Harry Potter
And The Half Ass Prince
Chapter 1:
Business in the Garden
By RJ
It was a clear summer day on Number 4 Privet Drive in the London suburbs as it was any cool summer day. In the backyard of Number 4 there was a dark haired teenage boy squatting down in a freshly dug hole in the garden answering to the call of nature. The boy was none other than Harry Potter. The reason Harry was taking a shit in his Aunt's garden was because his Aunt and Uncle refused to let him use their lavatory and he dared not to use the one across from his bedroom. The reason why Harry didn't use the lavatory there was because his oafish cousin Dudley had used it before he could. After Dudley was done with the toilet Harry saw an awful sight. The toilet was clogged and overflowing with water and shit. The floor was stricken with poop-covered toilet paper and the walls were covered in feces. To top it all of there was a pungent odor. Harry grunted as he dropped two turds into the makeshift toilet and proceeded to wipe his ass with Aunt Petunia's Roses. As Harry hitched his pants up he noticed that his elderly neighbor, Mr. Davenport was watching him crap. As Harry turned to face him he saw Mr. Davenport shake his head and mutter to himself "Right fucking disgusting that there was lad" and turned away towards his house.
Harry walked back into the house to the kitchen and noticed something on the calendar. It was July the 31st, his birthday. Today Harry Potter The Boy Who Lived, turned 16. He then headed upstairs towards his room minding not breath in the filthy air from the bathroom. As he opened his door he was met with a surprise. On his bed was the Weasley's old-ass owl Errol and he had a package for him. Also there was another owl with more packages for his birthday. Harry opened the first package which contained a birthday cake from Hagrid. Harry recoiled in disgust because it seemed that Hagrid had not only licked the icing but also had drooled all over it and broke off a few fingernails inside the cake. Harry tossed the sorry ass cake off the bed and proceeded to open the next package. It was a birthday gift from Hermione which Harry opened without so much as looking at the accompanying note attached. As soon as Harry opened the gift he let out a groan. Hermione had sent him a book entitled Exploits of 16thCentury Wizards with the words engraved in silver. "Know-it-all bitch never sends me anything good" Harry cursed angrily under his breath and he threw the book at Errol. The next package contained a shitty maroon sweater from Mrs. Weasley along with some piss-poor homemade cookies along with a note. He then noticed there was a bare package with a single note on it. Harry looked at the note and it bore a simple message.
Happy Birthday mate. Though you could use with right bit of mayhem at the dreadful place and we have the solutions for you.
Best of Wishes,
Fred and George Weasley,
Weasley Wizard Wheezes.
Harry excitedly opened the package and then his jaw dropped in joy. Inside contained some of Fred and Georges joke products like shitting pills, burning condoms, skiving snack boxes, nosebleed nugget, orgasm tea cups, and all sorts of nasty little tricks that they thought Harry could have use for.
Just as Harry was about to open another package Errol the owl had let out a cry and dropped dead. Harry cursed under his breath and chucked the old owl into the waste basket. He then removed his owl Hedwig from her cage. Hedwig had apparently gone mad from being in the cage for over a month straight eating nothing but crappy-ass bird seed Uncle Vernon had bought for it grudgingly but it was still capable of doing business. "Oy, Hedwig, I gotta note I want you to deliver now" Harry told Hedwig as he wrote a note.
Dear Mrs.Weasly,
Thank you for the sweater and cookies I enjoyed them much ("Fat fucking chance" Harry cursed under his breath as he wrote.) I am having a shitty summer here at my goddamn Aunt and Uncles and the gifts you sent have brought me comfort here at this hellhole.
P.S
Your old owl Errol has gone off and fucking died on me. I disposed of him properly and advise you to get an owl that isn't as old as fucking Moses.
Best of Wishes,
Harry.
Harry perused his letter that would do Ozzy Osbourne proud and set it upon Hedwig and she flew out the window.
As Harry went downstairs he heard a car pull into the driveway. His awful guardians were home from the auction event. Uncle Vernon was a great burly bastard and his bitch wife Petunia was just as worse. It was very clear in their eyes how much they hated Harry.
"Petunia, I'm going to take a piss Uncle Vernon said briskly as he walked upstairs.
"Right you do that while I tend to our prize winning garden" said Aunt Petunia in the same manner as her husband as she walked to the garden. Just as Harry was about to get a drink of water he heard a terrible cry.
"NOOOOOOO! VERNON! COME HERE QUICKLY ITS RIGHT AWFUL IT IS!
