's what made it so hard, Felicity understood why Oliver would go for her. Why he'd want to be with someone like that. Fearless and daring, beautiful and confident. They were a perfect match. And the worst part was, she couldn't begrudge it of either of them. They were her friends, and she loved them both enough to know that if they wanted to be together they should. So she hid her sorrow beneath a smile.
But every now and then she'd look up and their eyes would meet, like he'd already been watching her, and it was the start of the end. It was the start of them both pulling away too far.
He'd been humming under his breath. He did that a lot, tunes constantly popped into his head and he'd hum them out until he felt they were good enough to try on his guitar.
I die when he comes around
To take you home
I'm too shy
I should have kissed you when we were alone
He'd been humming this tune. She's sure of it.
Later that night she let Ray drive her home and left him on her doorstep without a kiss, disappearing into her bedroom and trying not to cry.
She remembers wondering if it would ever get better, or if she'd been cursed to spend her entire life pining after a man she'd never have. She remembers hating herself for being so pathetic, for being such a cliché.
There's a note of bitterness in his voice as he sings, as though the memory is still fresh in his mind. Still painful, a sting that never quite heals. She knows the feeling.
She tries to reconcile the song with her memories. Seeing things differently, like pieces of a puzzle finally coming together. A fleeting pain in his eyes, the briskness of his walk as he left her on the field, the white of his knuckles on the table when Ray had whispered something in her ear.
Oh what am I? What am I darlin'?
I got years to wait...
How did they both manage to get it all so wrong? The disc whirs, and the digital number changes from 2 to 3.
She's got a place within the woods
Where she swings near the house in the trees
She's got a way with animals
And she invites me along to get free
She doesn't know if the song is about her. She's never heard it before, has no recollection of the tune or words. But her trip down memory lane has had its breaks cut. And for some reason, with her eyes closed and the sound of his voice filling her car, she remembers prom night and a moment she came so close to telling him the truth.
There's an army of men who'd shoot for her
Even goddesses watch when she moves
Her friends get us high and something opens up the sky
And fills us with nothing to lose
Ray took her to prom. But a group of them snuck away as the hours grew smaller, lighting a bonfire on the beach and passing around drinks, laughing and dancing and sharing stories of the year that was drawing to a close.
Oliver was with Sandra at the time, but she remembers him turning away from her as she tried to kiss him. Remembers the look on his face as he watched the flames. She'd been worried about him, but it had never occurred to her that she might be the cause of his anguish.
He's got a way of lingering
Like a ghost that just won't go away
He's got a place within the wind
He's around but I know he won't stay
When the night faded to morning, and her eyes grew heavy, Oliver, as one of the few who wasn't too drunk to drive, squeezed as many people into his car as would fit, dropping them off at their houses as they went. She was last, and she was grateful for the silence and his company, when it was just the two of them.
She'd missed him since she'd started dating Ray. They'd always had separate friends, but somehow they'd always managed to find time to spend together, and lately those hours had been fewer and farther between. Despite the way her heart beat when he smiled at her, he was her best friend, and she missed him.
Oh and we've never been in this place before
No, not as it is right now, right now
And we may never know what this night is for
So for now we'll just sit around
He asked her something about the dance, whether she enjoyed it, whether it lived up to the hype, and she smiled and rambled about lights and confetti and drinks with a little too much kick. But the truth was, it hadn't lived up to the hype. How could it when she had spent the whole night seeking him out with her eyes, just to see him wrapped around someone else? When the hands on her waist and the laughter in her ear had felt and sounded wrong because they didn't belong to him.
When they reached her house he stopped her getting out of the car with a gentle hand on her arm.
"You're happy, right Felicity?" He searched her face, looking for the truth in her answer, and even to this day she remembers how lost she felt in that moment.
She was out of her depth with her feelings for him. It went beyond high school love, and teenage infatuation, what she felt for him went right to her bones. It was so much a part of her that she couldn't even remember what it was like not to love Oliver Queen.
He looked concerned, and a little sad as he watched her and she almost cracked. She almost told him right then, almost asked him, how she could possibly be happy when she was so in love with him she could hardly think straight. But even with her buzz, and his eyes staring right into her soul, she couldn't go through with it. She was scared and insecure and she forced herself to smile because more than anything, she wanted him to be happy. He'd had a hard time over the past few years, and she didn't want to be another source of stress. It didn't occur to her that he might feel the same.
"Of course, I am." She said softly, holding his eyes for as long as she could, before they fell away. "Couldn't be happier."
"I'm glad."
She didn't look up at him, but she felt him move, and managed to prepare herself for the press of his lips against her forehead. She hated that gesture almost as much as she loved it. Hated that it was a sign of sisterly affection he only bestowed on Thea and herself, never on a woman he wanted to date. Loved it because even though it may not be in the way she wanted, it still meant he cared for her. And that meant the world.
Oh 'cause we've never been in this place before
No, not as it is right now, right now
And we may never know what this life and love, and living is for
So for now we'll just sit around
Yeah for now we'll just sit around
The next song is the one that breaks her. Because she knows the moment he's thinking of.
There's something in your heart telling you to stay
So please give it a thought at least another day
If your decision sticks then I won't be in your way
I thought you never wanted us to be apart?
In all those years spent loving him, they'd only ever had one kiss. The day she left for college, the day she left him behind, chose her mind over her heart. She's not sure she's ever really recovered from that decision. Her career appreciates it, but every other aspect of her life has been neglected since that day. Because her heart was broken before it ever had a chance to thrive.
She was off to MIT on a full ride, and he was taking a year out to travel. And days that should have been filled with excitement for the impending start to both their futures, were instead filled with unspoken sorrow, for a separation neither of them were ready for.
Oliver almost threw his plans out of the window at the last minute, deciding to call in the family name and follow her to Boston. Harvard was his father's Alma Mata, and getting him in wouldn't be all that hard. But Felicity knew it wasn't what he really wanted. He'd been talking about his trip around the world since they were kids. They used to plan to go together, see countries they'd only ever heard about, eat foreign food, learn new languages.
But her scholarship was a now or never situation, so for the first time in their lives their paths were no longer entwined. She didn't let him give up what he wanted, just to stay close to her. She was the rational one. She ignored both their hearts, and it broke them.
They shared promises of staying in touch, of seeing each other again soon, but it wasn't until they were standing in the airport that the reality of a goodbye settled in.
It's such a foreign thought for me to comprehend
When everything we love will somehow meet its end
The day will always break but not for anyone's sake
I thought you never wanted us to be apart?
They each held tickets in their hands. His to Hong Kong, hers to Boston, and for a second she felt like a little girl again. When she'd slip her hand into his larger one when she was scared, knowing that he'd always be beside her, always protect her. She didn't know how to not have that in her life. How to not have him beside her, ready to break her fall if she tripped.
She can still remember the haunted look in his eye when her flight was called. She can remember the tears on her cheeks as she rose up on her toes, and the split second decision, before she pressed her lips to his. It was a brief kiss. Hardly a lover's kiss. It was a goodbye. Her head fell to his shoulder when they broke apart, and his arms were like unbreakable shields around her back. He kissed her hair, and then her shoulder, while she squeezed her eyes shut, forcing herself to hold it together.
That moment still haunts her. The hurt still heavy in her heart as though it happened yesterday.
She's never loved anyone like she loved him. Never felt the same all-consuming fire in her veins that she felt for him. Boyfriends have come and gone, love has come and gone, but none like that.
How do I have nothing left?
How do I have nothing left?
It's such a long road home
It's such a long road home
If you let go you're undone
They said goodbye and they lost each other. They lost a little bit of themselves at the same time.
She sits in that Target parking lot, listening to his album from start to finish, and then again. She listens and she cries until she can't anymore, because he's spoken every secret feeling she ever had for him. All those years she spent wishing she could tell him how she felt, he was doing the same.
There are songs about days spent doing nothing and everything and simply loving the company of a person you thought would never love you back. There are songs about the times he'd protect her and comfort her, and while she was feeling safe he was feeling strong and needed. There are songs about girlfriends he never should have had because his heart already belonged to someone are songs about a future he only ever dreamed of, songs about the future he has, and the thing that's missing.