Aunt Petunia's cry filled the house and shook it to its foundation. Uncle Vernon ran downstairs so fast his penis was still exposed from taking a pisser. As soon as Uncle Vernon got to the scene Harry immediately knew what upset them. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were staring wide jawed at the garden that Harry tore up in his attempt to make a toilet. Dirt and shit were flung all about the garden, the earth was torn up and flowers witch Harry had used to wipe his ass were strewn about.
"Oh, Vernon its right awful" Aunt Petunia sobbed as she looked upon her destroyed garden. "Il say it is Petunia" Uncle Vernon said throbbing with rage with his fist clenched. "What fucking vile creature could do such a thing?" he expressed angrily.
"Il bet anything it was Mr. Davenport goddamn dogs" he said with bitter resentment.
Chapter 2:
Uncle Vernon's Accusations
"Oh how could such a ghastly thing happen?" Aunt Petunia said in between her sobs. Uncle Vernon then marched right next door to Mr. Davenports and banged on the front door. "OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR THIS GODDAMN INSTANCE"! Uncle Vernon roared. "IL TEAR YOU AND YOUR DAMN DOGS APART FOR WHAT THEY DID TO OUR LOVELY GARDEN"! he continued to yell as the door slowly creaked open. Mr. Davenport stood there brandishing a cricket bat went out to confront his angry neighbor. "What tha bloody 'ell are you 'doin a banging on my door and making bull and cock accusations against me and me dogs?" he asked warily. "YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT YOUR BLOODY DOGS HAVE DONE TO OUR GARDEN!" Uncle Vernon continued to yell. "THOSE DAMN MUTTS TORE UP OUR LOVELY ROSES, DUG UP THE GARDEN AND TOO MAKE THINGS EVEN WORSE THEY BLOODY SHITTED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE!" Uncle Vernon was clearly about to explode with rage but then Mr. Davenport broke the mood by saying something. "What? My dogs didn't tare up your garden it was that queer nephew of yours that did". "What did you say again?" Uncle Vernon asked flabbergasted as his neighbor told the story. "Well" said Mr. Davenport "I was tending to my tree when I saw your nephew squatting down in your garden taking a right good shit" he explained. "He did, did he?" said Uncle Vernon as the rage began to take hold of him. Uncle Vernon then mumbled an apology under his breath and returned home. Harry was just about to return to his room when he heard the door enter and a familiar voice filled the air. "BOY GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANCE"! Uncle Vernon screamed at the top of his lungs and Harry went down to the garden to accept his fate.
He stood there facing a sullen Aunt Petunia and an Enraged Uncle Vernon. Harry cleared his throat when Uncle Vernon began to speak. "Why-did-you-do-this-to-the-garden"? Uncle Vernon said suppressing his rage. "I had to go real bad" said Harry softly but before he could say anything more his Uncle began to speak again. "You had to go"? "YOU HAD TO FUCKING GO! IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT"! Uncle Vernon's face was turning a deep purple as he continued to yell. "Listen" said Harry "I had to. Dudley clogged up the toilet and made a right nasty mess there he did" Harry said coolly. "Ha"! Said Aunt Petunia through tears "It was probably you who made that mess in there and you're just trying to frame my beautiful boy"! She said defiantly. "Beautiful"? Said Harry incredulously "LOOK AT HIM"! He yelled pointing his finger at Dudley. Indeed Dudley was anything but beautiful as he was sitting on the living room floor naked playing his Playstation 2. Dudley had indeed gotten bigger, rolls of fat hung off his flabby skin and his fingers resembled sausages. The nurses at Dudley's school thought he was hideously overweight and demanded that he exercise which Dudley and refused to do. Dudley was even more enraged when the school made him eat a nutritious meal instead of his heart-attack friendly fatty foods. Harry had to admit Dudley made Jabba the Hutt look like Lara Flynn Boyle as he lay there. Dudley's eyes were focused on the screen as he played London Underworld Ultaviolence 6: Best to Tolchok the Old Coppers, Mate. Aunt Petunia strode over to Dudley and said "Dudley dear you best stop playing, these games are said to have a bad influence". Dudley roared in response "SHUT UP YOU OLD BITCH OR IL BLEED YOU GOOD"! As he tore his eyes away from the screen in anger. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon just laughed and Uncle Vernon strode over and patted his son on the head. "Little tyke knows what's he wants like his father" he phrased jovially then he turned to face Harry. "As for you, you rotten little bastard, you'll be cleaning up your mess and you go straight to your room without dinner" Uncle Vernon said strongly. As Harry was about to go to the garden Uncle Vernon spoke again. "Oh, and clean up that mess in the bathroom also" he said with triumph as Harry could only stare back in horror. Harry knew he had an awful evening in front of him. After cleaning the garden he knew he had a daunting task in front of him as he went upstairs to the bathroom. The mess in the bathroom was right awful and to make it worse the Durshleys would not let him use a plunger. Harry swore as he dug his hand deep into the bowels of the toilet and pulled out a huge piece of shit. Dudley's crap was strewn with blood as he only ate fatty foods that were hard on the ass. He spent the night on all floors scrubbing the bathroom floor and cleaning the awful mess. Finally at around midnight he was about done when Dudley strode into the room.