Slowly her tears dry on her cheeks, and feeling starts to return to her fingers. She drives home feeling numb, the streets drifting by unseen. It feels like her whole world has been tilted, everything she thought she knew has been altered just enough to change it all.
It takes her three days, and a lot of internet research to come up with a plan.
He's doing a radio show with a local channel to promote the album, and she knows it will be her only chance to talk to him. The rest of his appearances are at television studios and clubs in LA she'd never get into. And if her plan involves a little bit of hacking into radio phone channels... Well what's a girl to do?
She's a wreck of nerves and excitement when the time finally comes.
She's watched interviews of him in the past, ever the masochist, but the sound of his voice filling her apartment still makes her heart skip.
There's some chatter about this and that as introductions are made, but all she can hear is him. She always loved his voice. Even before it broke, and became what it is now, it always had a soothing note to it, whether he was talking or singing.
It's the mention of her name that catches her attention.
"Now the album's called For Felicity, Forever Ago. There's been a lot of talk about this Felicity girl…" The host is speaking and she holds her breath as she listens for Oliver's answer.
"I'm sure there has." She finds herself smiling at his evasive response, he was always good at this sort of thing. Always knew the right to say, unlike her who verbally embarrassed herself on a daily basis.
"And the song you're going to play for us today is from the new record and it's called Dear Felicity. So I think at this point we're pretty safe in assuming that she's a real person. Can I ask you about her? What's the story there?"
Dear Felicity. It's a favorite of hers from the album. It's simple and sweet and heart-breakingly honest. She's lost count of the amount of times she's played it in the last few days.
"Everything you need to know is in the songs. The whole album is kind of a letter I guess. All the things I should have said a long time ago… I guess I got tired of not saying them."
A lump rises in her throat and any lingering doubts about what she's about to do, fade away. She needs to see him. She has to.
"Well there you go. Oliver Queen, singing Dear Felicity, from his new album For Felicity, Forever Ago, out on iTunes."
The opening chords of his guitar sound over the airwaves, and she closes her eyes, letting the music wash over her.
Dear Felicity,
Tell me what it was I used to be?
Oh, dear Felicity,
Tell me what it was I used to be?
And if you're further up the road can you show me what I still can't see
Remember me?
I'm the boy you used to love when you were 15
Remember me?
I'm the boy you used to love when you were 15
Now I wonder what you think when you see me in a magazine
From time to time I'll go looking for your photograph online
From time to time I'll go looking for your photograph online
But some county judge in Ohio is all I ever find
Dear Felicity,
Tell me do you still believe in me?
Oh, dear Felicity,
Tell me do you still believe in me?
Well, I got my dream, but you got a family
Yeah, I got that dream, but you got yourself a family
Yeah, I got that dream, but I guess it got away from me
His voice wavers slightly on the last line and she wonders if there are tears in his eyes, as there are in hers.
There's a cacophony of cheers as the song draws to a close, and that's when she spring into action. Getting a call in to a closed radio airway is a lot easier than some of the other things she's done with a computer, and it only takes her a few seconds before the tone is ringing in her ears.
Her heart is beating so fast it's making her breathless and her hands are clammy. She feels like a teenager again. Nervous and unsure, but full of life and vibrancy in a way she hasn't been in years.
The call connects and there's an exclamation of surprise from the host, and she prays he doesn't cut her off before she says her piece.
"Hi." Her voice cracks and she clears her throat and takes a deep breath before trying again. "When I was fifteen, I told a gorgeous boy with floppy blonde hair, that he could do anything he put his mind to. He proved me right." There's a shaky exhale over the radio and she knows Oliver knows who's speaking.
"Um… We had this tree house we'd hang out in after school and we always said that if we ever lost each other, we'd go there and wait. I guess… I was just wondering if that's still the case. If even though that boy and girl lost each other a long time ago, if she said that she'd be at that tree house tonight… Do you think he'd show?"
There's a long moment of beating hearts and bated breath, but then he answers.
"Yeah I do."