"I hope you had cleaned up that mess right well because Mum and Dad are quite pissed at you" he said smirking. "Honestly I don't why they just chuck you out into the streets" he said. Harry tried to suppress his anger "Its you who should be cleaning up this mess" Harry said "You're a fucking pig and you look like it too you oaf"! Dudley did not take the insult well and he threw Harry to the floor and was about to take a piss on him when Harry pulled out his wand and pointed it and Dudley's penis. "W-w-what are y-y-you doing" said Dudley horrified. "You're n-n-not allowed to do that and ill tell mum and dad" he said through the fear in his voice. "Think again Dudley" said Harry. "I've done magic here before and have never been caught so I can blow your cock off and neuter you right now you pig". "IL bet" said Harry "That the only thing you fuck with that is cats and your mates Gordon, Malcolm, Piers and all those other fuckers in your suck ass gang". Dudley began to weep "P-l-l-ease don't Harry ill go" he flustered as he backed away. As Dudley backed away he slipped on a turd fell forward and hit his head on the toilet rim. Harry left his unconscious cousin there and retired to bed.
Chapter 3:
A Crappy Dinner
Harry was awaken the next morning by Hedwig's violent shrieks as she gnawed at the cage bars clamoring for food. "Shut up you fucking parakeet Il gets your food" he said as he awoke. Harry scooped up some of the bird seed and threw it in her cage as he exited the room. As Harry went down the hallway he noticed the Dudley was still lying in the bathroom and was snoring real loudly and had blood oozing from his forehead. He went downstairs to find Uncle Vernon and Petunia standing the front doorway apparently greeting some new neighbors who moved in across the street. The new neighbors were a family of Middle-Eastern people who waved at the Durshleys as they greeted them. "Hullo"! Yelled Uncle Vernon as he waved at them. "Right nice to have you in the neighborhood". As the new family went inside their house Uncle Vernon's face became sallow and his voice became harder. "Bet there a bunch of extremist Islamic terrorists who are plotting to overthrow the country" He exclaimed kind of loudly to his wife. "Wouldn't be surprised if one of those bloody nutters strapped a bomb to himself and blew up our house" he added angrily. "Vernon, Hush!" Aunt Petunia hissed "The neighbors"! "Oh sorry Petunia" Uncle Vernon apologized and they both went back inside to their living room. As soon as Uncle Vernon went inside he made an announcement.
"Family come here" he exclaimed as Harry and Dudley came rushing down. Dudley still had an enormous wound on his forehead as he turned to face his father. "Good Lord, Dudley what happened"? Said Uncle Vernon as he eyed Dudley's wound. Dudley turned to face Harry and Harry made a motion with his finger to his penis mouthing the words don't think for one second I won't blow that goddamn thing off, as he stared at Dudley. "It was nothing dad I just tripped on some soap that's all" Dudley finished. Uncle Vernon stared puzzlingly at Dudley but then continued to speak in the same uptight manner. "As you all know my Boss, Mr. Overstreet, and his wife are coming for tea and dinner tonight" he explained carefully. "This could be my one big chance to run the company when the old bastard retires" Uncle Vernon added triumphantly. "I want this to be a perfect evening, Petunia you fix the best damn dinner you ever made and my little boxing champion Dudley you will be your charming self (Harry snorted) and all of you wear your finest suits" he finished. Then with a stern face went to talk to Harry. "As for you, you little beast I want you to go straight to your room and your not to make a fucking sound, we all remember the last time we had someone for dinner" he added painfully.
As soon as Mr. Overstreet and his wife came over Harry was sent straight to his room with nothing but expired spam from Guatemala. Harry slammed the door behind him as he heard Mr. Overstreet's drawling voice. "Ah, what a splendid place you have Vernon and your wife and son are a most dignified sight to behold. "Oh you're too kind" said Uncle Vernon sheepishly as he escorted Mr. Overstreet into the kitchen. "Dinner will be ready soon as will the tea" he finished excitedly. Harry realized then how rotten his asshole Aunt and Uncle were and proceeded to pout. He missed Hogwarts and all his friends and yearned to return. Suddenly Harry noticed the jokes Fred and George sent him and a devilish grin broke out across his face. He quickly grabbed the joke products and put on his father's old invisibility cloak and crept downstairs. Harry noticed that Uncle Vernon was entertaining his boss and his wife with his piss poor jokes in the Family room. Harry slowly crept towards the teacups in the kitchen and switched them with Fred and George's Orgasm teacups. Next he placed shitting pills in the turkey and nosebleed nugget in the pudding and then he went behind a couch to behold the sight that was about to happen.
"Please Petunia fetch the tea I believe are distinguished guests are thirsty enough as it is" he said happily as the Aunt Petunia left. "What a lovely evening this is it my lovely wife"? Mr. Overstreet said to his wife. Mr. Overstreet's wife a bony old woman replied "Oh yes it is, its very lovely". "You know" said Mr. Overstreet "I think id like a man like you to take over the company when I retire" he said. "Really"? Uncle Vernon said and look liked he was about to piss himself with joy. "Thank you Mr. Overstreet. Thank you"! He said with joy. "Teas here" said Aunt Petunia said bringing in the tea tray. "It looks lovely Petunia mind handing me a cup"? Said Mr. Overstreet and he was handed a cup. Just as he was about to take a sip the teacup begun to work its magic.
"OHHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! FUCK ME HAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDD! OH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! CUM ALL OVER MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The teacup roared as Mr. Davenport and his wife stood there with an appalling look on both there faces. "Wh-wha-wha-what the bloody hell was that all about"? He said angrily as Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon stood there flabbergast. "I-I I don't know" said Uncle Vernon forcefully. "It might have been the neighbors; oh lets have dinner shall we"? He added quickly as he and his wife escorted there shocked guest into the dinning room. Harry chuckled because he knew the best was about to come.
It was very silent as Aunt Petunia passed the food to her guests and they proceeded to eat. Suddenly in the middle of dinner Mrs. Overstreet let out a cry. "The food, there is something wrong with it I have to use the bathroom very very bad" she said struggling to get up clutching her stomach trying to get to the bathroom. "Here, let me help" said Uncle Vernon but it was too late. Mrs. Davenport let out an enormous fart and then what it seemed to be a river of diarrhea oozed down leg. "DUDLEY GET PAPER TOWLS NOW"! Screamed Uncle Vernon standing the horrified. Dudley rushed forward with the paper towels but slipped on the diarrhea and landed face first in there. As soon as Dudley realized what he was covered in he lept up and vomited on Mr. Overstreet. Mr. Overstreet stood there shocked for a minute then suddenly barfed all over the table. But at the same time Mr. Overstreet's anus burst forth a sea of crap that soiled his expensive pants. When the vomiting and shitting finally ceased Mr. Overstreet took hold of his wife and stormed out shouting at Uncle Vernon.
"YOU GREAT BLUBBERING BASTARD"! He roared "LOOK WHAT YOU'VE FUCKING DONE TO US! YOU HAVE THE WORST FAMILY IVE EVER SEEN AND FROM THIS MOMENT ON CONSIDER YOURSELF FIRED FROM MY GODDAMN COMPANY" he screamed and left the house slamming the door behind. Uncle Vernon and his family stood there shocked soiled in shit until Uncle Vernon ran into the back room and pulled out a bat. Uncle Vernon then ran upstairs and banged on Harry's door.
"OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR AND IL FUCKING KILL YOU FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY LIFE" he screamed as he never screamed before. "WE HAVE PUT UP WITH YOUR SHIT FOR TOO LONG AND I HAVE TOLERATED YOU ENOGH! COME OUT NOW OR IL BUST DOWN THE DAMN DOOR" he finished drool slobbering down this mouth. Harry then burst the door holding his entire luggage and pointing is wand at Uncle Vernon. "I'm leaving" he said. "Get the fuck out of my way NOW"! Uncle Vernon stepped aside and he left the house. It was around midnight that he found himself in an alleyway in the nearby town that he decided to rest. Even though the alley was dark and smelled of piss and to top it off there was a dead hobo in the trash. Harry settled himself and his luggage and mad owl into the large trash can. Then Harry fell asleep.