The last time she was in that tree house, she was wearing a red dress and she told him she was leaving for MIT. She'd hidden her tears in his shoulder, and his eyes were wet when he kissed her forehead. He told her that she'd always be his girl and her hands were shaking so much she almost fell on the climb down.
Now she's wearing blue and her hair's changed from brown to blonde. A lot's changed really. She's graduated college, she's fallen in and out of love, she's learned and grown in ways she never knew she needed to do, she's lost and gained and has scars to show for it. But she's the same girl, just eight years later.
The wood is a little more weathered than she remembers, lichen and moss have crept their way across the beams, but it still feels the same. They spent many a day in that tree house. When they were little and they pretended it was a fortress or a castle or a pirate ship. When they were older and they did their homework sprawled across the floor, rugs and cushions piled beneath them. And when they were older still, and they shared secrets and dreams and hopes for the future, alongside pilfered bottles of wine.
It's their place. It's always been their place. And being back there, after so long, after years of trying to move on from them, years trying to find something that was even half as good as what they had, is intense.
There's a sound from below, and then the familiar creak of the old ladder, heavy footfalls coming closer and closer, and she finds herself holding her breath, eyes fixed on the doorway, waiting for him to appear.
And then he does, and everything stops.
She forgot about this part. She forgot about the roller-coaster in her stomach and the thundering in her chest.
His hands, large and strong, pull himself the rest of the way up, into the small space, and then finally, finally, his eyes meet hers.
God, he's beautiful.
"Felicity." His voice is low and raspy, and the sound of it sends shivers down to her toes.
He's looking at her like he hasn't seen light in years, his eyes traveling over every curve of her face, as though he can't quite believe she's there. She knows the feeling.
The moment is surreal.
There's a lump in her throat and it seems ridiculous how many things could change when nothing's really changed at all.
She still loves him just the same. Still forgets to breathe when their eyes meet.
"Hi." It's barely a whisper.
He takes a step closer and the air thickens. There are so many things to say, so many things to talk about. But in that moment, none of it matters. Her feet are moving before she realizes it, and he meets her in the middle, his hands finding their way into her hair as she rises onto her toes. He tilts her head up and pauses, his lips a breath away from hers.
There's so much between them. Years of history, years of love, and it feels like it's all been building to this second. She's trembling, her heart beating so loud she's sure he can hear it. His thumb strokes across her cheekbone, the warmth of his body seeping into hers from mere inches away. And then finally, she inches up further on her toes and closes the distance.
He tastes like coming home.
His lips are hot and insistent against hers, melting her into nothing but love and need, a lifetime of yearning coming to a head and pouring out into one perfect moment.
His tongue traces her bottom lip and she opens readily, gasping into his mouth as the kiss deepens. One of his hands runs down her back, finding the curve of her waist and pulling her flush against him. Her fingers dig into his shoulders, pulling herself closer still, always closer, she'll never be close enough.
When air becomes a necessity, she reluctantly pulls away, eyes fluttering open and settling on his. He smiles then, and it makes her laugh because his smile is just the same. It's the one he always reserved just for her, and it hasn't changed a bit. The words are tumbling out of her mouth before she can second-guess them, but she doesn't care. They're words she should have said years before, words that she's sure she'll say many more times in the future.
"I love you, Oliver." She's grinning, he's looking at her like she's the most beautiful creature on the planet.
He laughs, a huff of disbelief before his declaration joins hers.
"I love you, Felicity."
Still smiling, he leans down and kisses the tip of her nose. "I love you." His lips move to her cheek. "I love you." And then her forehead. "I love you." And then he's peppering kisses to every inch of her face, punctuating each one with those three words, and her heart feels like it's about to explode.
She's spent the last eight years keeping half of her heart hidden from the world. Because it always belonged to him, and it never felt right to give it all away to someone else. And in that moment, she lets all those barriers down, all the walls she built to protect herself, and gives her whole self over to him.
Her heart has been his since she was six years old and he gave her a piggyback ride home when she fell off her bike in the street.
She's loved him for so long that it's as natural as breathing, and finally she can set it all free.
It's the easiest thing she's ever done.