Harry fell into a dream where he was flying his Firebolt through Hogwarts School while all the students were naked and running after him. Harry then hit a wall and fell into a dark abyss and heard a voice. "Bring me more Whiskey, Wormtail" said a low drawling voice that Harry heard before. Harry then looked into a nearby Mirror and saw the man. His skin was as white as Stuart from MadTV's skin was. He then saw his pencil like fingers and his Michael Jackson like nose. Finally he gazed at his Quentin Tarantino sized forehead and his cat-like eyes. Lord Voldemort let out a massive fart.
Harry yelled as he woke and a bum close by to him said angrily. "Shad da fucka up lad, Ims tryin' ta sleep"!
Chapter 4:
Diagon Re-Visited
Later that night Harry left the alleyway and proceeded to walk across the street. Suddenly, a car came screeching out of nowhere and plowed straight into Harry. Harry yelled as he was sent flying across the street with his luggage along with him. He landed with a thump and his belongings fell on him. Harry tried to get up but it was no use because his leg bones had shattered on impact. Then the car that hit him came to a halt and when the door opened out came Hermione.
"HARRY"! She shouted as she ran to his side "Are you okay"? "No" Harry replied "I'm pretty fucking far from OK" he said with great pain. Hermione picked up Harry and set him in the passenger seat and placed his luggage in the trunk. "I'm sorry about that Harry" she said as she drove the car "But I just got my driving license and my parents gave me a car". "People like you can get a license"? Said Harry in shock "Oh no wonder why the country's going to the dogs" he expressed. "Oh shut up Harry" she replied "How was your summer? Did you like the book I sent you?" she asked. Harry knew perfectly well that the book was sitting in his waste basket at the Durshleys along with Errol's carcass but replied "Oh yeah I did, thanks". "I'm glad you did" she replied and they drove on. The car raced through the streets real horror show until they came upon a dingy tavern. When they reached the tavern and were greeted by a familiar company.
The Weasleys, Mad Eye Moody, Tonks, and Kingsley greeted Harry as he entered. "Harry, are you alright"? Mrs.Weasley said as Harry dragged himself in on all fours. "Yeah my legs are just broken" he said coolly. "Oh let my fix that Harry" said Tonks and she pulled out her wand and said "Bonorous Repairous" and Harry's legs were fixed. "Thanks" said Harry as he pulled himself up. Then Harry remembered why he was there and said. "Things are bad the Durshleys kicked me out and I have nowhere to go" he said hastily but before he could say more Mad-Eye interrupted. "Aye don't worry about it Harry" he said as his eye swirled around "Me and some Aurors went to the house and modified their memories so they don't remember any of that shit" he said "Also we modified the memory of a certain Mr. Overstreet and his wife so your Uncle is still employed. I daresay we were lucky 'cause when we got there your Uncle was in the middle of hanging himself" he added with a wicked grin. "Well at any rate were glad you're here mate" said Harry's loser friend Ron who had spoken for the first time that evening. "Harry" said Mrs.Weasley "Did you like the sweater I made for you"? Harry knew perfectly well that he threw the ugly sweater away after he had used it to clean up Dudley's crap in the bathroom but said "Yeah it was superb. Thank you Mrs.Weasley. "Since were on the topic of muggles Harry, might I show you something"? Said Mr.Weasley.
"Oh no Arthur don't show the boy THAT"! His wife expressed loudly and Harry spoke. "Ok" said Harry and to his horror Mr.Weasley lifted up his robes to reveal that he was wearing a thong. "I think muggles call it a thong" Mr.Weasley said excitedly "It provides so much comfort and it's so stylish. What do you think of it Harry"? Said Mr.Wealey. "Well" said Harry "A thong is only worn by women" said Harry sheepishly. The whole company roared with laughter and Mr.Weasly turned red and ripped off the thong and threw it at Ron. "Dad you fucking transvestite"! Roared Fred and George simultaneously as they clutched in their stomachs holding the laughter. "Shut up all of you and lets head on to Diagon Alley" said Mrs.Weasly and the laughter halted. Harry and his company went back into the pub where they all crowded into a dingy little bathroom. Kingsley then stuck his head into a clogged and dilapidated toilet and said in a clear voice "Diagon Alley". Suddenly the wall opened up and there stood in front of them Diagon Alley.